I always catch myself thinking
If only, I were more beautiful
I would be loved more, let go less easily
But, for some reason it took me until today to realize that
I would be just as unhappy
Just as scared that they would leave
Because what if, one day, I were no longer beautiful?

And there we sat
Strained against the woodgrain
Eyes, limbs
And I can't remember the words that left your lips
But everything in me wanted to stay forever and never have met you all at once
And I slammed our story shut quicker than I could slam the door to that tiny apartment

I'm sorry we couldn't be what we thought we could be

I'm sorry I refuse to open that door ever again

I don't want to be like this

Hopeless for no good reason
Anxious for nothing
Sitting on my *** worrying myself to bits when I know for a fact getting up and doing something would help

I'm sorry

Cigarettes on a wooden porch and it's pouring
And I've got a paperback and half a pack still left
The pages of the paperback are thin and stiff
And give off that smell
Like the rain releasing the scent of the dirt and grass from the earth
Just older

Honey,

I'm home.

I'm too sensitive for others

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off alone for the rest of my years

It feels like
If we didn't drink or smoke
You'd maybe hate me
And I'd maybe just cope

You told me this isn't true, though
And trust me,
I'm trying my hardest to believe you

Don't know why
But sometimes
I just want to die
And then I wake up the next morning
Thankful the pills and drink didn't take

I honestly don't want my people's world to quake
With the mistake of my bad decision
I'll stay here and try to make revisions
But I'm just not so sure they'll do the trick
I'm sorry if I leave you before my time has ticked

But I really do hate the bitter taste that will be left in their mouths
So I refuse to take it