when I was younger
I just wanted to be Alice
so that when I fell down a hole
there would at least be a purpose,
an adventure
and a story to tell.

I would be famous,
befriend the weird and wonderful
& finally belong.

but I got older
acquainted with the real world
and found myself
in a very different hole;
there is no white rabbit
to tell me where to go
and the monster in my head
will not be slain so simply
and my tears don't allow me
to simply float away.

but the biggest disappointment
(I blame growing up and finding love
and losing hope)
is that there is no end
to this hole of mine.

and I'm falling
& falling
&& falling.

and I'm afraid it's too late
to rewrite my ending.

"A penny for your thoughts"
she said, with a sultry smile
looking at me sideways
as we passed away the miles

The journey that had brought us here
was really quite a ride
ups and downs and storms endured
but promised so much life

I must confess my mind was blank
but stuttered out a reply
I can't remember what I said
but she smiled and stroked my thigh

We continued on our present path
moving through the night
the morning sun looked down on us
as darkness turned to light

the mountain air was bracing
refreshing feeling so divine
descending through the mountain pass
we searched each others eyes

"A penny for your thoughts" you asked
well this is what I say
I can't believe the luck I've had
since our wedding day.

Do you think you know me when you look me in the eye
I've made my mistakes I won't lie
Here is the list of people that I have hurt
While I selfishly crawled through the dirt
I have seen rage in the eyes of my dad
I know I made him angry but worse than that I made him sad
In my mom I have seen a complete loss of trust
All because I wanted to feel that wonderful rush
With my daughter I seen fear while she cried
The pain in her eyes made me wish I had died
I dragged them down the path of hell right beside me
All the time my selfishness made them difficult to see
I thought I was alone as I walked into Hell
But I know now because of me they are here as well
Unlike my lonely decent together we will rise
I will replace the rage and distrust I see in their eyes
I will remove the fear in which my daughter is in slaved
I know now that I can and want to be saved

I wonder if you cried when I wrote "I hate mom" on that piece of notebook paper, when you made me mad for that thing I don't remember.

I wonder if you cried when I told you I didn't want you to come to my birthday party, because big girls didn't need their moms to watch over them.

I wonder if you cried when I yelled at you for trying to keep me away from the girls that used swear words, because you could trust me to know better at my wise age of thirteen.

I wonder if you cried when I replaced the "Mommy-Daughter" days with "Shut the door on your way out" days.

I wonder if you cried when I told you I would never come back when I finally moved out.
I wonder if you cried when I told you that I've smoked  ***.

I wonder if you cried when I hugged you for the first time in over 3 years, without being forced.

I wonder if you cried when I told you I needed you, even if I didn't always act like it.

I wonder if you cried when I told you that you were the person I loved most in the world.

I wonder if you've cried, mom, because I've only ever seen you smile.

There aren't enough
love poems
love songs
pencils
journals
dictionaries
thesauruses
to gather the words of beauty and pain you've caused this
foolish little ***** cuddled beneath my chest..

Silly of me to be silly for you...
only to leave
leave and find comfort in another
while  I was at our home, longing for your affection
thinking of ways to bring the flame back to our connection...

Naïve of me,
but the nerve of you...
You went outside of us
to find you
I bet you're still lost

...but you're human, so maybe you needed that
& I needed for your love to never become selfish

Tell me,
tell me in its entirety why I wasn't enough

Was I not gentle enough with your soul?

Or maybe,
Just maybe I could've stared deeper into your eyes when we made sweet love?

I guess I could've screamed your name louder when you made me squirt passion?

Was 27 hours across this country to get to you not enough dedication?

Was leaving everything and everyone at the drop of your heartbeat not enough sacrifice?

I don't have enough fingers to count the countless times I forgave you...

Love was in the way, so I went out my way countless times to put a smile on your face

It wasn't enough
I wasn't enough
In your eyes, we weren't perfect enough
I did everything that wasn't enough

She was enough

...I wasn't enough of her