he kissed me in soft spots I didn’t know I had
angrily telling me he loved me
like it wasn’t written on every lean
curve of a smile, or touch

and he allowed me space to snap
to cry and mourn who I was
I could come overstimulated, tired and angry
but he’d slide a couple cookies my way
and tell me it was okay

cause everything really was okay

and I could tell the difference between his ‘i need space’ sigh and his ‘i need laughter’ sigh.
or just know when he needed to talk it through
over my head, around the table, and down on many, many sticky notes

Because he’d seen me on my best days and some of my worst nights
embracing all the pieces that add up to me
with an overflowing backpack
glasses adjustment
and clearing of throat

ready to love me in all the ways I didn’t know
quite existed

would you do it with me?
figuring out paint swatches for our first office
finding the mouse we’re sure didn’t slip past us
hiding the christmas presents and taking the first sip of milk
dancing around telling our parents
and hearing you say my name
would you hold my hand through it all
in the sunshine and pouring rain
would you learn every new phase
The shape of our daughters face
would you do it with me?
over and over again.

he saw me
7 years later
with natural curls
some uneven tan lines
and a smile that finally fit

we did not exchange words
but a little look
a glance of acknowledgement

his smile was the same
the same hollow around his eyes
just a new ring on his finger

and that little look
had us acknowledging both of us survived
but only one seemed to thrive

you missed out on the me who wears her heart on her sleeve
intentionally bare
Wrapping it in the fabrics of my sweater
so that it may stay there
you missed my sighs of pain
finding that healing is not one avenue
but literal blood sweat and tears
filling the cracks of the same stretch of miles
so there could be more space within me
you missed out on the best parts of me now
knowing why I love the crashes of waves and the whispers of surrender
but you once held the parts of me
that jumped unafraid, unknowing and mostly alone
but finally
Finally
she has been laid to rest.

maybe it was the pulling out my chair
or reaching out with a cookie in the middle of overstimulation
leaning into each other
like we have secrets only we can hear
to be loved
is to be known
and you’ve known me all my life

I could just as easily
see you with your hands around my waist
as you kept me company
while i made drinks for our friends
and i triple checked my math
and you took the one
I wasn’t sure about
and said it was lovely
because
you love me
as i laugh
and we both play pretend
and i’m making
what i will come to call, the—-

it was so wrong for so many reasons
digging our graves side by side
pretending like we were just making sandcastles
like they were the houses of our dreams
unaware
but really unwilling
to get out of the holes we dug ourselves
as the tide came in
because if we stood still
long enough
maybe the tide wouldn’t destroy it
this time
like all the times before