We all talk about safe places, but I don't really know if that's completely possible. I think I found a place for me to be calm and able to cry with no one always coming around, maybe just a walker or two. But it's not like they come all the time. It's a quite peaceful place, but don't know if I would call it a safe place to go. I never really understood what people meant by safe place to go. How you are supposed to have one in your home. Sometimes, when people use the word safe, it could be completely dangerous. I don't completely understand, which is kinda bad for me. I feel like I should know where that place is. The images that is put into my head isn't always the best. I've gotten use to every death thought that I get. I would love to be normal again. When I was a kid, it was never this hard. Yes, I know my dad was away alot, but I got use to it. I cried everytime he left though. Back then was so much easier. Nothing was wrong. I felt like I belonged. I wasn't broken. I was so happy and now I'm just wondering why all that happiness is gone. It gets harder to bring it back each time. I'm able to laugh and smile and act like I feel amazing, but on the inside I feel like I'm caving in. Some nights I can't even move and on others I'm too motivated. Lately, I haven't been motivated to move. I caved into my darkness. It wants me to completely break, but I try to hang on. I have to wear long sleeves in the summer now. Not because I'm cold, but from where I've been letting go and almost giving up. The first time I used a blade, I couldn't feel a thing. All I know is that I was finally in peace. I have so many broken pieces, that I don't know if I want them fixed. The nights is what hits me the most. They make me feel this aloneness that is hopeless to get out of. Ever since the medicine I took, the nights got worse to bear. I don't even want to hang on to life anymore. I feel useless to this world and to God himself. There are some days in church when I got chills, but it seems like it was all in my head. Like a body function that happens only when you're nervous. I question why I even was brought into this world. Some days when people give me hugs, the only reason why I go away is because I don't want to cry. That's actually most the time. I wish I was able to actually cry and let everything out, but in the end I feel so much worse. I feel bad for putting everything on everyone else. If I ever had a support system, I lost it. I didn't want to hurt more people. Everyone I talk to, I feel like I hurt them. There is reasons for everything I do now. The reason I don't eat is because I hate the way I look. I wish I was able to be a normal teen again. I haven't been myself in forever. I don't feel like I deserve to be fixed anymore. The world didn't break me, I broke myself. I deserve to be broken. I actually deserve worse than that. I deserved so many more cuts than I have on my wrist. Certain things can only help so much. Walking is starting to not help anymore. It cleared my mind some, just the numbness is becoming more powerful by the day. My thoughts become blurry. I can't think straight that much anymore. I still have to chose my words carefully. It's hard to write sometimes. Distractions happen in my mind and outside my mind. I barely am able to write at home, because everyone walks into the room. The only time I've been able to write, besides for now, was at the church in the nursery. Yes, Jenna ran in sometimes and others came in, including you, but those were people I felt safe to write in front of and none of you would ask what I was writing. I've mainly wrote in cursive lately because this person in my house was watching me as I wrote and I closed the book on him. Luckily, he can't read cursive well. It's really the only way I can write in my house. I'm able to let go to music you suggested to me. It's really the only time I have listened to Christian music this much. It's what has broke me every night lately. It's why I broke last night. It's completely different when your family is religious, but doesn't really care what you are. They like us to believe, but we don't have to. We have been free to make that decision. I'm sure you would be the same way, but the way it is for me is different. I feel like I actually have to believe. It doesn't really feel like I have the choice, when I really do. Many people tried to force me to be religious.
Accidentally deleted.