It isnt fair

that you should end up sleeping with the boy who boldly but secretly, confusingly just needed access to your bed
that the vague notion of your missing friends is actually a blatant  chastisement about your social misdemeanor
That you should feel the urge to withdraw from any and all recreational opportunities because you can already tangibly feel the distressing friction between every differing fiber between both your brain and theirs
It isnt fair that you should be so clever, and resourceful but exposure of such elaborate operations will only occur outside all traditional institutions in the privacy of an empty audience
It isnt fair that you have unknowingly began a retreat from life and dinner with your family to find some solstice from a muddling indigent existence that requires you to obsess over trivial details just so you dont miss the rare gratifying hints of a walking compliment
It isnt fair that you'll say yes to anything you haven't learned from life experience to not want
and it isnt fair that one disadvantage should create others by consequence and default
It isnt fair that my adult facade should restrict my child appropriate responses and its public unrest
or for my simple unique characteristics to ooze the paint for which they'll use to commit my image to memory for the entire school.
I'll have to learn to put up with the eggshells that grind into the soft ***** of my feet when I blindly interact with other expressionless but feeling, thoughtless but intellectualizing people
and it isnt fair for my mortified laugh to be chastised

I  w a n t  m y  h e a r t  t o  s p e e d  u p
I  w a n t  m y  h e a r t  t o  s l o - o w  i t  d o w n
p l e a s e ,  w o n t  y o u  b e  as so silent
s o  t h a t  I  m a y  h e a r
l i m b s  e n t a n g l e d ,  t h e  p e a c e f u l  t e e t e r i n g  s o u n d
t h e  h e a r t ,  j u s t  a s  m i n e
b e a t i n g  u p  a g a i n s t  t h e  s p i n e
l i k e  t h e  l o v e r s  t o u c h
a  s e r i e s  o f  t h e  w i n d - f u l l  c h i m e
O u r  l o v e  i s  t h e  b e a c h ,  a s  s u c h
b u t  t h a t  d o e s n t  m e a n  i t s  a l w a y s  u n e a s i l y  c a l m
s t o r m s  r o l l  i n  t h r o u g h  o u r  w i t s
e v e n  t h o u g h  t h e y ' r e   s o m e t i m e s  a l r e a d y  g o n e
i t s  t r u e ,  y o u  m i g h t  n o t  a s s u m e
o u r  b e a c h  i s  a l w a y s  u n p e r t u r b e d
i t s  i n  t h i s ,  i n  m y  v e r y  s o n g
t h e  b r e a t h  a g a i n s t  m y  n e c k
l i k e  m i s t - l a d d e n  w i n d o w s  o f
t h e  f o r e s t  f r o m  a  r a i n y  d e c k
t h e  s o u n d  o f  s p r a w l i n g  d r a w i n g  f i n g e r  t i p s
l i k e  r a i n  s p l a y e d  r e v e r s e d
c l a m o r i n g  g a t e s
Y o u  g i v e  m e  t h i r s t
h i s t o r i e s  s u b m e r s e d
a l l  b u t  o u r  o w n
y o u  l e a v e  m e  a n d  m y  b r u i s e s  n u r s e d

Y o u  m a k e  m e  l u s t  w i t h  t h i r s t
m o i s t e n e d ,  h u m i d  a i r
Y o u  g i v e  m e  i n s p i r a t i o n
j u s t  a s  w i n d  c a p t u r e s  t h e  s t r a n d s  o f  y o u r  h a i r
,u n r e h e a r s e d
Y o u  s a l v a g e  m y  b o d y  l i k e  w a t e r  f r o m  t h e  f i e l d s
t h r o u g h  t h e  f i l m
y o u  c a r r y  m e  h e r e
a n d  n e s t l e  m y  b o d y  b e s i d e  y o u.
w i t h  y o u r  w a r m t h ,  p e r s o n a l  c l o u d s  d i s a p a t e
I  r e - m a t e r i a l i z e
m y  f a c e  t a n g e r i n e  a g a i n
b e c a u s e  I  l i k e  b e i n g  i n s i d e  o f  y o u

from me."
please don't look at me when I am so far from my being
so far from home
so dismantled and disfigured
but where do you hide yourself when its so clear to be seen
when damage urges to be done
My loveliness is gone when my body is caught between rock and bone
these fingers that grasp me are ******
they don't respect life, trust, or love
they bend it
they break it
they pervert its meaning
and make me document with full detail
the behavior and occurrences of each assault into my bruised hot skin
so that as my consciousness floods back
I have full relocation of my marred behavior
for as long as I have a body to be seen
from the corner of my eyes I't will always be glimpsed
even as I look longingly at you
hoping to reach once more for your soft healing, mesmerizing, touch

and I still get very nostalgic
about the first boy I kissed
and the tentacles of it
not light and fluffy at all
he was my best friend
and I get very alarmed by this life
and how short it can fall
he used to say that
"nobody gets me like you do."
but I didnt know who he was
I still dont know who or what is behind that cloak of darkness
what real stories are behind that bookshelf
and it was alarming and scary and DANGEROUS
and thats how I feel
but who's to know what I feel
because I like it that way
you'll never know whats on my heart
on my mind, on my mind, on my mind
running
in loops
because
it's ****** alarming, and scary and DANGEROUS
its what makes me do what I do
lately
on your computer
The urge to violate the trust
because I am suddanly fearful
that the boy that I love is doing what I said he could
because I wanted your love
I still need it
and here I am
moving in with you
and it's racing in my mind
where's Sonia gonna sleep?
WHERE'S SONIA GONNA SLEEP?
In our bed?
no, your bed
but in my head its OUR bed
the one in which I CAN ALWAYS FIND SLEEP
and its killing me inside
because I said you could because I wanted you to
and I've always been like that
freedom
freedom to those I LOVE!
but I'm crippled when I'm with you
my mind and logic are lopsided
because I'm in LOVE WITH YOU
and it hurts!
I'm FAIR and RIGHTOUS and BALANCED
but it's like you walked on into there
and you hold and grasp
and the tables become violently upturned
and the vases all break
shards of glass and water is EVERYWHERE
EMBEDED in my memory
in the walls of my beating heart
and the glass is carried throughout my blood vessels
and I'm PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING
Oh god AM I PRAYING
that a  little peice should find its way to a major artery
and do me in there!
put an end to my painful existence in your sweet and tender arms
but then
WAIT! STOP!
I'M IN LOVE! AND I LIKE IT HERE!
PLEASE DONT **** ME!
So that I dont feel an ounce of pain
before it hits me like a rock
****** from my heart down to my GUTS
ITS A MERCY KILLING!
Have MERCY on my heart!
ITS TENDER!
BEHIND ITS FAIR, RIGHTOUS WALLS
IT'S SENT CHAOTIC
DISTURBED BY HOW DEEPLY IT FEELS
HOW DEEPLY IT CONNECTS
AND HOW DEEPLY YOU REACH ME THERE!
MAKE IT STOP
BEFORE I MYSELF AM SENT INTO SHARDS
MY PSYCHE IN SUTURES
I DONT LET MYSELF HURT
I GO STRAIGHT TO SCAR TISSUE
Because I made an OATH to myself to NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN!!!
but your healing touch is egging me on
reaching me slowly
and its killing me
with feathery kiss
so kiss her
so make love to her
and I will struggle with the fact that I know
as a Christian God would know
that I am special to you
that I am yours
that nobody will replace me
as you yourself have said
with words and soul parts
and intimate parts
because I value your freedom in the way you value mine
in the way that lights me up
and sets me free
but still I will loose my senses
because thats the first sign that I've allowed myself to feel
to be in love
with you

Theres a sickness inside
a false idea
that wants to be nursed
by the same hands thats wretched me from the truth
the truth
is my home

I could be locked into a room with mothers warm linen
clutching you around me
but theres the wild
as it was never strained from me
and it makes me want to overthrow
the comfort
the security of what is that was never materialized
I want free-free-free-dom
I can accept the discomfort
like wet clothes
holding me like a heavy hostage as I roam
I want freedom, I want mobility
because deep inside of me, I know the truth, without it needing to be performed
so much so that it haunts me
every time you kiss me
even in my dreams
dowsed in the warmth
struck with the urge to pull back from a burning flame
as it encircles around my soft flesh
my hard peircing soul
wants to run from the devils gold
so dont you l-l-l-ove me
love me love me
love me
I am free
but the bars of my heart strings push you aside
like a werewolf
my instinctual nature has me tied
in the wilderness
I go back and forth
on the roads that will bring me further from you
when I feel my dreams
consuming all that I see

I exposed my ******* to the clovers
and the clover reveled in the exposure to porcelain forests
from days of bronze and days of clay
the brothers and the fathers
for the mother
at her feet, kneeling
travel wreaths of holly
porcelain children in their stead
the sun bleached wheel of life is turning
and with the poor man's banners
needles in our fingers lead
blood under our nails
we weave further down our destined columns in the field
in the fields
under an overlaid full moon
lulled together into our lovers bed
lulled together into our mother's and father's homestead
I am moved
I am touched by the ridged shell of the crab
as it holds on
clutches to what the earth has
what it knows
as was done to me,
I will hold this child's hand
the mothers sing and they pant
up the hill we carry with fervent hands
new trees for the Porcelain Forrest
from days of bronze and days of clay
this is where our sun bleached vertical bones will be lain

And I love your Saturn hands
the knotted slim fingers
fixed in your fawn fine hair
long 'round your fine mirror accented face
crystal blue eyes that might otherwise send someone into 10 story ocean waves
should I come too close, I'm sure I'd have more than myself to save
Your dry weathered thumb brush my flustered lips
It looks like we're now apart of the papacy
creating an obvious contrast of our opposing polarities
Something in the way that winter craves to reach this upcoming spring
Hard tailored to the rules of some domestic order
the rigidness in your loving touch
leaves the eyes of my heart wide
Can you walk into me, several times more
It wont break the ties that bind our instincts
but It'll give me tastes of what free people enjoy
Kiss me, with more than what it normally takes
we're both starving to breathe
into another
into another
Just as it rains do we lose your leather jacket
that identity we cant force ourselves to leave
Rain to our face
wettness between our smother
lavish expressons of what we hope our wild selves to explore
water to this drought
for which we suffer and for what reasons no-one spoken truely
can they say