your thigh, pressed tight against mine
the shared heat of our bodies travelling up to the blush on my cheeks as you recited poetry,
your voice, nothing more than a whisper,
i could feel each syllable of beauty on the crook of my neck as you inhaled and exhaled each word,
the letters tangled together in my brain, paying no attention to what you were saying, but how you said it,
the way the words consumed you, the way you spoke as if you didn't say these words right now they might somehow cease to exist

and this poetry you quoted in my ear must have been murmured in a hundred different ways, between a thousand different lovers, but it seemed like it was meant only for me
your voice the soundtrack of my mind, as i closed my eyes and soared to different galaxies, fantasy images of you and i, exploring the night sky and filling it with laughter and passionate kisses
to me you were the only person alive
the hitch in your breath bringing me crashing down to the reality of the school building, and the many people that filled its halls

you finished the poem, a little smile dancing across your face
and you told me how much you loved this poet, and as i watched your eyes shining with admiration, i prayed to whatever god would listen that someday you may learn to love me just as much

you were like a drug,
when you were around me i was filled to the brim with ecstasy
and when you weren't all i could think about was how to get another hit, another fix, another glance into your soul
forever desperate to hear the sound of your voice, or to catch a glimpse of your alabaster skin
i was like a ******, filled with longing for the way you said my name, your lips curving around each and every syllable, the intimacy of my name on someone's else's lips
you kept our hands firmly intertwined, and while i know that this was just your way of being friendly i couldn't help but to tuck this information away as evidence of your love,
the way your eyes flitted down to my unbuttoned shirt, proof of your want

as our legs wrapped around each other like ivy tangling on the side of a fence, you remained perfectly composed, unaffected
while i slowly fell apart, a fool in my longing,
you leaned forward to whisper simple truths in my ear, as we traded admissions that barely counted as secrets, stories and guilty pleasures were our currency and our conversations a marketplace
we were rich in our words, overflowing piles of confessions and declarations
drunk with the moment, and the sound of saxophones somewhere in the distance

i woke in the morning, ashamed and afraid, to face your excellence in the light of day, but it seemed you were willing to turn the tables
as i sat in front of you on those autumn red chairs, and i heard the uncertainty in your voice as you whispered to the girl beside you that you remembered nothing of the night before
instead of feeling that familiar wave of relief, what i felt was all the air leaving my lungs, as if someone had just kicked me in the stomach,

the feeling of having my soul ripped out, only to be released into the wild, like an animal no one wanted to tame

The green eyed monster
Is flaunting a little black dress
She's seeing red for you
And now she's blushing, pink and rosy
Because everyone can see right through her.
You make her feel like every color of the rainbow
She'll shine for you
Because you keep her from fading to grey

thank god for the battle
between me myself and i
i've been dancing with my pain
drinking with my demons
sleeping with more than just a little
teenage angst
making out in the back room
with none other than depression himself

i have
so many beautiful things surrounding me
but they **** me
strangle me
smother me
suffocate me
under false promises
broken pretenses

a lover's war
more than a quarrel
a battle to the blood
breaking down to the gravel
am i making love to the devil again?
simply because he
holds me, consoles me, relieves me
of all the problems
he brings into my life
over and over again.

I have evolved due to the pain of this world
Or that is what I would like to believe
But what if, maybe
I have not changed at all?
Perhaps
I have always been this way
Perhaps
The thought that
I could keep every meal down
Was an illusion
Am I a prisoner of circumstance
Or a product of my own mistakes?
I simply do not know.

No one begins purging
In hopes of becoming an addict
In hopes of falling from grace
In hopes of having every bit of control
Stripped from your being
Caused by the one thing
That you hoped would give you control.

I started
Because everything was being taken away
I was out of coping skills
And I needed to get a handle on my life again.
The stress was unbearable
And still is.

I did not expect
That I could not stop
That even if I wanted to
Holding my meals down would not only
Present a mental challenge
But a physical one as well.

My mouth waters when my body wants to purge
Everything I eat
I think of how it will feel coming up.
I have lost friends, have isolated myself
My voice has suffered
My grades have slipped
My emotions are not in my control
I do not sleep through the night.

Who is this person
Or lack there of?
As if I was not already a vacant ruin
Of a once pleasant human being
I have now managed to be the reason
That she is losing everything she ever loved.