feel like I'm about to get ****** over reall nice
and the worst part is it's my own doing.

When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again

we sit across each other in a restaurant, amber-lit and quiet like a tawny dusk
glasses sweating, limbs loosening
i smile like the moon and like an unfortunate dawn her name unfolds across your lips
you say, in not so many words, "you are deep too, but her, she was different"
the words of my therapist ring in my ears, "you've curated a seamless mask for yourself; i can't express how grateful I am to be the one person you've let in behind it"
should i let you in? i thought i already had
but surely then you'd know I am a black hole, how could this girl have been any more, any less?
perhaps it is because she could put words to her thoughts and feelings but i just find myself swimming in silence
i am left in sudden darkness
when i realize that she may be your sun
and even if not
i am a moon
and it appears you need light just as much as i do
maybe we just were not made for one another

Sometimes I get so angry at the world for tearing us apart
And so sad

I guess it's time
To smoke another bowl
Find another new antidepressant
Discover and create new pieces of myself
So I may forget the pieces this universe has stolen from me
This cruel world that sometimes I think knows what is best for me
And others I feel is this uncaring, unfeeling thing

And I guess this time, I should not let my chin slide over my shoulder on my way out of your life
But despite my wishes, I hear my neck snap in selfish opposition

One day, again, it will grow stiff
And maybe then the universe will turn to me again with it's arms open

stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most

Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?

It's closing up my airway
It's lurching up my throat
It hides in open doorways
It smirks when doors are closed

It shows itself in salty streams
It hides itself in smiles
He may be on vacation but he'll be back in a while