I'm ready to fall apart now


Where do I get in line?

When I look down
I see white
A small child
Content, unaware, brimming
Nursing on false dreams
Waiting for the curtain to lift
On their favorite scene

When I look down
I see red
A victim of circumstance
Of poor timing
Of missing opportunities
Of so much that could have been
And never was

...I have to see white

I’m lonely together

You see

Fingers intertwined
Lips locked, breath hot
Bed drinking us down
Like a tall glass of water
So much time
To give

But I feel

Fingers loose
Lips in knots, unsorted thoughts
Bed swallowing me up
Like a raging wave of white
So little time
To forgive

I’m not made of steel
I’m string
Hanging off an old sweater
You pull-
I snap, I bend

I
Break

In my room*
There’s a fire
And a heavy, sweet aroma of smoke
That’s fogging my senses; cleansing my senses
Blinding me and healing me
                  The fire touches skin; swallows skin
And yet I’m ice and stone
So the fire is just a kiss
That will linger hereafter

He wants to get away for a little while
Connect with that blank spot in his mind
And let his thoughts frost over

He’ll take the long road there
And offer the short good bye here

And when he leaves he’ll be a whisper

In my mind there is a sight
Where secret etchings stain the walls
Where ****** truths have come to light
Where ideas will grow, and also fall
And underneath there lies a space
Cold and hollow like a shell
And through that tunnel is a place
Where all thoughts and things go to dwell

Nothing is permanent
Our love can be a vestige
Of something that once was
A forgotten shadow in the hallway
A grain of salt
And insect
I can erase us
I can erase you
You aren’t rooted at my bedside
And an “I love you”
Doesn’t work as a placement holding card..

Somewhere on the outskirts of my mind
is a train station that leads anywhere...
...anywhere away from here
...here... where all those jumbled screws and knots exist
but sometimes the train isn't enough
and I wonder why I can't just fly away
from all the noise?

Lover dearest, here I lay
On the bed where you once slept
I can hear your soft, soft breathing
When I pretend the pillow is your chest
And when the sheets don't feel as soft
As your breath against my hair
I move down on to the floor
and let my thoughts turn into air

the Disappointment lingers
because the Aftermath was bitter
Why can't you admit that you're the one to blame?

I'm on the rocks; on the edge
and off balance; off kilter
I'm going to fall
and then I'm going to land
somewhere on my head
upside down and right side up
or maybe backwards
or in another dimension
and maybe the other me will be better
and more put together
or maybe I'm the same in all realms
and if that's so then I'm hopeless...

Sometimes I dream of two large doors
But the doors are really mountains
And I’m stuck in between them
Floating in a sea made of dirt
And I can’t swim in dirt
Because I only know how
To swim in water
And I can’t move mountains
Because I only know how
To open doors
And I feel like I will float forever
But eventually dreamers wake up

Because all dreams end eventually

Today is a shade of gray

And it’s making my motivation milky
And turning my appendages into frozen meat
Because I don’t feel like leaving the bed
Yes, I could try to make amends
With my legs and my feet
But the sheets are like butter
And my pillows are marshmallows
And the mattress is this soft crust
And you can’t bake a pie without the filling
And I’ve got to be the filling!

So my bed is where I'll stay

You said I’m only a small beam of light
And that there’s not much at all to rectify
Once I go dark, I’ll be the darkest night
Once the flame goes out, so does the fight

And if that’s so then when I’m down, I’m really down
And when I’m caught on fire, so is the town
And the night was never blue, it was always black
And the windows to my soul aren’t new, they’re cracked

But despite what you say, I’m not through
Because I refuse to be just a thought to you

I refuse to be just a thought

For the first time…
I saw you
Lips to toes
And you were born for me

Born for me
With all the right stitches and seams
And gleaming with all the right Ooh’s and Aah’s

And I want to make you God
And I want to make you King
And I need to make you mine

I hate when you’re Rush Hour

You get this big yellow school bus smile
With two red fire truck eyes
And you’re breath becomes bumper to bumper
And just keep stopping and going
And it makes me so nauseous
That I have to get off the road

I should always be the X in tic-tack-toe
‘Cuz X marks the spot
And that’s where the gold is
And maybe I’m gold? Not sterling silver



...O’s are just  hollow and empty

I try to keep my memories close to me
But memories are mobile; fleeting
They get restless and want to travel
And I don’t want to smother them
And have them leave me forever
So I just let them go
But I know that at the end of each day
They’ll come lay in my bed with me
And keep my mind warm
When my heart is cold

It’s 4 AM
I want to sleep
And disappear in my bed
And go to the Mother Dreamland
But instead I’m at my desk
With a blank paper and quivering pen
That refuse to fall in love with each other
And a mind that won’t regurgitate words
And eyes that won’t stay focused

And I see everything
Everything but the paper now
I see the glare of my TV on the wall
Changing colors as quickly as I blink
I see the evil heater that won’t work
Forcing me to put on three sweaters
I see the dying threads in my sweaters
After a losing battle with my dryer
I see the coffee stains on my pajamas
And the cup of coffee that made them

And then I see my paper again
And it’s crying
And the pen is crying
Because now they want to be together
But I’m keeping them apart
And so I write…

You choose what you want to see
All the cracks in things
The grains of dirt; the dust in the room
The slits in the sheets; the clothes on the floor
You look right through me
I’m transparent
My words are air
My thoughts are water
You are king
I am nothing
          Until you want to see me

I could just go with the flow

But if I just go with it
If I just let things fall into place-
Like little bits and pieces held up by some invisible force
Tied together by some minuscule string

Will things fall apart more easily?

And if I don’t watch my back
Or my step when I walk down the stairs
And cascade down some unknown height
And hit the bottom somewhere

Will the fall be that much harder?

Sometimes I hesitate to touch you after
The beads of sweat
The sticky sheets
The heavy stench
The shape of your face in the pillow
All mirrored in the panting of your breath
And I can’t help but feel like it wasn’t enough
Like I’m not enough
And that’s why it’s done
Why you’re static and disabled
Why you don’t look at me
And So I just sit and wait for something
                Nothing
To happen

And then I remember how you laid me down
The unraveling of clothes
The heat in the room
Those words you uttered
Under your breath and against my neck
And even below my stomach
And then I realize it was enough
I am enough
You’re moving a little
And looking at me right in the eyes
And so I just sit and wait for nothing
Because something already happened

This is not my nature
This is not how I’m supposed to shine
I’m sapphire, not stone
Twinkle, twinkle little star, not little rock
And people ask me what are you?
Who are you?
What do you stand for?
Mind, mind! Make up your mind!
So I fake a face and smile
‘Cuz if I don’t I’ll suffocate

And I keep saying to myself
Take a moment to catch your breath
And slow down…
But the train never stops for anyone

Sometimes I wonder why you’re emotions
Only half linger in the light
And why your other half just keeps
Walking through walls.
And then I get even angrier
Because I can’t repeat the one, two-two of your step
And I’m left standing here with a suitcase
With no actual place to go then just out the door.
                                      Why have you lost all your faith in us?
                                      And if you lost it, then what else do you have left to show?
                                      Because God knows I can’t keep it for you

Sometimes I can see you standing by the window
And I want you to hold me
Like I might break
But you’d rather just keep beating me down
And I want to scream “She’s just a child, don’t break her!”
Even though I’m a woman, and I’m a hollow shell.
And I think that if you’re not going to keep me
Then fine, just leave me the moon
                              But please stop saying to just “pull yourself together”
                              When you know I’m just going to pull myself apart
                              Because that’s all I ever do

Sometimes I think that today might be the day
That you cave in to me like a rock wall
And let me fall on you
Like you’re made of soft, feather pillows
But instead I just fall into a salty bed
That swallows me up
Because you’ve got me in a place
Where I cannot swim
                               Then I start to think what’s left when the glass is gone?
                               And why am I always in my “worst hour?”
                               And I have to ask “you want me right?”

And I laugh because it’s funny that all this could be fixed
Without any glue or staples,
Just a simple phrase
And for ****’s sake I’m just going to say it!

I LOVE Y …never mind

You found my pressure point
And pushed it hard until I dropped
Now I’m falling hard
                        And I’m falling fast
And bleeding all over the new kitchen floor
On the way down I feel so incredibly small
And realize my bones are tired
And I remember that I can’t sleep next to you
‘cuz you keep thrashing around
Under the covers
                And inside my head
And that you were once my lover
But now you’re my adversary
And that the space between love and hate
Has shrunk so thin that I can’t make it out
Without a magnifying glass

But tonight I’ll still sleep in your bed

This is my life
This is my weapon
You are my drug
You are my demise
So, I guess I can’t live
I guess I can’t love
Without you

Maybe you’ve found something better than me
(I bet anything could be better than me)
Right?
Wrong
I’m always wrong
…Maybe you’ll need me when I’m gone

Maybe you’re sure I’ve let you down
(I bet I’ve failed you many times)
Wrong?
Right
You’re always right
…Maybe you’ll think of me tonight

…You talk too much
    Your tiny pill word *****
    Is making me overdose

And then I die and go to your garden
And see you’re the thorn that keeps ******* the weeds
Around my small little grave
And then ****** the seeds
And you smell like dirt
And everything bad in death
And I want to tear you like a dying scroll
Whose paper renders weak like my fading breath
But I can’t tear you apart
When I’m already torn head to toe myself
So I relinquish all master controls
And lay my only soul to rest

There’s this hole in me
It’s infinite
I am infinity
     And this bed is a web
     And I am stuck in its sticky sheets
     That are weaving in and out of the crevices of my body

And my ceiling fan is growing legs
And eight beady, focused eyes
That are hovering over me with malicious intent

        And my floor is twenty stories below me
Filled with the echoes of lost dust bunnies
Who can’t save me from the beast

This hole is still gaping
And it’s hungry; ravenous
     I am the beast
    And I can’t save me from myself

I am unsure of most things
    Like the number of marbles in the jar
       Or which letters are in my soup
          Or how many words are in a book

But I am sure of some things
    Like the color blue in the sky
       And that darkness comes at night
          And that there’s blood in my veins

I am unsure of most things
    Like the names of all that have died
       Or where my dreams come from
          Or how to ride that stupid bike

But I am sure of some things
    Like the space next to me in my bed
       And that the clock is still ticking
          And that Time refuses to let you go

I could spend all my time
Tripping on these weeds
Lingering on broken dreams
     Or memories I don’t need

I could spend all my time
Swimming in another sea
Under some other moon
     Or under some other tree

But then I’d think too much
And then it’d seem all wrong
And then I’d feel too much
     And then I would be gone…

I keep thinking that if I lose you

…I lose myself                    

That I’ll melt into the backdrop
Behind the main actors of the show

That I’ll drown in two-feet deep water

That rain will only lead to floods
And heat will only lead to fires

That the wind will blow over my house

That the sky will come down upon me
With the moon and the sun and the stars

That my sheets will strangle me at night


And then I realize that if I lose you

…I’ll be okay

You blinked once




…And then I was gone…

Like rain on the windshield of your car
Like some disappearing act
Where the rabbit gets lost in the hat

Accept I was lost in time
And Time is needy and greedy
And wont give me back

I sing the blues because you and I
Are not the same

    You are the ravenous night
      The meteors that crash and burn
        That wicked breath, coming from a rotten core
           Filling up my lungs like liquid metal

    You are the cold I feel
       When I forget my coat on the chair
         That evil temptress that lures me in
           And then strangles me until I see white


                                 But…


                                     I want you to be the summer rain
                                 The neutral waves that roll over my toes
                              The words from my childhood stories
Caressing my mind with visions of castles in the sky


                                               I want you to be the eyes of a doe
                                         Who’s innocence has yet to be lost
                                      The soft snow that kisses my nose
And playfully bites my skin while dancing in circles

Then I wouldn’t have to sing the blues
Because I'd still love you

I remember late nights
    Perched up against white stucco wall
       Listening to the radiator talk in tongues
And the crickets sing a symphony

I remember that burn in my throat
     Like creatures with claws climbing down from the bottle
       While you stared back at the room
Watching her dream of childhood memories

I remember I wasn’t her
    And I didn’t have that same transparent skin
      And I couldn’t see what she had dreamt
      


But I could dream, too

I wait for years for the Big Return
  Your head is on the wrong pillow
  My heart is in the wrong box
And I’m waiting for you to come back to bed
                          And tell me the crash is over


The wait feels like a river
And there I go away from my dreams
And common sense

I can’t save myself from the waterfall

It’s hard when I hit the bottom
And I’m soft
Concrete against cloth

You sit pretty
You’re face like stone
Chiseled and aging
But you are the same
The only thing to remain here

I pass you everyday on my stroll
To the market
And I glace in your direction
With hopeful eyes
Hope for mineral to flesh

While you brush past me on streets
In postcards
In my dreams
Scampering by me in hallways
That I’ve dreamt up

And on nights when my room
Feels like a prison
Icy and barren
I sit by your feet and
Gaze at the stars
And wish that one-day
You’ll wake up

I measured the space in between

My room smells like ***, and distant memories

The floorboards feel like quicksand

There’s a strange smell in the air

Is it me?







Or the guilt?

Sometimes I wonder if I think too hard
     Will my head float up into outer space?
Or maybe the ascent won’t be so slow
Instead, swift and reckless
Like a missile
      Like a black hole

Morning my brain is hollow
With little holes in it where sunlight shines through
Making shapes on my walls

At night I’m here
All of me
Against the masses of sleeping faces

People shut off
I turn on

No one’s going to love a man-eater, right?
Even if they have a heart…

Mine’s the size of Jupiter
                            But you gave me Pluto

You seem to have the wrong idea
I have one face but six layers
And each dip you go further into
Black obis and hollow space
No light at the end of the tunnel

    I wrote you a sonnet when I was
    Devoted and committed to the idea of one love
    One single entity to circulate a set of rules
Guidelines
    You’re my marker for each page but
    You’re starting to tear
    And I threw away that ratty glue gun yesterday

Tomorrow is farther down the road
And I am stuck in a congested traffic in
The middle of nowhere
Next to a sign that says Do Not Return: Instant Failure Ahead

I’m staring at the TV
It’s big and white like that ghost inside my head.
There’s no sound
Just hard silence
       I feel like my ears are bleeding
And that little girl inside me in screaming
                                     And my eyes are on fire
                                              And I want to go home.

Hours
         Days
               Weeks
                        Months
How long have I been here?
Where did you put my time?
Don’t take what isn’t yours
It’s mine
Mine
I am the ruler of this land
         Of this tower
                   Of this bench in the park