good
luck
running
from
yourself,
                       this city is so small

I am afraid.
Afraid that I will lose you
To the merciless entropy of the Universe,
Or to the inexorable mystery of God’s plan,
Call it whatever you want, but whatever it is
I am afraid that it will take you from me at any moment,
And that I will be alone again.

I am afraid.
Afraid that every moment with you will be the last,
And our last shared experience will be an insignificant goodbye,
And that will be the last memory I have of you.
That is why I insist on physical contact, because
It reassures me that you’re real and
I am afraid that if I don’t constantly remind myself
I will forget what you felt like,
And then I will forget what we felt like.

I am afraid.
Afraid that I will lose you and not remember you,
That I will feel an unbearable and aching emptiness
And not know why.
I am afraid of fading memories,
As they suggest an essential futility in the beautiful endeavor
That was us.
They suggest that we is incapable of being constant,
That we is merely a rotation of the stone
As it continues its mossless journey to the sea.

I am afraid.
Afraid that in losing we I will lose a part of myself
And remain forever broken and immutably unwhole,
Unable to put myself back together because
My pieces are missing.
I am afraid that we is an essential part of me,
And that I will never recover from the loss.

I am afraid of losing you and afraid of losing me.
I am afraid of being alone and afraid of being broken.

I am afraid that we will lose we and
Then nothing will ever be okay again.

I am afraid.
I am afraid.
I am afraid.

Unfilled dreams visit me
and I pretend
thundering pain does not touch my soul
when I can't hear you say,
“I love you”
before I lay me down to sleep.
Still, I wonder
if I called out on the coldest night
would I hear nothing
but silence
inside the dreams
I keep.  

In the morning hours
I write your name
in the air
with a hand of power,
creating an image
of  love's fire
that can never be lost
in thought.  
A delightful understanding
becomes a sensation of living
with the eyes of my heart
wrapped around the words
I have sought.

My mind sings our story
even when I am alone.
It shouts
from an ocean
of heaven
with a tune swinging  
to the countless beat
of our future need.
It paints our past
with long strokes of feeling
outside of  all the years
that were hidden
by a shadow's greed.

Here I stand as I am
with an invitation
circling my heart
creating a place
for you to be
when time hands me leave
to love you
with every breath
I breathe.  
Although, I may not hear the words
from your lips
the eyes of my heart
hear you speak
with ears........
that see.

breezy
lustful
whole,

the soft of your earlobe against my cheek.

how can the future exist when

now
your wild sage smell is laced over me like a winter chill and your lips,

your lips are so

                                               dangerously



near.

you know that butterfly we saw,

pinned

to the case? the one so vibrantly blue that

even your mother who takes everything literally and got eyeliner tattoos to prove a point

stopped.


it made the others look dusty and pressed,

mere textbook diagrams.


that blue,

reminds me of the way your beauty works

the type that doesn’t make a heart race so much as

purr.


when you walked through my mislabeled door, that night when the moon was curvy as a woman’s hips

i realized that when people say love at first sight

what they really mean is love at first loss of sight


because i couldn’t tell you what color your shirt was or whether i was wearing mascara or not

you leaked for me,

droplets of your oceanic soul.


we touched in the ephemeral before we hugged on the ***** kitchen floor.



electric amor,

make me the flower you flutter through fields to drink from

and i promise you’ll never be empty.

The very second he leaves
A dark void begins to form
I finger the musical keys
With melancholic music I mourn

Because when he was here I could breathe
I could smile and talk and sing
But now that he took the heart on my sleeve
All that is left is remembering

I know in my depth my knight will return
To the stone cold castle in the sky
But I still have gargoyles and urns
And things that could easily die

I have created a collection
Of monstrous items to hold
I cannot seem to win the battle
Between me and my wretched soul

My hair has grown long since I saw him last
Longer than the crimson lace of my dress
Trying to leave a shadow I can’t even cast
Leaving me hungry for blood and flesh

The portcullis of my terrain
Is wrapped in red and dead roses
With each gust they whisper his name
As each lifeless petal poses

The vine of thoughts strangles my weak neck
I promised the world I’d be strong
I want him as well to be fit on his trek
If not, have we all been living wrong?

Death is tempting when you have a moat
Surrounding your very home
Rope or dagger to the throat?
I prefer to be left alone!

The Hourglass is my worst enemy
He haunts me in my dreams
When slumber lets me in for a peak I see
My heart with all its fragile seams

I tell myself there’s a Queen inside
Where is she now?
She’s let the people starve and suffer
She’s let the people down

The people are inside her head
The people of the future’s past
A drink and smoke can only let
The fear come just as it passed

Nothing will aid the aching
The Queen has gone mad
She throws what ends up breaking
But it is making no one sad

so don't change then
you seem to be perfectly comfortable
in your insanity.
wrestling, withdrawing,
anhedonia coming alive in your party
master wrangler of sorrow,
been there, done that.
and like watching
the christians and the lions,
i am rooting for you
but know you will shed blood.
and when you are devoured enough
you come to life,
crazy sonafabitch.
stay where you are then,
forget em happy pills.
i will go certifiable with you
as long as you do not forget
the lunacy of our love.