lights, lights
four ways
more ways
traffic
lights, lights
this world is a jigsaw
and my mind, habits
like a snake puzzle cube, ridged
fluorescent lights channeling into pairs of funnels
like eyes that peirce my calm simple soul
like a small petrified animal
about to be crushed
highlighting my nerves
hot like an electrical fire under my skin
like the fiery veins under my wrists
like that of a heroine ******
walking people from the face of the window
walking in from my peripheral vision
walking across the streets
like leather belts tight around my forearms
walking likes needles under my skin
from the front, from the left, from the right, from the back into the front, from the left
like ants, operating endless ribbons of motor vehicles
weaving endlessly dynamic patterns resembling my distrust
3.14159265358979323864264338327950288419716939937510 to 50 decimal places
despite the fact that I'm pulling my head back
my face feels like its plastered against the windows
a policeman of an installed reality man handling me from behind
eye lashes clung to the pane
humidity sticking my hair to the glass
tears warp my deformed perceptions
my tongue pressed hard to my cheek
I'm confused, flustered, how’d I get here
How do I make my case?
flustered, how do I get out?
small holes, air vents, locks, cracked windows
small things keeping me in my seat when I would find more immediate relief in jumping out.
of this pile of fire hoses snaked around me
feet deep around my thighs
It all started as tiles
tiles of a grocery store creeping in, creeping in until I am utterly
consumed, my vision contorted, maimed
my frontal lobes caving in
I keep pulling back
pulling back
and the world keeps coming in
coming in
my eyes are swelling
the tension jerks an anxious laugh
a series of hysterical laughs
like polaroid’s of my humiliation on clothes pins to a
relentlessly ceaseless rope.
my eyes following it like a speeding car until the images of my trauma are spinning into one shameful image like a thaumatrope on gasoline and electric
a spider swallowed by its own intelligent web
my soothing thumbs are rubbing my delicate skin thin
man handling myself to avoid something tragic
I want to knock the wind out of myself
because the magic isn’t helping me now
if I thought the world was invading my inner world then
I know they are now
their perceptions, their perceptive judgment casting eyes, like knives
ripping at the seams of my reality
digging into the once calm invisible cloak around me
tied from behind my eyes
irises like poison bubbling in my happiness, my solitution
if I were alone

I could just lose myself in the soft flexed ball of my body
as I talk hysterically into a seemingly empty room
talking gibberish
Alice in wonderland non-sense
vomiting the acidic parchment
ph balance of my word-feelings
dry heaving once the damage is done
waiting for the laughter and the words
and the breath to punch my gut silent
waiting in torment
in delirium
for the calming effects, the grounding effects of warm micro swiveling textures of a **** carpet
to take me over like a dopamine release
for my high child-self
to come down from the brain-drugs
like **** from condensed crack rocks
someone slipped in the container
that holds my brain
hugging it like a moat
sipping it unknowingly
that this is what would come over

me