i am a blank page
not in the way
that means a new beginning
but in the way
that a scribbled note
disappears from the paper
through erasures and spills
that seep away the words
as if they never were

Some days I have to remind myself
That it is hunger, not grief
Gnawing at the pit of my stomach
That my head aches from forgetting
To grab that bottle of water
When I woke late
Not from the million memories
Made and unmade
Of my little girl
who never took a breath
Outside my body
Of her sweet uncle
whose breath was
Crushed from his body
Three months to the hour
After my baby was born
eternally sleeping

These days
are so much longer now
Like their hours unlived
Have been folded into mine
Phantom hours that
make the minutes
drag on and on
Make me want
Just a few more hours sleep
Because six or eight or
twelve or fourteen
Is never enough
Leaving me wishing
That I could live
Forever with them
In my dreams

If we could but die one million and one deaths
To be aware and assured one million new beginnings
To have the freedom to revel
in our failings and false starts
To have the time to be swallowed by our emotions-
to float serenely in pools of delight
when in those lives of joy,
to cast ourselves headlong down wells of sorrow
when in those lives of grief
A million lives to spend or waste
Infinite opportunities to grow and discover
No longer held to who we hurriedly decide we are
Driven instead by probabilities
hand in hand with impossibilities of
who we could be
Instead we struggle in the web
of this single life's imagined deadlines
unable to escape the one-lane
tunnel vision trajectory



this time.

It astonishes me to consider
The thousand thousand trials and triumphs
that had to be part of our paths
To ensure we'd walk together
but the consideration is fleeting
As nothing in the past carries much relevance now
Scars have healed or been forgotten
Remembered slights and grudges have been summarily dismissed
Even the glow of nostalgia has been cooled to embers
All has been relinquished to the before times
Warranting only an occasional quick perusal
A momentary revisitation of prior life
Soon to be left in the past
Excepting the recognition that everything aligned
To lead my present tense to you

You're back again
now as before
when I had finally
given up, forgiven
all involved
you call again
and in the moment
nothing has changed
we are still ten years ago
sharing awkward humor
exchanging our newest ideas
and it is right
and everything works
and plans are made
until
the moment
we hang up
when it all
begins to fade
again

Everyone is sleeping
No prying eyes or jealous minds
About to crack wise
About why you wait
Til the midnight hour approaches
To drop in with a line
Check up on an ex
Too far away to pose any real threat
Too good to let go and get on with forgetting
She's still here, still not sleeping through the night
Still sure what's a good time and what must be done
Are poor bedfellows indeed
And a bedfellow is all you seek
Though your precious new light of your life
Might wonder why she's still second on your mind
If she knew the words you send to the former her
Around midnight, when everyone's sleeping.

This is how it will be:
I will leave, because I have to
You will stay, because you can
We will talk- often enough;
exchange words, wishes
***** ideas
I will visit- more than I can afford to-
because your bed
feels more like home to me
than my entire house,
more than this town
where I go on doing
what is so cruelly called
'living'
You say you will visit
when you have the time and money.
You will never have that kind of time
or money.
We will talk, less frequently
You will keep me up to date
on your vibrant artistic endeavours
I will have mad fits of desire
brought on by a few words of yours
Time will pass.
We will talk, be frank and honest
Chat nimbly, later numbly
about meeting new people
These words will be the knives
that cut at the seams
we didn't have time
to stitch together tightly
I will clutch, then cling, then lose my grip
be dragged down
by the weight of holding you back
You will socialize and find solace
in others, face to face
and give up on what distance denied
You will let go and move on
I will wrap myself
around those few sweet,
slippery memories
of how it was.