My Father loves me
My Father pains for me
My Father cries for me

His Son loves me
His Son pains for me
His Son dies for me

"Your boy ran away"
Someone says of me
"Your boy runs every day"

I run from my Father in Heaven
I hide from Christ, my redeemer
I cower from the Spirit, my breath

Daily I attempt to leave my Father
Daily I betray my Savior
Daily I pervert the Spirit

"I will find him"
The Father says of me
"I will pay a price"

My Father knows me
My Father sees me
My Father sends for me

His Son comes for me
His Son lays down for me
His Son pays the price for me

"You are enough"
My soul lies
"You can do it yourself"

Incarnate He became
Lost, poor He became
Human He became

Tired, hungry, pained
He was God in flesh
Stressed, betrayed, depressed

"You don't need help"
People lie
"You can stand on your own"

On the cross for my iniquity
The Son paid the ultimate price
And the Father found me

In the great sacrifice of the Father
The great price paid by the Son
In communion with the Spirit

I have been found
I have been saved
I have been redeemed

I will run no more
I will hide no more
And I will trust all the more

I remember when we lived in Paradise
I remember dwelling with God
I remember walking with the Father
I remember talking with the Son
I remember conversing with the Spirit

I remember the beauty that God had made
And I remember the fruit that was for us
I remember the animals that I named
And I remember the perfection there was
I remember having a relationship with God

I remember that day
And we left the garden
I remember being against God
And ourselves, and our children
I remember the sin I fell into

I remember telling my wife we had to go
And I remember leaving
I remember the tears, the pain, the regret
And I remember the blood
I remember this curse I brought

I remember my son
And how he killed his brother
I remember my son
And I remember his sons
I remember how they perverted God

I remember how they were pagan and wicked
And the flood, when they were destroyed
I remember my son, Noah
And I remember his righteousness
I remember the iniquity of even Noah, the righteous

I remember the sins of Noah's sons
And the pagan worship they began
I remember my son, Abraham
And his son Isaac
I remember the sacrifice

I remember Isaac's sons Israel and Judah
And the iniquity of their nations
I remember Egypt, and their god
And the slavery of my sons in the land
I remember the sins of my sons

I remember my sons in the desert
And the 40 years of sorrow
I remember them entering Canaan
And the beauty of the land promised
I remember the promises of God

I remember the promised King
And the seed of the king to come
I remember Judah and Israel
And warring among themselves
I remember the iniquity of my sons

I remember the sins of my sons
And their people scattered
I remember the pain and sorrow
And the exile they were given
I remember the loss of a people

I remember my final Son
And His gift given to us
I remember His death
And how He paid my debt
I remember the guilt

I remember the Father
And his assurance to me
I remember the Fall
And I remember the Spring
I remember it all

I remember that all deaths are mine to bear
And I was the founder
I remember the sin that comes with my name
And better yet, the grace that comes with His
I remember the name of Jesus

The river moves steady along
Down the stream the water flows
In the course set long ago
Parts of the river flow peacefully
Places where the fish swim
And people gaze onto the calm creek

In some places the water flows to a sudden drop
Where the water roars down the fall
Splashing below the cliff
Then flowing normally again
Moving steady along
Down the stream the water flows

On another region of the river
The water rushes through rocks
Through gorges and pits
The water roars in the Rapids
Here the fish don't come
For they know there lies danger

I see a fish lay dying on the rocks
Rejected from the dangerous rapid
How I am like the fish
Thrown from the once peaceful stream
Onto the dry rocks with no help
How am I not like this dying fish?

From the once-peaceful stream I have been thrown
Rejected by the violent rapid
On these rocks I now lie
With no one to assist
But along the violent river lives a man
Of whom I do boast

The man gives living water
Water that heals
Water that gives life
Water that resurrects
On the dry rock I laid
Until the man dropped me into a bucket with that water

The water wetted my scales
And my gills welcomed the oxygen
As I could breathe again
The water was sweet
And it was clean
Cleaner than the muddy river water

Then he poured me back into the ***** river
But the clean water remained with me
And I swam along the river
Never to fear
For I had living water
And will never die

I sat in front of the toilet
Suffering through this painful toil
My legs straddling this porcelain hellseat
My arms hugging and latching on
I then feel the sensation in my mouth
And I feel the saliva gathering under my lip
The terrible nausea in my stomach increases
Until my body lurches forward
And my stomach releases its wrath

After three or four repetitions
The sickness is gone
And the toil is over
After all the pain and suffering
The toil and snare
My stomach is settled
All is well
And I will continue on
Without the pain of this nausea

How my life is like vomiting
One moment, all is well
One moment, life is good
But the next moment my stomach churns
The next moment I am pained
My once-peaceful life has fallen
And I dread the anxiety of what comes next
I know that in moments my pain will increase
In moments, my current pain will be nothing

And just as I *****
I go through momentary pain
It feels as if it will never end
And then just as I cease to *****
My trials also cease
My hard times will reach an end
And my stomach will no longer pain
My life will pain no longer
As the ***** has passed from my system

Until another time
I am done dealing
For like ***** is my life
Passing painfully and quickly at times
Ending times of anxiety and fear
Showing the end of my pain
Then coming and going again

This road has been windy
This road has been painful
This road has been confusing
But I wouldn’t trade it
I wouldn’t go back on what is done
I don’t regret even a minute

I remember that snowy November day
I remember the anxiety that I held
And I remember learning a lot
I remember the weeks that followed
I remember learning about this girl
And I remember that final decision

I remember that rainy December day
I remember almost vomiting
And I remember pouring out to her
I remember the great feeling
I remember knowing that girl
And I remember the painful week

I remember that dark January night
I remember the tears we cried
I remember the tearing apart
I remember the weeks that followed
I remember the pain that came
And I remember the pain remains

I remember that cold February night
I remember dinner with Josh
And I remember his big question
I remember deciding to wait
I remember preparing for pain
And I remember the hope I still hold

I'm prepared to continue down this road
Even though she's only a friend
I know the pain may be great
And the time will linger
As I walk along this road and wait
Hoping for paths to cross again

I know this could all be in vain
That it may be permanently done
That it won't be worth my pain
Even in these realizations
I do hope this is worth my time
And contains no regret

I know waiting is never easy
And I know time passes slowly
That not all ends well
But I won't abandon
I wait and see
It'll be a while before I leave

For now we are separate
And it hurts like hell
So I'll do all I can do
I love her the only way I can
I'll love her as her brother
And maybe one day I love her as myself

Some will criticize
They will question my sanity
Some will say move along
They will say not to linger here
But shouldn't end well, it'll be worth it
It won't be in vain

"And if it is in vain?”
They'll ask me
“Then I'll have learned”
Learned about pain
And the grace and healing comes with
I'll know the road well

And I know she's worth waiting for
I know there's something good, should I make it across the sea
I seen each deep part
The parts that lie broken and empty
But also the deep beauty of her heart
And I know she'd be worth the wait

I know if in the end we become one
That it will be worth the wait
It will be well worth the pain
Because she'll be worth it all

And if in the end we are separate, so be it
Better days will lie ahead
And if they don’t, the best days are yet to come
She and I will find love elsewhere

For now I’ll wait
And one day it may pay off
And I’ll praise God
Or it may not pay off
And I’ll praise God

My ship is sinking
The ship I built is falling into cold waters
The ship I steered is being swallowed by the sea
My ship sinking
My men are dying
And I, the captain, will fall with his vessel

This vessel has run her course
And she is accepted into the icy water
Where the men will surely die
As their lungs fill with water
Few will survive the icy tide
And I, the captain, will fall with his vessel

In the cold open ocean
Hell has been realized
As I hear horrid screams
And see floating corpses
The men of this mighty ship
Have fallen with their vessel

I, the captain, has ran his ship to her death
Where she will fall into icy waters
Never to sail again
Always to be lost at sea
And I dream of a land
A land I will never see

When my body hits the water
I feel cold for but a moment
Then a numbing feeling takes
And I float in the lukewarm water
Never to walk or breathe again
I, the captain, has fallen with his vessel

Then I sink into the lukewarm water
Struggling to breathe again
My lungs ached, my body pained
And I knew I would not breathe again
In reflex, I inhaled
And in came flowing waters

My lungs filled with water and salt
My throat, mouth, and lungs sting
Stinging with the burning of the salt water
Until my eyes shut
Never to open again
As I, the captain, had fallen with his vessel

Fourteen train stops
All that separated us
From the separation of three months
Each stop bringing us closer to reality
Closer to the realization
That we would be separated
Not to see each other
Three months
Fourteen weeks and a day
Ninety-nine days
Two Thousand, three hundred, and seventy six hours
Hundreds of thousands of minutes
Millions of seconds
Too long for my impatient heart

But in the grand scheme of time
When all is said and done
If we end up one
What is that time?
If in the end we are one,
We will have decades,
So what is a quarter of a year?
It makes me feel better
But it doesn't make it much easier

In ninety-nine days
In two thousand, three hundred, and seventy six hours
In a few hundred thousand minutes
In a few million seconds
It's not too far from now
And even if it was