I'd use the last breath in my chest
To speak your name
One
last
time.

I remember those white sheets and the covers pulled over our heads
And my head placed on your chest
I remember the exact rhythm to the beating of your heart
As if it were my favorite song stuck in my head
Replaying over and over again
A melody that floods my mind with memories
You made promises you swore you'd
Never break even if your life
Depended on it
Now look at us,
We're nothing but smoke from eachother's
Cigarettes drifting away in the air
Day by day
And as I lay here replaying those
Memories in my head
I glance over at the picture of us on the wall
Taken months ago
The color is fading
The memories are fading
And so are we

"Doubt everything. Find your own light."
So I shut out the whole world
Believed not a single word a soul told me
And I found you to be my
Source of sunlight

time is but an illusion
it was made into a concrete concept
so man could comprehend it logically
but time has no logic to it
time is nothing
yet time is everything
without the occurance of time,
things would be the same as they were
this time of year two years ago
back when things first began
between he and i
and its odd to think that
that almost 730 days i ago
i didnt even know who he was
and now
i cant ever seem to forget about him
Maybe with each passing day
As the clock ticks away
Time will bring us back
To where we once began

I might have to wait eternity,
But I've got time.

He's an arrogant *******
Who likes the way it feels
When pills trickle down his throat
In a river of lemon iced tea
And the way the smoke from
***** and american spirit cigarettes
Fill his chest
He thinks he knows it all
He tells me stories of when he was a kid
Always breaking the rules
And doing what he wanted
As we sit outside by the fire
And he puts a glass bottle of beer to
His mouth
And I sit back with a smile on my face
Wishing times like these
could last forever
He tells me that what we behold
Is sacred;
That not many people get the chance
To bestow it and cherish it.
He told me that no matter what
He's here for me.
I came up with every "what if?" Scenerio
Never actually imagining that one day
He really wouldn't be here for me
But he reasurred me that there was
Absolutely not a thing I could do
To make him love me any less.
Now that was a long time ago
That was before our lives fell apart
And the words he said
Quickly faded
Just like the remains of the
fire that july night
I remember him also telling me
That sometimes things happen
And sometimes people change
Well,
I didn't ever think
That my own father
Could change his mind
And to think he said
He'd always be here,
Is like saying july nights last forever
And that fires never burn down to embers

And fade away

I fell for a boy
Who wore muddy boots
Lights jeans
Who drove A cummins truck
With stacks on the back
With a confederate flag flying high
With pride
He liked tobacco
Whether it be cigarettes or dip
I remember telling him that they were
Bad for him
He smiled and inhaled the nicotine
Without a care in the world
That was before I smoked a pack a day
As you can see
That was almost a lifetime ago
Because he's gone
And now I'm addicted

There's a reason that the sun arises
Each morning
It is a possible new beginning
for everyone to take advantage of
There's a reason
The waves of the ocean always
Come crashing back onto the shore
It is a way to never lose touch
Of home
There's a reason for the stars beyond us
Burning and Shining
There's a reason for the seasons
That seem to quickly pass by
Except in times of coldness
There's a reason the world spins
There's a reason the moon beams
At night
It guides unfourtunate souls
Who wander and may be lost
Providing light
But along with all these wonders in life,
I'm not sure of the reason
If there's a reason
I stumbled across you
And that's where it began

There was a boy whom I knew
Inside and out
Backwards, sideways, and upside down
I think I knew him almost better than I
Knew my own self.
We grew together for some time
He was by my side through
The darkest of days
Always there to ease the pain
And he was
also there
On the most soothing nights
When life was full of bliss
And we'd sit on my roof star gazing
Talking about what we wanted out
Of this thing called life.
This boy gave me everything,
Treated me beyond wonderful,
But the boy reminded me too much
Of myself,
So I had to let him go.
We were so similar,
Yet so very different,
And the time to say goodbye
Was now manditory.
So we went our seperate paths
And
Things were left unsaid
And bitterness and
Hatred grew within.
I never meant to hurt the boy,
It was never my intention
To cause pain to the fragile heart
Of a boy who
saved me once upon a time.
I don't think I like to admit it,
But I cared about that boy,
That's why
I had to let him go.

Oh The things that you do to your body
To cope with mere emotions
To numb a heartache
To blind your insecurities.
You cut your arms until you bleed
You swallow pills until you can't see
You drink yourself blind
You starve until your bones
Are protruding out at every inch
You cry so hard
You can't even breathe
So you continue to hold your breath
You hide away always feeling ashamed
You have *** with people you hate
You try so hard
But you never succeed
In ending all your pain
So after trying all the alternatives
Which of none suceeded
You decided it was time to leave
This pain behind
So you smiled and waved and said your
Goodbyes
Looked in the mirror one last time
With a sorrowful look In your eyes
And you Loaded that gun
And you Put it to your head

Now the once beautiful you
Lies Dead on the floor

Are you happy now?
Did you eliminate all the pain?
Are you beautiful now, as you rot in the ground?

Many tell me,
That if I can never love myself,
I can never love another,
But this heart beats
Solemnly for love
to be pumped
Throughout my veins
into my blood stream
Filling my body
Keeping me alive
I was created
To love
But the love I have
That is circulating
Through me,
Simply isn't enough love
To learn to love
a
monster
Before I can love
You

In this life you are given
There's too much to uncover
deep within your mind
Your heart
And your soul.
There is much, much more to live for
There is more than what meets the eye.
In no way is living
suppose to be
Where skin and bones are what
Determine you
Or your beauty
The true location for this
Can be found burried deep in your chest
True beauty is hidden
And can only be seen
By those who truly look inside.
In no way is living
Spent being unhappy
Focusing on materialistic objects
Or the deceitfulness
Of money.
Money is not real
Money cannot buy you
What your soul secretly yearns for
In no way is living
Swallowing a couple pills
To make you feel something
when you are numbed
By mental pain
Or heartache.
If you are empty,
May you always
be filled with love
May your wells of happiness
Never run dry
In no way is living
about
letting a man
Sink into your body
Your precious, naked, body
Which is Meant for creating and sparking
A special love connection
deep within your soul
And another's,
Not just for the pleasure of your body's
Fullness & Quivering.
In no way is living
About the opinions of others
Directed onto yourself.
You must dig deep within,
But not expect to find a treasure chest
Full of gold
Salvation lies within.
In no way is living
Meant to be something painful.
When the sun rises at dawn,
You should be rejoicing
You should be at peace
Life is more than just existing for a certain period of time,
Then withering away deep in the earth
What's in Your soul
And what's in your heart
Will continue to overpower
All evil
For eternity.

You just have to find the true meaning of what it is to live.

I finally worked up the courage and said
To the boy who wrecked me
"Did you know I write poems about you, if you want, I'll let you see"

Before the boy could say anything
I decided it was okay
to let him see within my soul,
To see the words I never could seem to say

The boy has bright eyes
But he simply can't see
How much he hurt me
But how much he still means to me

The boy replied
"Well I can say I've never had a poem written about me"
I didn't understand
How could that even be?
And I sat there in disbelief

I told him I've written far more than one
So he asked "how many"
I lied and said "a few"
But its more like infinity.

Now that was it
That's all he said
Now all that's left of his words
Float around in my head

I hope he liked what I wrote
I wish he told me he did
Even if it was a lie,
Because the boy doesn't understand
That I'll be writing
poems about him
Until the day I die

I sometimes dwell on the past
Always around the time of season
When You said
"you're not the one for me"
You had eyes my dear
But I guess you just couldn't see
That I was willing to do whatever you wanted
Me to do
I would be whoever you'd want me to be
I'd follow you wherever under the stars
Even far beyond that
Maybe farther past the sun
But my time chasing after you
Now is done

These words I'm writing down
Don't matter
They never will
You'll never see them
You'll never be able to understand
Or  uncover
Exactly what they mean
Or to what extent
Words are just words
But you can use them to paint
A vivid picture of just about anything
But I don't think words can describe
In detail
The pain that flooded me with your goodbye
And the heart wrentching
memories that circle around my
Mind with no end.
Its very strange another soul could
Have made me feel a way I can't
Exactly comprehend
My heart is cold and icy
And
Pain hit me like lightening
Even in my innocent youthful years.
But then came along this boy,
Out of nowhere
And within minutes of conversing
I felt my heart swell
And within a blink of and eye
just like that
He simply made me feel.
Oh how my fickle heart ached
For his attention
He was nothing but a boy
With bright eyes and a diesel truck
Always looking for trouble and
Getting stuck
But he was not just a boy to me
He was my everything
He was something to look forward to
A spark of light, hope,
In the dark depths of despair.
But he never knew
How much he meant to me
And I guess I never really told him
Either
But time changed everything
We both went our seperate paths
With bitterness aimed towards eachother
I tried to get him to understand
To try to see through my sad eyes
But he wouldn't
And my heart cannot get over him
It belongs to him even though it shouldn't
So I'm enclosing my heart
In a jar
In a mason jar
For a boy named mason

I don't mind waiting,
Counting down the continuous hours
As if they're an infinite amount of stars
Up in space
I don't belong here
This isn't my place
But I'll stick it out until the end
Until I finally see your gleaming face

he woke up one morning,
and the hands he had
were no longer meant to hold me
to wipe away my tears.
the eyes he had,
were no longer meant to gaze into mine
being filled with awe and wonder.
his hair,
was no longer meant for me to run
my cold fingers through
making me feel warm
I remember those moments in time
I'd be memorized by him
his every feature
his every movement,
by the way he'd look at me, and
how he'd
tell me about his father.
but now,
his heart is no longer meant for me
it is no longer beating
to the sound of my voice.

A crow came to me in
my dream
And said
"Tomorrow you will die"
The next morning I awoke and
Had the earge to laugh
I was alive and well
And reassurred myself
It was just a dream
Just in my head.
Later that day,
The boy my heart ached for
The boy I adore
Told me he had to go.
The crow's foreshadowing came true
I'm dead without you

He told me everyday
that what we had
Was far more special
and different than
What Anyone else had.
He said our love
Is the strongest thing to be put on
This earth
Amongst mere mortals.
So why did he decide
The best thing was to
Wait to be together
Because of distance?
I thought our love was strong enough to
Spark fires?
But he told me
We will be side by side
Until the day we die
Someday
But I guess distance got the best of us
And now deep within these bones
I feel some explosion of emptiness.
He will wake up in the morning with new
Eyes
And soon see another girl who makes
His heart flutter
Even if only for a short time
And ill be here
Left behind
Rotting
And forgotten
Because he won't come back
He's already too far gone
I guess distance got the best of us.

Each day I eagerly await your returnal
Even though I know deep down
you'll never
Come back
This town's just too small for
Your ambicious soul
You are always ready to spread your wings and fly
And set out and search for what your
Heart really longs for
You were made for great things
You can do anything and everything.
You'll always be my favorite mistake,
And I'll always be that stupid girl
That you never could have truly wanted
Even though I tried to be what you
Needed.
You were in a hurry to start living,
I was in a dream cloud, distracted from the thought of dying,
We were in two different worlds
I was a child,
You a young man,
And I expected too much from you
And I was broken
And I'm sorry I placed the blame on you
Because it really always was my fault
My wrong doings,
I wish I could re do this all
But now its far too late
You are long gone
And I'm still here

He'll never know
How my entire heart aches for him
Every early morning when I first awake
And every restless night until I fall asleep
He'll never know
That each time I cry
Its because he simply entered my mind
And that memories are stuck replaying
Over and over
And I cant stop it
He doesn't know that each night
I bow my head
And I pray to the man in the sky
Asking,
No,
Begging,
For him to come to the realizations
He'll never know
That its currently 2:33 am
And I'm lying in bed
Restless
With him on my mind
Writing poems about him
He'll never know

Hope
Isn't a wonderous thing
It doesn't deserve
to be praised
To be inked onto someone's body
Hope
Is a coward;
it destroys every ounce
Of your being
Of your mind
Of your soul.
Hope so much for something
it makes
Your body quiver and ache
And constantly lust after the impossible
And once you realize
Its all out of reach
You're left to somehow comprehend;
To try to uncover what not one can fathom
Hope
is a way to
Pretend its all going to be okay,
A way to say that the sun will always shine
Out of the black heartless night
A way to say
That happiness is almost at your reach
And that you're only a few feet away
From reaching the warm sand
And soaking in
the salty comfortingness of the sea
When you
were once stuck in a blizzard of snow
And now you finally are free
Hope
Is but an illusion
Hope so much your
Mind starts playing tricks on you
Promising you what you yearn for
Yet deep down know you'll never have it
Hope
Is just another way
To drive one insane,
Forever Trying to bring back
What once
was.

we sat alone in your car
with the fluorescent lights
shining inside onto you
illuminating every single
perfectly imperfect inch
of your sad face
I turned my body to face yours
and I lifted my hand
and held your face
and you closed your eyes
and I saw a hint of a smile
I found my head nestled
in your neck 60 seconds later
and you were holding me
I said, "you are my favorite."
and I felt your cheeks rise
in a smile as they
were pressed
against my shoulder.
you said, "do you
want to see something?"
I said, "yes, show me"
you pulled up your left
sleeve and you held
out your arm
and I have never seen
something so beautiful
with my eyes before.
my mouth open in awe,
I reached out and
touched the faded
mauve lines
my fingers felt like
clouds caressing
jagged mountain peaks
I kissed you then, still
holding your arm
not knowing how to react
to something like that
I felt so special in that moment
because no one has ever
let me see so deep into them before.
none of the words I speak are
capable of describing
one single part of you,
but if they were the word
would have to be,
magnificent

Oh how I dream
Of our skin colliding
And our souls connecting


Make me feel love

As I stay here where my feet
Are permanately planted
I catch myself seeking you
Watching you from a distance

You seem to be content with yourself
And what you're doing nowadays
But for some strange reason
I wish I could be a part of it
And not feel so astray

But I guess
some fields
just aren't as green as the others
And some oceans not as blue
And I guess that's what its like with
Me and you
You could always do better than me
You could find a blooming flower
Instead of a withering ****

I could have been the sun shining
Maybe just not as bright
I could have been the calm snow falling
Maybe just not as white

I could have been the fire burning
Maybe just not as hot
I could have been a memory
But then you just forgot

I know I'm nothing special
But there is something about your eyes
That won't let me forget about you
I just don't know why

You could have been the captain
To my smooth sailing ship
But you decided you didn't want me
So I was surely left to sink

But truly everyday
you somehow flood my brain

So I'm begging
Please help me
Please come stop this rain

I'm drowning
I need you
To stop all of this pain

But I wouldn't burden you
To help me get through

I hope youre happy
And I hope the sun shines on you

He gazes at her
With wide eyes
And his heart of stone
Suddenly doesn't feel as heavy anymore

He has never felt love
But he always did dream of it
A hopeless romantic deep down
But his exterior is as tough as a nail

Everything about her
Makes his heart ache
He pictures his life with her
included in it
Sharing precious memories together
Yet he knows he'll never have her
She will never be his

But he keeps on dreaming

Do you remember
it seems as if it was only yesterday
yet it was almost a lifetime ago
that he left her
and the music that was playing inside her
abruptly stopped playing
and silence filled her hollow chest
where her heart once beat
to the sound of his voice

I've told myself I'll never forgive you
For what you've done and said to me
But deep down I know you didn't
Truly Mean all that mean ****
I Eventually began to believe
You were hurt, I know I was too
But why didn't we stick together
And try to make it through?
The **** we were forced to deal with
It brought us closer
Even if only for a short time
But that's the past all of the good times
They're gone, all left behind
And I'm left with nothing but
Bitterness towards you
You can't expect me to know what to do
I won't apologize
Even if I realize
You were putting up a wall
A disguise
Its hard for you to show your emotions
To put them into action
So you get mad, an immediate reaction
But listen dad this is my way to say
I don't hate you
I just hate the things
that got in the way
Of our bright days
There were the times you were the only
One I had
When mom was in rehab
we really had
Eachother's backs
But look at us now,
We don't speak a single word
Mainly because I resent the past
The things we once said out of anger
were disturbingly absurd
But this isn't about what you did wrong
Or anything that went on in the past
I just want to give the forgivness
To you, so we can be in peace at last
You know, I need to stop and say to you
There isn't ever a day that goes by
When I don't think of you
When I don't think about all the good things you've done for us all
Yeah sometimes you weren't here but you never let us fall
Especially 17 years ago when I was just born
And you decided to stay with mom and me, when you
Could have just walked out the door
And I will never be able to say how much
That truly means to me
My dad, that, you will always be.
So,
Maybe one day ill have the power in my heart to read this to you
So you can understand,
And know the truth
I love you and
forgive you, dad,
This letter is my proof.

1.) Looking to the sky
The sun fades away my pain
For once I feel whole

2.) *The moon up above
a Mother to all the stars
watching while they shine

Some things
Are not forgotten
Even with time
Passing by
Like when I watched
At such a young age
My father drink and beat my mom
Simply because he "loved her"
My mom is an angel
Yet she was doomed from the start
Being a serious alcohol addict
Since age 15
Getting pregnant with me at age 16
She never knew true love
Her parents lives revolved around money
They showed no love
towards their beautiful daughter
They blamed her for being ****** up
But in all reality
It was all because of them
My mom wanted love
My dad gave her it
Thinking he was destined to fix her
But how could he fix her if
He was also broken?
My mom
Addicted to drugs and alcohol
Was in and out of rehab
Back when I was in middle school
I was so young and didn't understand
The concept and struggle of addiction
So I hated my mom
I believed she left me
At the time a girl needs her mom
The most
I was alone and had no one by my side
Some things are not easily forgotten
Like when I watched my mom
Cut her arms until she was bleeding on
The floor
When I watched her make herself throw up
When I watched her drink herself blind
These things
Are forever implanted in my mind

He was the blue sky
She was the rain
He was the sunshine
Who took away all her pain

She was the black sky
In the middle of the night
He was the brightest star shining Reasurring her
That it will be alright

She's an old untuned piano
With dust on the keys
But he sits down
And makes beautiful music from her
But she never ever will see

He was the smell
After the rain
She was like the seasons
Always eager to change

He tastes like cigarettes and jack
She is at war with herself
Ready to attack

He has the  universe in his hand  
The world in his palms
She has nothing to live for
She sits alone writing song after song

His soul is full of awe
His eyes are filled with wonder
Her heart is much too cold
Down her life it plundered

He is like a warm summer breeze
Setting all souls at ease
And she is like these cold december nights
Always
Chilling
Always causing a fright

"I'm only half without you"
This statement I don't exactly understand
Because its not like that for me.
Without you,
I'm the morning sky without the sunshine,
The nightime sky without the stars,
Dark, and lifeless.
Without you,
I'm the ocean,
But without the salty waves,
Just a bottemless pit.
Without you,
I'm a garden
Full of plants and flowers that refuse to
Bloom and grow
Without you,
I'm snow that melts away
I'm the leaves that change
I'm the seasons that fade away
Without you,
I'm the same as the time
Simply passing everyone by
With no real purpose
Just a reminder that it all runs out
As you can see,
Without you,
I
  am
      nothing.

4am
My bones are shaking
My heart is slowed down
The tears in my eyes
Are falling to the ground

My fingers lay softly on the piano keys
This is my very last plea

I can never find the words to say
So the music helps me drift away
Please baby please
Just tell me you'll stay

My heart is hollow
My chest is full of air
For I'd let all the blood in my body run dry for you
without even having a care

I'm wondering what you are doing and how you feel
But nothing really phases you
You're so strong
You're made out of steel

Unlike me
I'm as soft as clay
Mold me into something
That would make you wanna stay
And You can always have your way

There's shivers up my spine
The stars are never aligned
Because you and I
Are not side by side


So as I play the last notes
I feel as if instead of swimming
I'm just barley staying afloat

Maybe in my dreams you'll come visit me
And we can go drifting
Amongst the seas

There's a boy
Who I've always seen in my dreams
I never saw his face
But I knew he was where my heart belonged

Ever since I was a little girl
I've wished for him
I was afraid
I'd never find him

All I've ever longed for
Is the type of love
That only exists in movies
But I wanted it in reality

So I've searched
And found nothing
I've been left unsatisfied
And also broken hearted

But one day
The sun was shining
And I found the man
I'm was going to spend eternity with

It was so unexpected
But the moment I saw him
Time stopped
Like they say

I knew right then and there
That he was the man I'll one day marry
Even though I'm afraid of commitment

I was stuck in the darkness for so long
And he was the light
At the end of the tunnell

I've never had someone
Who has ever looked at me as
Something special
But he does

I don't know why though

He's beyond me
He's better than me
He deserves this whole world

I guess what I'm trying to say is
That I'm 17 years old
And I found the love I've dreamed of
For all my life
And now I have it
In the palm of my hands
I could never be more thankful

God gave me an angel
Who saved me from myself

I've never looked a man in the eyes
And said "I love you"
And meant it

But with every fiber of my being

I ******* love this boy
More than anything in this whole ******* world

And if I'm lucky enough

Ill get to keep him forever

I'm over you
You mean **** to me
So why do I constantly
See you in my dreams?
I'm moved on,
I'm head over heels in love with someone better
You're long gone & out of my life forever
So why did dream I was looking into your eyes?
Why within my dreams,
I finally didn't want to die?
Why is it that when I saw your face
My broken heart began to race
But that's not fair my heart does not belong to you
For every chance I gave you,
you blew
But then again
I always blame myself
Maybe its my fault you wanted someone else
But if I'm still mad at you,
Why do I see you in my dreams?
This is much more difficult than it even seems.
It felt so real it felt like the old times
It breaks my heart thinking
We had to leave it  all behind
Things could be different
If we both weren't so selfish
To fix the past would be my deep down wish
But I don't care
Atleast that's what I tell myself
But I do,
That's why my heart is in a jar
On the very top shelf
I tried more than once to fix things
But in doing so
Misery is all that it brings
I don't think I mind seeing you in my dreams
But once I wake up
I come apart at the scene