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6.8k · Dec 2013
Social Media
Caroline Dec 2013
As every day that passes by
We teens are ******
Into this vortex called social media
Yet we find ourselves becoming less social
We hide away in our rooms
Because why make an effort
To go out and socialize
When you have the whole world
At your fingertips

*-c.a.
3.4k · Apr 2014
You Are My 3am Thoughts
Caroline Apr 2014
I have this uncomfortable taste in my mouth and you put it there.
With your smooth words and sly lips,
your cunning eyes and devils stare;
you were no good from the moment we first met.
Yet I deceived myself to believe that I could make you fall in love with me.
Because I have legs that could go on for miles if you dared to take them for a walk and hair that you love to twirl around your finger but it's like my net of affections so you try not to get caught.
And I just wanted you to know that you are my 3 am thoughts.
When I am laying in bed clutching at my chest wondering if that smile earlier was for me; when I am laying in bed wondering why that girl and not me.
But see I should have known better because there is always a catch, if it's too good to be true then it most likely is and nothing good ever lasts.

*-c.a.
3.0k · May 2013
Confused
Caroline May 2013
I am confused.

I wonder,

Who I will love in the future.

Or

I think about

who I have loved before.

*-c.a.
2.3k · Dec 2013
Just remember, I love you
Caroline Dec 2013
I remember the exact day and the exact time when you made the choice to get involved in my life.
I remember the first words you said to me, in person and online.
I remember how we would stay up all night, just to sleep in all day because we thought everything was more exciting at night.
I remember that you were the first person I'd talk to when I'd wake up and the last at night.
I remember telling you that I thought I was a mistake and you told me how I was perfect in every little way.
I remember where I was and what I was doing the first time you ever said "I love you."

I remember when you decided to leave for two weeks.
I remember when those two weeks turned into two months.
I remember when you came back and promised to be "moderately present."
I remember that to me, it seemed like all you wanted to do was get high.
I remember that you became to busy for me.
I remember that it seemed like you were my entire world but I was just tiny peeble in your hand that you liked to play with.
I remember exactly what I said to you on the last day we talked.
I remember when we stopped saying "I love you."

*-c.a.
2.3k · Aug 2013
Sleep Deprived
Caroline Aug 2013
"You look tired."

"Have you been getting enough sleep?"

To tell you the truth my system's out of whack.

All because of you and our video chats.

I've been up all night with you,

8 hours of no sleep.

Talking about things, just you and me.

-*c.a.
Caroline Nov 2013
My dearest love,
You have to be strong. You can't break down. When all the troubles and burdens of the world pile onto your shoulders, do not let your knees buckle. Remember proper posture, you must keep your back straight. Slouching adds to back ache. Remember my darling that no task is too mighty for you. For if it was given to you to do then that is what you must do. Don't forget about your heartaches my love, because that pain will become a dull reminder that you can always do better. See boys are nothing special until they notice that my, you certainly are special. And remember honey, don't drink with your friends. You must be the sober one to hold their hair back. I know that sounds like no fun but when it's a matter of life or death, you'll be glad that you are.

*-c.a.
1.7k · May 2013
Fantasy
Caroline May 2013
Rainbows
Unicorns
The things I desire
I lie down but I'm not tired
I do this so I can let my mind wander
It always goes to the same place
but nothing is always the same
The unicorns here are pink
never white nor black
the rainbows are filled with colors you can't even imagine
but never white nor black
the trees in my fantasy
are made up of delicious cotton candy

In my fantasy
the roads are rocky road ice cream
and the people are the sweetest sour patch kids
this is my fantasy
the things I dream of
I wish my fantasy was reality
but would never want this reality to be my fantasy
because I would be scared to go to sleep.

*-c.a.
I wrote this when I was 11.
1.7k · May 2013
Cut
Caroline May 2013
Cut
You looked and saw them
You asked what happened
You asked why my wrists were cut
And I replied,
"I got sad, that's all."

*-c.a.
Caroline May 2013
In second grade,
My mom made me wear dresses everyday.
My mom would part my hair down the middle and make two long braids with colorful hair ties.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my dresses.
The boy that sat behind me would pull my braids anytime I said something smart.

In fourth grade,
I told my mom I could dress myself, but she still had to approve of every outfit.
I told my mom I was old enough to style my own hair.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my weight instead of my clothes.
The boy that sat behind me would sit next to me and call me names for being the stupid one in smart classes.

In seventh grade,
I told my mom that I didn't care what she thought.
I cut my long hair shoulder length.
I started wearing dark makeup.
The boys didn't make fun of my weight but they would ask me out as a joke.
The boy that sat behind me and then next to me, liked me and texted me every night saying how pretty I was.

In the ninth grade,
My mom wasn't awake to see what I wore to school.
I regretted the very day I decided to cut my hair.
The boys that called me fat; left me alone because they found someone bigger to pick on.
The boy that sat behind me asked me for a naked picture and I said no.
He called me a fat, ugly, ***** and never talked to me again.

In the tenth grade,
My mom borrowed my clothes and I borrowed hers.
My hair fell out but I wanted it to grow.
Boys no longer call me fat because they never saw me eat.
And the boy that sat behind me wanted me back.
I cried myself to sleep and hid my wrists in my sleeve.

It's funny how many things changed since the second grade.

*-c.a.
1.5k · Jun 2013
Ana
Caroline Jun 2013
Ana
Ana Ana,
Where are you?
I need to be thin like you!
Teach me your ways
Show me how to starve
Ana Ana,
I want to be just like you.

*-c.a.
(4/25/2014 you all are beautiful and I love you please know that)
Caroline Jun 2014
I wouldn't consider myself suicidal but if someone was holding a gun to my head and threatening to pull the trigger,
I would pull it myself for the fear of not being in control of my own death is greater than the fear of death itself.

*-c.a.
1.2k · May 2013
Beautiful
Caroline May 2013
Beautiful,
such an overly used word.
How about you call them:
                                                        Stu­nning                       Delicate
                                    Magnificent                 ­   Lovely                    Radiant
                            ­  Enticing                                                       ­                    Exquisite
                           Tantalizing                                                      ­                   Dazzling
                                 Wonderful                                                        ­      Mesmerizing
                                               ­  Alluring                                          Ravishing
                                                          Captiv­ating            Enthralling
                                    ­                                      Enchanting

How about you call them something other than beautiful?

*-c.a.
it's supposed to be a heart, but alas I failed.
1.1k · Aug 2013
What about now?
Caroline Aug 2013
long dresses and pigtails
clips in her hair and tiara on her head
glitter on her eyes and lip gloss on
little pink shoes and white lace socks
do you like her?

cigarette smoke and ***** breath
smeared mascara and red lipstick
high heeled shoes and black fishnet tights
long black hair and cold dead eyes
what about now?

locked in her room and broken down
slashed wrists and matted hair
empty pill bottles and full of oblivion
goodbyes said and hellos forgotten
well it's too late now.

*-c.a.
991 · Sep 2013
Am I making any sense?
Caroline Sep 2013
I know I'm not anything special. I know that when I walk past guys, I don't turn heads like some girls do and guys don't come up to me and ask for my number. And I'm okay with that. But for once I want someone to choose me first. I'm so ******* tired of being someone's second choice or getting left behind for someone better. I guess what I really want is someone to like me for me and then end up liking the whole me, if that makes any sense.

*-c.a.
956 · May 2013
Eat
Caroline May 2013
Eat
EAT EAT EAT*,
my body screamed.
I know I should,
but I can't.
If I do,
they will laugh.
Who you may ask,
only the voices in my head that I'm desperately trying to impress.

-c.a.
819 · May 2013
Blind
Caroline May 2013
Blind
Young
Innocent
Childish
Naive
That's how you found me,
lying on the floor,
trying to find myself in this world.

*-c.a.
793 · Dec 2013
Christmas dreams
Caroline Dec 2013
I think I saw you in my dreams last night.
When I fell asleep without the haunting of my cell light.
Waiting for you to text me or give me a call,
I fell asleep with no thought of you at all.
So imagine my surprise when you stroll up and give me a kiss,
under the mistletoe surrounded by the white snow's mist.
A Christmas dream enveloped in bliss.
I miss you more than you could wish.

*-c.a.
773 · May 2013
Just me
Caroline May 2013
there's you
and then there's me.

there's a supermodel blonde you
and then there's average brown me.

there's a hourglass shaped you
and then there's a circle shaped me.

there's a beautiful happy you
and then there's just me.

*-c.a.
762 · May 2013
I like you.
Caroline May 2013
I like you.
because you noticed me
when I was trying to be invisible.

I like you
because when I talk, you look me in the eyes
and listen to everything I have to say.  

I like you
because when I jumble up the words I'm about to say,
you patiently wait until I'm unjumbled and set straight.

I like you
because you're you.

I like you
because there is a chance that you'll like me too.

*-c.a.
761 · Aug 2013
I'm tired.
Caroline Aug 2013
I'm tired of chasing after you.
I'm tired of wondering if you love me still.
I'm tired of believing you care.
I'm tired of wondering if you dare call me up and sigh that you miss my face.

I'm tired of you disappearing for 7 days.
I'm tired of your endless digs at me.
I'm tired of defending your case.
I'm tired of waiting for you to miss me.

I'm tired,
oh so very tired.

*-c.a.
760 · May 2013
Silence
Caroline May 2013
You're dead but you breathe as though you're alive
You're alive but you act as though you're dead
A rapid heartbeat silenced by a shock of silence
Silence invades your mind
Causing temporary peace
Until your thoughts go to war
They fight for a chance to be heard
But they know that no one will listen
As the realization sets in
The silence becomes deafening
Suffocating
Even life threatening
Everybody wants to be heard
But nobody wants to listen.

*-c.a.
760 · Oct 2013
Summer
Caroline Oct 2013
Summer is my favorite season ever
Staying outside under the starry night sky
Swimming and hoping the day never ends
Laying in our swimsuits waiting to dry
I really want summer to be here now.

I would stay up and do crazy things because I'm a teen
Listening to music and letting days pass by
Wearing short shorts and smelling like chlorine
Natural hair with no makeup on
Waking up to the earthy smell of freshly cut grass
Watching the clouds float by with not a care
In the car with the sound up and bass loud
Wearing glasses to protect me from the glare
Even though it's usually way to hot for me
Sometimes that's what you need to feel free

*-c.a.
750 · Aug 2013
See the sea
Caroline Aug 2013
Waves of calmness wash over me
Seas of weariness tire me
I drown in my emptiness

I scream for help but I'm too far out at sea
I'm being dragged down under
My foot's caught in the net of your affection

In my desolation, I'll yield to my shortcoming
I crave the attention
I need the adoration
My soul has sinned father
Save me from these monsters out at sea

-*c.a.
731 · Jul 2013
Bruises
Caroline Jul 2013
Yellow,
Green,
Purple,
Black,
and Blue.
I wonder
what I did
to deserve you, bruise.

*-c.a.
690 · Aug 2013
It came to me in a dream
Caroline Aug 2013
Walking through an asylum
Am I insane? I don't know.
Waking up in an asylum
Insanity has it's hold, it won't let me go.
Waking up after your lie
The pain is gone but I'm so tired
Going through my life
Making difficult decisions while trying to survive
This is not fine
We will not come out alive
Give me something
So I can end my own life.

*-c.a.
I wrote this in a dream
672 · Apr 2014
I adore you
Caroline Apr 2014
My mind no longer thinks in English but in the sound of your voice,
and my mouth forms no other shape than the shape of yours,
and my tongue can't create any words because it's laid heavy with the thought of you,
and I hope you notice that my heart is beating extra hard for you,
and I'm starting to sound like a cliche and I won't say those words because I can't dare them to be true so I'll venture as far to say that I adore you.

*-c.a.
669 · May 2013
hi.
Caroline May 2013
hi.
"Hi." you said to me
My mind races
it's going a mile a minute
Please don't say anything stupid
Please
Come on
You can do it
Just say hi back
It's simple
It really is
2 letters
1 syllable
but so many hidden meanings.

*-c.a.
Caroline Feb 2014
I am a part of a fallen generation.
The generation that takes pride in their pain.
We don't let it stray too far, we keep it just at bay.
It is very common to have hatred for ourselves more than others.
People are wishing to be dead because the world is too heavy for our fragile shoulders.
Constant headaches because our heads are expanding at a rapid rate
and we will try to stand tall no matter how much our knees quake.
There is no gain without pain or so they told us.
See we've grown accustomed to the constant nagging of our sub conscious desires, a raging battle between reasons to live and reasons to expire.

*-c.a.
657 · Dec 2013
13
Caroline Dec 2013
13
When I was 13,
I went up to my mother and told her that I wasn't beautiful because
my eyes were too close together
and that my gut hung lower
and my teeth went out farther.
my hair was too coarse
and my appetite was too large,
my skin was too dark
and my nose was too wide.

When I was 13,
I told my mother that beautiful came in only one size
and one size only
and I happened to be 3 sizes too large.
See I thought that all because I saw it to be true.
Oh how I wished to be that girl in the magazines because even the girl in the magazine wanted to be her.
Oh how I wished on every birthday and new years eve to lose weight and to be pretty.
I struggled so long with this issue of mine.
So long that it became a constant companion by my side.
See I longed for that day when everything would be alright.
For that day when I could look in the mirror and think I looked fine.
For the heavens to open up and the stars align,
crying out the one phrase that would change my mind;
you are beautiful, no matter what size.
See the heavens never opened up and the stars stayed the same
but all I can say is that my mindset changed.
Beautiful comes in many sizes, from extra small to triple extra large.

*-c.a.
626 · May 2013
Hold On
Caroline May 2013
Darling, you’ll be alright
Food won’t **** you but your mind might.
Sit tight
              and hold on.
The storm will pass
                                and you’ll move on.
The danger is in over thinking
The power is in not eating
All sanity is gone.
So sit tight and hold on.

*-c.a.
601 · May 2013
Mommy
Caroline May 2013
Late afternoon walks with mommy around the neighborhood
We picked flowers that smelled good.
Breakfast in bed for mommy on mothers day
Don't spill any syrup or you'll have to pay
Home cooked meals once a week
Mommy's stressed and doesn't want to eat
Brother and sister are tall and skinny
They got mommy's genes. Not me
Mommy's head is hurting
Please be quiet, she is sleeping
Mommy loves her kids very much
But can't she see my life is rough
Mommy where were you when I needed you the most
Oh well I'll go drown myself or hang myself from this noose.
But it's good to know you loved me too.

*-c.a.
579 · Nov 2013
Backwards and forwards
Caroline Nov 2013
Sometimes I get a little bit cynical
with all this critical
thinking.

My brain is spinning out of control
with the thought of
self-destruct-ion.

My music is my only savior from
this night that wants to
swallow me whole.

1,
2,
3 am and
I should be asleep
My heart is pounding in my stomach
My lungs are in my legs
Everything is backwards in my head.

*-c.a.
572 · May 2013
Words.
Caroline May 2013
Words are powerful,
so choose them carefully.

Words are your fate,
sentences to your destiny.

but the lies you tell
make up the spiderweb of your life.

Spin a web of lies and catch some flies
Flies are friends and foes.
So be careful and watch your nose.

*-c.a.
569 · May 2013
Roller Coaster
Caroline May 2013
My life is a roller coaster.
                          up
                                and
                                        d
                      ­                        o
                                                   w
                                                         n
I can't decide which,
                          s i d e to s i d e
which way am I going to turn next.
It takes me upside down
It makes my heart spin
It turns me around
Crash
Looks like I've hit a dead end.

*-c.a.
548 · Aug 2013
The sun will come out
Caroline Aug 2013
The healing process is complex
It takes time and patience with the hope of success
When fixing something broken you may get hurt in the process
But don't stray away
Stay awhile
The sun always comes out after the rain
Please be my sun
while I pour,
pour,
pour,
and then drain.

*-c.a.
535 · Dec 2013
We...
Caroline Dec 2013
we don't talk anymore
i don't really know why
we just kinda stopped trying
i guess it was too good to be true
and all good things come to an end.

*-c.a.
529 · May 2013
Not possible.
Caroline May 2013
You said you loved me
but that can't be true.
Because love means forever; me and you
but truly I can't love you
I can't return what you give to me
I'll always be sad no matter how happy I'll be
I'm too much of a hassle
Easy to unravel
I appreciate the thought of admiration
but I know that I'll succumb to my desperation.

*-c.a.
514 · Feb 2014
Just Fine
Caroline Feb 2014
"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you so sad?"

Bad thoughts hurtling through my head.
Do I tell them that last night I wanted to die,
Or do I tell them that I'm just doing fine.

I go with the simple white lie, *
"Yeah, I'm just tired."

You believed it alright, said it's just seasonal depression.
You said that I'll be fine in no time.
But if you took the time to look up and peer into my eyes,
you would see the cry for help and the ache inside.
I'm too proud to ask for help yet I'm too afraid,
that you'll look at me as a broken piece that no longer fits in this game.

If I went to a doctor, they might tell me I'm vitamin D deprived,
because the stale air and fluorescent lights will wash you out
and cause you to isolate and want to die inside.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm depressed,
put me on a bunch of pills so all these thoughts can be oppressed.
If I went to a doctor, they might tell you I'm insane,
lock me up and put me away,
to think about me another day.

So, I guess here's another white lie
"I'm not sad, I'm doing just fine."

*-c.a.
504 · Dec 2013
Things I've Learned
Caroline Dec 2013
I've been spending a lot of time on tumblr so it got me thinking a lot about who I am and who I'm becoming.

I've learned that wearing certain clothes because everyone one else wears them or because someone will like them is pointless because you will feel uncomfortable.

I've learned that piercings and tattoos are a personal preference and that it's your body so you should be able to feel free to express yourself.

I've learned that love is love no matter what.

I've learned that things over the internet can hurt you and feel just as real as in real life.

I've learned that a mental diseases and mental disorders doesn't mean you have to be treated differently as a person but it also doesn't mean you need for help should go unnoticed.

But the most important thing, in my opinion, that I've learned that by being yourself is the only way to true happiness.

*-c.a.
498 · Jan 2014
Feelings vs. Breathing
Caroline Jan 2014
I don't really like myself when I develop feelings for someone.
I get so attached so fast and I can't really control it.
I get paranoid over the slightest things and then I get so anxious that everything turns into a blur.
I can't remember everything and it freaks me out.
I wish that it was a gradual process but instead
it's kinda like someone dunked my head in cold water and didn't know when to pull me out for air.

*-c.a.
494 · May 2013
Oh Brother
Caroline May 2013
Oh brother,
do you know,
how much I love you so.
You annoying little bag of bones
I couldn't go a day without your voice.
You are the never ending ball of stress
bouncing around in my life.
But besides all that,
you are my friend, I'll give you that.
Whenever I need you
You have my back.

*-c.a.
491 · Jun 2013
The next time
Caroline Jun 2013
The next time you see me I'll be
Emancipated and thin
And hopefully caving in
The next time you see me I'll be
Empty and dizzy with hunger
And filled with sick relief  
The next time you see me I'll be
85 pounds and close to death.

*-c.a.
488 · Jul 2013
1 2 3
Caroline Jul 2013
1
2
3
drink,
drink,
drink,
4
5
6
warmth,
happiness,
free,
7
8
9
1­0
you,
me,
we.

*-c.a.
481 · Oct 2013
Sleep
Caroline Oct 2013
I'm so tired that my soul aches for sleep
I walk straight but with weak knees
I'm surprised I made it this far
Traveling with sleepy eyes and cold feet
I'll reach my destination a little later than the rest
When I get there my heart will be put to the test
When I return there'll be no one left to meet me

I'm so tired that my soul prays for sleep.

*-c.a.
481 · May 2013
I wonder
Caroline May 2013
I wonder if you constantly check your phone to see if I had texted you.
I wonder if you lay in bed in the dark thinking about me.
I wonder if you regret saying something to me because you thought it sounded stupid.
I wonder if you ever feel like you are annoying me so you don’t talk to me for a day.
I wonder if you care about me.
I wonder if you would miss me if I disappeared.
I wonder if you do these things.
I really do.

*-c.a.
478 · Jan 2014
Society's Plot Twist
Caroline Jan 2014
How am I supposed to work on my posture when the bag on my back that contains my future is 15 pounds too much and is weighing me down.
my bag is filled with all the things I need to succeed, mostly with books and pencils but hardly any mental stability
How am I supposed to keep my head held high when they tell me to keep my nose down and my chin up, my eyes open and my mind shut.
I can't keep my head up high because that's rude and because I'm supposed to yield to other people's opinions as if they were true
How am I supposed to be strong when the strong get shut down and the weak is admired; strong is intimidating and weak is desired.
my body aches from the lack of food because being too big is too bad and being too small is always too good
Pale is beautiful and fair but tan, calloused hands are deemed ugly and bad.
my skin is pale because I never leave the house, school ***** and people stare too much;
my hands are calloused from all this writing because apparently expressing thoughts on paper is considered a type of knowledge


*-c.a.
476 · May 2013
Slim to none
Caroline May 2013
I was just about to give up on seeing anyone remotely attractive,
when I spied the best looking guy.

Every morning was painful,
to see his beautiful face and to know
that there was a slim to none chance that he would ever like someone like me.

*-c.a.
474 · Jul 2013
Liquid Ambrosia
Caroline Jul 2013
It fuels my veins,
gives me warmth.
lets me forget my problems,
rots my soul.
makes my head spin
and my legs shake.
give me alcohol and I might be okay.

*-c.a.
466 · May 2013
How lovely
Caroline May 2013
Oh lovely, a new friend.
Would you be so kind to listen to my story?
I need to tell someone as I fear I may be going insane.
If you are going to listen to my story, could you please try not to judge me?  
Oh, what’s that?
You’ll listen to my story?
And you won’t judge me?
Oh well, isn't that just lovely.

Now, the question is where do I start?

*-c.a.
456 · May 2013
You.
Caroline May 2013
Your hair is the color of the sky
at 9 o'clock at night.

Your eyes are as green
as mint leaves.

Your smile is as radiant
as the lights twinkling on Christmas trees.

Your embrace is as loving
as a mother holding her child for the first time.

Your laugh is as unique
as everyone's fingerprints.

I just wish you knew what I thought of you.

*-c.a.
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