It isnt fair

that you should end up sleeping with the boy who boldly but secretly, confusingly just needed access to your bed
that the vague notion of your missing friends is actually a blatant  chastisement about your social misdemeanor
That you should feel the urge to withdraw from any and all recreational opportunities because you can already tangibly feel the distressing friction between every differing fiber between both your brain and theirs
It isnt fair that you should be so clever, and resourceful but exposure of such elaborate operations will only occur outside all traditional institutions in the privacy of an empty audience
It isnt fair that you have unknowingly began a retreat from life and dinner with your family to find some solstice from a muddling indigent existence that requires you to obsess over trivial details just so you dont miss the rare gratifying hints of a walking compliment
It isnt fair that you'll say yes to anything you haven't learned from life experience to not want
and it isnt fair that one disadvantage should create others by consequence and default
It isnt fair that my adult facade should restrict my child appropriate responses and its public unrest
or for my simple unique characteristics to ooze the paint for which they'll use to commit my image to memory for the entire school.
I'll have to learn to put up with the eggshells that grind into the soft ***** of my feet when I blindly interact with other expressionless but feeling, thoughtless but intellectualizing people
and it isnt fair for my mortified laugh to be chastised

I  w a n t  m y  h e a r t  t o  s p e e d  u p
I  w a n t  m y  h e a r t  t o  s l o - o w  i t  d o w n
p l e a s e ,  w o n t  y o u  b e  as so silent
s o  t h a t  I  m a y  h e a r
l i m b s  e n t a n g l e d ,  t h e  p e a c e f u l  t e e t e r i n g  s o u n d
t h e  h e a r t ,  j u s t  a s  m i n e
b e a t i n g  u p  a g a i n s t  t h e  s p i n e
l i k e  t h e  l o v e r s  t o u c h
a  s e r i e s  o f  t h e  w i n d - f u l l  c h i m e
O u r  l o v e  i s  t h e  b e a c h ,  a s  s u c h
b u t  t h a t  d o e s n t  m e a n  i t s  a l w a y s  u n e a s i l y  c a l m
s t o r m s  r o l l  i n  t h r o u g h  o u r  w i t s
e v e n  t h o u g h  t h e y ' r e   s o m e t i m e s  a l r e a d y  g o n e
i t s  t r u e ,  y o u  m i g h t  n o t  a s s u m e
o u r  b e a c h  i s  a l w a y s  u n p e r t u r b e d
i t s  i n  t h i s ,  i n  m y  v e r y  s o n g
t h e  b r e a t h  a g a i n s t  m y  n e c k
l i k e  m i s t - l a d d e n  w i n d o w s  o f
t h e  f o r e s t  f r o m  a  r a i n y  d e c k
t h e  s o u n d  o f  s p r a w l i n g  d r a w i n g  f i n g e r  t i p s
l i k e  r a i n  s p l a y e d  r e v e r s e d
c l a m o r i n g  g a t e s
Y o u  g i v e  m e  t h i r s t
h i s t o r i e s  s u b m e r s e d
a l l  b u t  o u r  o w n
y o u  l e a v e  m e  a n d  m y  b r u i s e s  n u r s e d

Y o u  m a k e  m e  l u s t  w i t h  t h i r s t
m o i s t e n e d ,  h u m i d  a i r
Y o u  g i v e  m e  i n s p i r a t i o n
j u s t  a s  w i n d  c a p t u r e s  t h e  s t r a n d s  o f  y o u r  h a i r
,u n r e h e a r s e d
Y o u  s a l v a g e  m y  b o d y  l i k e  w a t e r  f r o m  t h e  f i e l d s
t h r o u g h  t h e  f i l m
y o u  c a r r y  m e  h e r e
a n d  n e s t l e  m y  b o d y  b e s i d e  y o u.
w i t h  y o u r  w a r m t h ,  p e r s o n a l  c l o u d s  d i s a p a t e
I  r e - m a t e r i a l i z e
m y  f a c e  t a n g e r i n e  a g a i n
b e c a u s e  I  l i k e  b e i n g  i n s i d e  o f  y o u

from me."
please don't look at me when I am so far from my being
so far from home
so dismantled and disfigured
but where do you hide yourself when its so clear to be seen
when damage urges to be done
My loveliness is gone when my body is caught between rock and bone
these fingers that grasp me are ******
they don't respect life, trust, or love
they bend it
they break it
they pervert its meaning
and make me document with full detail
the behavior and occurrences of each assault into my bruised hot skin
so that as my consciousness floods back
I have full relocation of my marred behavior
for as long as I have a body to be seen
from the corner of my eyes I't will always be glimpsed
even as I look longingly at you
hoping to reach once more for your soft healing, mesmerizing, touch

and I still get very nostalgic
about the first boy I kissed
and the tentacles of it
not light and fluffy at all
he was my best friend
and I get very alarmed by this life
and how short it can fall
he used to say that
"nobody gets me like you do."
but I didnt know who he was
I still dont know who or what is behind that cloak of darkness
what real stories are behind that bookshelf
and it was alarming and scary and DANGEROUS
and thats how I feel
but who's to know what I feel
because I like it that way
you'll never know whats on my heart
on my mind, on my mind, on my mind
running
in loops
because
it's ****** alarming, and scary and DANGEROUS
its what makes me do what I do
lately
on your computer
The urge to violate the trust
because I am suddanly fearful
that the boy that I love is doing what I said he could
because I wanted your love
I still need it
and here I am
moving in with you
and it's racing in my mind
where's Sonia gonna sleep?
WHERE'S SONIA GONNA SLEEP?
In our bed?
no, your bed
but in my head its OUR bed
the one in which I CAN ALWAYS FIND SLEEP
and its killing me inside
because I said you could because I wanted you to
and I've always been like that
freedom
freedom to those I LOVE!
but I'm crippled when I'm with you
my mind and logic are lopsided
because I'm in LOVE WITH YOU
and it hurts!
I'm FAIR and RIGHTOUS and BALANCED
but it's like you walked on into there
and you hold and grasp
and the tables become violently upturned
and the vases all break
shards of glass and water is EVERYWHERE
EMBEDED in my memory
in the walls of my beating heart
and the glass is carried throughout my blood vessels
and I'm PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING
Oh god AM I PRAYING
that a  little peice should find its way to a major artery
and do me in there!
put an end to my painful existence in your sweet and tender arms
but then
WAIT! STOP!
I'M IN LOVE! AND I LIKE IT HERE!
PLEASE DONT **** ME!
So that I dont feel an ounce of pain
before it hits me like a rock
****** from my heart down to my GUTS
ITS A MERCY KILLING!
Have MERCY on my heart!
ITS TENDER!
BEHIND ITS FAIR, RIGHTOUS WALLS
IT'S SENT CHAOTIC
DISTURBED BY HOW DEEPLY IT FEELS
HOW DEEPLY IT CONNECTS
AND HOW DEEPLY YOU REACH ME THERE!
MAKE IT STOP
BEFORE I MYSELF AM SENT INTO SHARDS
MY PSYCHE IN SUTURES
I DONT LET MYSELF HURT
I GO STRAIGHT TO SCAR TISSUE
Because I made an OATH to myself to NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN!!!
but your healing touch is egging me on
reaching me slowly
and its killing me
with feathery kiss
so kiss her
so make love to her
and I will struggle with the fact that I know
as a Christian God would know
that I am special to you
that I am yours
that nobody will replace me
as you yourself have said
with words and soul parts
and intimate parts
because I value your freedom in the way you value mine
in the way that lights me up
and sets me free
but still I will loose my senses
because thats the first sign that I've allowed myself to feel
to be in love
with you

Theres a sickness inside
a false idea
that wants to be nursed
by the same hands thats wretched me from the truth
the truth
is my home

I could be locked into a room with mothers warm linen
clutching you around me
but theres the wild
as it was never strained from me
and it makes me want to overthrow
the comfort
the security of what is that was never materialized
I want free-free-free-dom
I can accept the discomfort
like wet clothes
holding me like a heavy hostage as I roam
I want freedom, I want mobility
because deep inside of me, I know the truth, without it needing to be performed
so much so that it haunts me
every time you kiss me
even in my dreams
dowsed in the warmth
struck with the urge to pull back from a burning flame
as it encircles around my soft flesh
my hard peircing soul
wants to run from the devils gold
so dont you l-l-l-ove me
love me love me
love me
I am free
but the bars of my heart strings push you aside
like a werewolf
my instinctual nature has me tied
in the wilderness
I go back and forth
on the roads that will bring me further from you
when I feel my dreams
consuming all that I see

I exposed my ******* to the clovers
and the clover reveled in the exposure to porcelain forests
from days of bronze and days of clay
the brothers and the fathers
for the mother
at her feet, kneeling
travel wreaths of holly
porcelain children in their stead
the sun bleached wheel of life is turning
and with the poor man's banners
needles in our fingers lead
blood under our nails
we weave further down our destined columns in the field
in the fields
under an overlaid full moon
lulled together into our lovers bed
lulled together into our mother's and father's homestead
I am moved
I am touched by the ridged shell of the crab
as it holds on
clutches to what the earth has
what it knows
as was done to me,
I will hold this child's hand
the mothers sing and they pant
up the hill we carry with fervent hands
new trees for the Porcelain Forrest
from days of bronze and days of clay
this is where our sun bleached vertical bones will be lain

And I love your Saturn hands
the knotted slim fingers
fixed in your fawn fine hair
long 'round your fine mirror accented face
crystal blue eyes that might otherwise send someone into 10 story ocean waves
should I come too close, I'm sure I'd have more than myself to save
Your dry weathered thumb brush my flustered lips
It looks like we're now apart of the papacy
creating an obvious contrast of our opposing polarities
Something in the way that winter craves to reach this upcoming spring
Hard tailored to the rules of some domestic order
the rigidness in your loving touch
leaves the eyes of my heart wide
Can you walk into me, several times more
It wont break the ties that bind our instincts
but It'll give me tastes of what free people enjoy
Kiss me, with more than what it normally takes
we're both starving to breathe
into another
into another
Just as it rains do we lose your leather jacket
that identity we cant force ourselves to leave
Rain to our face
wettness between our smother
lavish expressons of what we hope our wild selves to explore
water to this drought
for which we suffer and for what reasons no-one spoken truely
can they say

I'm just a stupid Pisces
lost in my own ideals
but no one else will get this, noone else will feel
because when you say I want you
It must mean that you really do
for longer moments than this last stand
i'm drunk off my own unsatesfaction
but being drunk is what I understand

I want to rattle you
your feelings, your thoughts from outside your bones
from outside your self contained cage
I want to hit you
just to make you react and say
speak your soul in a deffinate way
always so silent
even when you speak
I wonder if theres any passion in there
enough to be my rock
I want you shout YES
or NO
your passivity kills my fire
soaked by my tears
plagiarized by all my fears
the loss of energy swindles and swoons
as my heart is consumed

Theres a sickness inside
a false idea
that wants to be nursed
by the same hands thats wretched me from the truth
the truth
is my home

I could be locked into a room with mothers warm linen
clutching you around me
but theres the wild
as it was never strained from me
and it makes me want to overthrow
the comfort
the security of what is that was never materialized
I want free-free-free-dom
I can accept the discomfort
like wet clothes
holding me like a heavy hostage as I roam
I want freedom, I want mobility
because deep inside of me, I know the truth, without it needing to be performed
so much so that it haunts me
every time you kiss me
even in my dreams
dowsed in the warmth
struck with the urge to pull back from a burning flame
as it encircles around my soft flesh
my hard peircing soul
wants to run from the devils gold
so dont you l-l-l-ove me
love me love me
love me
I am free
but the bars of my heart strings push you aside
like a werewolf
my instinctual nature has me tied
in the wilderness
I go back and forth
on the roads that will bring me further from you
when I feel my dreams
consuming all that I see

look at what you bring me to do
to myself
I'm running but it's sinking me
into a deep abyss
where there are lessons to be learned
spirit to confess, thoughts to degress
It's all in your head
its what you do
so quiet this enormas power in the room
I feel it and it pulls my eyes on you
what do you see in those dark eyes
with a cunning to know
wisdoms
beyond speak
There is a cave of wonders
rivers of mercury, diamond tombstones
subdued by the depth of this sea
and it's keyhole is entracning me!
I'm sinking sinking sinking
with an invisible third eye and an attict you gaurd with watchful eyes
I'm staring up into this antique
when I look up into you
and it's watching me
asking what I'd do
Your silence is maddening loud
it brings me in, without steps
I am pulled into your air
I am staring into this deep brown pair
even
In my bed
I feel your energy enwrapping my body before you do
and Hook line and sinking
I am being ****** into you
and youre lost in my dealings
because I need to feel into you

Let. me.
I’m going. to. do it.
I’m going to rip every painstaking petal from my eye
I wont be okay. if the idealization kills the love. I feel
Im going to smash. And. Mangle.
These rose tinted glasses
Over this, Concrete, corner.
Don’t care who’s going to look. and judge
I am the victim
No longer will I look through a pink vial of self possessed poison
No longer will I escape true unconditional love
If there was, a Satan. this would be his game
His oracle.
Of divination.
Well. I said. **** this, I’m not going to believe in its dictation
I’m going to be. my own salvation
From its pink. Innocent. coloration
I’m going to pull, pluck, and wrench
These petals from my eye lids
It’s going to be a painfully beautiful process
Don’t be.
Deceived.
So sweet. how could it. lead you to do harm?
When. in. actuality. it will end up twisting behind my very arms!
No, I wont collaborate to torment this feeling deep inside!
Inanimate object,
Objectifying. my love.
Going to shatter this wall. that you build.
Between us.
Gonna **** this in my fury.
You separate me from my beautiful reality.
Reality, is much more beautiful. than you and I. can conceive!

Shhhhh...
the only sound I want to hear escape your lips
is your breath
amiss in the sweeping endless echo of this ocean
I enjoy the feeling my fragile body
pulled and pushed
in this distance between us
I easily wave away these subtle forces
in my motion in your tight direction
subtlety hides this force that could take either of us by storm
into dark submission
embrace this submission to your skin now
your thrashing heart now
your strong compassionate arms now
sharp rocks amass baby power granules
This is where my feet belong
Shivering in our humility
numb to all but our synchronized vibrations
rocking in our susceptibility
to the depth, the darkness, the knowledge that together, now know
it binds our arms, strongly woven
fragile are we are in each other now
but strong in our conviction
anything could take us now, at this moment
we haven’t any worries
what can fear do for us now?
In the way you fit in the swoop of my neck and shoulder
we are pierced together, forever in this moment
the moon as she witnesses
Perhaps she sees something that keeps her
we are at the bones of mercy, of her power
and your body carried flush against mine
You hold me as if I carry some smoldering deep power situated in me
You are so much stronger than me, its in your grip
in the way you hold unto me
in the battle from which you contain your powerful thumping heart
that speaks so little of my own ******
in this current situation
like I save you somehow
that my presence heals your predicament
smother me in your predicament
so that I may truly feel at your side
carried in that small corner of your heart
breathe into me
your passions
my sheltered trust
your devotion
because while my body was not created to serve you
a small part of my being has been dedicated to you
silently,

Don’t worry
I’ll build you a house in the soft upper spot in my heart
There wont be Barbie’s, or neighbors
And we wont smoke, so we’ll be too good for crystal ash trays
I’ll purchase a porcelain tub so we wont need showers
Our clothes will all be tailored, so we wont need belts
It’s so warm, why not just be barefoot
It suited us just fine as innocent children
so you won’t even need to worry about seeing hard steal or hot leather
Everythings magic so I wont need to pull ropes or need to drag out a ladder
Who needs popcorn, when we have a garden
And the sun is so gracious, mud wont follow us inside
In the soft spot of my heart, its been vulnerable too
but we're still alive

You dont understand Chris
You are the best thing for me
You are a collection of dusty white illusions, desires, love on window panes
the color and tinge of which I am so excitable about
putting up in our new home
your face inspires me to write
like the angels
your face inspires me to be free
the compassion,
if only you knew less,
and more of how much it makes me
sad
because you relinquish the love in my heart
by
folding it half in half, half in half
till there is nothing for the world to be seen
reverted back to where I've been
touched by an untouch
closed
because all of the love that I've known
is not tangible
never tangible enough

I've waited months
I've waited near a year

because how can someone own up to all my dreams
materialize them as all I see
need me
but not enough to enter into security
the commitment of short chance
the security of knowing nothing will always last
and that doesnt make me seem bitter
feel bitter
in the upturned corners of my heart
its that something
something keeps you from rolling into me
something to conceal yourself from me
its not what you want
its not what you feel

if that's the case then why cant I leave?
why cant I walk my spirit out of your life
without you noticing every detail
without some sadness in my wake?
because you want to brush your angelic knuckles across my streaming skin
because you need my mind to guide you, to get inside you
because you dont know
but you like it when you touch me
you talk to me like a concerned parent in your sleep
when I'm fine
quiet, assuming of the worst
because this would, and was the very first
that he's all that he projected himself to be
he loves, and so tenderly, so carefully, so fully
so it makes sense
that he wont give of himself to an item that includes me
and its not me,
you say honestly
but you cant say it isnt you
your perceptions
of what are boundaries
and zipties
isnt true
I'm not like your women
I know what it means to love

I give you air, I give you breath
I give you laughter, and the wind
I give you earth, I give you security
I give you pools to soothe your ridgid mind, to let the heaviness sink and be left behind
a place to allways land, to always fall
EVen when you loose your precious mind
Always know I'd be there to closely follow behind
I give you understanding
I give you your genious
because I have enough of it to not take yours for mine
I know what it means to love
I know what it takes to love you
even if you dont know, its true

mixed up beautiful man
just silence yourself and lets walk away
hand in hand
because I wont take up half your bed
I wont make you build a second-life
from the lies you have to tell your parents on behalf of me
and I wont kick and scream when time comes for life to carry you away from me
and I wont put taxes on my body, because if its my land
you can have it freely
and I wont tell you one thing, then judge you based on another
I wont follow you around the house
I wont take your money
or make you pay my way
because you are darling to me, because both you and I are different from they

you may permit me in
we make exotic dishes of laughter and shared values
over talk of philosophic rapport
childish banter
and gestures of tender philanthropy on each finger tip
on every pressed lip
but you wont give me a key
though it's where I live
this is my home, you've made it so, just for me
you showed me in
you courteously carried my persona into your door
you do me the greatest of services
those that would make any soul well-lived
if I removed any trace of my exsistance you would despair
as you have
but you refuse to give me a key
and without it, it makes it as though you dont really,
actually,
want me
and what most anguishes my mind
is that I always gingerly close the door from the outside
if it werent for my soft touch, and attentive eyes
I'd have reason to believe that something is wrong with me
or my love
when, seemingly, it was made to our advantage
I do the best to support your virtues
and those that disturb the peace
This is where my belongings know their place
This is my home
where I linger after I wake
where I loose myself in the silence
where I drink myself into a stuppor
because my lover wont give me a key
You leave me broken up
but you gather my peaces by light of kindness
You don't understand, I'm hitting a wall
I'm hitting your good heart
your good, muddled, heart
I'm hitting a wall
a hard hard evaluation
of a disturbing
heart-to-heart
of which I never learned of

I'm your free-love woman
and I'd be your free-love woman
if I didn't I waaaaaant yoooou
I love you with everything I got
every candle stick, plate, and mirror I've salvaged
and I'd be your martyr
if I didnt somewhere in the back of my mind
waaaaaant yoooou
y'see lover
I have alot of love to give
that I'm swallowed alive
by those unrepresented in our unprecedented love
The same thing that reprells me baby
brings my heart on stone table, to you
yoooou
yoooou
and I wish it were true
that my service
wasnt a diservice to our love
I wish my chaste love didnt corrupt the good things between us
but you give me the freedom
that makes me want to possess you, by any vague understanding of the word
you give me the respect
that makes me want to disrespect your wishes
you give me the understanding
that makes me ignore your meaning
You arent a veneer
and god I hope you arent just a moment
because I wont have no other choice but to use that moment to cry for all the years
without you to experiance my love, to animate my love, to understand my love
because you get a treasured vulnerable piece of me
that nobody, nobody will ever be wise enough to touch, if to see at all
and it bothers me that those after you
to receive my bits and pieces
because they arent like you. they aren't big enough for the whole thing
wont know who
made it possible
one man, that knew how to hold me at arm and shoulders length
because he knew I needed love, I needed to be touched, I needed my meaning to be felt, I needed to be fed, I needed to be understood, she needed her abstract ingenious to be solved
he wanted, he needed to be that man
and he wouldn't sabotage that with his insecurity or needs
in the way I sabotage our love
for mine

I hate my heart
It keeps tallies of those it's come in contact with
it never forgets
it always lives in every moment of its existence
there is no past present or future in my heart
it is disillusioned
it allways loves
allways hurts
allways trusts
but never knows how to be unforgiving
I hate my heart
it is blind
it allways feels
it controlls my very being
It allways leads
it allways fights
It loves the fleeting
I hate my heart
because it never stops
and when it does
I will find peace in feeling nothing

I am a dreamer
my mind is always dreaming
silence please
as the imagry flows over me, an artist at work
a spiritual master
dreams keep me strong
I am strong so long as I'm able to dream
it makes me weak in the heart
keeps me from folding apart
Dreaming is my ave. Maria
she is always with me, in my heart
dreaming is my messiah
dreaming is my salvation
it leads me where to go
helps me to recognize and to know
it is the breeze that brings me upon the desires and wishes of my heart
containign all that I know
a message I like to impart
it preaches on where forth, I should go
Dreaming is the ideal
it is the amniotic fluid
Dreaming alerts me to the presence of the creator
as they are present in myself
dreaming as would a child
helps me hold onto my light
dreaming as would a lover
enderaing and selfless at first sight
dreaming as does a mother
with endless love and all that is good and right
dreaming as would a spiritual leader
with pure divine insight, from which my actions recite
dreaming protects me from worry and woes
but it gives me an empathetic soul
The power of go
dreaming, causes illusion, to stille my saddness
give meaning and worth to the poor
helps my mindful intentions to soar

Call me fox and I will call you Jaguar

I normally walk the paths
gawking at every creature I pass
squawking loudly, regurgitating my wisdom distastefully
I spoke like coyote
foolisly
I continued on my way, in hopes of a creature large and as fearsome
as fearsome as you
Jaguar
to strike respect and fear into my heart and my actions
so that my meaning would not be soiled by my uncomely behavior
as I stalked you for days on the forrest floor
looking, watching your muscles flow over your skeleton
in a magestically dangerous motion
You can feel me
in the place all creatures feel, sense, and connect
as one
there is unspoken understanding between you and I
oh powerful warrior
and I am to know my place
in the order
you are beautiful and fascinating to me
a worthy objective on my walk
you are a specimen of the wonder of the world
of the god-like integrity and compassion
that penetrates the soul
you leave the marrow intact within the bone
for me to treasure
for my mouth to salivate and consume in haste
but in awe of the judgement you pass
the power bestowed unto you without a single act of self rightousness
we sleep on the same earthen bed
we dream from the same deep sleep
we touch, our stories, our tales of survival
they reach one another intuitively
and so long as I mind my place
silence my ego
I will forever walk beside you, following in your gracious example
as we venture deep with in the forrests density
living vicariously beside one another

I was once a ravenous creature
bit by the words of my upbringers
generations of lies
I was once one of those ravenous creatures
of whom I despise
but I've learned to find my freedom, without cutting all my ties
to the ones I love (I was once a ravenous creature)
to their love  
I've retreated into the deep forrests of my tears
in contemplation I've laid rest, all my compulsive fears
I know my stengths, but I also know my weakness
I am better attuned to this inner dialog, attuned to its inner uniqueness
I was once a ravenous creature
bit by the words of my upbringers
generations of lies
I was once one of those ravenous creatures
of whom I despise
of which I empathize

I'm alright with being crazy
insane, how you think my world is
insane, when your world consists of
crazy instruction
games of follow the leader
quiet disposition
I'm alright with being clinically insane
with it I content myself
I question, thus I am, always moving in and out of frame
inconsistent, as you say
maybe, I'm just in touch
making me clinically insane
Unbound by primary society
I do and say for myself, reinventing
how can I know who I am
if I dont go outside myself
to come in through one of those numerous back doors
perhaps, suppose, I can be found in everything
what lunacy do you make of that
How can I escape something you say is set in stone?
just who are you fooling?
just who is as irrational as to let others do the thinking
they lead you around like sheeple
round and round, too exhausted
too depleted to experience for yourself

Lets travel barefoot into our minds eye, back to dine town.
lets go back to a ****** place, where the winds speak
we can take care of you
the leaves rest on our tongue
and the land is more romanticized
than mankind can content itself with
she is boundless, she has molded herself to provide
from her womb we find comfort, long before the hands have reached her
mortal man could walk the river as the fish overflowed mother earths rift
They spoke of deliverance when they severed your cord from her
and brought you to the garden of eden
The hands
here is your town, no longer a village
here is your food, no longer a crop
here is your shelter
they shelter your head and heart with concrete
concrete made from the materials of different lands
what does it do here? who does it serve?
when the world is made from it's ashes
in a way that is unhelpful to us and those around us
why do we do what is unhelpful?

No running rain, no game.
No running rain, no quiver
What would you do?
But go where your ancestors call you
In the netherworld
They sing
They play pony games and walk across rivers as they overflow with fish
No running rain, we cant let you
No running rain, mother cant give you
What could you do? But go where grandfather calls you
In the netherworld
They laugh
As they dance around the fire they made to celebrate you
No running rain, no space for you
No running rain, mother earth she isn’t on talking terms with you
No running rain, cant go till you can hear them call on you
Oh, running rain youre coming through
Reach and grab a piece of us
and we'll help you.

For the sake of romance, let me pick you up and drag you near
For the sake of romance, allow me to lay down your fears
Say folly on behalf of your future tears
For the sake of romance allow me to draw up and down your spine
with fingers of pure intentions, why I lie
Bury my heart deep in your thighs
Smoothe kisses and altered states
This is no mistake
For the sake of romance
Twist and grind, call upon you now, and make you mine
Show you who has the last say
As you let your suspicions melt and ease away
Stay, my lovely, stay, stay, stay
Because for the sake of romance
I’ll act on what I feel impassioned today
Even though in the end I’ll only scare myself away
Away, away, for you I’ll say
The very things that’ll sullen your days
Pray pray pray that I’ll loose my way
And dry your face
With a mask unlike the complacency I feel today
For the sake of romance
Break yourself over me
Crack yourself over me
It creates loveliness in your demise
In your heart broken, once watchful but now stary eyes
I want to create the emptiness for which I follow
It makes me
for just an instant
feel half-alive
but even then still half-somewhat
hollow

The real question I am asking here
up and over the stillness of cold water, I cry out into this vast world
Will your amiability bid you dance with a skeleton?

or throw her into the *** of the sea
given she trust herself enough to divulge herself in meeting thee

and from the waters you hoisted my unembellished identity with your feeble hands

I have shown you my true self as hard and ridgid
as coarse as sand
wont you display, your darkest primordial wishes
or does it manifest as all that I see you for now?

with insights into mortality will you spare just a tear
in sight of your own morality
for your wounds

it will kindle in me a thirst I've not yet quenched
even as the rolling ocean was wrenched from inside me

perhaps I'm offered this gift, I may very well present a gift for you
You lacked the experience to meet me fully through...

Don’t use that word
that loveless, cheap hotel card with that sham of a fine print
don’t ignite my wrath
by devaluing it’s worth, or even giving it power
ignore it’s event like I do
a purity ring
a shackled serf
don’t cheapen my experience with your experience
of what is mine
don’t touch me
swallow me whole
engross me, emboss yourself into my body
don’t touch me
don’t even bring yourself to touch me
I've been rattled out of my lithe little girl's ribcage
child's innocence
shaken out of my hair
I've been mauled by foreign hands
I've been contained by religious crusaders
I've been trampled by meaning
I've been impaled by silence
I've been wretched from love
I've been stolen by hades
I've become the defining moment of your ego's shameless pride
my meaning has been baffled
it has been led
it has dived instead
to the groves of the underworld
divided in two parts for this equinox of existence
my child’s fingers
pried, wretched, from its golden enlightenment
pulled
by the untouch
and the wrong touch
the false meaning
and the absent truth
I am a survivor
I am my own caged victim
I keep her in my stomach
hidden behind my intestines
immersed in my guts
and my bruised pride
that is where I keep her
from you
and the sensations you evoke
the feeling that rattles my nerves
and twists them in confusion
I don’t want to hear your caricature
of my painful soul twisting experience
or HERS
I am enraged!
I am grieving!
I am rejecting!
I am pleading!
I am split from the genitalia up
and the heart down
DONT REMIND ME
please don’t send me into Vietnam
when I am simply relaxing my levied body into your bed
I haven’t the control
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH
PULL, PULL, PULL
SEVER, SEVER
they send me out
he pulls me in
I send me out
I hope to be tugged gently somewhere far away
different from here
in hopes of a real man
a saintly man, devoid of churchly meaning
and satanic undertaking
to embrace me while my fractures are filled
with porcelain
comfort me in my tears
with your humble arms, hands, thumbs
I’ve lived nightmares
that can’t even be rendered from medieval children’s stories
I am under constant running faucets of pain
I am the active participant in my own narcosis
the sound of screaming children sends me into rooms of interrogation
into a meaning of my own
the death of the world’s morality
sends me into spiraling questions of my own
I am sweating from my own polygraph
I am juggling an urge for a spiritual and triumphant out of place uproar
in a quiet, unassuming, un-related home
I am running barefoot after the stars
until my heart hemorrhages
until my lungs collapse
until my feet are caked with sharp rocks
until these rivers from my eyes run cracked dry
tears pooled from somewhere so deep and treacherous
I dont even know where the water is kept
even with my own fingers in the dam
I trust not the water of prisons
I cannot come within proximity of these wound
You slaughterer of divine innocence
You godless heathen
sacrificing the bodies of small celestial creatures
at the bonfire of your debauched and putrid humanity
you thief of love and light
of trust
and connection
I cannot bring myself into the inner reaches of love for fear of the inner reaches of you
I am reverted to the first thought to imprint upon my soft mind
the soft mind of a small and unsupervised animal
but I can only touch it with my lips and my imagination
unable to bring it behind my mouth
for what pain it has caused me
what paralysis it wrought into me
In my quiet, exhausted body
as it's administered to
in its aloofness
by my own lovely composure of compassion
in it's illuminated internal insight
flittering trust in cosmic righteousness
do I also come to bolster faith
that this baser nature will one day be sanctified
like a burning house, full of plagued infested linen
de-shelved like memories of pain on loop
so myself and all the other victimized creatures can find rest upon thier weary eyelids

born with stars in my eyes, my mother hid me, as her lost pride
from a world better left unsaid, she led me
like Hephaestus, she brought me to my ruin
Persephone to her Demeter
she couldn’t secure me
from the darkness and majesty of the cosmos
carried as a gem, raced as a precious gift
Ruined, am I just now embracing the back of this luminous dark thrown
It's taken me so many stumbles to reach it just here.
take myself a bite, a bite of your ***'s pomegranate and their elixir will make my eyes glitter
and with the pain, my imagination sparkles in cycles once again
Hades, you're also my keeper
your depth provides the outer boundaries between the heavens and the deep cavernous dark
rooting me in a true reality, unkempt and whole
carry me as a gift from the world of light and exhibit the warmth of your darkness
hold me as the morbid message that I am
I am my mother’s vulnerability,
agile like the back of the fawns hind legs
dark like the primordial existence in these pools, so known as my conscious eye

they’ve experienced both sides to every miniscule perception of this existence
and they are sore with painful wisdoms
never, can I stay atop this graveyard loft
because I am forever saturated
forever, reminded of the graves and their meaning.

They push us to the sea
amongst their garbage and their humanity
there is power in the depths of what you don’t understand
decline all that isn’t cash in hand
you push me, you pull me along
but when I straggle, like an old man, you do little to help me along
to the grave that awaits me in this dirt
to the mother and her clay earthen rebirth
for this I cannot stand
for you  or your foolish demands
I find my legs pulling me into the soil, into the sands
To a core of nourishment, as the earth reprimands
My spirit
And unprofitable wisdoms
Nursed off these primordial urges
Sprung from these primordial waters
They wish to nourish you too
Take you to the land your ancestors always knew
But take what you may, take what you can, you’re too fast to sit, to reminisce, to even understand
The power, in your ways
you dismiss
your mind is despondent, to you, your body and your long days
Disturbs and aches away
The life in you decays
The irritation in your eyes flare
For the young and the ancients to prepare
For the rains
They do come
From the druids and their amphibian lungs
The chieftains move in their sunken ocean bed
Heave their damaged corporeal forms unto the shores
As far as their breath can take them and their blindness can see
To where that body dies, and the eternal walks eternally  
To walk amongst you, to change you and heal  the old and the forgotten ones
those you’ve left cleaved and torn
From the wisdoms their ancestors had weaved for them, to be worn
To you, do we sing
Those who are connected to a place that feeds the heart and the mind
Clears all of which was not fore-designed
For this body, for this soul, for all of the wonders the earth ponders to show
Do your deeds
Do them well
If they serve your soul
The earth as our united soul will tell
We have contract
our secrets, with composure, will yell
Amongst the rolling rocks, to the aggravated layers, to those that move above you, to those that travel in the thin air when you kiss.
You would do well, not to dismiss
To no longer remiss

You are
You are
a chiseled statue
a myth, animated under my gaze
tangible flesh under my hands
out of my closeted mind
you are
you are
in essence, a beautiful mirror
of a beautiful essence
For Adonis, I come to understand
my feelings are lulled under your tongue
patience
as my blind senses seek them out
you are
you are
a silent strength
owning to yourself
must I thank
you
this dance
of serpents of ether
smoothing feathery scales over the riddling bones of Lilith
I owe this response to you
For the things you stand for, the truth under which a fined tooth comb scrutinizes
grasps of tickling warm fire conjure my intentions
I am a smooth stone, burning by the illicit form and desire of this worldly hearth
under my arms you reach and you soothe
this idea from the small of my back, out of reach
I walk my thoughts further away from you
to objectify the sensations that pursue
Eros draws
his serrated arrow tip alongside my cool unassaulted skin
should I linger here, I'll find it sheared
and my sanctity tampered
use this silence to displace this feeling from outside of me
so I can take my leave
lay frozen still as I divulge and lavish upon you my disgusting intentions
to my absence
so I can leave
and rid myself of uncharacteristic traits
tempting
butterfly wings fluttering against the underside of my skull
I am not tempted
I do not regress
Eros is unwelcome here
when he speaks of this particular entity
under his outstretched upper lip
I am enraged
what can a boy-youth know of the complexities of the feminine spirit
to which the heart works in unison
my feelings are my own, in a shallow drawer where they aren’t tosseled
arent felt
I may feel the warmth of them under my desk
but I refuse to eye the key
where do you get the audacity
to touch and give advice to one as old as me
my feelings belong to me
not the wild underside of a rooting pig
hunt them mercilessly with your arsenal instead
as your mother-Aphrodite
inspires their sloshed pursuit of an obscured truth
put your maquillage on them
and clear your mind of mischievous foolishness
or vain undersanding

I feel my bones catch eachothers serated edge
as my needs are fulfilled
Am I still free?
without the wood, water, and stream?
with the love of markably beautiful others?
at what cost may I experience these treaures?
what new rules need enforcing
what self of mine will be denied
hindered, rendered captive
to loving connection
I can only be susceptive
sceptical
can I still talk a brief free word with you and resume my adventures?
do you travel along side me or at a distance?
do we meet at speratic intervals
will I ever see you, be with you again?
will you change me?
Will you captivate me from my aunotomy
will our faces morph into another animal?
one that outwitts the world but for who I wont fully recognize without practice
the medicine we make
the rabbit that calls!
I am AFRAID of YOU, MAGIC
magic stirings are the heart
do I decline them out of enlightenment
or nourish my inner works
allow my hearths flourish with flame
warmth
or find sanctity in solomonity in the stary night
chilling
split hearted lovely, wise soul
you dont act from a place of inner direction
disjointed
how do I attribute you to this dynamic but short lived life?
or this mind
mind, heart, soul division
my soul is weary of anything that might take my power from me
I see it in you
I dont have the answer yet, but dont rob me of the question
let me ponder it and my role in this new place

Skinny dipping mind
chewing on my own tie
roll me in a comforter into the closet
wood textures and tecnological delight
as my heart longs for a cardboard box
just a simplistic place
to put ev-anything that means everything to
the simple creature that coos like me
on your words
killing time
my bed is a remote
and my body is so heavy
I cant bring myself up off the pause button
so tired
what do I do with these weary eyes
and a rapid heart
tied to arms of cinderblock
and the enthusiasm I have
when its lost
between the sheets of my bed
the layers of life
esistence on this crust
like pie crumbs in my glass of milk
sentiments lost with the words
as you make me hear your touch
of words
Where do I fit into this world
is it even
a thing

lights, lights
four ways
more ways
traffic
lights, lights
this world is a jigsaw
and my mind, habits
like a snake puzzle cube, ridged
fluorescent lights channeling into pairs of funnels
like eyes that peirce my calm simple soul
like a small petrified animal
about to be crushed
highlighting my nerves
hot like an electrical fire under my skin
like the fiery veins under my wrists
like that of a heroine ******
walking people from the face of the window
walking in from my peripheral vision
walking across the streets
like leather belts tight around my forearms
walking likes needles under my skin
from the front, from the left, from the right, from the back into the front, from the left
like ants, operating endless ribbons of motor vehicles
weaving endlessly dynamic patterns resembling my distrust
3.14159265358979323864264338327950288419716939937510 to 50 decimal places
despite the fact that I'm pulling my head back
my face feels like its plastered against the windows
a policeman of an installed reality man handling me from behind
eye lashes clung to the pane
humidity sticking my hair to the glass
tears warp my deformed perceptions
my tongue pressed hard to my cheek
I'm confused, flustered, how’d I get here
How do I make my case?
flustered, how do I get out?
small holes, air vents, locks, cracked windows
small things keeping me in my seat when I would find more immediate relief in jumping out.
of this pile of fire hoses snaked around me
feet deep around my thighs
It all started as tiles
tiles of a grocery store creeping in, creeping in until I am utterly
consumed, my vision contorted, maimed
my frontal lobes caving in
I keep pulling back
pulling back
and the world keeps coming in
coming in
my eyes are swelling
the tension jerks an anxious laugh
a series of hysterical laughs
like polaroid’s of my humiliation on clothes pins to a
relentlessly ceaseless rope.
my eyes following it like a speeding car until the images of my trauma are spinning into one shameful image like a thaumatrope on gasoline and electric
a spider swallowed by its own intelligent web
my soothing thumbs are rubbing my delicate skin thin
man handling myself to avoid something tragic
I want to knock the wind out of myself
because the magic isn’t helping me now
if I thought the world was invading my inner world then
I know they are now
their perceptions, their perceptive judgment casting eyes, like knives
ripping at the seams of my reality
digging into the once calm invisible cloak around me
tied from behind my eyes
irises like poison bubbling in my happiness, my solitution
if I were alone

I could just lose myself in the soft flexed ball of my body
as I talk hysterically into a seemingly empty room
talking gibberish
Alice in wonderland non-sense
vomiting the acidic parchment
ph balance of my word-feelings
dry heaving once the damage is done
waiting for the laughter and the words
and the breath to punch my gut silent
waiting in torment
in delirium
for the calming effects, the grounding effects of warm micro swiveling textures of a **** carpet
to take me over like a dopamine release
for my high child-self
to come down from the brain-drugs
like **** from condensed crack rocks
someone slipped in the container
that holds my brain
hugging it like a moat
sipping it unknowingly
that this is what would come over

me

Get me on my stomach and rub your stubble-like brambles against my cheek
breathe your humid heated desires on the backs of my ears
and into my coal
entangle your feet in mine
verbalize but don’t make much more than senseless noise, drag it out
sloooow
Grind that ribcage into me
As you make sweet, sweet silent passion into me
Dont get too comfortable so long as you're entwined just as me
Reel me a little further
Pull me back
don’t play too hard
you should know well
it's who we are
I'm more useful when I'm not besot by the torment
of not getting to feel the things that make me fall
Tangibles of your love, the winnings
of our games
I want to be enslaved by your grip
touched by your eyes
With tenderness to my viability
and my liability
I want to be the object of your affection
never the only one
That makes your sensible mind up and slip
Legs and bones tousled
Our heat displaced in-between
warm flesh slipping in and out
we move like one majestic animal
I'll make you move like a victim in my web
of endless sensualities
yowl like a hidden cat
in the dark
if you pounce my softness with your depths and integrity
to the moment
to what we besot
with our foolish tendencies
I'll be like talons
in your shoulders as I kiss your collar, gingerly
open me up, open me up wide
much like you, cringing by your side
let your inhibitions fall,
and your heart, next to me
your vulnerability is my sentimental call
let your head spiral
down my silhouette, hungrily
lay bare your tenderness
so I can sip, you can maul
untilll we fall
to primitive tendency
lap my primordial waters with your lulled tongue
lolling up in the cosmos
like our heroic sun
we know that we’re one

braid your fingers up into me

as we

as we

as we

loose ourselves in faceless time

loose ourselves, lovingly

I won’t own you, I don’t dare possess you outside of this bed

just give me this,

this one meaningful thing

to me in it’s stead

I wanna kiss it
but its so hard
not sure how to bring it against my lips
and then my fingers up and slip
So soft
the place you make between my shoulders as they stand
the truth in your presence
the defautl in your eyes
unlike the lovely demise
in the powerful
but full of histories of deciet and self succumed lies
in a cloud on a pillar high
this is where I thought I might die
but death isnt the only escape
when beauty surrounds you from your mistakes
filters in through your insides
it leads you to a moutain top so high
the snow fall cleans you of your ***** hide
kiss you touch ouy
never call you mine
because I know better

not to contain higher things
clip thier wings

I gave my heart, I gve my soul
to the wronged of those

may I rest by your side
my ribcage exposed
to the love you know
from my touch
from my gental spirit
the light from behind my eyes
that reaches and finally does it touch
you heal me inside
you slip your sweet medicine between my lips
you swindle your breateh of life
I dont fight you with my hips
into my worried eyes
I fear not
not any more
so long as you are here
I can let go of this rope
lay your worried bones next to mine
and I'll do my very best to buy us this time
may the clock stop
as it does for the dead
because we are heaven lieing in your bed

kiss me once
kiss me twice
and I'll kiss you thrice
my worries drop as does this plunder
my thoughts roll from us like defeated thunder
I hold you whole
I hold you tight
I give you the same freedom, I give you the same rights
I heard you speak
of whats in your head
I'm smilling for the things you dont know that of which you said
fumbling in your sleep
you craddle my crown
as I dose myself in the sweet silent sound

I am fawn white
I am pure irridescent light
cloaked in darkness
hidden from sight
so that the goodness might prevail
even during teh trials of night

You, with orbs in your antlers
with moons on your tongue
you dont chase me
I realize I mustnt run
The power with in you
sends me still
even so, I am reeled
for the dangers I've met
for the dreams
I stir
I feel the safety in this allure
you sparkle in my eyes
from inside you
I see us side by side
standing tall
for authority we call

together we are safe
and with tired eyes
I will keep you warm and safe
to any and all expendeture
we are fair
a deiety in of itself
we are desired for being rare

Well, you'll pobablly be in another womans arms in the years to come
but that doesnt faze this thing
welling
that runs through the tunnels and the funnels of this heart
my love
because it gives me conviction when you are weak
it gives you the loving that you seek
and yours
like chemistry
it gives me the wish fullfillment, the dream I'd always wanted to meet
you are my sorrows dry
the tear drops from tears
separated from thier highest fate
transmuted from young coal to old gold
you bring something with you
with that pride welled up in your heart
ike a wise kind serpant
that only seeks to help
only seeks to pleasre it self
to helping me
and those who are comming
you have the ancients in those eyes
considerable, and powerful
they recognize the same power inside
me
I didnt need your acknowledgment for it to be here
but without it
I wouldnt be here
it would die whith te last morsels of my heart
to a kindly but devious part
Ive been called from the old story books, then
when the gods were our best of friends
but now I am here
in a world that is no longered catered to
because of fear
the children are blind and weak
and recognition, friendship wa all that I really ever seeked
with shoulder bones of gold
you reached into me
and saw something old
saw something untouched by the hardships that has the power to turn something beautiful
decreppid and old
not that Ib havet
havent felt the shiver of the cold
by my own small fraction of foolishness
because I listened to what this life had shown
but all the while I thought of you
even while others ran me through
this same kindness isnt wasted on you
it gives me great pleasure to do
all of this for you
because you dont look down on me
yu see yoursef in my glee
and I see a young god
with a youthful nourished body from the glitters its mind contains
like a wise stag, you've lived your ife as not to shame
the wisdoms and truth carried in your name
you make love to me
my wounds you clearly see
My lovliness dare not loosen themselves from me
my spirit is wise
and its beauty
its heart
its demise
but I am safe with you making love from behind my thighs
I am recognized for the creature I really am
not the kind to still be walking the land
but with your face in mine
my eyes flicker with a hope, completely consolidated

by your firm touch

your firm kiss

upon my soft halo

we are

the same creature

Why do I give so much of my power away when its my beauty that makes life stay
I know
I do myself in, again and again
I know
But is it possible that I've had some sort of help
holding in this type
form of a yelp
I think immaturity is casting your eyes from
the immature side to you
sometimes it feels to be hurt
sometimes it feels to be foolish
to break your own heart
sometimes it feels to be jelous
Sometimes it hurts to be you
because not everyone can see
for all that you have been and feel enternally
can be
not just anyone, if anyone
can crawl into your crawl space
and some dont know marvel at what they find
some kind of different precious jewel
envy is just a curious lense over your beautiful eyes
and does it hurt
to know that this too is part
not of you
but the world for which you were created to play
created to grow
and to delay
you arent yourself darling, you arent yourself darling
and thats okay
because I find you so so so beautiful
and even with those devious sinful
mornful eyes
crying, holding behind
there is a beauty that justifies
so untouched

being a human is acting a foolish runt
but dont despise
no dont despair

its just a rut

from which you were taken
with worldly hands
and cast upon the shadows of the worldly lands
from your home
on those sweeping hillsides
in the tender of a vulnerable, sweet, sweet heart
like sweet cherry juice licked from the palm of a tender loving hand
my sweetheart
to which you've always belonged
always felt at ease
at being at home
you know not of displeasure

yes, being alone

isnt it nice to know what you're not from what you are?
from those feelings that parade their lies
up and down
your comely spine
this fortune reveals your ownly demise


being. so. beautiful.

The touch, it makes me weak it makes me strong
makes me feel that I belong
when I reach
and become enthroned under your arm
I belong

to the skin and not the deceitful lies
to the nature that is mine
those evil ugly spies
that despise
my internal
eternal
purity

there's a body pressing inside of me
holding me
from wriggling free
and when my guilelessness breaks from it's digging piano wires
and I lay
my desire to be touched
on your skin

theres a small opportunity
though
I'm mute
each tear length finger tenderly on the edge of your consciousness
touching like pen to paper
of my inner fears, hopes, disposure
and even so gingerly
I know
I know you feel me
and its depth
it's radiating heat
before I come

I'm a child with my cheeks pressed to a screen door
I move as though my body should ******* like dried mud
as though my yoke is exposed

but surprisingly
I've the hunch to know
that you feel my heaviness
to know the weightlessness I feel
in my soul
you reach with your minds eye around its negative space
and feel its sorrow
though it needn't be real any longer
because the lies are fake
you move like a ghost in my soul
through the layers of my existence
until you reach my blinding light
that smiles with blinding stars
and cries with pools of joy in every corner of my face
in spite of the darkness that tries to influence us
influence as it may, to block me
I know you see me
because it permits me to breathe
loosen the strings of this
of the injuries
of this mask
of what it has taught me
digging raw behind my ears
through the experiences
that cant do more than to try to contain me
the person, the essence, I adore above all else

When this cast is cracked
my lithe body
my bones tumble out
like a newborn animal
exhausted
into a tender pool, locked lovingly around your body
with your will
and its silent attentions
I'm safe to empty
to heave the waters of my deepest
perpetuating well
with agonizing throbs of pain in my arms
to feel the weight
live the weight
to finally know it's release
If I desired, or I so choose
I could flood the very color from my eyes
I can do this very thing
You must know the feeling
behind my face
when I lunge the gallons from my linen canvass
Thank you
for this safe place from the world and its composing times, overseen by your perceptive silence and compassionate lovely gaze

Lover, I don't mean it
but I mean it when I say
shake god and his higher pursuits from your head
I, as your lover, more than others
know
of its sacred connection
but beloved
Come back to bed
God
he has all the worlds philosophers
most renown
in his temple
at his table
talking as men do
whereas mine
it's left disheveled
with nobody to see to its hearth
dance as cobras do
it's once youthful fame
dies as the last remnants of its flame
go untended
go converted
to god and the higher pursuits from your head