Where did it go?
Where did it come from?
Because in a second,
All was right,
Vanishing in the light,
Of my messy mind.

Flowing in a current,
But then it stopped,
Taking time to come back,
Never quiet the same,
How frustrating and lame.

It's a unfamiliar feeling, yet I know I've met it before
But saying those two words in recent times has been quite different
Quite the laughing matter in fact
Spoken in thoughts cynical and sarcastic
My insane laughter numbing the cold hard truth of a sleepless night
Distracting myself from the impending hours in battle ahead
good morning indeed

This morning however met with those two same words
Is not greeted with that all too familiar awkward laugh
But instead a calm head, and awakening smile
I remember this feeling but still I approach it timidly
For it is a distant memory that left me all too abruptly
So- I won't hold my breath in assuming its staying a while
But I will rejoice in this brief moment that I can say.
Last night, *I slept

little girl, little girl, why do you cry?
you're only three; it shouldn't be hard
mommy & daddy just need a break
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, where's your smile?
you're nine years old; you should be
happy & enjoying childhood
mommy & new daddy are just having another disagreement
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you hide?
you're ten years old; you shouldn't be afraid of him
new daddy is just grabbing a drink
he wont hurt you when he's sober
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you run?
you're eleven, you should stand up for yourself
new daddy didn't mean to hit you or your mom, it was just an accident
& daddy didn't mean to ruin your life
it just seemed to happen after
he took you away forever
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why don't you speak?
you're twelve years old; you should have a say about who you are
daddy & new mommy are just
"disciplining you", don't take the insults personal, darling
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why don't you understand?
you're thirteen; you should be a big girl now
big brother is only doing what's best
for him & mom
you'll be okay on your own
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, why do you harm?
you're fourteen; you should be strong
daddy & new mommy are just angry
& having a bad day today
they didn't mean it when they called
you worthless, did they?
don't be mad at mommy for what happened when she was with
new daddy
if she didn't abort the baby
you & her wouldn't be here right now
your little brother or sister
wasn't allowed to grow
but maybe she did what was right
don't worry, everything will be fine
in time

little girl, little girl, where did you go?        
you're fifteen; stop being so pitiful
words don't hurt, right?
that's what everyone said, right?
how new are your scars, darling?
you must feel terrible
now that your parents know
you're good at hiding the pain
almost too good
thoughts of suicide & scars of
self-harm; you're one of a kind
why did you try to leave?
why are so you depressed?
why are you always asleep?
little girl, are you even listening?
don't worry, the worst has passed

you're already lost.
a.c.

My tears have been free flowing since your leaving
And in moments where discretion of sobs is called upon
The droplets find other means of escape
Some evaporate, fleeing my body amidst breath breathed out
Others wait patiently for sun to open pores wide enough for exit
But despite the success of many I still have more tears to weep.

I guess I make you worry when I answer you call
And I can understand how
When eyes gaze through tired lids and words spoken with dry lips-
But, my love, I am not sad
Though troubles I do have plenty, that flood my timid heart
Overflowing as turbulent seas in teardrops so many.

My Love, remember these tears that flow so often
That are accompanied by weeps and sighs
Come from the heart in loving pain
Since our words get lost upon the breeze, just know-
I love therefore I feel sorrow
I love therefore I feel
I *love

I open my window
and let strangers' breath flow through the screen
just hoping your exhale would be carried
from miles away through my window and onto my neck.
But I already know,
I'm going to be cold in the morning.

I leave my door open
so I can watch the shadows on the wall across the hallway
smear back and forth past my room,
just hoping your silhouette would walk into my doorway
But I already know,
the door will be closed in the morning.

I turn my music on
to drown out the quiet
to block the sound of plastic wheels on the pavement of the late-night-skateboarder
to slur the punctual tick of the clock
to wipe away the sounds of tears upon my cheeks.
But I already know,
the same sad song will be repeating in the morning.

I turn out my light
and pale in the absence,
hoping that when the sun rises in the morning
and its blinding blaze slips through the slits of the curtains
that your smile with be the brightest thing I see.
But I already know,
you wont be here to have your back turned to me.

I pull up my blankets
all the way up to my chin and past my forehead
baking myself in the smells of the sheets
trying to find the scent of you left in my fuzzy blanket from the night in the field.
But I already know,
I lost that months ago.

But I also know,
that I haven't lost you yet.

And I don't plan on it.

That whistling Milkman so long ago
With tunes so happy and gay,
So very little did he know
How well he started my day,

The tinkling bottles
Of milk and cream,
Awoke me each morning
From my dreams,

With happy tunes
From this whistling man,
Brightening the day
Before it began.