I told you, I have trust in you
But faith cannot transcend my anxiety, attached like a tattoo

I told you, I am afraid to die but everyday when I wake up,
I'm scared I have to act that I'm alive

I told you, I don't care with all my flaws
but my insecurities are from head to toe
Even the way I speak, or smile or laugh, I question myself, why I am like that

I told you, I love you and I will remain the same
but love wasn't enough to cure the madness inside my brain

Don't trust me, and look deep into my eyes --
You'll see, Everything you knew was just a lie

You came to my life like a giant meatball falling from the sky
So weird and unexpected
As if someone invented a machine just to see me taste how flavourful life is

Everyday felt like a new one
And I discovered that there was more of me
More than the flavors of jelly beans
Just as colorful and fun

I let you eat all the midnight snacks
just because I'm already full, talking to you all night
and right after you fell sleep
I prayed for an infinite possibilities and chances
that tomorrow is another day with you

You have probably deleted and thrown away every pictures we had
You're not reminded of me by the things that I have given you
You probably don't remember me
I'm just a girl you met in the past

but I just couldn't throw everything away
l am still reminded of you by the smallest things
You are not just a guy a met in the past
You were everything to me
You were my life

The sun rises with its beautiful smile
Her burning light touches me softly
Only warms but cannot harm

I am 15 minutes awake and still in my bed
holding tight my pillow as if it embracing me back
and this lovely blanket I covered myself with
I feel safe, and peaceful and glad

This feeling only I could feel in this dream, right after I wake up,
in my memory I will keep
'It was such a good morning in my sleep'

I cry on my knees
I laugh out loud,
and do it both at the same time
I look at photographs,
I think about the stars,
I remember the past,
I get sadder and it suddenly hard to grasp
I regret a lot of things,
and I can't breathe
I died in the shower,
I will die again today in the water,
I worry about tomorrow,
as if the day is not enough for suffocation,
I cut and iron my hair,
I draw happy faces on my skin,
I pluck the strings of ukulele,
and read a book about jellyfish
while I listen to a song called Tenderfoot
and still --
I couldn't be able to love myself

When I die, don't throw a funeral service
on our house
don't cremate me
nor put my body inside a coffin
let my body become a tree
and if you see purple flowers
I hope you remember me

when the world heals
and everything back to what it was
my life would remain still

As I look at you through those eyes,
I know that I’m not exactly the way you are
not because I am more confident on myself now
but because I see things differently

I still remember how I was crying in front of you
and it was not worth a bit

If you could hear me from the past
I want to remind you that
your beauty is beyond
nice angle or lucky shots

And you have every right to smile even without the camera
because you deserve that

12/02/2019 is one of those days
when you are surrounded by
a lot of good, caring people
but your mind remains
floating in the midst of loneliness
while you hear your grandma's voice
saying that happiness is a choice