Even when you're asleep next to me in bed

I still miss you

Because I know one day you'll be

gone

Songs that he played
That you use to hate
Now are your favorites
Because he is gone

time is but an illusion
it was made into a concrete concept
so man could comprehend it logically
but time has no logic to it
time is nothing
yet time is everything
without the occurance of time,
things would be the same as they were
this time of year two years ago
back when things first began
between he and i
and its odd to think that
that almost 730 days i ago
i didnt even know who he was
and now
i cant ever seem to forget about him
Maybe with each passing day
As the clock ticks away
Time will bring us back
To where we once began

I might have to wait eternity,
But I've got time.

I stopped writing poems
Once you stopped writing me letters

I stopped naming my songs
Once you stopped saying my name

I stopped soaking up the sun rays
Once you stopped being my sunshine

I stopped being positive
Once you were positive you had to go

I love him so much
I wonder if he
Could ever love me as much as I love him
And when I say love I mean my whole body aches for him
I couldn't imagine another soul feeling like that towards me

"I'm only half without you"
This statement I don't exactly understand
Because its not like that for me.
Without you,
I'm the morning sky without the sunshine,
The nightime sky without the stars,
Dark, and lifeless.
Without you,
I'm the ocean,
But without the salty waves,
Just a bottemless pit.
Without you,
I'm a garden
Full of plants and flowers that refuse to
Bloom and grow
Without you,
I'm snow that melts away
I'm the leaves that change
I'm the seasons that fade away
Without you,
I'm the same as the time
Simply passing everyone by
With no real purpose
Just a reminder that it all runs out
As you can see,
Without you,
I
  am
      nothing.

I've known him
For less than a month.
I can count on one hand
How many times I've seen him.
But with all truth,
his face has not left my mind.

But how could someone
Who I hardly know
Steal my breath so quickly?

Maybe its the way he laughs throwing his head back
Maybe its the way he sings led zeppelin songs at the top of his lungs
drumming on the steering wheel while driving
Maybe its the way he held me,
Tight in his arms
I felt so safe
I could be anywhere in this world
But all that seemed to matter
Was the way he'd look into me
No words can describe the way I felt while in his arms
Entangled in eachother
And a million blankets and pillows

He told me too many times
That I was pretty
I denied it everytime
I explained that I'm an insecure
Mess
But by the end of that conversation,
I agreed to take out my hair extensions
And makeup.
No one has ever gotten to me
So deep.
And just by the way my body trembled
When we kissed,
And the way he looked
With his shirt off,
His body, pure art,
With a cigarette
Hanging out of his mouth,
Oh I never wanted anybody
so bad before.

I've been numb for quite some time,

I forgot how it feels

To feel

I forgot what it feels like

To be left completely speechless  

I forgot what it feels like

To breathe

I remember those white sheets and the covers pulled over our heads
And my head placed on your chest
I remember the exact rhythm to the beating of your heart
As if it were my favorite song stuck in my head
Replaying over and over again
A melody that floods my mind with memories
You made promises you swore you'd
Never break even if your life
Depended on it
Now look at us,
We're nothing but smoke from eachother's
Cigarettes drifting away in the air
Day by day
And as I lay here replaying those
Memories in my head
I glance over at the picture of us on the wall
Taken months ago
The color is fading
The memories are fading
And so are we

Love me like the snowflakes
Falling on top of the trees
Love me like the cool calm
Winter breeze
Love me like the butterflies
That float around like bees
Love me like the rivers
Love me like the sea
But most importantly
Love me for me

Each day I eagerly await your returnal
Even though I know deep down
you'll never
Come back
This town's just too small for
Your ambicious soul
You are always ready to spread your wings and fly
And set out and search for what your
Heart really longs for
You were made for great things
You can do anything and everything.
You'll always be my favorite mistake,
And I'll always be that stupid girl
That you never could have truly wanted
Even though I tried to be what you
Needed.
You were in a hurry to start living,
I was in a dream cloud, distracted from the thought of dying,
We were in two different worlds
I was a child,
You a young man,
And I expected too much from you
And I was broken
And I'm sorry I placed the blame on you
Because it really always was my fault
My wrong doings,
I wish I could re do this all
But now its far too late
You are long gone
And I'm still here

he woke up one morning,
and the hands he had
were no longer meant to hold me
to wipe away my tears.
the eyes he had,
were no longer meant to gaze into mine
being filled with awe and wonder.
his hair,
was no longer meant for me to run
my cold fingers through
making me feel warm
I remember those moments in time
I'd be memorized by him
his every feature
his every movement,
by the way he'd look at me, and
how he'd
tell me about his father.
but now,
his heart is no longer meant for me
it is no longer beating
to the sound of my voice.

Either way,


                   I'll be smothering
                                 My lungs in smoke

                        

                            & crying myself to sleep



2013 © O'Brien Devin Brielle

He'll never know
How my entire heart aches for him
Every early morning when I first awake
And every restless night until I fall asleep
He'll never know
That each time I cry
Its because he simply entered my mind
And that memories are stuck replaying
Over and over
And I cant stop it
He doesn't know that each night
I bow my head
And I pray to the man in the sky
Asking,
No,
Begging,
For him to come to the realizations
He'll never know
That its currently 2:33 am
And I'm lying in bed
Restless
With him on my mind
Writing poems about him
He'll never know

I am living
No doubt that my heart is beating

But between you & I
I just don't feel alive

we sat alone in your car
with the fluorescent lights
shining inside onto you
illuminating every single
perfectly imperfect inch
of your sad face
I turned my body to face yours
and I lifted my hand
and held your face
and you closed your eyes
and I saw a hint of a smile
I found my head nestled
in your neck 60 seconds later
and you were holding me
I said, "you are my favorite."
and I felt your cheeks rise
in a smile as they
were pressed
against my shoulder.
you said, "do you
want to see something?"
I said, "yes, show me"
you pulled up your left
sleeve and you held
out your arm
and I have never seen
something so beautiful
with my eyes before.
my mouth open in awe,
I reached out and
touched the faded
mauve lines
my fingers felt like
clouds caressing
jagged mountain peaks
I kissed you then, still
holding your arm
not knowing how to react
to something like that
I felt so special in that moment
because no one has ever
let me see so deep into them before.
none of the words I speak are
capable of describing
one single part of you,
but if they were the word
would have to be,
magnificent

It will never make sense why my heart belongs to a man who will never love me back. The words he says are old replayed records that were once melodies, that belonged to her. He can hold me and love me all night long but when the morning sun arises and he wakes up by my side, he wishes it were her eyes that he could get drunk on. She is beautiful, with hair golden and long, and my hair is black to match my soul. I like drugs I pop a pill every now and then, and she gets high from the life she is blessed to be able to live. I will never compare to her, but no, I don't want to be her,


But he does, and it will **** me forever, especially when he leaves.

There's a reason that the sun arises
Each morning
It is a possible new beginning
for everyone to take advantage of
There's a reason
The waves of the ocean always
Come crashing back onto the shore
It is a way to never lose touch
Of home
There's a reason for the stars beyond us
Burning and Shining
There's a reason for the seasons
That seem to quickly pass by
Except in times of coldness
There's a reason the world spins
There's a reason the moon beams
At night
It guides unfourtunate souls
Who wander and may be lost
Providing light
But along with all these wonders in life,
I'm not sure of the reason
If there's a reason
I stumbled across you
And that's where it began

one of the very few conversations I've had with my father was on a night where I felt lost, I was recently heartbroken & kept to myself for a while. if you know me, i haven't had a relationship with my father for a very long time, if anything, I claimed to hate him. but for some reason that night I was feeling so low & walked in his room & sat on the floor with my eyes filled with tears. I think he saw the pain in my eyes & recognized it as his own, he said
"your mother was 15 years old when we met, I loved her instantly. when I first went to her house, there was a wooden chest at the foot of her bed filled to the top with empty liquor bottles. I knew at that moment I was dealing with a broken person. 20 years later, and she's still broken. you can't fix someone who is broken, no matter how much love you give to them"

& ever since then, it's all made sense to me.

i've come to believe
love is giving someone everything you have left inside of you,
pouring it out for them,
even if it leaves you empty.
it's giving someone the power
to destroy you
& letting them do it
over & over again
& being able to forgive them
every single time

I sometimes dwell on the past
Always around the time of season
When You said
"you're not the one for me"
You had eyes my dear
But I guess you just couldn't see
That I was willing to do whatever you wanted
Me to do
I would be whoever you'd want me to be
I'd follow you wherever under the stars
Even far beyond that
Maybe farther past the sun
But my time chasing after you
Now is done

Today I smoked my last cigarette
Poured my last shot of jack
The reoccuring days of rain and thunder are no more
In the sunshine is now where I'm at

Time has been ticking on
Reminding me its been to long
I've been holding on to a past so dreary
Its time to sing a new song

Though memories are inked onto my soul
They're no longer on my mind
Brighter days, no longer in a haze
Is what I needed to find

I still think about you every single day
I hide the letter you wrote me
And the picture of us crumbled up
In my pillow case
I ripped them off my wall
But I just can't seem
To throw them away

I try my hardest to be so strong
I know the way you make me feel
Isn't right
Its so wrong
So why does your face come into my mind
Everytime I hear a sad song?
The days just pass by
And the nights are just too long

It just hurts the most knowing all
We planned for our lives together
Are now gone forever
And all the words you said to me
Are not important and won't be remembered

Ill forget
Ill move on
Ill try my best
to be strong

But Ill never forget the way you
looked at me with your brown eyes
Ill never forget how you'd tell me you loved me
Over and over at least a million times

Ill never forget when we made love
And how I finally opened up to you
Giving you all my trust

Ill never forget the rhythm of your heart
Ill never forget how you were the light in the dark

But I have to forget in order to move on
I hope that you'll stop me
Before I'm too far gone

Nothing hurts like
Being shot into the reality
Of not being loved
By the one you adore
The only one you want
The one you'd set yourself on fire for
Or drown in the sea for

Oh how he made my bones crack
And my heart slow down
When he told me to go
For I'm not the one who makes
Him smile
So mine surely faded
And will not return until he does

I'm tired of holding up my head
When it surely belongs resting
on his chest
I'm tired of playing this untuned piano
Until my fingers are numb
As my tears stream down my face
And form a puddle on the keys

I'm tired of this agony
And the weight of heartbreak
Weighing me down

I can hardly breathe
And I'm now left shattered on the ground
And now I realize
I should have caught myself
And I never would have fallen

Do you remember
it seems as if it was only yesterday
yet it was almost a lifetime ago
that he left her
and the music that was playing inside her
abruptly stopped playing
and silence filled her hollow chest
where her heart once beat
to the sound of his voice

My heart aches in the best way
Everytime I say your name

The problem is
I can't exactly put into words
The way you make me feel

And people have said it all
Cliche lines used all the time
To express their so called love

In a way you set me at ease
Diminished all my sorrows
And through the dreary days of my life
You were my only source of light

And I thought I knew what love was
But I didn't, because I wasn't with you

I was living in an emptiness
Trying to find myself
And let go of my old ways
I knew who I wanted to be
And where I wanted to go
But I couldn't get there on my own

And I thank you for saving me
And for being by my side
throughout all the troubles
You never left me alone
I've never been appreciated
I've never been cared for
But now, I am simply being loved

I let you in
And with you,
I felt safe
I felt warm
I felt as if I was at home
When I was wrapped in your arms
Life suddenly felt less cruel
And each sunrise
Gave me hope for the future
Our future
Our eternity
But I let you in,
And that's where I went wrong
I trusted you
When I never trusted a soul in the world
And in the end
It backfired on me
You never meant what you said
And here I am left alone
Looking like a fool
I let you in,
I should have never let you in

When I hear his name
I try to hide the excrutiating pain
Deep within me
That's bound to spill out in a way
creating an eruption of
unexplainable and uncontrollable emotions
I try to cover up the way I feel inside
Just like the way I cover up the way I look
On the outside
All I know is nothing really works
Whether it be xanex
Or a tube of concealor
Nothing stays hidden forever

And in my times of despair
When the darkness crept throughout the air
You were the one who guided me
You were the wind beneath my wings
And now, as I imagined, all of it backfired
Everything you said wasn't true
You turned out to be a liar
You were once the stars who calmed me
Now you're just drunken campfire stories
I tell the story of you and I
Sometimes I get choked up
Sometimes I cry
I hope she treats you well
She will, I can already tell
And I'm sorry I'm not what you dreamed of
I just wanted to give you my love
But it wasn't meant to be
Our love wasn't strong enough
I wish this didn't hurt
****, this **** is tough.

I don't mind waiting,
Counting down the continuous hours
As if they're an infinite amount of stars
Up in space
I don't belong here
This isn't my place
But I'll stick it out until the end
Until I finally see your gleaming face

1.) Looking to the sky
The sun fades away my pain
For once I feel whole

2.) *The moon up above
a Mother to all the stars
watching while they shine

He gazes at her
With wide eyes
And his heart of stone
Suddenly doesn't feel as heavy anymore

He has never felt love
But he always did dream of it
A hopeless romantic deep down
But his exterior is as tough as a nail

Everything about her
Makes his heart ache
He pictures his life with her
included in it
Sharing precious memories together
Yet he knows he'll never have her
She will never be his

But he keeps on dreaming

Your fingertips tickle my spine
Your hands caress my thighs
Youre kissing on my lips and my neck
Your eyes look deep into mine
But the truth is
you
will
never
Be in
love
with
me

I guess I'm nothing but selfish
Wanting all of you
But only being able to give you

What is left of me

I'm simply just too numb
I can no longer feel pain
My heart was once located within my chest
And it would beat
To a song implanted
in my body and my soul
forever
I still do recall the melody vaugely
Sometimes I wish I could hear it
Just one more time
Then maybe I could get some sleep  

Where my heart was once located within my chest
Is now nothing but a hallow storage
Keeping and holding possession of a stone
A stone that is cold as ice
A stone that is as tough as metal
A stone that was once a heart
That was as fragile as a piece of glass
But someone dropped it
And what a mess it did make
And it was left on the ground
With no one to ever attempt to
Clean it up, fix it
No one has the time
To put the pieces back together
Plus the cracks would remain
And surely fall apart again
And no one has time for puzzles

And once broken and empty
That storage in my chest was hallow
Hallow enough
You could hear echoes
But there was no sound
The silence engulfs
There was no longer a heart beating
And most importantly,
There was no longer a reason to care

So the stone remains
In the exact place it was mounted
Still just as cold
Still just as hard
Still just as silent

But I still vaugely remember
The rhythm of the beating
Of my heart before it was broken

Play me that melody one more time
Turn this cold stone into
A million little pebbles
And place them in a jar
And dump them into the sea
For the heaviness in my chest
Is weighing me down
I've forgotten what it feels like
To feel
Play me that melody one last time
And make it echo throughout the
Emptiness of my body

Make me feel
Make me feel love
Before its too late

While I'm sitting in the sun shine
I can't help but think about the times it would rain
Because you were by my side then
And I wasn't in so much pain

If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul

Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back

When I close my eyes before I go to bed

It's still your face

In my head

I should try to convince you to stop smoking cigarettes
But I can't help but think you're precious with one hanging out of your mouth
I should wake you up
So I'm not here lying wide awake
But I can't help but keep my eyes locked on your perfection
I should leave
I should go
Before you decide to abandon me for her once again
But I can't seem to walk away

He said "this song is my life"
It was by drake talking about exes
And reminicing and remembering
So I move my leg off of his leg and move to the other side of my bed

I want him to leave so I can be alone
I don't care if he'd call me
I'd turn off my phone
He doesn't love me
Its all pretend
Or maybe its all just in my head

There's no affection he really doesn't care
He's good at pretending
Maybe this is the end
Or just the begininng
Who really knows
But I know I love him
But he'd rather be alone

Where was he when I needed him?
Yeah, he was with her.
I told him delete my number and never to call
He was in love with her
So why did I fall?
Then they brake up and he comes back to me
A shoulder to cry on
A ***** to eat

I'm tired of feeling like I'm second best
I should be number one
I'm not like the rest
So why doesn't he tell me I'm perfect?
Or tell me I'm pretty?
We're back at square one
And I'm full of self pity

Maybe I'll leave
Maybe I'll stay
Doesn't matter
Who cares
I'll feel like **** either way

I was born with a broken heart
I've been shattered for so long now
The pieces are all here
They just don't fit together

I've been mended
Not fixed
I'm fragile
I'm a mess

& if you leave just know
I've been broken before
I know pain like its my friend
I don't mind dealing with hearbreak
All over again

9 months of worrying when he'd leave
After all the time he said he wouldn't
It happend
He's gone

The amount of time and love I spent on you
Has surley been wasted
And it angers me so
I could have used that love more wisely
Maybe on myself