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Paula Putnam Jul 2019
As I was slowly walking down the street,  hear nothing but rustling leaves and whistling wind. It is quite quiet tonight, if I don’t say so myself. I begin to walk in the street because the sidewalk comes to an end. I have gotten so use to the route, that even though it is darker tonight, I can still see where I am going and it is easy to navigate along all the curves. I come to the big, old, Cherry Blossom Tree at the end of Saint Monroes Avenue. I hear a soft whisper of a couple teenagers in one of the houses. Then, all of a sudden, I hear a loud crash with screams that followed. I don’t quicken my speed because it is just something that I normally hear whenever I’m walking. A slight breeze whips through no sooner than I paused. I take a moment to just look around and enjoy the peaceful night. An owl hoots high in the tree above me. I look up into the dark night sky that is covered in clouds with the moon shining through. For the first time in a while, it seems to be a full moon. I always keep track of when the full moon appears. It intrigues me just because it is so different. I begin to walk again and I just enjoy the rest of my walk. Finally, I’m at the end of Saint Monroes Street. Approaching another street, I see that it is so much darker than all the others. I don’t pay it any mind because I’m so use to walking in the darkness every single night. More noises crash through the almost silent night. This time it was a little weird. I thought I heard someone whisper my name, but when I turned around, no one was there. I just turned back around and continued on my walk home. I finally make the last turn onto my street. Now it is just a straight path home. My house is completely dark when I arrive. I’m use to nobody being home at all. It’s always been like that. Whenever people ask if they can come over, I have to say no. They would turn me in if they found out I lived all alone in this big house. I never really see my parents anymore. They always disappear every time I arrive back at home. It’s like they hate me, but I have no clue why they would hate me. I guess it is just because I have let them down so much and I’m just a disgrace as a daughter. They truly wanted a son, but ended up with me instead. Of course, I have a younger brother, but I never see him either. They keep him away from me since I’m so different from the whole family. I’ve learned to live with all these responsibilities on my own over the years, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I just wish I knew what I did and how I can fix it. I hear whispers of my name every night as I look around my lonely home. I make me a sandwich and begin on my homework. I absorb myself in my work so I don’t notice how lonely my home really is. I finally finish all of my time absorbing homework and take my plate to the kitchen. I turn off the lights and listen to music so I can fall asleep. I wake up every morning to the same birds chirping their little melody. I take a shower and skip breakfast, like I do every single morning. I walk to the bus stop just to realize that it was Halloween and they let us have the day off of school. I walk back inside and finally realize that I am not alone. I look up to see a teenage boy around my age staring right back at me. I am completely startled as he yells my mother’s name and I looked up to see the beautiful woman looking at me. I am stunned by just how breathtaking she really is. I try to say hello, but I couldn’t even get the simple word out. She looks at me in concern. She must notice the small slits on my arms, but I try to think it was something else that she noticed. She asked if I have gotten smaller and I said yes. I said that I’m not small enough yet and I have to keep pushing myself. She mentioned how I was getting too small. I’m only 130 pounds. That is way too much for me to weigh. The boy that is around my age looks at me confused. I ask who he is and my mother says he is a family friend. Of course, I wouldn’t know him because I’m not really a part of the family anymore. I turn to leave, but he catches my arm. I try to yank away, but his grip is too strong and I stumble into his arms. I push myself away to stand on my own and my mother asks where I am going. I said I’m just going on a walk and she shouldn’t worry about it because she is never around and never cares to talk to me any other time. I walk upstairs to grab my bag and money. I had decorated the whole house in Halloween stuff, because it is really the only thing I can look forward to doing each year. I have no family who really cares, so I do all the traditions and stuff all on my own. I run down the steps and grab my keys off the hanger by the door. My mother and the boy was standing by the door waiting on me to return. I look at them and know that they aren’t going to really leave me alone. I ask what they want and they said just to talk. I told them I didn’t have time and pushed my way through them. As I reach the outside, I begin to cry. I can’t believe that she thought that she could just walk back into my life after all these years. I put up a wall so no one could ever hurt me again. I plan on never letting her back into my life. I’ve grown so use to the feeling of being alone, that I don’t really want to let any of my “family” back into my life. I just remember that I left my cars keys inside the house and have to walk back inside infront of all the people who walked out of my life. I just hope they have left already. I walk inside and that boy comes and meets me at the door. I look at him and just walk past him to the living room. I see not only my mother, but my brother and father, as well as some of their friends sitting in the living room. They all look at me and I awkwardly smile, walk over to my bag, grab my car keys, and turn to leave. As I am leaving, they tell me to sit down and talk for a little while. I say that I can’t and turn to leave again, only to run into the same boy again. This time I say sorry very quietly and leave the room. I make it out the door before any of them was able to make it to me. I get into my car and drive off to my favorite Halloween store in town, Mount Terror. It has all the best costumes, candy, decorations, and anything known to Halloween. I grab a cart and begin to get the candy for tonight. I go and pick out the last part of my costume. I make sure I have some Halloween games and activities for the party throw every single year. I finally make it to check out and load everything into my car. I go by Superfast Supermarket to get all the food that I need for tonight. I finally return home and begin to unload the car. I unlock my house door and walk in with every bag on my arms. I kick off my shoes and throw down my purse, keys, and jacket. I look up to see the boy staring at me again. He comes over and offers to help me carry things, but I say no thanks and walk towards the living room. I see that more of my family’s friends are sitting in the room with them. They all see me with my arms full. I slightly smile and walk through in order to get to the kitchen. I dropped two bags because they ripped. I place everything down in the kitchen and then turn to go pick up everything I dropped when I see the boy had brought it all to me. I walked over to him and helped him. I said thank you and he smiled. I placed everything down and walked back out into the livingroom to the front door. I grabbed my purse and hung it up so it wouldn’t just be laying around. I walked back to the kitchen and began preparing the kitchen for all of the food I had to make. I preheated the oven and began to mix every single dessert that needed to be mixed up and placed them in the pans. I was able to fit four pans in at once, so I could begin the other parts of the cooking. I played my music, so I couldn’t hear what they were talking about in the living room. I could feel the presence of someone in the room staring at me. I turn and notice it was him again. He finally speaks and tells me his name, Dexter. I ask what he wanted from me and he said he just wanted to talk to me for a while. I finally gave in and told him to stay in here and talk for awhile. It lasted for the hours I was in this kitchen, but now I don’t know exactly where I stand in this mess.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
Have you ever just sit and wondered why you are who you are? Do you ever just feel so unimportant that you want to give up then sometimes feel so beautiful and love everything about yourself? I feel these ways everyday. I never think I am good enough to make a happy and healthy life for me out in this world. This world feels like it is beating me down every single day of my torturous life. I feel like my life is out to **** me from the inside to the outside. I can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. There are times when I feel completely happy about myself. I feel loved and protected in a special way. I can’t see why I keep on wavering like this. I love being happy, but if I absolutely had to I would be sad all the time. If it meant making everyone else happy, I would do that. I would do anything to make other people happy. I care too much for other people’s happiness and not enough for my own. I wish I was able to change that trait about myself. I’m not able to make myself happy for even a day completely. Life isn’t easy for someone with such a big heart to be acting cruel and unfair. People with a big heart never get a break in this world. They are always getting hurt the worst when it comes to this place. It treats people who are hurting with the worst conditions than having the easy way out.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
HELP! It won’t leave me alone. It has always been chasing me. I can’t seem to get my head straight. I am a newspaper writer, but I can’t seem to get the story out anymore. I get the words “The children” and then everything goes blank. I begin running from it. A thing in person form that keeps on chasing me down the streets. The streets being my mind and the person as a sort of imagination. It stops me from being myself. It stops me from writing and thinking. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It keeps chasing me deeper down the streets until I am completely lost.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
Pain.
Torment.
Wanting to die.
Never wanting to be alive.
You can't see a good person in your life.
You feel disgusted.
You hate yourself more by the day.
You can't ever be happy because they won't let you.
You are blamed.
You are just a game.
You will never be loved.
Never be free.
You are forever gone.
So say goodbye.
To their precious little game.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
Life is not always what it may seem. It throws difficult situations at you when you are having a hard time already. The broken glass, quotes, blood, tears, and all the pain represents different ways I feel about life. The broken glass can mean many different things. It could mean lost hope, broken family, losing yourself, and even when you feel broken yourself. These do honestly apply to me. Lost hope is bease so many people through out my life has caused this. Now I feel like I can't even have hope. With the broken family, it is because I have lost so many members of it. Then others just leave me. Losing yourself is basically not knowing who you are. Even when you feel broken, you don't known where you stand anymore. All these have many different purpose's in life. It's like you made a wrong turn and now you're trying to find your way back. Where do I begin with the quotes? They all have their own meaning, because, in all honesty, pain changes people. Life never gives you time to sit and think. Maybe you don't know your place in this world and feel broken. Maybe you're happy. Either way, something bad has or will happen to you sooner or later. That's just how life works. The quotes to me mean something really special and important to me. They are what help me through my feelings. I have a hard time speaking my feelings, but when I write I can express them. That is why I chose the quotes. Blood, you would honestly ask what that would mean, right? You could take it in many different ways. Indeed, some people find it gross, but not me. Blood could mean a horrible memory or if you ever felt like you wanted to die. Horrible memory is like losing a family member. Wanting to die is like cutting yourself to feel relieved. It's true, people who have this pain never show it. It's a way they feel about life. Turn to yourself and ask if you ever wanted to commit self-harm. Some would say yes, some would say no. Which side are you on? It's a lot to process when you have just been asked if you ever tried to harm yourself and I know talking doesn't help. If you sit and wonder "Why me?" Well, this world is cruel and it punishes the good. Some of the self-harm comes from being bullied. Would you want anyone you care about do this to you? Most of the time the answer is no, but sometimes it's yes. Okay, so the tears always are somewhere inside of you. Most people hide them. Someone who is hurt can hide them and only another hurt can tell. Some people put on fake smiles, but their eyes can give them away. Some tears are meant to fall, some, on the other hand, are not. If you hold in the tears become worse inside. You may not know your place in this world, but you are among many others who may think they do. As for me, I defiantly don't know my place in this world. We're human, we are made for mistakes. Many talk about the future, but have you ever talked about your present? You get forced to determine your life before the time has come. We just need a time pause to think about how we feel about ourselves. What we feel inside. It won't go away through time. Some hope, some don't. This world is cruel and twisted with new surprises at every wrong corner. Just think, do I really feel useless and broken, or hiding in the shadows? Or do I feel happy and want to enjoy this place?
This was for a project.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
Broken down into flames.
Far away from all the cruel games.
Never to be restored.
Never to be found.
Forever more.
Paula Putnam Jul 2019
Lost upon the long waves.
Waiting for that long awaited day.
To be found and back to life.
To see it crumble back before your eyes.
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