Your car was perfectly warm
with a chill that wouldn't fail.
My hands strong enough to know
not to hold yours frail.
And that bottle of wine haunted us both,
longing for a sip.
Me, like that bottle,
unsafe in your grip.
But anyway,
I drank.
Partially to remind myself of what we'd had before,
but it tasted different,
sipping it became more of a chore.
And you were nervous to be beside me,
I could feel it getting worse,
when you brushed my leg and said sorry
with an uncomfortable amount of force.
It's okay
I remind you
it's just me.
Quick to fill the silence I reached for a CD,
but no track seems to fit the mood.
All of our favorites sounded wrong,
too much tension in every song.
Fumbling through the tracks,
I ignored the breeze
to fill the unending silence,
of friends turned lovers turned enemies.
And before I could muster a new conversation,
a tear hit my lap,
because between me and my best friend,
not even music could fill the hallow gap.

i closed                            my heart                            to lose myself
all the doors                   shut out                             the person
but forgot                       the sound                           i found
to keep                           your mind                          i cracked the lock
the key                           you shared with me         and set us free

It's late, and I'm sad. I've been crying, I've been thinking.
If I just disappeared, who would miss me? Who would notice? Who would try to find me?
I can't determine my death, but fate can.
Unless I tamper with my destiny, and make it what I want it to be.
I could easily **** myself, without pain, or with it.
I want to fall asleep, dream of a perfect world, and never wake up.
I could easily find a knife, or a razor, I could bleed out.
I could overdose on painkillers, because I have them right at my fingertips.
I could drown, or hang myself, or shoot myself.
I could jump off a bridge, or a building.
I could do all of this, and I do consider it, but I could never fulfill it.
The thought of death calms me, my soul wouldn't inhabit the body I have now.
I'd be free, free from reality, and worries.
I wouldn't carry this life on, it would just end.
Who would it effect? Who would finally acknowledge who I am?
People who once hated me, or talked **** about me, would all of a sudden care.
They would say, "what a shame, she was so beautiful."
People lie, they're careless, thinking words don't hurt.
They have no idea what I go through, what I think about, what I want to do.
I couldn't leave my mom, she's holding me back.
I wouldn't live for anyone else.
If I died, I would be remembered, but remembered as a girl who was too weak and broken to live,
too sad to move forward.
People would move on, and I'd be pushed to the back of their minds.
If I could simply die without anyone knowing, I wouldn't be here now.

It is hard to write
And draw
When you're at the bottom of the sea
Fighting tooth, nail, and claw.
How can I unlock these chains without the key?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Sharks circling
Nostrils on fire:
You never knew the taste of flame
Until now, liar.
If they ever came
Then you wouldn't have all these marks
Then you wouldn't know
All the anatomy of sharks.

You called out of the blue.
I couldn't believe that it was you. 
But the caller i.d. said your name.
You had dismissed my presence for so long that I was in awe.

You asked to come over.
I let you in.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
All the feelings I had for you starting rushing back in like they were a river pouring through me.

We starred at each other reminiscing on our memories together.
The connection that had always held us up was there,
It was as clear as the sky and both of us could see it.
Maybe it had never really left.

I could see in your eyes that it was taking everything in you to not lean forward and kiss me.
The ****** tension started rising up in both of us.
My head was screaming yes.
But my heart was shaking no.
I had been unconsciously waiting for this moment for as long as I could remember. 

So I gave in.
I went with my head.
As soon as I knew it we were lying in my bed and you were outlining my body with your hands.
I craved your touch.
You were the happiest I had ever seen you,
You always were when we were together.
I wanted to stop time and live in this moment forever.

Even though this moment was perfect,
Everything in me knew I should say no and screamed that this was a bad idea,
But I was too happy to listen to anything besides his breath.
He was everything I wanted.

I could see he was falling back inlove with me.
We both were.
It was scaring the **** out of us.
Right when he realized his feelings he pulled as fast as he could away.

He thought we could just use each other to fill the gap of loneliness.
But nothing ever goes as planned, with us.

He finally left and I was then stranded with my feelings,
All over again.