No one wants to see you when it's the middle of the night and you're on the phone with your mother, fighting because you moved out of the country and there are no gun laws here and you're scared.

She says "come on, you've proved your point, come home. Come home"
And you look over at him and he's asleep with one hand resting on your thigh and you know you've never seen anything so great in your life,
So you take a deep breath, say goodbye, and hang up for the night.

Your mother doesn't understand this because he's not the kind of love you scream from the roof tops.
He's the kind of love that's quiet and unassuming, the kind that tucks you in at night, kisses your forehead, then works to fill in the cracks others have left in you.
He's the kind of love you follow across the ocean silently,
The kind of love where it's four am and you're tracing his spine with your lips, even though you've got to be up at 6.
The kind of love where you wake up in the morning and he's not there, but even so, every rise and fall of your chest is saying "I love you, I love you".

He's the kind of love where when he says "let's move to California", you feel like you're drowning in the Pacific Ocean, but you still don't want to learn to swim.
He's "wake me up before you go" and whispered conversations at 5 am.
He's the kind of love that overwhelms you because you've somehow managed to push almost everyone who's ever tried this away. By the time you realize, you're already in too deep, it's like a tidal wave and you're drowning (again).

He is going to your grandmothers house and playing Rock Paper Scissors, holding your feet and letting you win at thumb wars, while she watches and shakes her head because you're too old for these games. (She's secretly never seen you happier).
He is somehow falling in love deeper between those overstuffed cushions and shy looks,
He's waking up half way across the bed, watching as half an hour later he's somehow made it over to you with his arms around you and his head on your chest and you've never been happier that a thing like gravitational pull exists.

So when your mother tells you to come home for the five hundredth time, take a deep breath and remember that no one wants to see you sobbing in the middle of the night, but he would wake up if you said his name quietly enough.

The first time I ever heard the words,
"I love you"
Come out of your mouth,
It was December and everything was frozen,
But I couldn't have felt warmer.

I meant it, laying down in the fried grass.
I meant it, trapped under a jungle gym during a rain storm.
I meant it, thumb wrestling in a sand box.
And I meant it every single time in between.

You were the fearless conquerer,
The knight in shining armour who fought for me,
Even when I didn't want to be fought for.
The boy who rescued me from myself when I needed it,
And showed me how to love myself when I didn't.

You were the boy who's hands travelled like a map,
Feeling out the curves and bumps in my body,
Carefully memorizing the empty caverns between my bones.

You were the boy who never left,
Even when I did.
The one who threatened to beat up my boyfriend because he was awful,
And who wasn't upset when I couldn't kiss him after the breakup.
You were my fierce protector,
The boy who would get lost with me but still be able to find our way home.

The last time I heard the words
"I love you"
Come out of your mouth,
It was three Decembers later,
And I had never felt colder.

I looked at you like an empty house-
With eyes of smashed glass and lungs made of empty window frames.
You made me feel new.
Applied a fresh coat of paint,
Beautiful and chip free.
But all you did was cover the old,
Cracking foundation.

If I was beautiful,
Then it's true that beauty is only skin deep.
Maybe I could be pretty inside too,
Except you never tried to paint those parts of me-
You never explored deeper than my body.

You roamed my curves like bends in a road,
The dips of my collarbones and hips becoming your home.
You were never one to drive carefully,
But you always managed to avoid me.

You ran at the first sign of a flaw,
Leaving me with some peeling paint and a flood to drown myself in.

If I close my eyes,
I can still feel his breath against my neck.
And the way he said
"You're beautiful"
Like a promise.

His words crawled under my skin,
Made a home in the caverns of self hate and desire to be wanted.
His hands roamed the planes of my body,
Crawling over them like speed bumps on a road.
Slowly but without care,
Caution was never his strong point.

I can see the way you looked at me,
That day in the guidance counsellors office,
Tears streaking down your face.
I can picture you saying
With the heartbreaking sincerity
"I really like him".

I held your hand and stroked your hair,
And then crawled into his bed for the first time
Two weeks later.
Your friendship was the promise I should have kept,
Not the empty ones that he whispered against my skin.

the first time I kissed you,
It was frigid and your breaths came out in clouds.
Your hands shook,
But your mouth was warm.

Your words were covered in sugar,
Too sweet to swallow
Too good to pass up.
Your hands were strong enough to carry the world,
But you couldn't get a grip on life.

The words became bitter,
Coming up with the drinks from the night before.
Smelling of regret and bad decisions,
I kissed you one last time.

In the same place our love began,
It died.
Your hands still shook,
But your mouth was finally cold.

I've never been a listener
But since I've met you
All I want to hear
Is the melody inside your chest
Heart beats fast,
And the rumblings of your voice
Slow and measured.

You're holding me hostage,
But I don't mind.
Your hands are rough,
But I fool myself to think they're kind.
Since I've met you
I've forgotten the girl who talked fast
And sat by the door
(Just in case I had to leave quickly).

I've become a listener,
A bystander.
Pretending my breaths aren't measured to match yours.
No longer do I walk the long way,
I take the quickest route back to you.
Chapped lips and brown eyes,
You look at me with languages I don't know written on your face,
And I'll stay up all night trying to translate.

I can hold my breath and count to ten,
I can lie to myself and cover my eyes,
But you'll leave eventually and I'll have to learn how to speak all over again.
This time my words will be slow and measured,
My fingers tapping the beat of your heart as I speak.
I never was a listener,
But now I can't stop.

1) people will hurt you. Let it go. Forgiveness is key.
2) wearing a mask doesn't mean people can't see you (I learned this the hard way).
3) loving someone doesn't mean they have to love you back.
4) sometimes, you don't want to die. You're just afraid to live.
5) when your castle walls start to crumble, let them. The view is beautiful outside of them.
6) people are beautiful. Let yourself marvel at them.
7) loving yourself comes first. Forget the boy with the cigarettes.
8) a book can be the difference between a bad day and a good one. Always have one with you.
9) laughter truly is the best medicine.
10) don't be afraid to walk in the rain. It can wash almost anything away.

"Winter is the worst"
She says as she blows on her hands and tries to warm up.
She doesn't know a thing about winter,
I think.

How it not only kills everything outside of you,
But inside as well.
How it comes alive and seeps into your pores,
Like some afternoon at the sauna,
But it's not warm and it's not easy to leave.
It hollows you out,
Empties your bones and fills them with lead.
It clears out your veins, pumps sadness and cold instead.
It infects your heart,
Too bad you needed that to live.

"You're lucky if you make it out alive"
I say.

he was here
he was
       here.
I can count his footsteps on the curve of my neck,
The dip of my collarbone
And the dive of my hip.
I can count his lies in the stars,
Countless, immense
Beautiful.

Trapped inside a cave I built myself,
Hollowed out and dry,
"You'll be safe"
I'll be safe.
Scraped my bones and bled myself out,
Knock once
Twice
I'll let you back in.

I see your eyes in each colour I see,
The emotions inside them and the way you looked at me,  
heavy and rushed,
he was here
he was
        here.

Pale faces and even whiter smiles,
Big sweaters, flannels and the way your boots sounded.
Tell me you love me,
I'm forgetting your voice.
Once more darling,
You're my drug of choice.
Catch the snowflakes on your eyelashes,
Can I make a wish upon your lips?
Maybe you'll stay the night this time,
One, two, three strokes on my hip.
Pretend you care,
Just one more night.
Winter love,
Melts just as fast,
Even with your heart of ice.

I have heard "I love you"
In words like "don't forget your umbrella"
And "be careful on those steps"
And I'd like to tell you that I love you
In all those words and more
But you don't hear me when I try
So my voice has dropped in decimals
From screaming over the noise in your head
To whispering the words when you're asleep.
I've heard you can talk to the people in comas,
So maybe in your slumber you will hear me.
Be careful out there darling.

I think the reality is that you have to go through a lot of misplaced forevers before you can actually find ‘forever’
I think the reality is that I was his first,
But she won’t be his last.
And I think we know that going into relationships, but that eventually we blind ourselves to that.
I think that when we’re teenagers and we’re young and we want to be important and loved,
That’s when we take up residence in hollowed out forevers and try to make those words last as long as we can.
Maybe that’s why those forevers don’t work-
Because the ones that do are effortless.
You don’t need to carve a space for yourself, they let you in willingly.
They carve each curve and dip of your body into their heart, their mind, their soul, and keep you there.
So maybe I was his first,
But she won’t be his last.

Tell your bedroom walls all the secrets you can think of.
They won't whisper them around when you leave the room.
Tell the walls because they won't mind if you lay around half naked, crying all day.
Your friends might.

Don't tell your friends your secrets.
Don't tell them about how you did something stupid in a Starbucks bathroom once
Or how you gave everything you had to a boy who lived too far away.

Don't tell those secrets to those girls,
The walls won't whisper but people will.
Maybe they'll tell everyone about how "she isn't a back door ******"
(Yes I know about that).
Maybe they'll just laugh behind your back about how big your *** is.
The walls won't though.

Tell your secrets to the walls of your bedroom,
Cover them with words and pictures and stay cradled in the safety of their embrace for as long as you can.
Walls won't tell secrets,
People will.

It’s winter and we’re sitting on the bench
And snow is falling and I’m cold
But your hands are twice the size of mine
And I think that maybe as long as they’re wrapped around me,
I’ll be okay.
We talk about her and you say that you lost your innocence there
But you lost your heart here.
You brush your thumb over my cheek to wipe away a stray eyelash
You hold it out for me
“Make a wish”

Its summer now and it could be the way your laugh sounds
Or how you let me try to count every strand of hair on your head
It could be the way you hold my hand and pull me down to the grass
Just to kiss me.
It could be those ripped jeans that you swear you’ll replace
It could just be that this summer boy isn’t my winter boy.
And I think you know that I don’t mind, and that I love the laughter in your eyes
And the gold of your skin.
You hold out a dandelion towards me
“Make a wish”

It’s winter again and I’m laying in your bed
And our legs are twisted together with the sheets
Maybe my clothes are on your floor, but all I know is that they aren’t on me
And that you just were.
Maybe it hurts me that you aren’t the summer boy,
Maybe that’s like a stab in my heart each time I think of it.
So maybe you know that somewhere deep down,
And you try to make it better and I try to let you.
You hold me and you make me laugh and you say the right things sometimes
But I guess sometimes isn’t enough.
So you let me slip past you,
My fingers ghosting over your bare torso and your breath a whisper in my ear.
“Make a wish”

It’s summer again and it could be just because it’s my birthday
But no one here is him, not the winter boys and not the summer boy.
But you’re here and you’re different from them,
So maybe I’ll let myself get carried away in your words again.
And I’ll lay in a bed with you and I’ll let you play with my hair
But darling, you aren’t him.
And I love your words and the way you write me breathtaking things,
But his smile was the only thing that could ever steal my heart,
And keep it.
I remember sometime that night,
In the middle of the music and laughter
Someone shoved a cupcake towards me,
With a candle lit right in the middle
And said “Happy birthday”
“Make a wish”.

you loved me with your fingers crossed
your breath held and your eyes closed
ignored my declarations of love,
hung them on your walls like they were prized medals you had won.
shined them meticulously, pretended the words meant nothing.
shied away from my touch, lied straight to my face
crossed your heart and hoped to die,
darling I watched you try.
said you'd be mine always,
did always mean never?
I took your silences and read too far deep into them
made them into phrases you would never say
hoped it would change one day.
I loved you without care
I believed in you and your lies
I never wanted to watch us die.
you watched me as I walked away
breathing heavily and eyes clear
screaming all the words I so desperately wanted to hear
after seeing so much death, a whispered I love you wasn't enough.
I left with nothing but the echoes of your empty silence and the scars they left.

When I was little I was scared of things like sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark.
And I once choked on a cookie while crying,
And my babysitter used to let me off of my groundings if I promised not to tell.
And my aunt used to put m&ms; at the bottom of my bowl of popcorn, and everytime I was surprised.

When I was little I loved Hilary Duff and Mary-Kate & Ashley
I owned all the movies and cds.
I wanted to be pretty and skinny and blonde.
I practiced my signature to look like Hilary's
And tried to smile like Ashley.
I named my dolls Mary-Kate.
I wanted to be them.

When I was little I saw ghosts.
I would sit on the steps and talk to them,
Discussing movies and my favorite tv shows and how badly I wanted an msn account.
And they followed me and taunted me but mostly they were nice so they were my friends.

Now Im a big girl and Im still scared of things like
Sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark
And I don't eat while I cry anymore, because I once choked on a cookie and my mom ignored me.
And I don't have a babysitter anymore, but I never leave my room anyways.
And my aunt doesn't surprise me anymore.

I'm a big girl now,
And I know that Mary-Kate was a drug addict,
And that Hilary had an eating disorder
And that I look bad blonde
And that Im neither pretty or skinny
And that my smile will never look like Ashleys.
I know that I have an awful signature.
And that all those girls were sick.
But now I'm sick
Does this mean Im finally like them?

I'm a big girl now,
And instead of Disney stars, I idolize girls on tumblr
With thigh gaps and long hair
And ribs that stick out
I want so badly to be them.

Im a big girl.
I still see ghosts, but they aren't friendly anymore.
They pull my hair and dig at my skin and whisper nasty things to me.
We talk about death and blood and how good it must feel to be so skinny
That you can lie on your back and count your ribs
One
By
One.
They aren't nice anymore, but they're still my friends.

I'm a big girl now.

I guess I used to look at him like he put the stars in the sky, as cliché as that is.
I used to revolve around him, kind of like the moon orbiting earth.
I used to be too scared to kiss him or move or speak in his presence
Because he was this tall, graceful creature and I was anything but that.
He was full of wonder and mischief and I had always wanted to achieve that
(to this day I still haven't).
So I guess, that when he yelled at me and told me I was worthless I took it gladly
Because any words that fell from those perfect lips had to be true.
And I can still hear his voice and I can see his smile if I close my eyes and focus just enough
And I think that maybe I miss that more than I miss the times my mom would hug me.
But I guess, that when he cheated on me it didn't hurt as much because his words were like stepping on glass
And if I treaded too hard I would shatter them and
Truthfully, I was never good at stepping lightly.
So I took his betrayal in stride, adding more shards to my shattered collection.
And in the end,
I suppose that I left
And it wasn't for me or him or us or any of the reasons that I gave him,
But more so for the people who did love me and told me that he didn't.
It was more for the people that were disappointed in me,
More for the girl they told me they missed.
I guess that it was for them,
And how they told me he didn't love me
Even though I desperately held onto the words he said
Between kisses when it was dark
And all I could do was trace the outline of his face
And try to commit those words to memory in case one day he ran out of them.
So I suppose that in the end,
That song is right
And that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead,
Except we're both alive even though we tried not to be.
The only thing dead is our love
And the secret is that he never loved me.

I met him in October,
The month he was born.
I met him in October,
And it was cloudy and chilly
And I hated him.
Not because he wasn't funny,
Or nice.
But because there was something inside me telling me to stay away.
Run away.
I guess, at some point I lost myself in the vast sea that I thought was his love.
And I let myself drown without realizing it.
I made myself into puzzle pieces that were his smile
And the way his hand was twice the size of mine.
He took all of my insecurities and made them into his own.
He hollowed out my bones and fit himself inside.
Fighting was our favorite past time
It was loud and uncomfortable and mean and wrong.
I left him in December,
Two long years later.
The month that I saved myself.
When I came up for air I didn't recognize myself
And I tried to put myself back together
But the pieces didn't fit anymore because
His smile was gone
And so were his hands.
So I floated for a while
In sadness
Silence.
I lost myself when I lost him and I didn't know if I ever even knew myself.
So I'm still floating, trying to put myself back together.
I've healed all the wounds he left me.
I've filled my bones with music and words and books that I love.
I'm not lost in the vast sea that I know wasn't love.
I'm just lost in me.

I know a girl
Who was like a flower
Growing between the cracks
In the sidewalks.
Wild
Beautiful
And
Unexpected.

Except this girl,
Lived not in the cracks
Of sidewalks
But in the cracks
And crevices
Of her own pain.

Just like those
Flowers
She had been
Trampled
And
Damaged
And
Uprooted
Just to be hastily replanted
Again.

And although she always
Bloomed once more
I'm afraid
That one day
She wont find the strength.

One day
I noticed that
Things didn't matter
To her
Anymore.

Not calories
(Which she counted meticulously)
Nor clothes
(Which she scrutinized routinely)
Not even
Her hair
(Which she fussed over ridiculously)

One day
I noticed that
The spark
In her eyes
Was missing.

One day
I noticed
Her sitting outside
In the rain.
Soaked but you could tell
She was crying.

I asked her.
She told me, she was trying to bring him back.
She sat under that tree when it rained
Because its where he first kissed me
She said.
She traced his kiss over her lips
And tried to bring him back
Through the power of her memories.

One day
I noticed how often she laughed
But so little smiled
I asked her
She told me.
Her smile was taken
By the boy who took her heart.

One day
I asked her.
She told me.
He jumped,
He was just looking up at the sky
And then all of the sudden
He was gone.
Not a word,
Not a cry.

All he ever wanted
Was to die.

The first time I fell in love,
it was rushed
and packed away in boxes
and moving vans
and letters never to be seen.
(you still haven't seen them).

The first time I fell in love,
you held my hand
And asked me to be yours
and I blushed and said no
and cried as I left because you didn't know.
The first time I fell in love, it was with a boy.

The second time I fell in love,
it was hard and in a place far away.
This time it was through the computer until I could see you again.
You tried to kiss me and I said no and I left without a goodbye.

The third time I fell in love,
I allowed you to kiss me.
Against a wall,
rushed and cold and watched.
I left that time and you watched and knew
I would be back.

The fourth time I fell in love with you,
it was cold again.
You kissed me against a wall,
but this time I didn't know if I wanted it.
You were sad but you held my hand .
You walked me home.
I asked you to kiss me and you asked if I was sure. This time, I was the one crying when I left.

The fifth time I fell in love with you,
I wondered if I had ever stopped.
I wondered when I had really started
And why I hadnt noticed.

It was your birthday before mine and I spent
that day making sure you knew
just how much you were loved.

Suddenly it was my birthday
and I was there,
with you.
Summer and love always end
but
I didn't believe anything could end us.
We played games and every win
and every lose
was rewarded
with a kiss.

You held my hand and I never wanted to let go.
This time when I left, we both cried.
This time, I didn't fall out of love with you,
I knew and I couldn't stop it.

This time,
when you went away for the summer
I wrote you letters
every day.  
When you came back
And drew away,
I was left confused
but still hopeful.
This time,
I was the one who couldn't stop loving you.

The last time I fell in love with you,
It was with a man, not a boy.
The last time I fell in love with you,
You fell out of it with me.

I once knew a girl that was a mystery;
I once knew a girl who could shine through
Even the darkest of clouds and thoughts
Although she tried to keep herself hidden away

I once knew a girl that was a mystery;
Covered in layers of secrets and betrayals
She would never let me in deep enough
Although she shone, sometimes
She was gone.

I once knew a girl that;
Should have been named after the moon
For, she was
My moon,
My sun.
My end,
But also where I begun.

I once knew a girl;
That when people ask about,
I do not call by name.

I once knew a girl that was a mystery;
Her name should have been La Luna,
For she was exquisite,
Just like the moon.
Always hidden and yet always present.