"Winter is the worst"
She says as she blows on her hands and tries to warm up.
She doesn't know a thing about winter,
I think.

How it not only kills everything outside of you,
But inside as well.
How it comes alive and seeps into your pores,
Like some afternoon at the sauna,
But it's not warm and it's not easy to leave.
It hollows you out,
Empties your bones and fills them with lead.
It clears out your veins, pumps sadness and cold instead.
It infects your heart,
Too bad you needed that to live.

"You're lucky if you make it out alive"
I say.

he was here
he was
       here.
I can count his footsteps on the curve of my neck,
The dip of my collarbone
And the dive of my hip.
I can count his lies in the stars,
Countless, immense
Beautiful.

Trapped inside a cave I built myself,
Hollowed out and dry,
"You'll be safe"
I'll be safe.
Scraped my bones and bled myself out,
Knock once
Twice
I'll let you back in.

I see your eyes in each colour I see,
The emotions inside them and the way you looked at me,  
heavy and rushed,
he was here
he was
        here.

Pale faces and even whiter smiles,
Big sweaters, flannels and the way your boots sounded.
Tell me you love me,
I'm forgetting your voice.
Once more darling,
You're my drug of choice.
Catch the snowflakes on your eyelashes,
Can I make a wish upon your lips?
Maybe you'll stay the night this time,
One, two, three strokes on my hip.
Pretend you care,
Just one more night.
Winter love,
Melts just as fast,
Even with your heart of ice.

I have heard "I love you"
In words like "don't forget your umbrella"
And "be careful on those steps"
And I'd like to tell you that I love you
In all those words and more
But you don't hear me when I try
So my voice has dropped in decimals
From screaming over the noise in your head
To whispering the words when you're asleep.
I've heard you can talk to the people in comas,
So maybe in your slumber you will hear me.
Be careful out there darling.

I think the reality is that you have to go through a lot of misplaced forevers before you can actually find ‘forever’
I think the reality is that I was his first,
But she won’t be his last.
And I think we know that going into relationships, but that eventually we blind ourselves to that.
I think that when we’re teenagers and we’re young and we want to be important and loved,
That’s when we take up residence in hollowed out forevers and try to make those words last as long as we can.
Maybe that’s why those forevers don’t work-
Because the ones that do are effortless.
You don’t need to carve a space for yourself, they let you in willingly.
They carve each curve and dip of your body into their heart, their mind, their soul, and keep you there.
So maybe I was his first,
But she won’t be his last.

Tell your bedroom walls all the secrets you can think of.
They won't whisper them around when you leave the room.
Tell the walls because they won't mind if you lay around half naked, crying all day.
Your friends might.

Don't tell your friends your secrets.
Don't tell them about how you did something stupid in a Starbucks bathroom once
Or how you gave everything you had to a boy who lived too far away.

Don't tell those secrets to those girls,
The walls won't whisper but people will.
Maybe they'll tell everyone about how "she isn't a back door ******"
(Yes I know about that).
Maybe they'll just laugh behind your back about how big your *** is.
The walls won't though.

Tell your secrets to the walls of your bedroom,
Cover them with words and pictures and stay cradled in the safety of their embrace for as long as you can.
Walls won't tell secrets,
People will.

It’s winter and we’re sitting on the bench
And snow is falling and I’m cold
But your hands are twice the size of mine
And I think that maybe as long as they’re wrapped around me,
I’ll be okay.
We talk about her and you say that you lost your innocence there
But you lost your heart here.
You brush your thumb over my cheek to wipe away a stray eyelash
You hold it out for me
“Make a wish”

Its summer now and it could be the way your laugh sounds
Or how you let me try to count every strand of hair on your head
It could be the way you hold my hand and pull me down to the grass
Just to kiss me.
It could be those ripped jeans that you swear you’ll replace
It could just be that this summer boy isn’t my winter boy.
And I think you know that I don’t mind, and that I love the laughter in your eyes
And the gold of your skin.
You hold out a dandelion towards me
“Make a wish”

It’s winter again and I’m laying in your bed
And our legs are twisted together with the sheets
Maybe my clothes are on your floor, but all I know is that they aren’t on me
And that you just were.
Maybe it hurts me that you aren’t the summer boy,
Maybe that’s like a stab in my heart each time I think of it.
So maybe you know that somewhere deep down,
And you try to make it better and I try to let you.
You hold me and you make me laugh and you say the right things sometimes
But I guess sometimes isn’t enough.
So you let me slip past you,
My fingers ghosting over your bare torso and your breath a whisper in my ear.
“Make a wish”

It’s summer again and it could be just because it’s my birthday
But no one here is him, not the winter boys and not the summer boy.
But you’re here and you’re different from them,
So maybe I’ll let myself get carried away in your words again.
And I’ll lay in a bed with you and I’ll let you play with my hair
But darling, you aren’t him.
And I love your words and the way you write me breathtaking things,
But his smile was the only thing that could ever steal my heart,
And keep it.
I remember sometime that night,
In the middle of the music and laughter
Someone shoved a cupcake towards me,
With a candle lit right in the middle
And said “Happy birthday”
“Make a wish”.