Fragments of a mirror litter a sink,
stained with the color of hate.
and fear,
always running from what others think,
the blood pulsing in temples,
the skin rippling with heat and clammy sweat,
a thousand what ifs flooding the mind,
so many emotions all at once,
oozing out of the eyes in tears,
the soul broken and distorted,
like the hardest jigsaw puzzle it crumbles,
no way ever to be comforted,
fragments turning into dust before your very eyes,
so fine a dust that the most gentle of breezes take away memories,
takes away the pain,
takes away the very thought of emotions,
never to be the same,
forever a broken mirror pieced back together,
distorted by the scars which will never fade,
every laugh and smile guarded,
walls erupted around where a soul once lived,
nothing more to say,
no more understanding,
the very view of life distorted,
distorted in resemblance or the reflection,
the reflection as I look into the mirror,
the reflection which I no longer recognize

I walk around everyday lost in the past, like reading a ******* history book trying to learn of people from the past. I can never understand how other people think. No matter how hard you try and find the solutions for other peoples problems and honesty and sinceraly want to help them. Whether it is for love, money, friendship, or simply wanting to do the right thing. And even when we do our very best to help and get hurt in the process, for some reason we always come back for more as if the pain inside of us is blinded by the new distraction of you will. I call it that because 9 times out of 10 it seems that the people you are trying to help act as if they want it but then run when it is given. We jump blindly of cliffs to our own doom. We do it so ******* willingly that it becomes second nature.We do our best to protect those we care about or want to care about and the world has a way of saying go **** yourself. And when we take that plunge we hit the ground landing on jagged rocks fragementing into a million pieces. And as time goes on our minds and hearts pick up whats left and piece back together into what we lie to ourselves and call a new and better person. But it is exactly that, we are not a new or better person we are just more learned on the fact that not everything in life is free and the very sad fact that you will cry by yourself far more times than you will laugh with the one you care about. You will learn that there is no perfect relationship, there is no such thing as a soul mate. These are fantasies and dreams we make in our minds so that we can have some glimmer of hope that not everything is lost. That not everything we do in our lives will bring pain and confusion to our lives. So again we decive oursleves. Nothing ever good happens to its too late. We make a million mistakes in the process of trying to do one good thing. Those odds are proven time and time again. And it is not until a friend lays out our  mistakes and can sympathize with them do we realize how stupid we have been and like a collision of truth slams into us and wrecks our whole ****** day. Draining us of our last drop of blood, pulling that last fragment of care from our hearts which is already in a million pieces on the floor as the world walks on past crushing the fragments beneath the wieght of the past and it becomes harder and harder to ever believe that anything will get better with time, people never change, they are what they are, and no matter how much you may be willing to change for them...the sad truth is you will never change, and they will never accept you if you do.

I am the body guard, that what I am,
that is my purpose, I take your you pain as my own,
I do not care if you think I am strong enough to take it,
I do carry the world on my shoulders,
That is who I am, I will never change, not for you or anyone else,
God made me who I am,
sometimes I feel it is a curse and other times I feel that I have hope for others,
I want to do something right in a world of wrong,
If you cant take that and understand then walk away because that will never change,
You think that I don’t know what a caution light is in a relationship,
then you are wrong,
You think I don’t know what a stop sign is,
again you are wrong,
I see both the signs,
I push away the caution signs,
I knock over the stop sign,
that who I am, I am brutal and honest, hard and quick to action,
but this time has been different,
when i saw the caution lights i slowed but didn’t stop,
when I saw the stop sign I hesitated, trying to see the future in play,
as if reviewing a movie before the world sees it,
and while I was waiting and thinking, apparently I was taking too long,
you came up behind me and shot out my knees with a shotgun,
my knees shattered and I feel,
hard,
and I will never be the same,
its hard to hold the world in my knees, always in pain,
but now it hurts even more,
every pain will remind me of you and what has happened,
let me tell you what I am,
I am VENGENCE,
I am the terror wrought by God to defeat evil,
it is never to late to bring justice to those who have done wrong,
you may not even want revenge,
but that is how I am, I will protect you as much as I can from future pain,
and I will find out how to cover the pain,
and as long as it takes I will find a way to help you,
all I ask is your understanding,
I don’t want your heart,
I don’t want your love,
I want you to to feel the trust,
I want you to see I have nothing to gain other than faith,
To show you that the world is not all gone to hell,
Even when I done see God,
he will be there for you,
and so will I,
that will never change, and neither will I,
take it or leave it, I am used to the pain,
it wont hurt anymore than it has before,
trust me and I will bear the pain,
don’t and leave your choice,
your pain, your past, my strength,
I see the playing field,
throw up obstacles if you want, it wont matter, I will find a way around,
throw up a wall and like a combat engineer I will blow it to kingdom come,
nothing left,
just rubble,
and then I will help you,
I will build a better wall, with no leaks, no breaks,
I will always be there and always be this way,
all I ask is you to understand,
dont shoot out my knees,
dont try and weaking me, it wont help you,
it will only slow the healing process,
I dont need you love jus the evidence to defeat what is wrong,
I may not be able to fix the problem but I can build the wall around it so the pain will lessen,
It will never go away but it will help,
that is my promise, that is who I am, now I know, and I thank you for showing me who I am,
my purpose

He never understands the world though societies eyes,
the pain inside more than he can bear anymore,
just one more broken soldier,
never even seen combat yet,
yet wanting to go over to distant lands so much,
to escape the loneliness he feels in his own home, his own country,
searching for the meaning of life where madness reigns true,
what does God want of me, how can I best serve him,
how can he best serve his country,
how can he escape the darkness,
just one more broken soldier,
looking to war to fix him,
looking for a best friend in troubled times,
looking for someone to fix his heart,
tired of being scared,
not of death,
not of being hurt in war,
but scared of being inadequate, unwanted,
tired of searching for those hero stories, those fairy tales of love and redemption,
running forward right into the very walls that are thrown at him,
never getting close enough to show his true colors,
drowning in a sea of troubles,
growing and angry with despair,
but a soldier he stands never retreating,
never willing to quit,
never leaving anyone who has fallen on the path to fend for themselves,
and at times being used by the very people he wants to help,
the tears on his cheek the only reminders of his work,
completed but unappreciated,
the blood he has spilled only his own,
the bruises everlasting, turning into invisible scars that only he sees and feels as he tries to go on,
the cold look in his eyes the result of years of pain,
his stance only able to hold for the Honor and truth inside him,
never will he fall below the standards set by God and men,
not boys, not users of women, but men who appreciate their lovers, wives and sweethearts,
their damsels in distress in the stone tower,
but hesitant to get to close,
the rocks and stones maybe thrown again,
and even when they do we stand true taking the blows,
vainly hoping the steady flow will cease and they will realize we are wearing not shinny armor,
not riding a white horse,
but dressed casually, and riding a black horse,
we are not symbolic, because he is normal and true,
he will not display what you want,
but rather what you need,
he is still one broken soldier, searching for the truth,
maybe Iraq will show it to him....to me

Everyday is anything but a present,
waking after a restless night of sleep,
always wondering what went wrong so fast,
always looking for another chance,
seeing a door at the end of the road,
once was open but no is closing,
closing so fast that the breeze sends a chill through my spine,
keeping it all inside,
dont bother to fight it,
you cant face reality,
and dreaming with a broken heart,
cant get you anywhere,
anymore,
bodyguard status revoked,
nice guy turned hard by lies,
bleeding uncontrollably,
unable to see where it starts,
but feeling where it hurts the most,
only it helps to drink,
to drink the night away,
no more dreams,
the soreness and headaches a welcome relief,
a different kind of pain,
drinking you away,
drinking her away,
drinking everyone away,
cant wait to leave this place,
get some distance from anything that hurts,
braving fire and brimstone which can never equal the pain,
only remembering the all too sad truth,
the greatest distance on this earth,
is the distance between two people.
never realizing the strength that one feeds from another,
never realizing the strength that one has to give to another,
the distance is great,
like a chasm to our hearts,
but when dreaming with a broken heart,
no distance is too great,
where you can fly to cross the distance,
bleeding the whole way over,
falling for the same old tricks,
believing the words without looking into the eyes,
and only when the scent hits do you bother to look up,
and does the vision blur,
same old tears,
same old heartache,
same old dreams with a broken heart,
fragments floating into the chasm,
waiting on the world change

In this world of uncertainty there will be a defining moment of judgment and regret,
And when the world falls to its knees and trembles you will remember,
It is because WE dared,
It is because we stood against those who Oppressed,
It is because we stood against the tyrants,
It is because we faced the murderers,
It is because when the world turned its backs and ignored the death of the our own children that we rose,
We who dared to take a stand,
We who dared stand against the death and destruction,
It is we who dared stand shoulder to shoulder across the lands and being so few,
Took a stand against many,
It is We who dared to resign ourselves to whichever fate befalls us,
It is we who offered all, mind, limb, body, and soul,
It is we that walk the streets where the very road can explode without notice and rip bone and flesh
It has been our screams that pierce the night,
Our blood which turns the sands crimson,
It is our hearts that are shattered, our minds broken,
Broken by the sight of innocent children torn apart, disemboweled by the explosions,
It is We that have seen the women and children grown accustom to guns and death,
To soldiers walking the streets as giants, wearing armor and war,
To the rumbling of humvees, tanks, and behemoths driving the streets,
It is we who stand with grim determination ready to sweat, bleed, and **** and die,
And it WE who have stood against our nations enemies since birth,
It is we who have dared to sacrifice,
It is WE who have been forgotten and left by friends, family, and lovers,
BUT,
It is WE who dare,
When the world crumbles around your feet,
When all your injustices of forgetfulness, of hate and protest come to light,
And when you fall to your knees with hands held to the sky and your cries fill the night,
When your screams echo into eternity and beg for We to save you,
It is then that WE who dare,
WE who have remembered all that we have lost, all that you have taken from us,
All that you have spit on us, have thrown at us, all those hateful things you have said to us,
IT is We who will hear your cries and remember,
And then it is WE who dare,
It is WE who dare to stand ready and we will reply,
WE DARE, and WE WILL FIGHT

Tick Tick Tick as the time goes by. At one point I would have believed to finally discovered how to deal with the feelings inside, to come to realization and to have come to understanding. Hiding the feelings of one’s love and tucking it to a box deep within ones heart. Becoming a mere figment of a ghost than anything to resemble what once was or might have been. Hoping only that during the next twelve months to come my judgment will have been correct. I sit now no longer on a soap box preaching right from wrong. I have been named the ******* not by choice but by status of coincidence. Trying to piece together life as it is, as I want it to be, and what it will be. We have no idea in life how things will appear before us on the path. We know only that we have each other and God above us. Yet more than once we have seen that not to be enough. As I sit in staring at the ****** knuckles of a defeated broken man only slightly realizing that man is myself. The bottle of Southern Comfort standing tauntingly on the countertop promising a relief or assurance and freedom from pain. The guilty pleasure to be had is but tempting to sin against yourself….myself. To find pleasure in solitude knowing that it will never truly make me whole. Solitude has become the hell I have wished, hoped, begged and prayed for to end. Our characters are all that we know. We will be judged equally at the end not by the words we have spoken but by our actions and deeds. I have tried so hard to move through life with ease and always failing horribly. None of the days to pass in the next few months will be easy. I am so far gone down this same road that the only thing I can do to make anything in life seem new or to bring change is to change lanes, having passed the turn- around point long ago. As much as we all look back in life and wish we could push the REDO button and relive a part of our lives to change the outcomes of life. Sometimes we don’t see how certain things are meant to be. So we try and change everything without ever letting anything play out. Hell most people would change the cereal they ate in the morning from Coco Puffs to Lucky Charms if they truly believed those delicious *** little marshmallows could have made their day better. I don’t yet know if I am included in this sentiment. All I know for sure is that every day that passes I feel a little more in the dark. I know now who the light is in my life and the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I am unbecoming of myself to see the end of something that never fully launched. But stuck in a stalemate of temptation, happiness, guilt, and misunderstanding. Like an incurable virus are my feelings. A constant sledgehammer pounding on the walls of my heart trying to crack into what would seem an unbreakable resounding dream. What weakens me the most is not the fear or the wall to come crumbling down, nor the pain of that sledgehammer as it slams me down with truth, but simply the realization that from the light the most simplest soft spoken word is enough to turn the walls into powder blowing away as the winds of breathe that escape the lips. Frustration bleeds into my soul as I see what others have any it burns inside me. It is not jealousy towards the lost souls searching for their own way but frustration that sometimes other people have everything that others want but never seem to have and what is always out of reach. I see it everyday. I pass into the void which becomes our existence. When we throw ourselves into busting our *** at work. Others not understanding our motivation at work thinking but undeniably knowing that we must be outgoing and hard worker. Far from the truth we cry in our hearts. Where we break our bodies working out. Running so far and long the miles a blur into one long journey of escape. Hoping without hope there is a *** of gold at the end of our rainbow. I know that when the winds in the desert blow the strongest and the dust blots out the sun I will always carry a light with me. When the bullets are as thick as bees and the bombs erupting with sounds from the depths of Hell itself I will carry with me my light. I will carry my cross. I no longer care what happens in the next year of my life. But because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t have my dreams and prayers. It is the very essence of these dreams that keeps me going. That fuels my soul. And one day maybe if it is the will of God, or the luck of the hand we are dealt I will come home. I don’t want any flag waving or cheering, no tears, all I want is the hug of reality. I want to come home and pick up where everything left off a year before. The sad reality is that I do not have the fortitude nor the strength inside my soul to break it into my mind and accept that everything will change. That everything has changed and continues to do so with increasing speed. I know all too well the role I am to play. The person I have to be. A man apart the world will make me…has made me. I will always remain the loving guardian no matter what the world brings down my road. Nothing but God himself could stop me. Not that as that I wouldn’t put up a fight against him as well. Some would say that blasphemous to say. I don’t see it that way. He made me what I am. I will never change. But a man apart I live. I see a day when I will become unrecognizable. When the world will call for a warrior and all I can say is God have mercy on their souls because I will not. I am tired of seeing those too naïve or too innocent to weak to stand on their own two feet against that which brings evil. Evil has no bounds. And a time will come when evil will realize that a man apart has none either. A man apart has only the love for his light. The will left only to protect it always. To bring the full terror of God down on those who would wish to dim that light. Those foolish enough to think they might try and blow out that light. God would never have let me find my way down without giving me the love that keeps me going, the hate that makes me fear nothing other than losing my light. And that no matter what happens which each passing day that I will remain a man apart able to separate war from love. And to keep that light always aflame seeking only for the betterment of what was…what might have been….what could be….what is….for a man apart.