i apologize if this makes me seem like
a selfish child, but i am just trying to
get some understanding of the situations
i've found myself in.
it seems like i've never had a father around,
for the majority of my life.
despite the fact that here you are,
with good health and plentiful money to
supply your new wife and children,
and yet i am in the oven?
letting me slow cook, set at an unpleasant
two hundred degrees,
you pour words of distaste and disrespect
into the bowl you've placed me in.
telling me that i've done nothing for you,
despite how much you've done for me.
your lies make me turn inward and cry
silently, as i've learned that trying to talk about it
with you does nothing except give me the reply
"i take no blame for this."
i've figured out that nothing is you fault.
actually, you are the embodiment of perfection,
you have it all.
look at how far you've come in life,
divorced twice, second wife,
new successful children that you didn't have to raise,
a son that is on his way for greater things.
where do i fit into your perfect picture?
problem child, attention seeker,
unsure of how to speak to me, how to teach me
instead you poison the water and watch
me choke.
you must have control of the situation,
the moment your hands slip is the moment
you begin to flail and i understand this
and i forgive you for your deceit.
do i have daddy issues?
yes, i think i do.
i think i have issues with men,
getting close, everything in general.
it's not just his fault, it's not just the fault
of watching parents love crumble
or the verbal abuse of an old lover,
it's how the child reacted.
i was quick to get older,
quick to drink, quick to ****,
as soon as i'm older, everything will be better
but i was wrong and now i'm left to pick up
the clothes, and slowly sneak out of the
strangers bedroom.
careful not to forget the keys,
not to wake the child,
not prepared to handle the tears this early in this morning.
this late in the evening.
he will take no blame for the problems in my life,
i won't even give him the chance to accept blame,
that would be giving him too much
and i want him to have nothing.
no part in my life,
no part of anything.
you told me once you were proud of me,
and the tears i kept in the jar i think i'm
finally ready to pour down the drain.