When we met I had passion aplenty
But little experience
My heart knew only the tepid depths of emotion
Wanting desperately to feel the jagged edges all the way down
To know what the space around your tired eyes knows
And to be able to soothe it away with practiced efficiency
The wintery dry call of a Russian desert summer
Lingers in your fingertips
Painting softly, brushing cosmic mysteries in to the shining voice of my soul
Our moonshine syllables weaving in and out of a violent love affair
The aftermath cutting off cold parts of you that would shut down
Into migrating islands of solitude and sand castle suicides
You draw points and theories, advanced,alien intellect
Looking over and around what was always solid, concrete
Embedded into the barnacled underbelly of black sheet melodies
I miss the reflection of heat in your dark corners
Tracing lightly over stitch and bone dreams
I could never get close enough to calm my racing heart
You never asked me to stay
So I never did...leave my body...but I was around
Breathing in your incense and glittering morgue scent
Closing my eyes to savor
Relishing what's its like inside all of your empty spaces

Subtle ear drum wiggles
Dizzy spells spinning me around  while sitting down
I cannot quit laughing
Everything is breathing with caterpillar like intensity
My eyes are having a hard time deciphering what it is that they see
Back and forth soft breeze swaying heartbeat trees
Flowers growing in intensity
Their colors and size soon blind, blocking out the sun
I cannot quit laughing
My world becomes a violet hued blown glass fun house
Staring at the ceiling ripple and buck
Womp* Womp* Womp
Charlie Brown grown up scribble words
I cannot hear a **** thing you just said
Water slides down a numb throat
All of my parched cells soaking it up
Drowning the light feeling of flying that just possessed me
On it flows, down through every pipe
I cannot quit laughing
Down until my basement starts to flood
Ruining my only good pair of shoes
Postcard sent from the other side of everywhere
Coming back, falling hard
What a wild ride

I have never admitted to midnight stalking
Except on paper
To one person
You

I have never wanted to saturate myself with another
Except on paper
With one person
You

I have never wished so intensely for rough teeth and bruises
Except on paper
From one person
You

I still do not share the savage secrets of my heart
Except on paper
For one person
**You

Splattered black-red tinged hand-me-downs
Overfilled skeleton closets of thought and memory
Some burn like apollo's flame others are blizzard cold
Stealing into the shadowed corners of my vulnerable spirit
Assisting the grating decay of dead skin dust notes
Back stabbed into flea market food courts
Saturated with the sick sweaty grease and smoke clouds
That permeate the poor and unworthy
Judge with lashing whips, forked knives
Empty cavities hollowed from scraping **** intent spoons
Hungry, ravenous, grasping fallen angel talons ripping
Tearing seams of bleached white from safe haven gray
Not much left inside my stack of broken heart cards
Only spades and suicide kings remain
Grinning spoiled and child like from the seat of a selfish shell
Undo me
Unhinge me
I
Need
To
Bleed

I know that when this reaches you winds will change
Every silver lining seems to have a cloud when it comes to you
We are strangers yet our blood
flows the same
Unfinished parts of me wish that things could be different
Less like the empty spaces that lay
Those spaces now cauterized by years without comfort
How could I be expected to concede
Do what is in my power to conform as daughter
When for so long it was my heart alone that kept us afloat
It has been many moons since we spoke
Longer still since we met gazes
I am not the same
You are
I need these words to show you that though your road has been weary
Though your pain has been great
I cannot excuse your neglect
Father is a title that must be earned
Not given
You will never find it in my hands
These fingers no longer weave the bonds between us
Your's never learned  how