what is it
this nagging thing within me
more than just a voice in my head
less than the shakes
that makes you seem like the only thing I want
the only thing I need
is a sip, or hit
or two
or 10
somewhere around then I lose track
and can finally go to sleep

sleep, the one thing better than you lately

Oh, I can see you from the corner of my eye
Feel your familiar fingers brush past my shoulder

My dear old friend

Could you perhaps, not come by

Every time the days get shorter and darker

So many good things are to come despite your cast

And I can already feel you blotting them out with your ink

Even diluted, it ruins the picture

Please, kindly dear, keep your black holes away from my stars

cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea

I could have wasted the majority of my life
Wasting mine
Risking mine
To make sure you were fine
Until I popped out our kid
(I am so sorry to be so ******, they would have been made from love, but maybe just a little too much desperation on our parts to not be alone)

I love you
But I think being apart may be for the best for all of us

Here and hypothetical

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

I never want them
To know I struggled

They loved me so much

But I want others to know I have struggled despite this love

knowing my limits
helps me beyond most would understand
i can finally
rest my tired muscles
feed my hungry stomach
rest my restless mind
and let the superstars take the weight of the world of looking and being perfect
on their shoulders
instead of mine

i just don't want anyone to hurt
like i've hurt
and i've never even really been hurt
that badly so
sometimes the world feels
unbearable
if that makes any sense
at all

I think
There is maybe a mutual understanding
Both for the best interest of ourselves and each other
That we put ourselves first
That we know we'd be okay
Though maybe not quite so happy
If the other left

A part of me thinks this love
May mean more than
The one who'd risk his life because
Without me this man could still live
He just would rather his life with mine in it

I think I was only made to be a mother
But this century is telling me to be more
And I'm scared I can't

I really think sometimes
I was born to be an artist

This brain
This heart
These sleepless nights

But these hands
Tremble through every art piece
And spasm across strings
throat or instrument
And the words I write
I know, aren't as good as they feel getting out

But
I must remember
That's what art is
Art is your soul escaping you

Even if the end product, you can't stand to look at or listen to

Art is soul escaping from body

And if you

Or I in this matter

Can't appreciate that

Well, you thought you knew what art was

But you don't

maybe I hate when I can't get you so much
because in your grip is the only time
I feel my fists unclutch

alcohol
it's the devil
i swear upon my own future grave

it whispers in your ear like sin
(perhaps that's because that is it's other name)

it tells you
"i'll make you forget about what ails you, off to sleep I'll sail you"
but restless waking and sleep i'll give you, it forgets to mention

but maybe it didn't lie,
you just refused to remember it

or perhaps you did, but it was worth the temporary renderment

after night upon night of retching it's poision, the thoughts flooding back from your stomach
you remember, you always come back to your footing
and each step is little more painful than it was the night before, and you can't seem to get used to it

but please, you must remember, you must avoid the temptation,

you can overcome anything
you have overcome everything
you thought you never could
thus far

you have come this far

refuse, refuse to let alcohol, or anything else, become your end

(be it physically or emotionally)

you are worth the mending
and like a muscle
each time you exercise the discomfort
(in these terms of loving yourself, in refusing numbing these feelings, which you must remember, are a part of yourself)

it will hurt less

it will become easier

it will be worth it.

I want to peel back
The layers of myself I've let callous over
For you
For you only
But even though they're not supposed to hurt anymore
They scream upon the feeling of my fingers tearing
Or maybe it's the new skin
Afraid to be exposed

Either way
I love you
And I am so sorry
For being so sensitive
For being so tough

I will lick my own wounds, but thank you
nobody else has seemed to get a handle of it

I lick until there's no blood left
Then some
Then some more
Until I'm bleeding again

I don't know why but,
Sometimes when I get a cut
I crave the taste of blood

He asked her
"Do you think maybe you depend on me too much?"
And she replied, quicker than she could have even had a thought
"No!"
But she did so
Knowing he may very well leave or pull away had she said yes
And that,
Would be too much for her to bear

why do we stay
for people who would not do the same
if we did what they were doing to us
to them?

She was a poet and he didn't even know it
She didn't share, she was scared he wouldn't care
and she'd be left broken

He had a heart but he was too afraid to show it
He didn't share, he was scared one day she wouldn't be there
and he'd be left broken

They thought they were protecting themselves in their shells but really, they were only tearing themselves and each other apart.

The human heart, at least sometimes, has a funny way trying to help but ultimately sabotaging itself.

You hate me,
don't you?
and I'm not pretty enough
to fight for,
I know
I'm sorry I could never be what you deserve

and maybe the saddest part
is that I could have been
if only I pushed myself harder

but then my face would be pressed so far into the ground
my bones would have broken
flesh would have peeled from my face

where
is the in-between
I've never lived it
But I know that,
That is where I would thrive

I dream of it,

It waltzes on my lips, between the folds of my never tired brain

And that place, I fear more than anything, is the one state
I'll never have the gas to get to

some nights I want to die
some nights I'm thankful I didn't
either way,
I'm tired.

you think you know
how loud this voice goes
how low
you haven't the slightest clue
the damage I could do
when you hurt what this heart gaurds

when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift

but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore

Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river

I miss you
I might always
But maybe we're best for each other when there's a little distance between us

Too close and I can't tell where your tears begin and mine end

I fear together we'd drown

Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.

I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving

I'm sick of waking up hungover, sober, sad, anxious, self diagnosed hypomanic (the therapist and psychiatrist say it's a no)
Downright, not right
But there's nothing to do
But to pry the sheets from my being
Pray for the best
And wade myself though it

I guess
To be honest
I'm a little bit broken
And I don't feel like home
But maybe, if I make it warm enough
And I build up my four walls strong enough
I may be

you and I
oh, we were like Adam and Eve
Romeo and Juliet

just a few too many lines short of reality

Honey, it's too much
I love you, but it's too much
I can clean up the broken chair, cup your ****** hand in mine
But I cannot stop you from doing these things, or feeling the feelings that cause you to do this
You feel broken, you break something
And it breaks me
Every time I see or think of you, I worry
My mind is too full of worries to even think about anything but them already
Please, understand if I need to step away
If it seems cold, please know if anything, I love you too much
I'm sorry

This callous on my heart
Is a blessing and a curse
If not for it, my heart would be too vulnerable
With a callous, or at least behind it, I am able to hold back my tears for a moment in public,
For this I am seen as cold

When I cry too much, I hear that I'm a crybaby, I have been told my heart is too large
What do you want with me?

Tell me please, universe, because it seems as though you are toying with me

You are a possible poison
Please, wouldn't you rather me live?
Than risk watching (perhaps for a while, perhaps forever) my spirit die if yours left mine?

Think wisely,
Because I think I'd rather live a life half-lived
Than have lived fully with you only to lose you

(I think)

she plucked out her own feathers
threw herself against the wire that enclosed her
not because she could not set herself free
but because she had the key
and was too afraid to use it

I want to feel beautiful but
I don't want it to take
Skin and bones (but still **** and ***) to achieve it

I am heartbroken for the majority of me that used to believe my only worth in this world
Was to be a pretty thing

That my thoughts really didn't matter
My feelings, my tears, should be hidden
Beneath shame and bruises
Whatever it took, as long as it was kept inside
Rather than surface
And possibly be perceived as ugly

I am me
This is my skin
This is the stuff beneath it
****** and (maybe) ugly

But maybe,
Beneath it,
One of the most beautiful things that can be found in this world
Something to be seen beyond eyes
Something to be revered despite public disgust

And maybe, just maybe
It didn't matter whether it was pretty or not after all

when it's been a while since the last time
when the rain broke free from the clouds
and I finally breathe in that rain kissed Earth
my bones sometimes become weak and weep

I too, know the feeling
of having no other choice but to let the water in me seep from what sees and touches this Earth
more often than not, breaking things that have been growing for years
without a thought or a care,

Blind to what stands in front of me.

I may be a horrible person

but maybe the best thing to do is to accept that I am not all bad, or all good

I am just another force of nature

the only difference is

I can control my direction and destruction

if I so choose

You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest

It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.

"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again

no matter where you go or who you meet
you one day, at some point find yourself back at home, alone with yourself
and I am trying my damdest to make myself a place I am not afraid of staying alone
I would love actually, one day to find my greatest joy and solitude there (here)

there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal

His words were flowers disguised as bullets
And she spoke in flowers that hid the knives beneath her tongue
And they lived like this until she could no longer hold the taste of blood in her mouth

These lips
Walk me in and out of offices
But I can't put into words these feelings
That press up against my belly and chest
Lurch up my throat
They mock me
These bits which refuse to be translated
Spit at my face and kick me into a corner
Until I have no fight left in me
My face encrusted in dry salt
I curl up and close my eyes until they retreat

Where they go I do not know
But when they do, I wipe my face and rise to my feet


I am a warrior

And I will not accept defeat

For years, at times I'd find myself
In the early hours of the morning before light
Thinking
This world
Is so irreparably broken
I can feel it at the pit of my being
I can feel it making itself comfortable in my heart
And I must fix this world or else this pit may take over my being

But I am trying very hard to tell myself now,
I might even believe
that it is people,
Not the entire world
That may be broken
And I can't change the world
But I can offer one hand and heart at a time
And then maybe that person I helped might want to too
And then maybe, years from now, we will live in a world of people who are whole and do not hurt

Let myself go?
I have been fighting to live
Not just survive
So if a couple of pounds is my punishment
I will take it
With a side of fries

I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

if I let myself feel the pain
from it's edges to its pulpy-est parts
I fear I'd never be able
To put the pieces back together the way they were at the start
And I cannot decide whether this would be a blessing or a curse

Whether I would be a phoenix
Or just ashes

avoidance
isolation

my protector
my savior

and the knife that cuts too deeply the softest parts of me

and the actress forgets she is playing a character
that she was an actress even

it is only when the lights in the theatre come on
that she reorients herself

fingers tracing the braille of the mask she forgot she wore
the world begins to warp and spin and she finds herself

home amongst the fears
of a reality worse than nightmares

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be