Somehow my schedule comes up as a discussion
as the four of us sit around filling out thank you cards
"I don't understand why he did that, filled up that spot
where he could sit in a room with his closest friends"
says the boy in the corner of the room
where the slight bit of sunlight in the room doesn't reach.
She's stays silent next to me
but across the room, where the sunlight dies on his shoulder
I can see his lips forming the same thing i've heard a million times
"Why did you do that, Brandon?
why you did you fill up the time sitting there with your closest friends".
I don't even let him speak
"Those aren't my friends"
I say adamantly
"Other than you three, that room is completely acquaintances or enemies.
I sit there in the corner, shaking in my chair
as my ex and her friends glare at me.
And you're telling me that's a better spent half hour than doing what i love?"
they hear little of that and respond quickly, with
"Never saw you two go out, you never did".
I'm shaking now, *******, what business is this to them?
she talks quickly next to me
"I remember that, they did"
nobody questions her directly, but I'm not done-
"No, we never went on a date
she kissed me on the last day of school and it went from there
But it felt fake.
even when she said she loved me more than chocolate.
It kept feeling like a game, like she was playing with me.
And then she just disappeared
for a month, a full month, she was gone.
and then she broke up with me
and as soon as school started she began to erase me.
So, no we never actually went out
I don't even know if we were ever really a couple,
But those eight kisses I managed to find in that month
were the closest physical contact anyone has ever made with me.
so when I see her in a room now, I have to look away
so I don't look at her,
study her face
and find faces I no longer know glaring at my face.
So-
to answer your original question,
I scheduled the poetry club on thursday
because Mr. Pierson has mock trial on friday"

And tonight I sit here in front of thiis screen
wondering what actions my mind will let my body perform
wondering what thoughts my body will let my mind think.
this is my downfall, the reason I will be trampled
by my peers as they become real people.
more than the way I have been bred;
to have no opinions
to not  talk
to have no life.
more than that intraceable bit of laziness;
this is my downfall
The fact that I've always been two people,
a body and a mind.
And they are  always fighting,
themselves as much as each other.
both are like a transplanted *****,
fighting the other
but i have no medication.
so most nights i just sit here and watch me fight with myself.
neither ever wins
and sometimes I think half a person is better than both.
This has taken place forever
since i was first tall enough to see my ugly face in a mirror
and my mind revolted from it
and so for every second since
my mind has turned my body toward the mirror
and my mind has turned my body the other way.
but neither love themselves:
my body has left countless scars on itself
and my mind screams at itself so loudly sometimes
that other thoughts are impossible.
This is why I'm broken
why I spend five hours awake just sitting
with a pile of homework
that grows
and grows
and grows
sitting in front of me.
and i stare at it
as three wars continue within me.
I stay still so as not to wake the armies
so I don't lose
but the piles growing
and I'm losing as i sit here

I've been seven months
I've posted Forty-Two poems here
Forty-Two pieces of me
Thirty-Four of those have trended.
I have had
ten-thousand-sixty-five views
and three-hundred reactions
In only seven months
thank you,
every one.

I didn't recognize him until I walked by and looked back;
Standing straight up
he towers over me
by a head or more.
his voice was less hoarse than i'd ever heard it
and he had a small smile under his mustache
as he said my name
and asked
"how's it goin?"
I smiled back
"pretty good, you?"
our conversation didn't last
half as long as it should have
and i felt rude
breaking away and walking off,
waving at his daughter and son-law
as they sped by me
and around him
honking and laughing
as they flipped me off
so i returned the gesture,
and walked off laughing.
down the road
down the hill
thinking I should have talked longer
I owed it to him;
I've known him six months or so
but I've known his kids for five years
and his family is mine-
he is my father
just as much,
if not more
than my actual father.
and I actually like this man-
I worry about his health
on a daily basis.
but seeing him standing straight up
and hearing him speak in a clear voice
is a comfort,
so i smile as i regret not talking more

When I was younger
I realized that if I only liked one girl at a time
only thought about one
I became obsessive and never ended up with her
lately i've realized-
If I think about several girls at once
and tell myself
I'll give the thoughts of the others up
If I ever
end up with any of them-
I don't get obsessive,
I get confused
but confused is not obsessive
confusion limits how extreme I allow my emotions to become
but having any feelings at all
for a girl
is enough for me to fall for her if it ever comes to that point
but tracking multiple lives
and often getting so extremely confused
leaves me unable
to break through my shyness
and anxiety
to take a chance with any of them.
Just because I write about other girls
don't assume i'm not thinking about you
you're here
I just find it impossible to write about people who may read
what i've written about them.
I write about you
in my head
but rarely write any of it down
sometimes I hope you do the same

right now-
I hope you read your name out of this
and aren't offended

The title comes back to me
and suddenly
at 1:38 in the morning
I have the urge to hear that old song
that she still tells me after listening to
(leaving a ;) that always confuses me)
since that was our song,
or rather,
my song when I could think of nothing but her
my song for two and a half years
my song for every second she avoided me

and then everything got better
and somehow, in some conversation
I mentioned this song
and it became ours,
or rather
hers for every broken heart
hers for every second spent alone
hers for every confused emotion that she harbored

and I helped sail away.

and at the end of every verse of this song
i smile and cringe simultaneously
as her name is said
and I wonder how she really feels
wonder if she's spent as many long nights as me;
lying awake
hoping somebody would come along
somebody perfect, who cares more than anyone ever has

wonder if she's ever thought my name
in a moment like that
wonder if she's ever thought my name
ever

I need to stop wondering
and ask

glare at me all you want grandma
but you know i'm just showing him I'm entitled to a life
and i'm tired of the lies
and shaking till i can't stand whenever he comes near.
tired of the misery and the boredom and fear.
tired of coming home at three
tired of having to hide the fact that i've learned to be me.

we need to stand up
and break off all these pairs of handcuffs
he's put on us over the years
before I get the **** out of here
and settle myself down thirty miles and a ferry
away from this place
where i don't have to see his face
or hear his words
which drown the world.

so *******, im gonna take a ****
at one-thirty in the ******* morning cause i'm tired of this.

Tired of you making yourself casserole at midnight
just to avoid the fright
of him slamming the door open
to scream about how you're wasting power using the oven
to make food he won't even eat.
first thing i'm gonna delete
as soon as i plant roots someplace else?
the memories of my own ******* father as the devil and this prison our hell.

we've gonna stand up and show him we're right
cause i'm tired of always losing the fight
and having to take a **** in the middle of the ******* night
to avoid his sight.

you're own son:
42 years and you're **** well done.
My father:
17 years of drifting farther
from him
on his own whim.

lets stand up
while our mind are still focused on this bump
that seems sewed
into our road