I could just go with the flow

But if I just go with it
If I just let things fall into place-
Like little bits and pieces held up by some invisible force
Tied together by some minuscule string

Will things fall apart more easily?

And if I don’t watch my back
Or my step when I walk down the stairs
And cascade down some unknown height
And hit the bottom somewhere

Will the fall be that much harder?

Sometimes I hesitate to touch you after
The beads of sweat
The sticky sheets
The heavy stench
The shape of your face in the pillow
All mirrored in the panting of your breath
And I can’t help but feel like it wasn’t enough
Like I’m not enough
And that’s why it’s done
Why you’re static and disabled
Why you don’t look at me
And So I just sit and wait for something
                Nothing
To happen

And then I remember how you laid me down
The unraveling of clothes
The heat in the room
Those words you uttered
Under your breath and against my neck
And even below my stomach
And then I realize it was enough
I am enough
You’re moving a little
And looking at me right in the eyes
And so I just sit and wait for nothing
Because something already happened

This is not my nature
This is not how I’m supposed to shine
I’m sapphire, not stone
Twinkle, twinkle little star, not little rock
And people ask me what are you?
Who are you?
What do you stand for?
Mind, mind! Make up your mind!
So I fake a face and smile
‘Cuz if I don’t I’ll suffocate

And I keep saying to myself
Take a moment to catch your breath
And slow down…
But the train never stops for anyone

Sometimes I wonder why you’re emotions
Only half linger in the light
And why your other half just keeps
Walking through walls.
And then I get even angrier
Because I can’t repeat the one, two-two of your step
And I’m left standing here with a suitcase
With no actual place to go then just out the door.
                                      Why have you lost all your faith in us?
                                      And if you lost it, then what else do you have left to show?
                                      Because God knows I can’t keep it for you

Sometimes I can see you standing by the window
And I want you to hold me
Like I might break
But you’d rather just keep beating me down
And I want to scream “She’s just a child, don’t break her!”
Even though I’m a woman, and I’m a hollow shell.
And I think that if you’re not going to keep me
Then fine, just leave me the moon
                              But please stop saying to just “pull yourself together”
                              When you know I’m just going to pull myself apart
                              Because that’s all I ever do

Sometimes I think that today might be the day
That you cave in to me like a rock wall
And let me fall on you
Like you’re made of soft, feather pillows
But instead I just fall into a salty bed
That swallows me up
Because you’ve got me in a place
Where I cannot swim
                               Then I start to think what’s left when the glass is gone?
                               And why am I always in my “worst hour?”
                               And I have to ask “you want me right?”

And I laugh because it’s funny that all this could be fixed
Without any glue or staples,
Just a simple phrase
And for ****’s sake I’m just going to say it!

I LOVE Y …never mind

You found my pressure point
And pushed it hard until I dropped
Now I’m falling hard
                        And I’m falling fast
And bleeding all over the new kitchen floor
On the way down I feel so incredibly small
And realize my bones are tired
And I remember that I can’t sleep next to you
‘cuz you keep thrashing around
Under the covers
                And inside my head
And that you were once my lover
But now you’re my adversary
And that the space between love and hate
Has shrunk so thin that I can’t make it out
Without a magnifying glass

But tonight I’ll still sleep in your bed

This is my life
This is my weapon
You are my drug
You are my demise
So, I guess I can’t live
I guess I can’t love
Without you

Maybe you’ve found something better than me
(I bet anything could be better than me)
Right?
Wrong
I’m always wrong
…Maybe you’ll need me when I’m gone

Maybe you’re sure I’ve let you down
(I bet I’ve failed you many times)
Wrong?
Right
You’re always right
…Maybe you’ll think of me tonight