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164 · Nov 2019
Winter
Caela Bay Nov 2019
I lose interest
I lack tenacity
I'm falling back
Into black and blue
Into "I'm not good enoughs"
and giving up without even trying

Summers gone,
  yellow no longer stains the sky
The smell of trees and hot heat
  will not fill my brain for eight more months
It's cold and I'm lonely.
144 · Mar 2020
Quarantine
Caela Bay Mar 2020
Today is one of those days
Where my body has to work twice as hard simply to make its way out of bed
  When the rain from the shower head feels as though thousands of small needles are tattooing my skin with invisible ink

Its not a bad day
Just a long day
             And it’s only 1pm
128 · Jan 2020
New Year
Caela Bay Jan 2020
I was sitting on the subway
    Drunk
And in love
With somebody else.

Until I smelled your cologne on a stranger
And every good moment we had came rushing back.
Like a sickness, your doctors are sure you are cured of
But you are convinced you still have.

Hypochondriac.
That’s me,
With you.
You won’t leave,
Even when you have.

Even when it’s been years
and I have moved on
and I am happy now

But Jimmy Choo on anyone else
Makes me sick
With an illness
Lovesick and nauseous.

I’m drunk,
   and in love with someone else.
But this subway is another place
I will never go again without thinking of you.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
I cannot express to you an emotion that you have never
and will never feel.

As you were blessed to be born into a body you love.

But if I did try to put it into words,
I would say that it is the equivalent of  a sense of loss,
grief
lack of control.

A daily and constant reminder.

I live in skin that does not belong to me.


                                      
And no amount of nourishment/starvation/love/hatred,
will ever be able to fix the feeling.



This is a body
but not the one I’m suppose to have.
105 · Sep 2023
Ghost in a Grocery Store
Caela Bay Sep 2023
Maybe it’s all the pills they keep piling on
                        One more and I’ll feel better…

Maybe its the family genetics finally kicking in that I always thought I out ran…

Maybe it’s my twenties
         Everyone keeps telling me this is how it should feel…
                               Or
Maybe it’s the fact that no amount of trazadone can get me too sleep
No dose of Adderall will keep me awake
Not a gram of Lexapro can make me feel
Happy
And I just keep trying my ******* best but everyday life finds a new way to kick me in teeth.

Maybe it’s my grandma dying,
     Or that I don’t talk to my brother anymore…

Maybe it’s the fact that I sit in this chair once a week saying all these things to a person who is only paid to care and I still tell them everything anyway because if I don’t say it out loud to another person and just keep replaying it in my head over and over one day I’ll start to scream and never stop.

         I feel like a ghost in a grocery store
Starring at the shelves of food wondering why I’m even here.
once an old man over the phone at my job told me,
“Caela, you’re a good cat” And sometimes that’s the one statement I feel like I can live for.
97 · Feb 17
Take it
Caela Bay Feb 17
Take it all back.
The books
The poems
The words.
Take back the photos
And the laugher
And the kisses.
Because I don’t want to love you anymore.

Take back the songs,
And secrets,
And moments.
Because They leave holes inside of me.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I’ll pack it all in a box,
Ship it to your house;
Or drop it off at your doorstep when your not home.
But please,
Don’t leave me with all these things that remind me of you,

I’ll never be able to move on.

So,
Take it.
Cause I don’t want to love you anymore.
Caela Bay Feb 16
We were always missing each other by minutes.
In the same place,                                                           ­                                                                 ­         At the wrong time.
Watching the same sunset,                                                          ­                                                              Fro­m opposite sides of the neighborhood.
You were painting,                                                        ­                                                                 ­              While I was writing.
You were living while I was trying,                                                          ­                                                To not fall in love with another boy who’d never notice me.
Wishing we had met just a little later                                                            ­                                                When I became the women I wanted to be,                                                              ­                                 When I grew into the girl who would have fit you perfectly.
I was always playing the game.
Waiting for you.
When I’d arrive late,                                                            ­                                                                 ­  You’d show up even later.  
When I’d sit in the room, much to soon,                                                            ­                                        Hoping that you’d come early.                                                           ­                                                     I would learn that you had left hours ago.
We are parallels,                                                       ­                                                                 ­           Moving in the same direction                                                        ­                                                   But a two completely different rates.            
We were always missing each other.
By a minute.                                                          ­                                                                 ­               By a month.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                By a life time.
75 · May 1
For You
Caela Bay May 1
I’ll reserve Wednesday afternoons for you
And 4am sandwich runs to the corner store

Text messages from the front seat
And playing arcade games while we talk about your grandma

I’ll keep a small corner of my mind saved just for you
and all the things that bring you back to me

I’ll let you occupied the darkest parts of my brain
The spaces I can retreat back to, to think of the looks,
the smiles
But mostly the looks

Like I was gold to you
And you a thief to me
My eyes begging under neon lights and confetti
Steal me
Please
Take me away and horde me to yourself

Oh the looks we gave each other

The life times we built in our minds

I’ll keep those moments stored in a secret precious place so that I can keep a little piece of you forever while we spend life times apart
I am half of a person

Constantly
Half full
              Half empty
Half broken
         And half whole

I am half a person
Walking on the silver lining of madness and pain
Or love and contempt

Drifting between here and already saying goodbye to everyone I meet

Please don’t try to fill me up
It doesn’t work
Love
Hatred
  Anger
   Ecstasy

They all fill me up then overflow
        until I am only half of a person again.

— The End —