You kiss the same way that I expect a father to kiss his child.
Tenderly, and with such hesitation that always made me wonder
exactly what it was about me, that made you recoil in horror
as I proclaimed my love to you, season after season,
as summer fell into fall,
and fall beckoned winter to kiss at the trees leaves,
and spring lapped at the frost bitten grass and provided
life to the ground in which we spent every Sunday morning
walking upon.

I often asked myself precisely what it was about me that you did not like.
Maybe it was the way I tucked my hair behind my ear,
or didn't even brush or care for my hair at all,
or the way I can never finish a book,
or finish any exams or tests,
or even a piece of writing I proclaim to be 'my best piece yet'.
Or maybe, it was the same thing about me which my father
protested to hate before he left.

You've got a pair of strong hips
That pull me in with muffled lies
I've got a pair of soft lips
That you lean into with tired sighs

You've got a pair of bright eyes
That adjust to mine too seamlessly
I've got a pair of dark eyes
That are lost inside your scenery 

You always know just what to say
I fall apart a dozen times a day
We're just living in this dizzy game
Three years later, I still haven't
figured out how to play
You cracked my foundation every which way
But you're the one constantly reshaping the clay
I know that everything I touch is left in disarray
*But I won't sleep
if you don't stay

I can see the pain breaking through his porcelain shell and billowing out of his lips. Now he's lying with his back against the cold tile floor & his arms wrapped around his stomach just to soothe the empty void growing beneath his skin. I breathe his name in my sleep. I dream about him behind the steering wheel, the reflection of his shoulders unfolding in the rear view. We exhale a layer of smoke into the lifeless air that hangs over my bed. I can feel my lungs giving in & leaning tiredly against my rib cage. He does the same & it makes my entire body ache. Have you ever thought about how much you missed someone while lying in their arms? The vacancy in his voice shatters the flood gates behind my eyes. I'm crushed by the blankness of his stare. I remember watching his face morph into a playground when he was laughing out loud, but no pill can resurrect that expression now. All that's left are twisted veins, and worn out organs floating in a sea of champagne. I rest here, waiting for the day they sink & he gets dragged away. I spent 18 years as a calendar hung between a set of revolving doors, apathetically watching people come and go with every season that changed beneath my feet but he unhooked me from that place and whispered life into my ear every night. Now I'm looking at his shaking hands, a light shade of blue & every inch of me is weakened by the knowledge that it's his turn to walk back through.

When the last memory says
I have to remember
all the layers that whisper in these rooms.  
My fingers become blind
to the passing warmth of years
my lips have forgotten
way too soon.

I always knew
the rambling name
of the nights when I smiled
at the voices of the stars.  
This is when I felt the air lingering
inside of a time
when I knew I could stand
where you are.

Faded hours fall
from my childhood scars
like solemn words set fire in streams
to all I speak.  
Still, I accept your arms
and give you all my love,
knowing.......
no breath of mine will sleep.

A knowing is left
like a sound subdued in my ear,  
and I savor the notion
that your words lie underneath.  
I read each line
one more time....until,
the end of us
is a tear
I'll never weep.