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Caela Bay May 1
I’ll reserve Wednesday afternoons for you
And 4am sandwich runs to the corner store

Text messages from the front seat
And playing arcade games while we talk about your grandma

I’ll keep a small corner of my mind saved just for you
and all the things that bring you back to me

I’ll let you occupied the darkest parts of my brain
The spaces I can retreat back to, to think of the looks,
the smiles
But mostly the looks

Like I was gold to you
And you a thief to me
My eyes begging under neon lights and confetti
Steal me
Please
Take me away and horde me to yourself

Oh the looks we gave each other

The life times we built in our minds

I’ll keep those moments stored in a secret precious place so that I can keep a little piece of you forever while we spend life times apart
Caela Bay Feb 17
Take it all back.
The books
The poems
The words.
Take back the photos
And the laugher
And the kisses.
Because I don’t want to love you anymore.

Take back the songs,
And secrets,
And moments.
Because They leave holes inside of me.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I’ll pack it all in a box,
Ship it to your house;
Or drop it off at your doorstep when your not home.
But please,
Don’t leave me with all these things that remind me of you,

I’ll never be able to move on.

So,
Take it.
Cause I don’t want to love you anymore.
Caela Bay Feb 16
We were always missing each other by minutes.
In the same place,                                                           ­                                                                 ­         At the wrong time.
Watching the same sunset,                                                          ­                                                              Fro­m opposite sides of the neighborhood.
You were painting,                                                        ­                                                                 ­              While I was writing.
You were living while I was trying,                                                          ­                                                To not fall in love with another boy who’d never notice me.
Wishing we had met just a little later                                                            ­                                                When I became the women I wanted to be,                                                              ­                                 When I grew into the girl who would have fit you perfectly.
I was always playing the game.
Waiting for you.
When I’d arrive late,                                                            ­                                                                 ­  You’d show up even later.  
When I’d sit in the room, much to soon,                                                            ­                                        Hoping that you’d come early.                                                           ­                                                     I would learn that you had left hours ago.
We are parallels,                                                       ­                                                                 ­           Moving in the same direction                                                        ­                                                   But a two completely different rates.            
We were always missing each other.
By a minute.                                                          ­                                                                 ­               By a month.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                By a life time.
Caela Bay Sep 2023
Maybe it’s all the pills they keep pilling on
                        One more and I’ll feel better…

Maybe its the family genetics finally kicking in that I always thought I out ran…

Maybe it’s my twenties
         Everyone keeps telling me this is how it should feel…
                               Or
Maybe it’s the fact that no amount of trazadone can get me too sleep
No dose of Adderall will keep me awake
Not a gram of Lexapro can make me feel
Happy
And I just keep trying my ******* best but everyday life finds a new way to kick me in teeth.

Maybe it’s my grandma dying,
     Or that I don’t talk to my brother anymore…

Maybe it’s the fact that I sit in this chair once a week saying all these things to a person who is only paid to care and I still tell them everything anyway because if I don’t say it out loud to another person and just keep replying it in my head over and over one day I’ll start to scream and never stop.

         I feel like a ghost in a grocery store
Starring at the shelves of food wondering why I’m even here.
once an old man over the phone at my job told me,
“Caela, you’re a good cat” And sometimes that’s the one statement I feel like I can live for.
Caela Bay Sep 2023
I break the men that fall in love with me.
I teach them to worship me,
Then leave them for suffocating me.

I fill their heads with the ideas that I am lucky to have them and that I don’t have the self esteem to leave them.

Then one day, hit them with the,
“I’ve grown out of you.”


I am switch blade with a broken safety feature.
I cut whoever’s hand is holding me.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
I cannot express to you an emotion that you have never
and will never feel.

As you were blessed to be born into a body you love.

But if I did try to put it into words,
I would say that it is the equivalent of  a sense of loss,
grief
lack of control.

A daily and constant reminder.

I live in skin that does not belong to me.


                                      
And no amount of nourishment/starvation/love/hatred,
will ever be able to fix the feeling.



This is a body
but not the one I’m suppose to have.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
No one every tells you how hard it is
                 Watching someone you love die                   slowly.

                            It’s worse
Than the quick knife to the heart when their death is sudden.

      A moment:grief. Then nothingness.

                    But the slow deaths,
They ache.
Like a growing cancer eating its way out
and we acknowledge that there is no cure.
         Just waiting. Watching. Agonizing.

This time will be it.    
   I’m ready. I’ve said my goodbyes.

                              No. Not yet.
                         One more month.


And while I wish I could rejoice in this extra time together. I can’t.

                    You’re in pain. I see it.
                                   I feel it.
You’re suffering                
And all I can do is watch.
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