I cannot fathom
why that pretty song lasted so much longer
when I was so exhausted
I could hear my bones groan.
Yet that sad poem ended so much quicker
when it was about you.
One sang me to sleep.
One lead me to nightmares.

Staring at swaying trees
Gazing at invisible leaves
Understanding what everyone conceives
Wondering what and why they believe

Slowly following all the clouds
Birds flying along in crowds
Observing how all align aloud
Step back kneel and bow

I think, perhaps, that I
may have been born for a different time
Maybe my soul rested too early
On an infant never meant to be me.
I look around, and it seems so strange,
People dig for shallow ore; I seek a deeper vein-
but those who skim the surface are rewarded
It seems like all my hopes are thwarted
by our reality, such a subtle thing,
that defines who we are by how we gleam
with gold and glitter, all so transient-
I think friends and memories are more significant
Everyone calls accepting this reality "growing older"
So you become less of yourself? Get lost in folders
and numbers and binders and paper; and days
are slipping by, as you're getting paid
For what? To own a house you never see?
Drive a nice car to a place you hate to be?
NO.
No, I say, this is a better solution:
NEVER. GROW. UP. That's my resolution.
****. Fight. Dream. While you're still young, retire.
Throw all your junk out and set it on fire.
Move to a place that you've never been.
Make friends, fall in love, and then do it again.
Never get settled; never set down your roots;
always try the new, and I tell you the truth-
You'll find you live richly with far less wealth,
and your life will have meaning-one you gave it yourself.

I woke up and reality came crashing down at the speed light.
I didn’t want to open my eyes.
I didn’t want to smell the air.
I didn’t want to stretch my arms as a welcoming gesture towards this new day.
I didn’t want to get up, out of bed, and touch the freezing floor that would immediately tell me to forget about everything I had just seen, witnessed, experienced.
I didn’t want to forget.
I wanted to remember every single scene that played in my head to continue dancing around in my mind.
People I encountered.
Odors I smelled.
Places I saw.
Every single detail that made that world unbelievably amazing.
Every interaction.
So, I tossed and turned.
And I flipped to one side, then flipped to the other.
Put my hands over my eyes.
Shut the sunlight out completely…
And thought of you.
You were there.
Arriving so quickly as if you were coming to rescue me from the depths of my despair.
But you were so god dam far away.
I couldn’t bring myself to bear this.
I could see you, but were you really there?
I could hear you, but were you really speaking to me?
You kept calling my name.
And you were saying something I didn’t quite understand.
Or maybe you were saying something I just didn’t want to hear.
I heard it over and over, nonstop.
So I opened y eyes.
And I took a deep breath, exhaling the glorious memory that seemed to be hanging on to my soul.
I spent the rest of the day trying to re-live and re-experience everything I’s seen before.
Every step of it. I went over and over it so that and I wouldn’t miss a thing thinking that come night time I’d have everything completely clear (stored) and in place.
That when my head hit the pillow, I’d simply close my eyes and you would exist again.
Be there once again.
Return to me.
[Time]
I gave up.
I caved.
What else was I supposed to do?
I was hanging unto miserable pain that turned into beauty every time I remembered your eyes.
I imagine this kind of torture can only be physically endured by few people.
Painful because it became self inflicted.
Beautiful because you remained just as I’d seen you that very first time.
This reassured me you hadn’t changed.
But I still couldn’t see you like I did before.
Maybe I was the one that changed.
Was my mind looking for something different than what my heart had seen before?
I sat down on a desk.
Pen and paper in hand,
Thinking that somehow I could put these haunting thoughts into words.
And that these words would eventually become actions*
Time passed.
Things changed.
But this always happens.
Everything around me was so quiet.
The silence was deafening.
I could hear you, finally.
I was solaced.
It was a humbling feeling to hear your voice.
Thought I wouldn’t live to see the day you’d come back.
I thought you’d be gone forever.
We are drained by the love we choose to give into.

-Daisy Polanco

I am thinking of the words I spoke, two simple words, "I would"
And how they changed the nature of our relationship
I never planned to tell you that I would, if you let me
In some parallel universe we are together

Under God we are not, you and I are aggregates
Of a whole compartment, known as the heart
There are moments, on rare occasions in the winter
When I regret the conversations we have had

I compose inside my head a simple thought or idea
That I 'think' is rooted from who you have shown me how to be
But the lover I hold now is quite the opposite of you
Sometimes I wonder if that is why I chose him

I want to escape you, go in the opposite direction of everything you are
Because I clung to you during the darkest time of my life
These words I type do not rhyme, do not hold a special pattern
But they hold the honest truth of what I would call my essence

I thought it was beautiful that you never showed your anger
Even when your parents threw you out on the street
So I learned to live at peace with myself in a world full of hatred
It seems no one else can understand this concept but us

There it goes again, that word, 'us'
We are not a pair, we are separate parts
But I am afraid I will never let go of those words, 'I would'
Does that perhaps translate my apprehension of the truth?

I am with someone else, and you occasionally make love to your ex-lover
Whom I would not be surprised if you ended up together with again
But I often jar the contemplation of that lateral cosmos
Where I wake up to you dawn after dawn

The internet sleeps alone tonight
Its dreams of *** and violence
Are interrupted by reality

And when they wonder why there’s no love
When they give no love
I can only shrug

Because you get what you give
And then some
Life cannot be won

We all suffer
But you choose to hurt others  
With no remorse

But they will get by
And you’re the villain
With no one

But you keep going
Because you revel in hate
It’s the only thing you have left
To gain from

I hope you find love
Because that is the only thing
that we all deserve
but cannot force

I hope you find love
Because you've hurt so many
And don’t feel guilty  

But they will get by
And you’re the villain  
With no one

No one.

The memories are pinned to dry in the dark room
Chemical droplets falling on my tongue
The bruises form on my body
Giant purple nebula that twist and take on
New forms and shades
A dull pain that aches when alone
A beast chained and locked away
I swallow the key
He will find it
And he will be free
His claws reverberate as he crawls along the ancient stone floors
His moans and growls echo in the darkest reaches
Beneath the smile
Beneath the polite gestures
Beneath the polished fake surface coat

there’s a heart
grown heavy
laying in bed
trying to wake
up

453 times he’s said
to himself
“wake up”
but it’s only putting
him back to sleep,
a hypnosis
untended
or fate that cannot
be escaped?

wake up he says for
the 454th time
but his eyes stay shut
and he can hear birds
chirping their bird songs
outside of his
window

he can feel the weight
of his existence:
each social expectation,
each biological demand,
just another pound on
his shoulders
but
he’s been down
on the ground for a while
now

the heavy heart
prays to be
emptied

wake up, he says,
and counts 455
wake up, he says,
and counts 456
wake up he says
and counts 457
wake up, he says,
and counts 458
wake up, he says,
and goes back to
sleep

See the stars
See the sky
See the moon
In all its light

See your breath
Steaming out
See what life is
so about

Millions twinkle
Yet out of reach
Stars in heavens
God's retreat

Try to grab one
Haul it in
Stars from out there
Lights within

Shapes that twinkle
Signs of life
Beams of sunlight
In the night

What's so funny
Hear you say
Starlight's been there
Ever a day

Parents parents
Parents too
Seen them stars
Just like you

That's their secret
From above
They have seen the
All of us

Think that thought
For just one mo
Now you know now
Nature's glow