these waters are as frigid as the frozen tundra
my finger tips have gone numb and had begun to turn purple
shivering underneath the arctic ice,
I could not speak, I could not breathe,
out of control with time quickly running out
I had to make a choice

fall in love with you
or die out here in these polar conditions

for you see, I could not decide which would be more scary

but there you were only a few feet away reaching for me

no matter how many times I had thrown myself in harms way, you were always there to help me pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together

if I take your hand, I give you the opportunity to **** me way worse than these frozen waters could

I could float right here in this very spot,
until my heart stopped
knocked unconscious and dream of you, paint a beautiful picture of us inside my eyelids

or I could take your hand and live in reality

I couldn't feel you until I was out of the water, and wrapped in a hug,

in your arms I felt your warmth surround me as if our auras had blended together to create a double rainbow of chakras perfectly aligned

in your embrace I was confident I had made the right choice
nestled closely underneath your chin, I managed to crack and smile with my blue-gray lips

I would be fine, as long as I had you

*don't wade in the frozen waters, go on and take their hand

lost,

left behind my loving tendencies
and traded them for substance abuse
for a pill would never lay it's hand on me
or slander me in front of my friends

it acted as a pillow
a cushion upon which i became too reliant

- how many times do you have to be pushed down before you finally say i've had enough -

where is the breaking point?
if someone pushed you off a cliff, but didn't mean it, would you just climb back to the top & have no hard feelings?

when do you speak up?





once it's too late?

2003
sitting on the bank of the river
eyes closed, the sound of the rapids
muffling the sniffles of a lonely little girl

as i watched you drown i remember the sound
of your muffled cries, but you had to taste the lies
you had spun thousands of webs,
i could no longer hold creditability
for the words that flew around my head
you had hit me with an uppercut to the jaw
for the flaws you had made a point to highlight
didn't exist to anyone else other than yourself

so put your insecurities to rest
and inhale this water into your lungs
let them over flow & burst
yes darling, death does hurt
but when were all living to die
its understandable why you'd want to give up trying

let my lullaby swoon satan,
i would even dance with him, for you

as i watched you drown i remember the sound*
of your mom pounding on the door
such a shame you refused to explore life longer

pray god wont be upset with me,
for every second your head was held underneath the water,
by my hand

i felt stronger

an un lit cigarette dangled from her lips
even the slightest breeze would blow it away

she brought fire between her cupped hands
inhale, exhale
relaxation settling in

She had spent her entire life trying to find what she was missing
Always curious what shade of green lied on the other side
Never satisfied with anything less than what her daddy promised

Her only true goal had been to locate her inner peace
to be one with whatever purpose she was sent to fulfill

Hours of meditation and countless attempts to achieve out of body experiences, in hope that the light would illuminate and the spark inside of her would be aflame with knowledge

still, no answer
only empty shot glasses, and ashtrays full of roaches

revolting youth with elevated minds
on a quest to find their true purpose
calm composures and steady hands
unaware that their palms were full of clay
that they had the power to shape who they'd become
with the ignorant assumption that time was on their side
they rode into the sunset careless and misguided
broken hearts, pieces scattered amongst the tears left behind
a generation consumed by their appearance
at war with themselves for
cigarettes burn between the ******* needed to make peace
the adoption of patience will help shape the clay
that weighs heavy in the hands
of a revolting youth

emotionless and numb
yet i could still feel your tongue
when it became entwined with mine

tired and worn
i begged you to go
but you kept your grip on me

scarred and barely breathing
i had become your whole world
dragging you down alongside with me

twisted and burned
there was no return
we had fallen much too deep

daddy's little girl turned prescription pill princess
and had no intentions of coming down
head in the clouds,
i had become beyond the point of numb

hopeless and ungrateful
but you finally left me
once i had hit rock bottom

destructive and ambitious
i brought a sledge hammer to our existence
and because you left
it's all up to me to pick up the pieces now