You are fire and honey
You will soothe
Each burn you make
But leave behind
Sweet and sticky
Scars.

I gave up writing poems
I didn't see the point
As words do nothing
To stop and start feelings
In my head.
I feel like the slowest
Rollercoaster in a dead city
And yet never see the lows
Coming and mourn them
On the way.
I'm sick of feeling
Lonely surrounded by people
And feeling like I'm missing
Out on living no matter what I do.
I could have loved you
I could have seen and done
And touched and cried.
But foresight was foggy
And hindsight was clear
And I don't even know what
Is dear to me anymore.
So maybe I like the reflection
Of words like a mirror
I can't look away from,
Maybe words are my ugly
11pm truth.
Maybe these words are for you.

I'm sorry for being too
Much of myself, again.
Sorry for being too
Much and not enough,
Sorry for never being the
Prettiest/smartest/
Most interesting
Person in the room
And always saying
Too much
Or nothing at all.
I'm sorry I have faded
In age
But am still bright enough
To make some eyes wince
I am sorry for never being
What you wanted
What I wanted
For never being what
Anyone wanted
After all.

Paint me some green grass
Richer than the sun in the evening
Sing me a song that reminds
You of a day in the springtime
Whisper sweet empty clouds
Of nothing around my ear
And leave your bird feather
Touch, like cold dew, on my skin.
Make yourself eternal
The stain that won't wash out
The rain that never dries
The cast of footsteps in wet cement
So that I dream of you
Each and every
Cold and inky night
From now until eternity.

I am the withering
Touch of winter,
The Anti-Midas,
The inevitable cruelty
Of the passing of time.
Around me, everything
Crumbles, decays
And decomposes
Leaving sorrow
To root deep
In my bones.

I feel I'm losing people
By the minute and
Losing chunks of me
As they go
Memories tainted
And slipping
Down plug holes.
I don't want to lose you
So I'll hang on tight
Even as you
Bite at my fingertips
And scratch and claw
Deep into my skin
Just to spite me.
I will cling onto the
Fibres of your clothes
And the hairs at the base
Of your neck
So that when
I eventually wake up alone
I will have you under
My nails
And know I did all I could
To keep you.

How can I be kind
To ny reflection
When I know
Her every fault
And flaw
And have seen every
Wicked thought
That passes through
Her mind?

All I want
Sometimes
Is someone
To tell me
That my flame
Burns a little
Brighter
Than everyone
Else's.

And just when I
Thought the room
Was empty,
They stripped the
Floorboards and
Celings
Until the lone
Light bulb
Swung naked
From rafters
And I truly had
Nothing left.

You maybe assumed
I was fine
Being the only
One gripping onto
Our life line
As you decline
My calls again.

The truth is,
What's left
If you're depressed
And I haven't seen you
Since May,
What's the point
In reaching out
If when I do
You've suddenly run
Out of things to say-
I say I miss you
And you say ok
And we don't talk
For three weeks.

And you might
Miss me too
But it's you
So I won't know
If you did until
You don't anymore
And it's suddenly
A chore to text you
About the weather.

And if it's me
Who breaks it off
I take full responsibility
For being disenchanted
And broken-hearted
By this game of screens
That we play.

I'm sick of this
Upwards climb
You're active online
Drop in from
Time to time
To send me something
Meaningless
And this all means
So much less
Than it did once.
Is this what life
Is for us now?

Dropping out because
Consistency is a
Thing of the past
It was a blast
Once upon a time
But it's over and
We're sober and 16
Again
Living at home.

Tell me you miss
The good old days
When the days shone
In our eyes
And our smiles
While the nights
Stretched out
For miles,
Littered with possibilities.

Tell me you miss
Feeling more than
Bleak comfort
From muddy walks,
Tell me you miss
Our haunts
And cheap drinks
And each other.

I miss it all but I'm
Losing my grip
On the past,
And soon it'll pass
If we want it to or not
So one last desperate
Plea,
If you're in there-
Tell me you miss me,
And the old days
Can become new days
One day.

Chasing memories
Through traffic lights
My feet kept running
And I ignored the signs
I could have loved you
But I didn't
And I've tried to forget you
But I couldn't.

Your face flashing by
Like pictures past
I tried to hold on
But what was cannot last
And things we never wanted to
Have come to pass
While we laid there in the grass
Barely eighteen
And holding the world
In our palms.

And now you've left town-
Like you said you would
But I'm still around
And I wish that I could
Have known
That being alone is the
Worst of all things.

I'm still here,
Lost in the haze of it
And I never want
What I have
(I know you know that
More than anyone)
The things I can't
Glow in the dark
Like false promises
And shining diamond rings.

You told me you'd stay
Forever once
(You truly believed I
Was the one)
And we laugh about that now
Because your dreams
Really did come true
In the city
Just like how
You told me you'd
Never seen someone
That pretty
Before in your life.

And deep down I knew
I would never have been
Happy with you
But I'm not happy
Without you
So where does that leave me
Now you're undeceived of me
And I'm the same
That I've always been
And feeling down because of it.

It's a messed up feeling
To want to be adored
But I hoard compliments
Like a magpie.
And my youth is all
I have
Until it dies
And I become a shell
Holding onto the
Nice things someone
Once said about me
And I believed.

Once again,
This is all about me
And the ways that
I feel unsteady
Without you.
But I can ask you
How you are
And we can both
Pretend I'm not
Falling apart
Before I'm twenty five
And still don't know
What it means
To feel alive.

The good in me has
Truly died mean
So I sit and dream
With my window ajar
And let the memories
Pick me apart
Playing like
A film we made
On our brick phones.

I still can't really say
I love you
But I can say that
I miss you.
My biggest fear
Is that you'll forget me
Maybe regret
That you ever met me
And that's the closest thing
To heartbreak
My soul will ever know.

At this moment in time
I am encased in
Cold bath water
Up to my neck.
I am floating
But heavy
Though I have left
My body
Deep below.
I watch skin
That doesn't feel
Like mine anymore
Burn angry pink, red
And decline into bruised
Purple and mottled blue.
I pretend I am a statue
Stay stone still-
Everytime I shiver
I must start again
According to rules
Of my own creation.
Once I am no longer
Skin and bones
But, instead,
Rock and thread
I will leave the cold
Wrap myself in rough warmth
And blink into white light
And enjoy the
Endless feeling
Of being numb.

I've started carrying
Relics of myself
With me
Wherever I go
Because men only
Treasure old
When it is
Turned to bones.

I am drowning
In my own
Inadequacy
And only I
Can pull me out.

I said I'm sorry
Love
I need some time
You said
That sounds
Just like goodbye
And I couldn't
Tell you
Otherwise
So goodbye
Was all it was.

Wrap the truth
Around me
Like a noose
And hope that
I never cut
Myself loose
To swing free,
Like the best
Of years gone by

Keys, drinks, the sound of heels clicking and clomping. Smiles, dreams and sun streaming in from windows. Drunk hugs in bathrooms, glitter sparkling on your face under lamppost light. Lighting a match, like warm magic emerging from fingertips. Cobbled streets, a fruity drink in rainbow colours, the coolness of the night air. Short chats that become long chats, that become deep chats. The smell of food and the warmth from the bowl it is in. Sea air, salty, blustery, the jangle of a dog collar as they run. Being halfway through a book that has your full attention. The smell of the pages. A text that makes you smile. Ice cream on a hot day, the greasy feel of suncream and the smell of outdoors on your skin, in your hair. Rainy days with a warm mug of tea, fairy lights with full batteries. A film night with friends, quoting word for word. Laughing, always laughing.

I miss grey days
When they're here
And hold onto
Nostalgia
Like ice burning
The palm of
Your hand.
I miss rain,
Standing like an
Angel
Arms outstretched in
Drenching downpours
Until I am washed
Of even my
Own name
And come home
Sodden and
Unspeaking.
I miss what I
Have always hated
And turn from what
I've sworn
To love.

Raindrops dripping
Down my spine
The promise I made
To stop wishing
You were mine.

Cold breath curling
In the frozen air
Thinking of your
Hands tying knots
In my hair.

The empty feeling
Of knowing the end
But choosing
For whatever reason
To pretend
And trying to learn
To be fine with that.

Walking away
As the curtains falls
Locking the screen
As you constantly call,
Then suddenly
Feeling like
I can breathe again
In rain and mist
And on hillsides.

Taking the rose
Away from the thorns
And choking
On light
Like sun after storm,
Watching raindrops
Wash it all away
Until I was saturated,
Dizzy,
And, somehow, ok.

I wish I could tug
Words from your lips
Like smoke.
I wish my eyes would
Glow like brimstone
In the dark.
I wish that yesterday
Was nothing but embers
And tomorrow
Was nothing but ash.
I wish like a well
And I'm sick
Of it.

I am only fool's gold
But will you love me
As if I were more?

You promised
Me happiness
So why am I
Feeling so sad?

Missing
Is a haunting
Vacancy
Which tugs tears
From stubborn
Eyes
And lost hearts.

It's hard to
Look forward
When memories
Glow with false
Promise,
Warmer and brighter
Than constellations
Designed by starstruck
Goddesses.

I was gripped
By time,
Encased as
A moment in a
Photograph.
Illuminated by
The flash of lightning
Shutter
Where the raindrops
Never quite meet
The ground
And my smile never dims
Or falls
Or falters.

Dreams melted
Like candle wax
And stuck to our pillows
As hard and awkward
Reminders
To lift up our heads.

I adore you
Like lights from cars
Adore dark windows
On rainy days.

The soil speaks your name
On earthy tongue
Rich and slow to move
Like thick roots in Spring.
The rain sings of you
Splashing melodic notes
Into murky puddles
That stare up at constellations.
The leaves whisper to you
Rustling in amber, brown and gold
As if you were a treasure
Left from the days of Kings
But it is the soil
In it's dark enclosure
That truly knows you
And calls you home
Oncemore.

And if the ground
Could still hum
With magic
After a rainstorm
I decided, so could I.

Repeats never made
For good melancholy
Not in any of the
Great works anyway.

I gave up
Looking for dreams,
Put any I had
On the market
So I could
Afford
The thread
That I needed
To sew up
My seams
From fallen out
Dreams
I once had.
I gave up
Looking for love
Put all that I had
In a box or
A basket
As that's better
Than tears
Red wine
Or a casket.
I think
Sometimes
Nothing is better
But anything's better
Than that.
I gave up clinging
To you
Because you
Were a lost cause,
A phantom,
A shadow,
A figment I knew
That I hoped
Was still you
But it wasn't
And it couldn't
Have been
No matter how hard
I dreamed
Or I loved
Or I hoped
No matter my
Brave face
Or my emotional
Disgrace
Dreams had no
Real power
To mend.
Because sometimes
(Most of the time)
Dreams end
And days begin
And heartbroken
Fools move on
Until one day
You wake up
And
Those dreams
Are gone
Like stolen flowers
On lonely graves.

The rain has
Washed away
Some part of me
So even in sun
I drip.

The mountains are tall
But with them beneath
My Feet
I am taller- maybe the tallest
Thing on Earth.
They have seen more
Than I ever could
And I want to see it all,
They show me
The paths to beyond
That beckon
With the call of adventure,
The call that dances
Around my thoughts
While I sleep
And tugs at my bones
When I wake.
It takes all I have
Not to follow them.
I have known snow,
Like shards of crystals
Falling from the sky
And crunching under foot,
I know it's taste, it's smell
It's tingling touch
As it melts on your palm
Like a frostbite kiss.
I want to know heat,
Rich and raw,
Rolling off stone
And sand
Which stretches out
For miles and miles
The sun beating
Like a spotlight.
I want to know cool,
The mist from a sea breeze
That knots itself into
My hair
Like a ribbon of salt
Under wisps of clouds
Curtains for the Sun
And the Moon.
I want to speak to the trees
As I have spoken to mountains
To hear their leaves
Rustle and sway
Like laughter
And secrets.
Up here, with the world
At my feet
I feel I will know it all
I swear an oath in the
Snow
Like a blood pact
And hope it freezes over.

To me, you're
Dizzy laughter
And hopeful eyes
That find each other.
You're falling stars,
Carrying heart burning
Hopes and dreams
Sparkling
Like embers.
You're candlelight
Glowing and warm
Keeping away
The darkness.
To me, you are safe,
You are hands
In my hands
And a mouth
That somehow
Calls my name
Without speaking.
You are home
And I hope you know
That I ache to be
Away from you.

Will this be the
Moment we
Long for
When age has
Caged the flame
Inside us?

You were a curiosity,
Nothing more.
A Gordian Knot I
Swore I would untie.
You told me nothing
(That was part of
Your great mystery)
But still I felt that
I knew you
Better than
I knew myself,
As if you'd become a
Part of me
The pomegranate seeds
You'd planted
Growing into flowers
Around my bones,
Crushing my heart
And lungs
Into breathless
Love for you.
Your stories were empty
So I, with my
Spinning wheel mind,
Filled in the gaps.
I made them tragic
So I could comfort you
So I could tell myself
You needed me.
You didn't though,
Not really
And yet you still
Lingered
On my doorstep
Like a bad penny.
You liked longing
For... something
You wore anticipation
On your skin
Like cologne,
Salty with sweat
Like the ocean
Like drowning.
If you were a curiosity
I'd fallen for your intrigue
I swore I'd find
The centre of your maze
Even if all that
Awaited me there
Was a minotaur.
I was obsessed
I thought I would be
The one to
Crack- solve- fix you.
I wondered
Hopelessly, if you
Ever lay staring
At the celing
Tracing my name
In the dark air
Like constellations
As your dark eyes
Flashed in my mind
Like a shutter.
Did you believe in fate?
The tug of the string
Binding our fingers
Until it hurt to be
Away from you.
Did you also feel
That we had been
Pushed together
Inevitably?
Really
I don't think you
Thought of me at all.
You'd told me
That you only looked
To the next moment
When I questioned
The lost look in your eyes
As if you were a boy again.
I think I loved you then
When you were far away
And untouchable
I vowed I'd reach you
Join you on your deserted island
Not seeing that you'd
Already left me
On one of my own.

I'm peering through
The window
Of a life that used
To be mine.
Of people
That became
Figures in pictures
Memories warped
Into rectangles
That you hang
On the wall.
The moments
We thought would
Last forever
Have escaped us
Floating like
Paper lanterns
Into the night sky
Carrying with them
The brightest
Hopes and dreams.
Though I watched
Them go
I am still
Suprised to have
To leave
This life that used
To be mine
Behind.
But even as it
Fades away
It's glow
Through foggy window
Remains.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You are angry
You are privileged.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You will act upon your anger
You are privileged.

If you are just enough
To be angry
If you are lucky enough
To be privileged
Use your anger, use your privilege.

When staring into
The face of oppression
Silence and compliance
Are one and the same.

Why does love
Smile so sweetly
When it lies,
And heartbreak
Cry
As it tells the truth?

You never said goodbye
To me
Instead one day
You just
Slipped away
And I wondered if
I could look for you
But knew deep down
That love
Doesn't work that way.

It seems that closure
Is never closing
Even when the
Signs are clear enough
To read
Apparently I can be blind
When I want to be
And some cuts
Though old
Just like to bleed.

Maybe it would help
Knowing you
Couldn't stand me
Because now
I look for you
In every face I see.
And the pill might
Have gone
Down easier
If you avoided
Every girl who
Somehow reminded
You of me.

Truthfully
It might help
If you never fell
In love
With anyone
But I know that's not
An ask
You can complete
Because a heart
With a face like yours
Captures that
Of everyone
You meet.

So instead
Please promise
That you'll think of me
Sometimes
Because I think of
You
More than I can say
And even
After all this time
A part of me
Perhaps stupidly
Will always
Feel this way.

I miss you when I know
I shouldn't
As what is there
To miss?
It's been so long
Since anything
And that's what's
Wrong with this
I miss, I miss,
I miss.

I stayed stoic
And unmoved
Until I felt something pop
Inside me
And fizz out
Like champagne
Dripping down the sides
Of a glass
At a birthday party.
And then
At the release
I
Let myself breathe
Spilling out
In a bubbling gasp
And for a moment
The air was alight
With a thousand
Tiny fairy lights
As if the world
Had been switched on
But
They soon flickered out
And I
Like everything else
Was still again.

I yearn for things
When they are over
But cannot want
Them at the time.
I think I only love
What is lost to me
As in losing it
It becomes mine.

You are nostalgia
Just one taste
Of sweet on my tongue.
You are warmth
Taken away
Just
Before it burns.
You are what
I dream about
Think about
Write about.
It is this fleeting
Magic of you
That I chase
And hope to find
But never will
As you have changed.
You are rose tinted
And deceptively greener
As that is
The magic of
Something
That can be thought
Of fondly
Because it is over.

Sunday night blues
And I'm thinking of you
And all we never had.
Because it's you
That I look for
And me you don't see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
And I'll do my hair
Wear a dress that you'd like
If someone else wore it
I think that you might
Have your breath
Start to mess
Caught in your throat
Like the luckiest
Catch of your life.
And one day you might
So I'll play pretend
That I'm like the rest
Have my string of bad luck
Until I get the best
And my heart won't feel
Like it's ripped
Out of my chest
Cause it's you that I knew
That I wanted.
But it's Sunday night blues
And I knew, oh I knew
It's not me
That you wanted.
I know it's not special
To watch from afar
To play the sad songs
And look out for your car
Wondering, hoping
That I'd be where you are
When the night is over.
Because Sunday night blues
Are waging a war
I know what I am
And I know I want more
I want to be
The girl in the dress
The perfectly imperfect mess
The one that you looked for
The one that you see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
Sunday nights always end
So, just for once
Let us pretend
That this story
Will finally mend
And nothing more
Will be said.

I leave behind
My room of ruins
And fight with
All I have
Not to look
Back
At it's broken parts

Last night
You passed through
My dreams
A fleeting thought
A spirit, almost
You but translucent.
When I woke,
I felt uneasy
And have felt
Strange ever since.
It seems apparent
To me
That despite the
Extenuating circumstances
My mind doesn't
Want to
Let go of you
Not yet
Not now
Not ever

It is easier to be the Ice Queen
Crown of glass, so serene
A kingdom in my frozen grasp
Never forgetting that ice is sharp
And ice is cold in a way that cut
Through my veins and in my guts.
The Ice Queen's heart traps a shiver
(Until it melts)
And all is lost down the river
The flowers underneath- they wither
And turn to brown
And die.
Passion seems to melt
The frost
My frozen resolve is
Ultimately lost
And I wish for
Everything to be
Snow topped
Again.
But coloured wildflowers
Force their way
Towards
The blinding sun
In the same cruel way
That you won
Me over and melted me.
I am
A servant to
Your golden rays
As always
The Queen of nothing
But slush and things
That were once alive
But cannot thrive
When they are
Under my watchful eye.
Does anyone love the Ice Queen?
Are they willing to endure her scorn?
Does anyone want the Ice Queen?
Feel how she is cold where she should be warm.
Maybe I will be warm again
When the year has ended
When my skin isn't blue
But summer is no longer welcome
In my ice kingdom
And maybe, this time
Neither are you.

My teacup rattles
When I hold it
My hands shake
Like old bones.
Am I The Princess
When I carry it?
Or am I the carry
It loathes?
My brain is too
Big for this shoebox
But it's always too
Small for a room
This is a thought to
Mull over
I think and I think
And I chew.

We said goodbye
And I looked back
To get one last
Look at you.
You had already
Walked away
Not looking back
At me
And I think that
Says it all
Really.