I'm not afraid to say it,
I'm afraid of the dark, but not that
the lights are off in the house type dark.

I mean that true darkness that middle of the night standing outside, you can't see your hand in front of your face dark.

The type of dark where every noise you hear gets your imagination racing with the thoughts of impossible creatures lurking in the night, or the escaped killer waiting for you to slip up and step to close to the bushes or tree your walking past, and then that's it your gone.

So you take off running down the street like an idiot only to make it home time and time again unscathed and perfectly fine mad at yourself for letting your imagination get the best of you saying never again will I let myself be so stupid running away from nothing.

Only to repeat the same actions the very next day.

I played trouble with the Devil today.

He told me he was bored, he was tired of torturing the massive sinning hoards.

It started when he pulled me out of a crowd waiting to be punished, and began to ask me about my family and friends, and how my apartment was furnished.

He then led me to his house and it was strange cause I'd seen it before and as we stepped inside I realized it was the house I lived in as a kid in Flossmore.

He then headed to the kitchen and asked if I wanted a drink, it had been years since I'd had anything so hell yeah was all that I could think.

He laughed and handed me something that looked cool and crisp, I didn't hesitate I grabbed it, and took two big sips.

As I looked up I could see him smiling grinning from ear to ear, he said do you like it I call that the Devils ****, it's my very own home brewed beer.

He pulled out the board game and we began to play and the whole time he talked about his trails and tribulations and what he ate for breakfast that day.

He told me of his sorrow his love and his former boss, he told me how they ******* up the story Paradise Lost.

On and on he went for what seemed like weeks, and then finally he said man I'm getting tired I'm going to go get some sleep.

So he showed me out the door gave me a pint of ***, patted me on the the shoulder and told me to come by tomorrow and we'd go out for some fun.

I walked slowly back in line thinking man I ****** up, if there was any hope in getting out of here that's gone the Devil actually likes me, ******* it I'm stuck.

I cheated, and for that I apologize I was the one who was supposed to keep you happy yet I brought tears to your eyes.

Apologies mean nothing at this point and I know that. This isn't some game I can restart or rerack.

Cause I ****** up I know it's true and when I think about it I see the baby and how it's gone too.

Now when I say its, I mean the baby's life, cause I took that away when I left you as my wife.

It's all my fault I'm responsible for your death, and yet I tried to make it all right and bring you into this mess.

Me and your mother weren't working not even in the beginning and yet we thought having a baby together would keep us going on, and living.

But instead we brought only your death, and I shed many tears for you, and there are still nights I can't rest.

Cause you didn't deserve it, and nither did your mother but I was a cowered who couldn't tell the truth that I was in love with another.

So instead I just left, and left you to die. While you mother stressed herself as she would lay on the ground and cry.

Please, forgive me not a day goes by I don't think about what I did. I know I don't deserve it for taking the life of my kid.

I know it doesn't mean much, and like I said there's no meaning in an apology but for what it's worth please understand I'm sorry.

So caught up in my emotions I feel more like women than my girl.

Might as well give me a dress and some curls.

But then a thought crossed my mind maybe every man thinks like this. Its just I express it, and when people judge me I get ******.

Not to say women are soft I don't mean that at all.  I've seen some women do things that would make men fall.

But the difference is that women are free in a way that a man isn't. Some stupid stereotype that says what a man is and isn't.

Like there some unwritten rule about what you can and cannot do, no tears be a man and be tough its what I'm supposed to do.

But what they don't see is that before any of that I'm a human being, just trying to take in the world, and make it, and right now I'm only dealing.

Because emotions and feelings are in our name there's no way to separate the two there the same.

So every morning now I wake up looking at the ceiling and I ask my self what am I, a human being?

I don't really know what I want to write today.

My heart is pounding hard and my mind just wants to fight today.

I know there's something there, a topic I'd like to share, and get whatever is in my heart out of there.

But the truth is.......... I'm scared today

I wanted to write lines that told of happier times then maybe something good could come out of today. 

It seems that the future is getting darker and my past is even harder to remember today.

The job has let me go without warning now I flow in a river of bills and problems that I didn't think I'd have today.  

So I'm searching for a job with a face like I could take on a mob because, I don't want my family to sob and, I don't want them to be scared today. 

I'll make it look fine, want hold up a store or a sign and take my daughter to the park today.

I'll hold my wife's hand and tell her I have a plan so she wont have to worry today.

So I make a quick 50 here and 100 there. 
All the while searching to make one thing clear.

I swear I'm going to make tomorrow brighter than it was today.

I'm so in love with you I don't know what to do. 

Looking up at the sky and stars and I still see you. 

Lost cause your always on my mind and I can't break free. 

Didn't think someone could have such a hold on me. 

You can break me so easy and that's what scares me the most. 

Heart pounding mind racing I must give you a toast. 

You broke threw me, I've told you everything, And your the reason I sing. 

The *** is amazing but it's not what makes me stay at all. 

Cause you understood me when I was lost and wanted to fall. 

Your smile is so bewitching I can't help but stare, but you keep pushing me away from your heart like you don't want me there. 

I'm not saying that life with me would be perfect cause nothing ever is, but I'd make everyday special for you and our kids. 

That's if you'll have me, I pray you'll say yes. 

A life with you is what I want and I can't settle for less, and neither should you I just want you happy. 

That other guy your talking to can't compare to the love that would come from me. 

I know you say I don't understand but I'm trying to see, but I don't see how you could be so mean even when you love me. 

Love I know ain't simple how can it be and I know your afraid to be hurt but that's not the person I would be. 

I can't even write anymore it hurts to much and I can't sleep. 

As I lay looking at the darkness that seems so deep.

Maybe we'll be together at some point down the line, and I could make you happy till the end of time.

Why am I so caught up with my feelings why can't I let them go, anger and frustration are with me every where I go.

Sadness comes at night just to say hello and jealousy and envy are around when you're not here or when you walk out the door.

Self loathing is always present when I feel alone, telling me I'm stupid and ugly and that's the reason you're not home.

And they have become my friends because they always keep me company, but there was a time when happiness was always with me.

And when I think of those times it's when you were with me, and I realize the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free.