if i were a boy
to be honest
i would probably do all the things you boys do -
i would **** girls
and take names

being a girl
if i had the same ability you do
i would **** boys
and take names

but i am blessed by my shortcomings
my chubby face
my awkward side profile
my angular nose,
my gender.

like a redheaded tiger
i too have stripes
red ones on my wrists
thighs
forearms

like a tiger
i can stand the fire
red hot welt
on my freckled forearm

like a tiger
i have claws
they are
silver
i cut at
that which harms me -
me

i can never sleep the night after a party

every worst situation that didn't even happen rams through my brain
in the quiet, frightening time between sleep and awake
a never ending loop that terrifies me

i get so angry
joe tells me not to be angry
but i can't help it

"bling" goes the dial of people who feel sorry for you
"snap" goes the rope hanging from the ceiling

i have an issue with pity-partiers

i know one beard stroking ******* ******* ******* ******* guy
who always says
"whatever suits you"
in his dead-beat ******* voice
that just speaks of soft, white flesh
and greasy hair

and i've found that i hate that phrase
with every fiber of my being
because my mother did
whatever the **** suited her
and it killed her entire family

like what if what suits you is kicking puppies
or pinching babies
or molesting little kids
or wiping out entire races

like what the actual ****
you ****

my burn has finally started healing
next time i'll not hold it on for so long
it still frightens me
it looks inhumane
(am i inhumane?)

i'm getting tired of glancing my arm away
when people look at me
and sweaters are tiring too

i was waiting for an opportunity to take my dad's credit card
because i wanted something
and tonight
just when i really wanted something
something silly
very badly
he was on the phone
his wallet on the table...
within two minutes
i was walking upstairs
his grody card
in my hand
punching in the numbers

before i clicked confirm order
i thought of remedying the situation
"oh...dad...i was just trying to order you your birthday present
without you knowing
wanted it to be a surprise
haha, never guessed, did you"
i thought he wouldn't notice
the $30 missing

after i finally got what i wanted
i felt so full
i finally had it

and then i felt scared
and
embarrassed
and
ashamed
and i wondered
if this is what i am reduced to
materialistic ****
stealing from my father
who gives me all he can
is this just because i am a girl
or because i am human
or because i am sad
when will i stop stealing things
am i some sick *******
who gets a thrill out of petty crimes
what will i do next?

i haven't fallen in love with someone in such a long time
i'm pretty sure if the abercrombie and fitch of cowtown usa confessed his life long love for me right now
i'd tell him to *******.

my sister is gushing her way through a romantic comedy romance
with some hot criminal justice major
and i'm happy to proffer advice
and cluck sympathetically
and oo and aww at the right moment
but my lack of drive to have something similar for myself
is slightly disconcerting

i worry that if i ever do have someone that means something to me
i'll have to explain to to them about my family
why i don't talk to my mom
why my little brothers and sisters can't see my dad
why my body is covered in scars
why i'm such a ****** up clown girl
and to be honest
i feel as if i don't have the ******* energy
to lay everything bear
to a potentially back-stabbing ******* human being

i've learned that everyone has that potential
my own mother tore me to pieces in front of a court of law
if the woman who gave birth to you
and claimed to love you for 18 years
can turn into a monster
so quickly
so can anyone else
and that is why i don't love people
like i say i do
because somewhere i know that they'll **** me over
they're human,
it's what they do

little clown girl,
sit on your dusty shelf
until it's empty
and you have it to yourself
i don't need any other accent
i just need space
and a knife

people **** the life out of me

i'm like a sugary cereal that they eat and eat and eat
but they never get full

i am so tired by the end of the day
i just want to go home
take off all the clothes i wore for them
take off all the pretension
all the make up
and lie on the floor

are you enough to keep me alive?

i suppose being infectious and wanted is a blessing
it has been a very long time since i have felt unwanted
probably way back into my awkward teenaged years
and now everyone wants me
but i don't want myself

are you enough to keep me alive?

the one person who i know cares about me
got scared when i put a nerf gun under my chin
and pulled the trigger
i just wanted to feel the air
test it out
see if the barrel of a gun belonged there
i have never told her that i didn't want to live
but i think she knows
the only reason i'm here
is for the people around me

are you enough to keep me alive?

i am fascinated with the unruliness of some girls' hair
the plainness around their eyes
the strangeness of their earrings
the smell of the cigarettes inbetween their fingers

i wonder at their worn brown boots
and slightly crooked teeth
and dry lips
and i think
they are the most beautiful things
i have ever seen
almost untouched
by things that beat me down
like the image of victora's secret underwear
and the world's first super model telling girls their thighs are too fat

i want to be one of those slightly unkempt women
they're like uncaged animals
i want to have what they have

but i am a product of this society
it is too late for me
i am destined to be unsatisfied
forever
i will always hate something about me
even if i don't mean to
i will always wear too much make up
and too low shirts
and preach the mainstream way of life

my fingernails will never be *****.
i will always be merely pretty
i wish i was
interesting