so you see,
there's nothing to ensure
that everything we went through
and everything you ever did to me
ever happened
there are no books
with frayed pages & cracking binds
that are tearing apart at the seams
telling our story
in words of black and white
and times new roman
with measly pieces of euphoria
hidden in between the lines
there are no aging, decrepit newspapers
with headlines of innumerable uproars
of when people had heard of
the pain that had accumulated in my heart
and started seeping its way into
the rest of my body
(because no one cared that much honestly)
simply because pf what you did
the promises you failed to keep
and your cool, calm, and caring persona
that you failed to keep fooling me with
the trees no longer whisper your name
when the rain and tree leaves
collide with each other
during a violent yet calming thunderstorm
your awfully large footprints
from where you tracked in mud
on my egg shell carpet
on your way to see me
are now washed away
and it seems as if
you were never even there
your love bites that you left
alongside of my delicate neck
that were once a deep burgundy
have no faded
and no longer show any signs
that your lips were ever pressed
against my body
it was like nothing ever happened
and since nothing was recorded
nor kept or saved
to everyone else,
and even you,
nothing ever did
and unfortunately
that's how it's gonna stay

"please don't think I'm crazy"* you said to me, with a horror on your face,
                                                                ­           that words can't describe
why in the world would I think that?
                      "sometimes I feel, like my bones are fake, and the structure that I am, will soon surely break
                         and all that will be left is a soul and a broken heart, never pieced together right, as it was
                         broken from the start."
I stay silent. You continue
                      "the human form feels so weak, it feels like a densely packed piece of nonsense, where my
                        mind is a fragmented puzzle, bursting at the seams, and then girls like you come along
                        girls like you that make me weak at the knees, and I wonder if my heart is overpowering
                        my endless thoughts of despair and weakness and lack of hope and I realise that maybe
                        if I can't save myself, then in this infinite universe of unanswered questions and unknown
                        possibilities and piles and piles of doubt that add up like the ***** laundry, well maybe
                        if I can't save myself, you can save me"
we both cried, and I held you, and I knew that if you thought you were insane, then I must be too, I told you I felt the same, I let you save me, now it is my turn to save you

Coasting past nature's giants,
I muse about all they could tell me.
Their leaves holding the energy of
100 years' eclipses and smoldering summers.
The day the sun was silent.
Roots drinking up the essence of our ancestors.
The last handful of dirt, sprinkled mournfully.
Rough, weathered skin forever holding two names together.
A boy carving initials into her bark with a shaky hand.
The wisest creatures the world could offer,
Living scrapbooks.
Listen closely,
For the wind that shakes their arms in a waltz
Is not simply a whistle, but a secret.

i
You stand at your alter
All repentant and holy
Praising the Lord to cleanse you white.
You will talk their ears off about being "saved"
With some melodrama of a testimony
Yet, you leave that place with a deceptive heart
Knowing you will sin again
And planning when and where to get your next fix.

ii
Hypocrisy, hypocrisy, hypocrisy.
You condemn those who are different than you are
Who transgress in other various manners.
If you have ever actually *read the Bible
It specifically states that
No one sin is worse than another.

iii
Some churches call themselves "a family"
Well, I can honestly tell you
That members of this stated clan have
Judged me
Betrayed me
Attempted to violate my body
Succeeded in violating my mind.
And others simply did nothing to stop it.
Some big happy family.

iv
Crusty white men
Telling me what to wear
How to act
And what to believe.
It's almost as bad as the government.

v
Baptist camps, although I have always enjoyed going,
Telling me I will go to Hell if I do not do
This, this and that.
Telling me that virtually, I mean nothing.
But if God put us onto this Earth
How can mankind be responsible
For all of its problems?
Something has to give.

vi
All of the interpretations of the Holy Bible
That have been integrated into the Church.
These are human interpretations of God's word.
And I find it shameful that
Many people pick and choose which passages to follow
And which to throw to the wayside.
If a man lies with another man he goes to Hell
Oh yes, that's perfectly literal and true
But women being subservient to their husbands?
I'll just overlook that one.
Is the view of many Christians today.

vii
Force it down their throats before they get a chance to chew
Is that really the goal that God has in mind?
And if they do not follow every biblical order
They're bad?
No, this is the human error that causes many
To run away, fast
In the opposite direction.
Never even giving it a second thought.

viii
The muddled confusion of the afterlife.
When babies die, are they sentenced to an eternity
With the Evil One?
If a person has never been exposed to Christianity
Will they serve Satan?
Is there even a distinct and tangible distance
Between Heaven and Hell
Or is it all just one murky space?
And who is to answer these questions?
People need to stop trying to
Stop playing God
Stop holding themselves to that high a standard.
As you can see,
It's worked so well so far.

P.S.
I don't believe in religion
I don't believe in the politics of anything organized
It all seems too cult-like to me.
I wouldn't say I'm the cliche
"Spiritual but not religious" type that my pastor jokes about
But I don't believe in this controversy, negativity, and often times hate.

I believe in God, and I believe He meant for us to love each other
But I don't waste my time pondering this inquiry
Because I am not Him, as many people try to be.
And honestly, that is how I intend to live my life
Finding good in everyone
Loving the supposed lepers
Showing acceptance to unlikely faces, despite their disparities.
If it is not what He intends for me
Then I'd rather have no part in His plan.

"I'm okay."
Look at me
I want you to really look at me.
Do I look ******* okay?

"It's alright if you don't get around to it
I understand you're busy."
I really need you to call.
I'm crying because no one cares
And I'm ever so used to being forgotten.

"I don't want to die."
I'm not suicidal
But that doesn't mean
That I haven't asked God to take me from this Earth before.

"It's only a test, I'll do better next time."
Expect me to obsess about this
For the next week or so.

"I like going out and being around people."
It doesn't matter if I'm home or out
I'm still isolated and lonesome
No matter where I am or who I'm with.

"Thank God it's the weekend."
My anxiety doesn't take a holiday.

"I love you."
*Please say you love me too.