I only want to climb tall buildings when im feeling on the ledge
and I live to love the moments looking down before she says
you have so much to live for and that way is the coward's way out
don't panic, look at me in my eyes and lose your doubt
understand that i'm not leaving, that you are what I am about
I am not your past and your future remains unwritten
you try and convince me of your dulled fangs knowing i'm twice bitten
unconvinced of intent, convince me to relent these words written
try harder to give me my false hopes
and i'll string them together to make ropes
and if a close friend decides that he cant cope...

well let us think positive instead of this dread
there is so much to live for, so much left to be written and said
but don't confuse me for an optimist as this is a detail that should not be missed
not only is that glass half-empty, smell this, im pretty sure somebody spit in it

one who stole my heart
one who has my mind
one who trashed my soul
all were hard to find
one who tested my patience
one who dressed my wounds
one who nurtured my dreams
one who acts the fool
one who gave me butterflies
one whose look could ****
one who drove me bat-**** crazy
one who loves me still
one who i will never forgive
one whose conscience is clear
one who left and never looked back
one whose face is near
one who never knew me
one who thought they knew better
one who taught me about myself
one cute, one smart, one clever
one i wanted with all my life
one who never noticed
one who is the peaceful pond
and one who is the lotus

There is a time in space from which my past I trace-

And try and place my hate

on just a moment- I own it, its mine and I control it

rewind and fast forward, pause it on the good parts for remembrance

and reminisce

except it’s a pestilence on whats left of it, ravaging calm into frenzy

and believers into skeptics

engorged passion pleads for action acting on rage we seek satisfaction only to realize

we are cause

and reaction

affect the cause directly and cause effect to react steady only if

eyes are open and minds are ready

I fear that doubt trumps hope

Hopefully hope doubts doubt as much as I doubt that it does

What I need and where to get it?
What I want and when to act?
Wheres the answer and who gives it?
When is payday and how do I collect?
When to quit and what is my excuse?
Why I cry and where are the tears?
How do I change and will it be painful?
Can I succeed and in what context?
Where is the enlightenment and will I understand?
Why is the clock quickening and how do I stop it?
Did I miss my opening and will there be another?
Are the colors the same and will I be blinded?
What is the reason and is it good enough?
How does it work and why do we try?
Why do we try?

Sopping pillows sleeping
Dreaming always creeping
the ending is tempting
and unrelenting
words fail
thoughts race
brain for sale
feet pace

The light is as sweet as her lips to mine
but your sun dont shine on me
As soft as a flower petal dancing in the sky
but your sun dont shine on me
A feather floating on a breeze
A songbird singing in the trees
but your sun dont shine on me
Pure like lovers first glance
True like warriors last stance
and your sun dont shine on me

Theres never the right words to describe feeling like I feel, even if the right words existed they would fail to properly define how scared I am for myself and my actions and the results that these poor ******* who love me will have to go through.  The very awareness of my intelligence and my unbelievable fortune are for some reason both my only blessing and ultimate demise because the luckiest man in the world is never content.  Im sick inside, im sure im dying.  Why cant I just start over, I know id do it the same, only maybe id see it earlier, maybe I could spare her the pain she doesn’t yet know is coming.