I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)

When I close my eyes
They all fumble to escape from their lidded prison
They begin as butterflies bumping into each other but turn into a swarm of bees, pushing their buzzing bodies to the surface
Until I am forced to open my eyes to relieve the pressure
And feed them the honey they've been fumbling for

Honey, I know the signs
It's not the weight leaving that makes me want to cry when I look at you
It's the luster gone from your hair
Your smile
Your eyes
Despite an ever-widening smile
I know that smile well
Honey, when I see you, all my mind can come up with is "you are the most beautiful soul I know, please take care of yourself"
Please, fuel it
Please, don't believe yourself
You are a goddess and you deserve every bite of Mac n cheese you've refused yourself

I remember in third grade
My perception snapped as if suddenly waking from dream (this dream being childhood)
I realized I was wider both ways than the girls in my class I found my gaze linger on
So I began to hold in my stomach at all times
Bedtime became uncomfortable due to being unused to relaxed muscles
Feeling failure flood me every centimeter that grew between my spine and my belly button

When I asked myself why exactly I'm still doing it, knowing beauty isn't the most important thing in the world and that I am tired and uncomfortable
I hear my brain answer
"Well, it'd be rude not to", and though I know it isn't true, I can't imagine filling this belly with air without the feeling of flooding.

I have some more to work on.

I know regret will get me nowhere, but maybe this is something different.

I can't believe I so wholeheartedly gave away pieces of myself to others in the hopes that someday, I'd become whole.

For a while, I imagined myself as a vessel
A vessel containing unconditional love, and that it was my job to fill everyone's cup
This kept me alive

But this vessel is cracking
And she's scared that nobody will love her when they see her smile cracking
When they see her cracking

A vessel can only hold so much, can only be dropped so many times, placed in the garage, forgotten and then remembered again, before she begins to question her worth.

From now on, I am the vessel, and I am the cup.

What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken

The people I love are breaking
Crumpling to soddy pulp in the rain, waiting to be washed down the drain
And/or waiting to catch fire in the sun
And I don't know if it's the full moon or the eclipse
But I'm scared

It's coming.