eating pretzels
and chugging fruit juice
that mercifully
doesn't taste suspiciously
like vegetables
thank you, jesus
and a plague on both of
v8's houses

amen.



....*******

i'm sorry, my
car broke down
cat puked
got sick
i puked
broke some appendage
that is necessary
for writing
tripped on a saw
hugged the wrong friend
got laryngitis
can't talk
got *****
by a tv show
all night
my dad's a hippie
sorry
couldn't make it
to class

i sit
jump up and down
on the over-stuffed suitcase
that is my mind.
it won't close;
i take some things out
examine them
decide if i want to
take them with me
but some things
won't leave...
i was hoping to lose my luggage
properly
this time around
but the ******* customs people
always send it back home with me
*******

oh deep
ditches
annals
endless wires
poking
snagging
interest
of the internet,
why must you always ensnare me
i'm trying to write a paper
*******

i am well rehearsed
in the art
of making my dad feel better.
on the days when he sits in his chair
his mustache drooping,
his hair seemingly greying before my eyes,
staring at the floor
emptily,
i know how to make him
smile.
i'll contort my face into silly expressions
whinneeeee
and wheeeddlleeee
and joke
until i tease that smile
out of him.
sometimes when he's unlocking the door
i'll hug him
just for no reason.
he needs
all the hugs he can get
mom robbed him
of four different sized hugs
that are due
every single day
but he gets
once a month
if he is lucky
he has four
child-shaped holes
in his heart
and one
mom-shaped one
i try
to squeeze them shut
with my arms.

i can't write poems for **** today.
seriously.
i just tried like
80 times
it's not my day
i guess

...wait...

dafuq

i didn't realize
that i could fight abuse
feed starving children
stop someone from smoking
heal someone of cancer
by sitting on my ***
and applying pressure to a button
on my $1,200 dollar
laptop
maybe i should devote
my entire facebook
to this cause
maybe i'll even
start a social media
revolution

i stole a typewriter
from the side of the road
actually
maybe it was free...
anyway,
i kind of think i saved it...
he's from the 1980's,
a little old for me
but we have this strange
romance
going on
he writes so
pretty

i woke up to a text from my mom this morning,
saying that she wanted to see me for my birthday...
that all she wanted
was a chance.
it has been almost six months
since i have seen her
let alone
talked to her
and i have spent all that time
hating her
for everything...
but hating her
tires me out.
i cannot hate anyone
for long
even after all she's done
to deserve it.

today...
is different.
i didn't smirk
at her text
brush it off
never reply
delete it
i actually responded.
told her
that'd be great
hell, i even
apologized
for missing her birthday
last month...

i can see her face
as she reads that text
i'm sure
she's crying
i know what the things i do and say
do to her
i lived with her
for eighteen years...
sixteen of which
were happy

i guess...
after all the unhappiness she has made
for herself
and for everyone around her
i can't deny her
one small shred of a smile
yes,
everything
all of it
was her fault
entirely
but every bit of hatred
afterwards
was MY fault.

mom...
i am
sorry.