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Caitlin Dewicki Jan 2018
Everyday I sit and I stay.
You leave when it's dark.
"Be a good boy." You tell me as you go.
Oh yes, just you wait.
I will show you I can be a good boy.
While you're gone, I look out the window.
It's bright out now.
The man with the bag of letters came.
Don't worry, I barked at him.
Everything is safe.
Across the street, the small fluffy creatures stare at me.
It's okay, I keep my eyes on them in case they try anything.
Most days you return when it's dark again.
I sit, I stay, and I wait and I wait and I wait.
You don't come though.
Where are you?
I wait and wait....
Just like a good boy would.
Light and dark have passed many times.
My food bowl is empty.
When will you come home?
I miss you
It's slowly getting cold.
I wish you were here to wrap your warm arms around me.
I've been a good boy.
I promise.
Are you mad at me...?

Please, come home.
What does it mean

To be a Mommy, a Mom, or a Mother?

A Mommy…carries you for nine months.
Her feet swell and she can’t sleep well.
She sings to her belly waiting for her miracle to come.
She rushes to the hospital, staying strong but scared all at once.
She lets your older sister hold you before she even does because your sister was so excited to finally have a little girl in the family.
She spends sleepless nights trying to persuade you to close your eyes.
She sings “You are My Sunshine,” “Once upon a Dream,” and “An Irish Lullaby” as you drift off to sleep with her comforting voice.
She cradles you in her arms, hoping the tight blanket wrapped around your tiny body will prevent you from growing up too soon.
She lets your hand go as you take your first steps, the little bells on your shoes jingling away.
She watches your bright eyes discover the dark world she was afraid to bring you into.
She teaches you everything she knows.
How to be kind, how to tie your shoes, how to apologize, and mean it.
She sits on the edge of the bed reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and rewinds Mulan for the hundredth time that day.
She showers you with love and you don’t realize how lucky you are.
She holds your tiny hand in hers as she shows you what life has to offer.

A Mom…helps you with all the school projects you bring home, and let’s be honest, she does it all for you.
She picks you up from school every day, an hour after school was out. The teachers started to become accustom to this routine.
She makes dinner for you every night. You never went to bed hungry.
She asks you to pick up your toys and to not leave them laying around the house.
She scolds you for constantly picking on your little siblings.
She jams out to Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Eminem in her big red van with the windows rolled down on a warm summer day.
You stay up until the sun rises the next day watching whatever came on TV because you’re both night owls.
She makes you a pink heart shaped cake every year for your birthday decorated with your favorite princess figurines.
She reminds you when you get on her nerves that she gave you your life, and she can take it away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, blow drying your hair, while you doze off from the warmth and security of her love.
You look at her and know she is the woman you want to be one day, so you live each day with the kindness and compassion she bestowed upon you.
She is quiet but you’re too young to think anything of it besides being soft spoken and modeling yourself after her.

A Mother…reminds you to finish your homework before you watch TV.
She sits in the passenger seat, telling you every five seconds to “slow down” or “don’t get too close”.
She gets mad when you don’t help out around the house as much as you used to.
She says you spend too much time with your friends.
She’s waves proudly from the crowd as you walk across the stage, accepting your diploma.
She tells you, “Why don’t you pay for it? You have a job.”
She says you spend too much time with your boyfriend.
She tells you that you don’t need all that makeup to look pretty.
She asks you where you’re going but you just want to be independent.
She feels like her little girl is slipping away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, but this time you’re all grown.
You’ve been hurt badly. A cut so deep you think it won’t ever heal
You’ve been crying for days because a boy broke your heart.
You’re confused and lost. You feel like you could never be happy again.
She sits on the edge of the bed.
She listens as you sob, asking yourself what you ever did to deserve such cruelty, all the while still hoping he’ll take you back.
Then she tells you
About the boy that broke her heart.
How she thought that was the end for her. She didn’t want to go on after he left.
And then you realize that your mom is human.
She isn’t superwoman, a princess, or an angel.
No.
She’s you.
Because everything she’s experienced, she’s survived, and it made her the woman she is today. Faults and all.
And she raised you to be like her.
She raised you to realize that sorry little boys don’t deserve the time you give them.
She raised you to be strong, honest, loyal, and most importantly, kind.
And after that night, you never loved your mother more than you do now.
Because she’***** rock bottom, but survived.
And you now see the courageous woman that she is.
And one day, when you’re sitting on the edge of the bed singing to your daughter, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please. Don’t take my sunshine away.” You realize that the sunshine doesn’t last forever, but it always comes back after the dark nights.

And after that dark night, the sun rose.
And you gave your mother a hug.
A real hug.
One like that little girl who called her mommy would give her.
Because you never want to lose your sunshine.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

Love,
Ashley
Caitlin Dewicki Apr 2016
Right now my eyes see an outlet.
I don't know if my brain will let me through it.
My demons pull me back.
I can't see what's in front of me, it's pitch black.
But that one little light of hope,
Is the only thing that helps me cope
With the evil thoughts that are present in my brain,
And the black that runs through my vain.
Through your highest high
and your lowest low,
just remember the waves ebb and flow.
Be humble.
Be hopeful.
You said this was a break. I should’ve know you were always a fake.
Taking advantage of me because with you is the only place I wanted to be.
Now you don’t even glace my way, and I die a little more each day.
What did I do to deserve this? I wish I knew that that was our last kiss.
But you knew; you know it all. But you keep it all from me, building up your wall.

Why do I keep writing bad poems about you when I just want to rid your tainted memory from my dizzy head?

So now I’m trying to be me, to move on from these memories.
I’ll take what I have learned and your love that I yearned
To make a life that I can call my own, without you I would have never grown
Into this person that I am today, so there’s just one more thing I’d like to say.

I gave you my heart, and you tore it apart.
So now when you look my way, I’ll have nothing to say
Other than that I hope one day you are happy, but that you’ll never forget me.
You’ll carry what you did to me everywhere you go, because you never made someone feel that low.
I will always think of the mistakes you made, so the traces of your touch will never fade.
Caitlin Dewicki Mar 2016
Take all your emotions and throw them away,
try to keep your feelings at bay.
I know you never want to feel this way,
one day I promise you...I'll make him pay.
Please don't let your mind stray,
I know your emotions have gone down this dark alleyway.
You feel like that day was your doomsday,
I wish I could tie him to a ******* railway.
And maybe even push him down a stairway...
I'm sorry that he made you feel this way,
please just take the thought of him put it on a fishing line and castaway.
Darling don't pay attention to what people say,
because his time will come on judgement day.
So just wait because this rainy day
will pass and the sun will rise making it feel like Friday,
and all the feelings that you feel today
will be better than the ones you felt yesterday.
Caitlin Dewicki Mar 2016
That day is almost here,
I can feel that your presence is near.
I don't think I'm over it yet,
Sometimes your memory can be like a cigarette.
It helps me when I need to calm down, but it's addicting and too much of it can **** me.
Living life without you is something I couldn't foresee.
     That day is here and now.
I will never forget you, that is my vow.
Everyone misses you.
Some of us are having trouble pulling through.
I wish I wasn't one of them,
But I think this is one thing I can never overcome.
I still remember that day.
I sat there as I watched everyone's eyes turn grey
From all the crying that was done.
The scene showed that you were our most beloved one.
I hate how I didn't get much time.
It was like a crime
The way God took you from me.
I guess this is just how it's supposed to be.
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