Are you happier now?
I wonder
I picked up the eye mask next to me
Noticed the polaroids of a woman
With her hand on your stomach
Like you belonged to her
But I awoke to your hands on my body
You cried about your dog
And were so disappointed
When I said
This can't happen again.

Sorry, thankful
Those are the two best words
I can use to describe
The cacophony that was us
I guess I'm glad
You were alone the night I called
You answered right away
Just like you'd been waiting this whole time
I wonder if you thought of her much
While I laid in your bed
And you held my body in your arms
And said how much you missed me
And always would.

A figment of your imagination
You said thats the only way
You can live on
Knowing I exist
Without you
You're proud you had me
You will always be proud you said.

I wandered up your stairs
Remember the morning gloom
Of ice and snow
When you and Enkidu
Slipped and fell
Through the weather
And I was nervous, scared
You were so stressed
But then again
You were always stressed.

Your eyes are so expressive
I tried to forget what they looked like all night
As another man worshipped me
And I remembered
What it was like
To try and be yours.

The pictures and cards were gone
No Enkidu to be found
But her spirit swept up through me
To say its okay girl,
I know you couldn't be here.

I glance through you on social media
To gauge where you are at
At times
I know you will move on before I do
At least by societal terms.

You often criticize but update
Appearing to look like
A we or a gentle
Man.

And thats okay
I'm fine with that
I love my freedom I said
I wonder where you are now
What kind of face you wear today
And in moments I'll day dream
About what you must have been like
In your office that day
Little notes and reminders left behind
Everything cooing who I was then.

But I am different now
Maybe you kind of are too
I don't think there is a second chance to be had here
Though I think of you with more softness now
But I can't be the girl
Who lightly puts her hand on your belly
Like she's proud to be arm candy
Or claim a quiet ownership
And I never was that woman.

Because I'm all my own
I stood alone in the Sedona Desert
Or at the top of the peaks in the Grand Canyon
Drank up my own wisdom and fortitude
I befriend the silence, the uncertainty
That I know slightly tortured you
Though with moist lips we tried to wish it away
So that I could be
Your little bird
Baby doll.

Sorry,
Thankful.

It's been a tough time
I look out into the darkness
At the top of the peak of my
Mountain
Covered in twenty something
Just trying to fight, figure it out
Maybe fight with more gratitude
A little more selflessness.

I close my eyes
Between lines
Wednesday night clamoring on
The speed of sound slipping by
Making plans
The rainy days seems to hold us down
I ache because I wanna be
In the picture perfect
Though I know ain't nothing that way
Of the home you built
On the hearth of what you hold so dear
And I fly in-between takes
Your strong patience
Forever urging me on
And next to you
As I bury myself into my deepest fears
Only to crawl back out
After a long nights sleep
Glad I didn't step and repeat
Into a cave of violence
I've known and breathed in to
So plentiful before.

A slight shimmering sound
Like we all know where we are supposed to stand
But no one does
I watched it all leap from beginning to end
As if it launched out of the screen
Held me by the throat
And said
Good work little one
And as always go on along.

The back of your neck trickles in sweat
When you worry the most
And I often nudge you at night
When you snore
You would write down my meaningless
Sleep filled words
And read them out loud
And lately we try to remember
We keep check on that rhythm
That love
We recognized in each other
Within the first drop of wine.

I remember when
Your back faced me at the bar
I romanticize every ******* thing
But I think you know and love that
And I love that you might love that.

I've trampled through woods and logs
To get to where I stand
And you've rumbled through gravel and goo
To stand in front of me.

If I could nimble by thimble
Carefully piece it all together
So I already knew all the answers I might would
But I'm no math genius
But I sure can kick your *** at checkers
Not chess.

I love you more than anyone.

I'm passing by a grave site
Tomb stone by tomb stone
On the early morning train
The sun has finally chosen to rear its head
Only as if to mock me
With its windy cheerfulness.

Mama and daddy ain't happy
They ain't been happy for quite sometime
The Bible says
And I selfishlessly
Want my picture perfect
Alabama life
To never change.

I take note of every little thing
While remaining a steady gaze
Hidden behind my sunglasses
And I too want to respond
In a rash intrinsic way.

I remember Christmas
We all adults now
Brothers don't really know
Mama and papa just gotta work it out.

I talk into the receiver of the phone
I come home to the man who loves me
But knows not how to hold himself up
And I wonder
Are any of us meant to be together?

I hope so
And in this moment
I wish I could move far away
And never look back
But I already did that.

My hair is soft
A light shines next to me
Pale mint green shirt
The snow drifts into the tides of March
And an anxious irritability
An unsettling feeling of where
I have yet to get myself
The fears I turned over
And ingested into my mind
Like the udon soup I slurped down
Across from my love
His ruddy face that so often brings me joy
But I spend most our moments
Worrying if he even really likes me.

I tip toed on the edge of death
A colossal measurement of photos
Zooming past
As the umbrella at long last
Outstretched before my head
I read into it like one would the crook
Of an elbow or a book
And worry that because
I am this way or that
Or because I was born into
My daddy's hands becoming a lawyer mans
After long childhood years of picking cotton
On and in
To a blanket of wealth.

The door opens
It's time for bed now
After a greeting
Of just what he knows I would like
He is my love
And I am never right
Or he perfect
And nothing is ever all that wrong here
And I'm just learning
To let myself
Be happy.

I don't understand
Why in the misted fleet
Of crickets whistling, humming
I'm petting the back of the white bird
As it crawls underneath my skin
A specimen to behold
Clad in red and black
I stretch my arms out wide
Fostering and seeking to nourish
What is here and what is not
Fighting tooth and nail
To constantly approach every interaction
With a 360 degree point of view
Why it seems to be so difficult for you
To see that I love your loyalty, your faith
But I need to be coddled and reassured at times
Because its just like
What feels like mere seconds ago
Where a hole was left next to my head
Or I was left alone in the middle of the night
Or told in the heat of my sequined dress
Crying all the way
"I ****** up."

I want to be an all around fantastical, amazing
Justice filled woman
I'm fighting to reach her
You hugged me in the most vulnerable of places
But yet I still seem to find myself
Lost in that rabbit hole
Of what I consider a triggering place
And with my detailed or large brush strokes
I try to paint all the ways
To make you see, I just need a little healing
A little extra lovin'
Even when your words
Come from grown experience
But I'm still your baby
I'm still fostering and nourishing
With you
Help me, help you.

Independence
Its a trait I know and hum into so well
Wanna make you happy
Wanna make me happy
Together or separate
I know you got that good coo coo
I know you got that strong lullaby
But help me, help you.

Don't wanna nag
Or slip into dreams
That remind me
Of my face cracked in half
I seldom share
The vivid dreams I have at night
With you
For fear of being misunderstood
Because they are rarely
Positive or good.

Can't you see I'm an immeasurable
Complicated and compassionate woman?
It makes my heart swell
When you do the little, big
Thoughtful acts
I know baby, you mean so well
Wanna give you all that freedom
So that we fly around
And back to one another
Always.

So help me, help you.

With a hooded chalk ridden grin
Piercing eyes and the desire for a constant
Sequen feathered goose
Clad in iconic head to toe pink
(I've gotta find someone to wear this dress)
Female filmmakers we want to be beautiful too
Everybody puts themselves in their own ****
To the point that I sometimes wonder at the productivity
But what.

I am/was an actor too baby
Probably more talented than you.

We want to be recognized for our intelligence, our genius
Wit
Beauty
Everything
We want to be noticed and recognized for everything
And I often surround myself with women
That would rather climb atop my head as if they were a much more fabulous decoration or a hat
But only to exclaim
"No! No!! Never, I want to embellish you. Or add to you"

And sometimes you most certainly ******* do.
But I am so **** wary of these ladies that show up and expect so much and give so little and are not upfront
But take 5 steps back and complain
About not being a good enough
Sparkly enough
Hat
My eyeballs could pop.

I should rest now
And give less of a ****
If only those two went hand in hand.

The skin around my eye sockets ache
A thumping dull thud
On this Christmas Eve
I drink hot chocolate, a glass of red
I wish I felt like I had it all together.

The television rumbles behind me
My boyfriend and I
We line up like soldiers
To try and determine
How to better treat
And be with one another.

Like a worn down page
Near the end of a book
The front cover you first fell in love with
The introduction you might have mistook
But as you read on
You couldn't help but flip and flip again
Drinking and soaking up the red coated ***
Of delicious page to page.

But we discovered today
In the wooded neighborhood
Called McGee Estates
Where I hang my tired hat for a few days
That a transfer of emotions and hard comings
Have come and settled
And with white torched fingertips
Breathed their name into mine.

An awareness, we find it
We discover it with a pail and shovel
I imagine mistletoe must be hanging
Everyone around me gets engaged
Or their videos go viral
And it doesn't make me bitter at all
I just fight to try and live my best life.

A big deep breath
A surrender to the knowledge
That I cannot conquer and own everything there is
Expectations whistle and thistle
Like the Southern whisper of morning dew
As I run rampant
Trying to discover whats new
Whats new.

But whats new is here
And within me as it always has been
That burnt page doesn't have to spiral into embers
Or a lonely attitude

Its Christmas
Its almost Christmas
I feel as though I've aged eons
But this is the hustle
This is the point of no finish line.