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caffeine mermaid Dec 2013
a girl with no heart
built one from fallen leaves
and broken branches
so she could love the boy
who loved her
more than anything
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
the smell of my hands after a cigarette
brings me back to my childhood
when my mom would hold my hand
her palms warm and strong
and the scent of her american spirits would cling to my hands
and stay long after she had let go
caffeine mermaid Nov 2014
as i watched you drown i remember the sound
of your muffled cries, but you had to taste the lies
you had spun thousands of webs,
i could no longer hold creditability
for the words that flew around my head
you had hit me with an uppercut to the jaw
for the flaws you had made a point to highlight
didn't exist to anyone else other than yourself

so put your insecurities to rest
and inhale this water into your lungs
let them over flow & burst
yes darling, death does hurt
but when were all living to die
its understandable why you'd want to give up trying

let my lullaby swoon satan,
i would even dance with him, for you

as i watched you drown i remember the sound*
of your mom pounding on the door
such a shame you refused to explore life longer

pray god wont be upset with me,
for every second your head was held underneath the water,
by my hand

i felt stronger
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
the butterflies I thought had died
built cocoons within my stomach cavity
shielding themselves from the heart break
that had followed shortly after
the words "we're over" left your lips

Your eyes, always heavy with worry
accompanied by a hint of loneliness
pierced through my every attempt to shut you out
but when I refused to feel the warmth of your embrace
you grew tired of sowing the rips I had tore in your heart
and you left me to fend for myself in an unfamiliar crowd

A once colorful and vibrant bouquet of flowers
now sat on a rickety coffee table immersed in murky water
the petals, withered and discolored lay in a pile in front of the vase
I had saved them, regardless of their bad condition
because it was all I had left of you

the butterflies stay nestled in their cocoons
while your eyes lock with another girl's
we had ran out of thread, so my heart still remains in pieces
a project you never cared to finish
and now your embrace is felt by another
and the flowers have begun to grow mold
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
like a coffee stain on a white t-shirt
your existence left a smudge on my heart
The desolate cavity in my chest overflowed with joyous melodies when you were in close proximity
All my thoughts were consumed by images of you
and I was never happier
But then you left
so I locked myself in a dark room and forced all images of you out of my head
But like bare feet on wet sand you left an imprint on my soul
caffeine mermaid Dec 2013
i let you inside of my mind in my darkest hour, you planted seeds and from my nightmares grew flowers. you took the key to my heart and jingled it just out of reach, as i tried to ****** it you laughed and it was then i realized i was never getting that key back because you'd have my heart forever, and i was completely content with that.
caffeine mermaid May 2014
an un lit cigarette dangled from her lips
even the slightest breeze would blow it away

she brought fire between her cupped hands
inhale, exhale
relaxation settling in

She had spent her entire life trying to find what she was missing
Always curious what shade of green lied on the other side
Never satisfied with anything less than what her daddy promised

Her only true goal had been to locate her inner peace
to be one with whatever purpose she was sent to fulfill

Hours of meditation and countless attempts to achieve out of body experiences, in hope that the light would illuminate and the spark inside of her would be aflame with knowledge

still, no answer
only empty shot glasses, and ashtrays full of roaches
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
sitting on this soggy pile of leaves, that fell from my favorite tree
my mind was stuck on repeat, playing your voice over and over
I memorized every inch of your face and stored it in my head as a keepsake
and now it was the only image I could see when I closed my eyes
you need to come back to my bed
because ever since you left, I can't get you out of my head
lying next to me, hushed tones and legs tangled
our lips lightly pressed together
a moment i wish could have lasted forever
I long for you to be by my side
right next to me on every stride
honestly I never thought this would happen
but now i've gone and fallen for you
and i can only hope that you have fallen too
caffeine mermaid Jun 2015
these waters are as frigid as the frozen tundra
my finger tips have gone numb and had begun to turn purple
shivering underneath the arctic ice,
I could not speak, I could not breathe,
out of control with time quickly running out
I had to make a choice

fall in love with you
or die out here in these polar conditions

for you see, I could not decide which would be more scary

but there you were only a few feet away reaching for me

no matter how many times I had thrown myself in harms way, you were always there to help me pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together

if I take your hand, I give you the opportunity to **** me way worse than these frozen waters could

I could float right here in this very spot,
until my heart stopped
knocked unconscious and dream of you, paint a beautiful picture of us inside my eyelids

or I could take your hand and live in reality

I couldn't feel you until I was out of the water, and wrapped in a hug,

in your arms I felt your warmth surround me as if our auras had blended together to create a double rainbow of chakras perfectly aligned

in your embrace I was confident I had made the right choice
nestled closely underneath your chin, I managed to crack and smile with my blue-gray lips

I would be fine, as long as I had you

*don't wade in the frozen waters, go on and take their hand
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
as the waves greet the shore
they have the pleasure of kissing your feet
your heels stick to the sand as you walk
leaving behind an imprint with every step
the sun is now setting
and you are alone
tears stream down your face
you've never felt so cold
the copious amounts of clothing
could never raise your temperature
like his fingers caressing your skin once did
He was gone
and there was no reviving what you had
All the chances had been taken
and all the candles had been blown out
He was gone
caffeine mermaid Feb 2015
lost,

left behind my loving tendencies
and traded them for substance abuse
for a pill would never lay it's hand on me
or slander me in front of my friends

it acted as a pillow
a cushion upon which i became too reliant

- how many times do you have to be pushed down before you finally say i've had enough -

where is the breaking point?
if someone pushed you off a cliff, but didn't mean it, would you just climb back to the top & have no hard feelings?

when do you speak up?





once it's too late?
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
razor blades between teeth, words cut deep into your ego
image the surprise when the skin broke and your hateful words bled out
a puddle of uneducated assumptions and misread actions on the floor
an adult she had seemed to be, but on the inside the little girl had never died, only her teddy bear and crayons had been traded in for knives and a bottle of pills
now she recites the bed time stories she heard as a child onto her wrists
and the sound of her blood hitting the floor, had become her lullaby
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
I still reach for you even though you left awhile ago
I still do the cute things you used to point out but you're not here to see
sometimes I pretend you're still with me
and that we're still us
but what a fool I am
for putting my trust into a fantasy that no longer
has a chance to bloom
now my clear blue skies
have been taken up by rain clouds
and ever since you left
the rain won't stop pouring
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
emotionless and numb
yet i could still feel your tongue
when it became entwined with mine

tired and worn
i begged you to go
but you kept your grip on me

scarred and barely breathing
i had become your whole world
dragging you down alongside with me

twisted and burned
there was no return
we had fallen much too deep

daddy's little girl turned prescription pill princess
and had no intentions of coming down
head in the clouds,
i had become beyond the point of numb

hopeless and ungrateful
but you finally left me
once i had hit rock bottom

destructive and ambitious
i brought a sledge hammer to our existence
and because you left
it's all up to me to pick up the pieces now
caffeine mermaid Mar 2014
revolting youth with elevated minds
on a quest to find their true purpose
calm composures and steady hands
unaware that their palms were full of clay
that they had the power to shape who they'd become
with the ignorant assumption that time was on their side
they rode into the sunset careless and misguided
broken hearts, pieces scattered amongst the tears left behind
a generation consumed by their appearance
at war with themselves for
cigarettes burn between the ******* needed to make peace
the adoption of patience will help shape the clay
that weighs heavy in the hands
of a revolting youth
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
countless stars had been wished upon for a love such as this one
and i remember feeling so lucky to have found someone like you
we were young, but that didn't falter our admiration
you had a firm grip on my hand and an even firmer grip on my heart


i had been blinded by the satisfaction felt
when our bare skin met under covers, eyes locked, heart rhythms colliding
your hot breath against the crook in my neck, palms clinging to bed sheets
I had gotten lost in it all, addicted to the spark
felt only when my naked body rubbed against your linen sheets
we were young, and were convinced we knew what we were doing
but when the waters got rough, you jumped ship and left me for dead
and ever since you left everything seems to have fallen apart
though I have finally become content with your absence
it seems i will never be able to escape the memories we created
caffeine mermaid Dec 2013
can we sit atop unexplored mountain peaks and look out onto the landscape beneath us, holding each other and laughing as we exhale our problems into the atmosphere, letting them drift away with the wind.
caffeine mermaid Dec 2013
isn't it interesting how the ocean eventually convinces the rocks to turn to dust?
or that with every drag of a cigarette, it eventually turns your lungs black
i just wish you could convince me to fall in love with you
but like the rocks turning into dust or your lungs turning black
falling in love takes time
and time is all we got
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
across the oceans surface
my hopes float amongst the waves
lapping against the shore with a violent rhythm
the tide growing angrier with every retraction
desperation making the water cold
reaching hypothermic temperatures
eventually,
my aspirations and everything I have ever known
will sink to the bottom
where they will remain
along with the promises you broke
and all the words I never got to say
caffeine mermaid Feb 2015
2003
sitting on the bank of the river
eyes closed, the sound of the rapids
muffling the sniffles of a lonely little girl
caffeine mermaid Feb 2014
As the tree branches became bare and the air grew colder, my affection for you withered. Just as the flowers had done under the heavy blanket of winter's first snow fall.
No longer was my mind consumed with prospective dreams of you and i, but instead clouded by narcissistic thoughts.
You couldn't understand how it was possible for me to become increasingly distant over such a short period of time. It had become apparent our relationship began to lack the magic we had strived on for months.
A once colorful canvas had now been layered with jesso, the colors underneath barely visible, faded.
The flame on the candle burned all the way down to the end of the wick and all that was left was a puddle of hot wax. We had been so good for so long, and now in a matter of hours the fire had gone out and all that was left to do was wade in the pool of memories.
Then summer came, and we were right back at it.
Long walks on the beach, barefoot as you carried my sandals in your hands.
coy smirks and playful laughter was exchanged
along with over used inside jokes and flirtatious fighting
but deep down we both knew we were not the same as we were at the start
you were well aware of my fragile state
because my scars had now been put on display due to the season changes and lack of clothing
you vowed you would never stop caring or trying to help
but one afternoon when I was at my lowest
I swallowed down some pills along with the words I should have said to you
I became delusional
my palms itchy and sweaty, and my words had begun to slur
my eyes rolled back into my skull, and i fell into your arms
my cheeks wet with your tears, as my body laid motionless on your lap
no words were exchanged, only cries for ambulances and violent shaking
"I'm sorry" was all i could mumble
I don't think you even heard me that day
even if you had, I wasn't saying sorry to you
I was apologizing to myself for trying to end my life because i was too afraid to end it with you
things changed after that day, and we began to spiral even further downward
you bestowed guilt on me for what I did that day
constantly lecturing me on how it would have negatively impacted your life
you had such blatant disregard for how I was feeling
you never even stopped to ask why it had gotten to this point
and it was because in every way possible we had fallen apart.
and I had so badly wanted to piece it back together, but we were far past repair
When the words "I love you" were exchanged the attachment had been broken on my end
The devastation would come in waves, the rip tide growing stronger each time it retracted back to it's origin.
I wasn't sure how to end it at first, or what would be the best way. What I did know was that I couldn't go on like this much longer.
After various whimpered phone calls and hours of listening to your faulty compromises you thought would appeal to my needs, we ended.

— The End —