I lay beside you at night and hear you breathe
measure the slow way your inhale fuels your exhale
I lay awake and wonder
what it might be like to lay in a bed without you there
Your hushed and heavy breathing
has become a rhythmic and haunting reminder of our union
Once bliss to my ears
the knowledge of never having to be alone
this night music haunts me now
I run all day
run from the reality of my anxiety
run from the feelings about us I don’t want to feel
I run all day
but when I lay next to you
I cannot escape the tearing longing to be elsewhere
I have seen what my eyes were not meant to know
I have tasted a fruit that leaves all other food bitter in my mouth
I must eat and drink of our love
the sustenance to which I ascribed myself in matrimony
But now I lay beside you and hunger and thirst for another life
the rough bonds of our union chaffing against my flesh
cutting into my heart with tough circles
and tight knots
When the silence comes
I hear your breathing
and I fear these bonds will strangle me
shudder at the pressing doubt
that these coils will ever again feel like security
With the sun I dream of futures for myself
I busy myself with tasks and assignments
goals and lists
appointments and responsibilities
so much that on good days
I can almost forget that I am bound
Yet every night the rising moon signals me
I must return “home”
the place we now share and call ours
jabbing at me that I am not my own
I will never again be my own

I carved a hole for you inside of myself
Making a space where you fit perfectly
I didn't even realize I was carving it
Day by day
I etched your space inside of me
Not realizing the void I was making
only knowing it's where you belong
...belonged...
It's a cozy nook
nestled in places I'd forgotten I had
a corner you will never be able to fill
aren't allowed to fill
I carved a hole inside of myself
and now I'm standing, gasping
holding the shavings of my insides
remainders I so gladly discarded
I try putting them back
try plugging the leak to stem the tide of emotions
but it's no use
they won't fit anymore
Nothing will fit anymore
The throbbing ache reminds me of mistakes
terrible mistakes, amazing mistakes
Mistake isn't the right word
I can't call those choices anything but missteps I wanted to take
wanted so badly to take
I pass you, see you, sense you
You haven't gotten any less intoxicating
My head is flooded with once tantalizing daydreams
swimming in sweet regrets, fractured futures, empty longings
come on in
the water's fine
You haven't gotten any less magnetic
I don't know yet how to live with this chasm I made
I hadn't meant to make you so much space
I inhale
the wind whistling through the jagged edges
of a hole I can't fill
At least now I have more air

A white dress stained in red
Mute eyes waiting for death
Monsters lurking in the dark
Making their way to her head
She weeps in joy
All her life destroyed
Staring into an abyss
A smile that's too coy
And with tears she writes on stones
Every step is so alone
Cries of solitude
Her every broken bone
Her fate , did she deserve
A question to ponder till eternity
Her memories preserved
She can only whisper their banality
An act of hate
Bestowed upon from the clouds
Never to be seen
No one to scream on and shout
And tell her about
What she did to deserve her fate
She loved with all her heart
Than why did they hate
She's loosing sanity
Her wounds runs deep now
She's falling abruptly
Nothing to break her fall now
She's falling down
In herself , in Tomorrow
She cries for help
'save me from marrow '
On a tree , forgotten
Speaks the dead sparrow
A Cupid lies on the ground
His heart impaled by an arrow
And she searches for love
And now there is nothing
but hate in her heart
Anger in her eyes
Pain behind her smile
every moment reminds
Her wish to **** that god
Who brought the hell down on her
And made the icicles fall
That impaled her to the ruins
In from of the blue moon
A witness to it all
But mute with fear of the night
His only friend
Scared of the bright
A story he can't end
And she walks to sunrise
In a hope to seek revenge
Her every tear and scar
To be avenged
Doused in anger
Now she's all drenched
Becoming a stranger
Her thirst will be Quenched
She'll feed on 'em gods
Every one of 'em who ignored her plight
On her way to revenge
she'll dine with the devil Tonight