No one wants to see you when it's the middle of the night and you're on the phone with your mother, fighting because you moved out of the country and there are no gun laws here and you're scared.

She says "come on, you've proved your point, come home. Come home"
And you look over at him and he's asleep with one hand resting on your thigh and you know you've never seen anything so great in your life,
So you take a deep breath, say goodbye, and hang up for the night.

Your mother doesn't understand this because he's not the kind of love you scream from the roof tops.
He's the kind of love that's quiet and unassuming, the kind that tucks you in at night, kisses your forehead, then works to fill in the cracks others have left in you.
He's the kind of love you follow across the ocean silently,
The kind of love where it's four am and you're tracing his spine with your lips, even though you've got to be up at 6.
The kind of love where you wake up in the morning and he's not there, but even so, every rise and fall of your chest is saying "I love you, I love you".

He's the kind of love where when he says "let's move to California", you feel like you're drowning in the Pacific Ocean, but you still don't want to learn to swim.
He's "wake me up before you go" and whispered conversations at 5 am.
He's the kind of love that overwhelms you because you've somehow managed to push almost everyone who's ever tried this away. By the time you realize, you're already in too deep, it's like a tidal wave and you're drowning (again).

He is going to your grandmothers house and playing Rock Paper Scissors, holding your feet and letting you win at thumb wars, while she watches and shakes her head because you're too old for these games. (She's secretly never seen you happier).
He is somehow falling in love deeper between those overstuffed cushions and shy looks,
He's waking up half way across the bed, watching as half an hour later he's somehow made it over to you with his arms around you and his head on your chest and you've never been happier that a thing like gravitational pull exists.

So when your mother tells you to come home for the five hundredth time, take a deep breath and remember that no one wants to see you sobbing in the middle of the night, but he would wake up if you said his name quietly enough.

The first time I ever heard the words,
"I love you"
Come out of your mouth,
It was December and everything was frozen,
But I couldn't have felt warmer.

I meant it, laying down in the fried grass.
I meant it, trapped under a jungle gym during a rain storm.
I meant it, thumb wrestling in a sand box.
And I meant it every single time in between.

You were the fearless conquerer,
The knight in shining armour who fought for me,
Even when I didn't want to be fought for.
The boy who rescued me from myself when I needed it,
And showed me how to love myself when I didn't.

You were the boy who's hands travelled like a map,
Feeling out the curves and bumps in my body,
Carefully memorizing the empty caverns between my bones.

You were the boy who never left,
Even when I did.
The one who threatened to beat up my boyfriend because he was awful,
And who wasn't upset when I couldn't kiss him after the breakup.
You were my fierce protector,
The boy who would get lost with me but still be able to find our way home.

The last time I heard the words
"I love you"
Come out of your mouth,
It was three Decembers later,
And I had never felt colder.

I looked at you like an empty house-
With eyes of smashed glass and lungs made of empty window frames.
You made me feel new.
Applied a fresh coat of paint,
Beautiful and chip free.
But all you did was cover the old,
Cracking foundation.

If I was beautiful,
Then it's true that beauty is only skin deep.
Maybe I could be pretty inside too,
Except you never tried to paint those parts of me-
You never explored deeper than my body.

You roamed my curves like bends in a road,
The dips of my collarbones and hips becoming your home.
You were never one to drive carefully,
But you always managed to avoid me.

You ran at the first sign of a flaw,
Leaving me with some peeling paint and a flood to drown myself in.

If I close my eyes,
I can still feel his breath against my neck.
And the way he said
"You're beautiful"
Like a promise.

His words crawled under my skin,
Made a home in the caverns of self hate and desire to be wanted.
His hands roamed the planes of my body,
Crawling over them like speed bumps on a road.
Slowly but without care,
Caution was never his strong point.

I can see the way you looked at me,
That day in the guidance counsellors office,
Tears streaking down your face.
I can picture you saying
With the heartbreaking sincerity
"I really like him".

I held your hand and stroked your hair,
And then crawled into his bed for the first time
Two weeks later.
Your friendship was the promise I should have kept,
Not the empty ones that he whispered against my skin.

the first time I kissed you,
It was frigid and your breaths came out in clouds.
Your hands shook,
But your mouth was warm.

Your words were covered in sugar,
Too sweet to swallow
Too good to pass up.
Your hands were strong enough to carry the world,
But you couldn't get a grip on life.

The words became bitter,
Coming up with the drinks from the night before.
Smelling of regret and bad decisions,
I kissed you one last time.

In the same place our love began,
It died.
Your hands still shook,
But your mouth was finally cold.

I've never been a listener
But since I've met you
All I want to hear
Is the melody inside your chest
Heart beats fast,
And the rumblings of your voice
Slow and measured.

You're holding me hostage,
But I don't mind.
Your hands are rough,
But I fool myself to think they're kind.
Since I've met you
I've forgotten the girl who talked fast
And sat by the door
(Just in case I had to leave quickly).

I've become a listener,
A bystander.
Pretending my breaths aren't measured to match yours.
No longer do I walk the long way,
I take the quickest route back to you.
Chapped lips and brown eyes,
You look at me with languages I don't know written on your face,
And I'll stay up all night trying to translate.

I can hold my breath and count to ten,
I can lie to myself and cover my eyes,
But you'll leave eventually and I'll have to learn how to speak all over again.
This time my words will be slow and measured,
My fingers tapping the beat of your heart as I speak.
I never was a listener,
But now I can't stop.

1) people will hurt you. Let it go. Forgiveness is key.
2) wearing a mask doesn't mean people can't see you (I learned this the hard way).
3) loving someone doesn't mean they have to love you back.
4) sometimes, you don't want to die. You're just afraid to live.
5) when your castle walls start to crumble, let them. The view is beautiful outside of them.
6) people are beautiful. Let yourself marvel at them.
7) loving yourself comes first. Forget the boy with the cigarettes.
8) a book can be the difference between a bad day and a good one. Always have one with you.
9) laughter truly is the best medicine.
10) don't be afraid to walk in the rain. It can wash almost anything away.