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bluevelvet Jun 2017
Did it take a month?
Maybe it took a year?
Was it five minutes?
How long exactly was it
For you to turn it into a joke?
Did you even mean it?
Probably not.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.
bluevelvet Nov 2017
Shhh

Hush now

It's a secret

Stop now

He doesn't care
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found
bluevelvet Dec 2017
I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you
bluevelvet Jun 2017
It's dwindled and
It has completely burned out
Over the years and summer days
But you made me brave
And all the things
I was too scared and powerless to do
I did all of them
Whenever it came to being around you
And all I can do now
Is find myself writing about you
Nothing is able to make it up to you,
The props from long ago
Will be gone when you're done
You took the memories,
Refreshed my burdened mind
You left them behind
And now they're all mine
And I'm doing this because I need to
I could never fix it for you
But I'm making it right with me
To find ultimate inner peace
bluevelvet May 2017
Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone
And you're gone
bluevelvet Jul 2017
You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you
And I could go have fun too but im weighed down with my lifes burdens and my familys too and I don't have any clue what to do because I've never felt so alone and all I have is just...this and it's just a phantom feeling because you're gone and you're living life and im down here, frozen like i never crossed your mind and maybe that's fair and i just want to dig deep so i can not only remember how you wiped my face with your thumb but the way your skin felt on my face because that's what i need right now and it's never gonna be what i feel again
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I wonder if I did
The right thing with you
Would you be here today?

Would you get bored,
Find something better and
Eventually walk away?

That's the mindset of someone
Who was told they weren't good enough
At a young age

I'd search the world
To find out who you really were,
Creat delusions of you caring
But not about how I look
Or what I'm remembered for

Just caring about me

And maybe you would have
If I never met him,
It's been a whirlwind for so long
At least your guessing game
Is as consistent as me
Ruining everything
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I looked for the same kind
Green and 7 ruled subject
But with my consistent luck
There was none to find

So I bought the closest to it
I don't know if the pages will fit

I've tore out four pages so far
And I keep losing focus
In the way that I always do
But it's not lost on other things
Just the things I wonder if you
Would have liked to do
If you'd like this
Or if you'd like that
But then I remember I'm fat
And you never liked me anyway
I just can't fit it in a perfect poem like you

And I wonder if you'll get the notion
To search this place in 10 years again
Will you still see how everything I write
Will still have a part of you in it?

And do find an inkling of respect
Tell me how great life is
Leave the foot shaped mud tracks real deep,
Tell me how the I Do went,
Kids and everything
Make sure it hurts

But I'll sit here,
Write about the things I remember
Somehow tell him it's obviously about him
If there ever is another him
And he'll ask why I'm looking at the floor.

"Old habits die hard, I guess."
bluevelvet Aug 2017
I'd come get my things,

Help ease your mind of my existence

But I don't have enough sunrises

To make it back to that foreign land again

And broken plastic,

      E l a s t i c hearts,

They may just be things to some

The kind of some's that have no business

        Touching those things

Makes my very own wolf want to

   Claw my way to revenge

But I have sunsets
that tame that in me,

My greatest sunset that tried it's best

             To exist for me with only

Friendship in return

But selfish was my downfall,

Selfless now,

            I exist to prove it was not

Wasted time and wasted secrets,

    It was not wasted laughs and hidden meaning

This sunset brings me out of the dark

     In a way I cannot explain except

          This owl is all the light I need,

   I no longer grind my teeth and

I try to do better for the home

          That had found a new home

While I was on my way back
bluevelvet Jun 2017
To show life is truly not fair
You made sure I existed
For something that is no longer there
Did it taste this bitter
When I said the same thing?
When I loved him and forgot you?
And when it finally got better
How sweeter did it taste than
Anything to do with us too
Sometimes life isn't fair.
bluevelvet Jun 2017

Critical observation.
Blink of an eye,
You'll miss it.
But you promised you'd do it,
Hang it up and let it be seen
Behind your shoulder after every bye
And have you put more pictures up?
Kinds that out radiate ones with
Actual sun in them?
But you told me you'd play that song
If you haven't so I'd know
You said you would finish the song
When you know you found the one
And 144 months isn't just this past month
North and south,
South and north
You're up and down and I wonder
Should I still be holding on?
I did hurt you,
I did break your trust in me
But you hurt me too
Maybe, somehow.
bluevelvet May 2017
Is it safe to say
that you're a better man today?
Is it clear enough
that I acknowledge your contentment in this life?
Have you found
everything you have looked for?
Is it obvious with the way
they find time to make you blush?
Years have passed and
it doesn't fully make sense.
Horrible like a deceiving snake,
I spend my life asking what if.
Doomed to life of hell,
it's what's deserve,
it's what I get.
Year's later, hard to forget.
And honestly, that's the
worst hell that could
ever be foreseen.
Scraping ice of windows,
time has no defeat at your hands.
Living with seeing bear and
never knowing,
a life spent in despair.
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I could be anyone I want
The craigslist killer,
The boy scout that helps you cross the street
I could be a hundred million things
Do you know who I am?
Have you heard of me?
The way I lie and contort myself to be
Exactly what you want?
Have you heard of the good that I do?
Or did you just hear the bad?
Does it shine brighter than my strive to be
Accepted and given a chance?
I want to paint galaxy's with my words
And touch souls with my feelings
Have you considered yourselves not actually better than me?
Have you tried?
Have you reached out?
To really know me, to bust open the skull
To learn me.
What have you done?
bluevelvet Dec 2017
I know you
Four eyes
And a nerd
Heart tattoo

You knew me

And I wish I could
Say this to you

But maybe this isn't you
I hope you're happy and
I hope life is fulfilling

I hope you go to amusement parks
And listen to so much music
I hope you're full and
I hope they don't treat you

Like I did
Heart tattoo,
Hand tattoo,
Sleeveless hoodie,
Lip rings,
Taylor swift
Italian *smack*
Mmmm
That's good
bluevelvet Jul 2017
He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me
bluevelvet Jun 2017

Before my mind
Decides how
Utterly wrong I am
And how it doesn't even matter
I can tell you
How life has not been kind

'Cause you've gotten tall
And I'm still
The bigger they are
The harder they fall

And my life was ruined
From lies that
My deceiving mouth
Decided not to be consumed

And my skin
It's marked with beauty
That isn't so holy

And my lungs
And my liver
They're blackened by
A hand that quivers

And my mind,
My mind is an unfinished
Encyclopedia sized novel
With no end in sight
It never rests,
Always full of fright

But there's still
Big plans and big moves
And I've never been one
That was ever good enough
But that doesn't stop me
From ever truly giving up

And I despised you
For maybe a week
Because you were so loud
And full of light that I seeked

And I find ways
To numb the constant pain
Because I no longer have
The nerve to have someone
Remember my name

But you will always
Have a big fan,
It will always stay constant
Even though
I'm ******* agnostic
bluevelvet Nov 2017
Black and white*

There is no cat

That is a shade of gray,

Just black and white,

Nice or mean
bluevelvet Nov 2017
All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough
bluevelvet Jul 2017
She'd ask them,



                        See what they'd say


       If you're so happy and free



                Maybe you actually miss it



          But she is already perceived as



     Crazy, lunatic and unsafe



                     And that's what she is



Your perfect, extraordinary,



                     Little



    Creation



                You know everything to



     An exact T about her



          Now the Bride of Frankenstein,



                                   Tell her,



               Is she as beautiful as you



           Thought she might be?



               Is she deranged enough for you?



         And she's crazy,



              She's ballistic for this



        All the highs, the lows,



              The way you brag about the other



                  The way you recited every word



            The way you carry the sun



    The way you know just the way to her heart



                 She is crazy for you



      And there is absolutely nothing



                She could ever do



     To be the things you first admired



                 And now a creation of you



           That could just possibly never be of use
"I don't know what you're talking about. That's not my name. You're crazy."
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I tried to find it today,
Thought I tucked it away
To be found by someone in a land to help light their way
But I dug and I tore,
My mind was racing until sore
And I just couldn't do it anymore
Now I want to go back to my old ways,
Find something to take me back to those old days
Where laughter never dies
And you stay forever on my mind
I couldn't find it today but
I'm telling myself it's okay
I'm getting on an aeroplane,
Helping me find my way
Where you will always stay
And these memories don't fade
I don't know what you would even do if you seen me cry again.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Maybe now she'll
fully participate when
she's imagining your
graceful love and she doesn't
know if your hands are
soft or rough but
she imagines they're soft so
the hands that pass the time
on her are soft and
she doesn't remember what
you smelt like or if you still
smell like that but the
darkness of her eyelids portray
the grass and water and
trees and it will sometimes
smell like it just rained
and sometimes it will smell
like sunshine and summer air
and she doesn't know
how it feels to be a part
of your hair but the hair
in front of her will be yours,
eyes closed and she is
used to this, imagining
it was someone it would
never be and it never
felt right and she doesn't know
if it will always stay like this
but at least with her
eyes closed now she'll
participate and
wouldn't you know,
that's a whole
new joke of
it's own
bluevelvet May 2017

Death has rotten
me from inside out,
you finally came back.
How does it feel?
Do your worst.
my mind a battlefield,
my soul a sunken broken ship.
My heart is tattered,
eyes filled of hollow.
How does it feel?
The words of spoken, mispoken and
unspoken rush
through these vains.
I hate the person I had become that hurt.
I hate the person that all the pain I've caused made me.
A life spent wondering what if,
a life spent bound to hell.
I deserve more than what you have in store.
I deserve poor,
freak,
weak.
I deserve death.
And years later,
your wish is fulfilling.
So how does it feel?
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that
bluevelvet Nov 2017
Im consumed with this thought

This yearning of someone who cares

And in the end

If it isn't with blood

It doesn't exist

I wasn't good enough for my past

And now I just float,

Hoping to fimd a light of my own

Not a light to show me everything wonderful

That replaced me and everything

I could never be

Just a comforting light that is warm and says

This world would be so worthless without you
bluevelvet Jun 2017

Now I'm left to wonder if it's fair to touch another heart, another soul, another being. No matter how many layers are cleaned off there will always be this one that stays. Permanent like a tattoo. A youth forever remembered by all the things I should have done. It'd not be fair to leave those black fingerprints on them when I leave because I don't think anyone could ever make me forget this.

And when I wipe my eyes clean, the black turns to liquid and runs into my eyes. The pain is close to how I remember thinking you'd forget me by Fall. But it was me. It was me that let you down.

Everything is quiet now. Silent like the evening you sang that song. And I can feel the way it made me feel empty because it felt like you took everything out of me to admire but slammed it back in when I pointed out the similarities and you said no, it's for when you find the one. But you were looking down then and I just realized that too.

And now you sing it to the one and I feel the ache again but it's different because you're not here and you never will be. And in brief moments I wonder if it tastes bitter to sing it, to feel those words on your lips. If it reminds you of the table that is long gone and the way the birds were singing in the cooling down summer evening air. Of how I had my hands gripping the bench on each of my sides because I was so nervous. And I wonder if they knew I was the first to hear you sing it. But there's a first for everything and there's always a last until the end. And I'm always the first that's replaced and forgotten.

But I'm only talking to myself here. Reliving this past alone. Drowning in black salt water by myself. And now I'm just asking your ghost when the air will be gone.
bluevelvet Aug 2017
Murmuring gets you no where.


But I've been here before and not


just because I walk this way everyday.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
The class clown
He makes jokes
Like no other around

The cool kid
Takes pictures
With everyone else

I'll get his
Autograph one day
Spinning a spearmint
Of cool in my eyes
Because I was
Never worth
His holy
Time
bluevelvet Jul 2017
You've been to hell before
Danced and made love to the devil
He messed with your heart
But you let him in
And he messed with your head
But you took what he handed you
And you thought life couldn't get worse
But you never knew it could be like this
And this isn't the devil
He may think he's bad but
He is good and he is light and
Now you're staying up late
You lay there and reach out above you
And you're numb while your fingers
Crinkle and uncrinkle and they're stiff,
Like they've been frozen in time for a decade
You're just now learning to use them again
While your eyes cross and roll back
And you mumble incoherently about the things
You wish you should have said to him
Before it was too late
And you can't look yourself in the mirror
You can look disgustedly at yourself but
You can't make eye contact with the reflection
Of your fading blue eyes
So you search how to throw up without it
Being so dangerous for you because
You'll be ****** to go through the pain
Without him noticing the final result
And you're digging up the past,
You buy more foundation and mate gloss
And you wonder what color he would like
But he probably doesn't like any of this but you
Just don't know what he likes and
You probably never did fully know everything right
And you'd grow your hair out but you're
Too fat and it's too hot for it
But when you master that toothbrush technique finally
You'll let it grow out and you'll buy new, pretty clothes
And maybe he'll find something worthwhile in you then
And if he doesn't
You can wipe the makeup off
Chop your hair off and put different clothes on,
Baggier clothes
And if he still doesn't see potential
Then I guess you're just out of luck because
You've had someone inside of you
Someone that fit into places but you've never
Had anyone inside of you everywhere like this
And it's amazing and it tastes bitter and it's exhilarating and
It's something you want to mourn and something you want to hold forever
But if it's not enough,
If it never will be enough,
All the things you have to offer and the
Things you both once planned,
If he doesn't find it good enough
You can always live in this glass case,
Like a trophy, a prized possession
Because you've went through life feeling like there was something missing,
Something that belonged but you forgot what it was and now
You remember it and you will always cherish it
And hold it tight like your life depends on it
Because it does,
Your life depends on this.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Heart of blue florescence
The memory like moths,
Attracts the reminder
Unforeseen the pain
In the way I now sob your name
But there's no one meeting under here
Silence creeps in like the night
Confusion bites like mosquitoes,
Realization is the thump
In the surrounding woods, unseen
The dark consumes fast
bluevelvet Aug 2017
And

I'm

the

broken

eggshell
bluevelvet Jul 2017
This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough
I found it once before a few months ago and I couldn't remember then still. I actually put it in the trash because it reminded me of him-how ******* ironicly pathetic of me. I decided it was a bad idea, something told me I couldn't throw it away. I dug it out and hid it. I sometimes lose myself in daydreams where I'm brave and trusting and you would be delighted to receive it. I cry at those almost the most. You know how to tear a gut out and teach how life isn't fair.
bluevelvet Jun 2017

Met by chance
Didn't give it a second glance
And I do,
I hope you dance
Forever in the rain and sunshine
I hope it's kind to you,
I hope it shines through
Who I was is still there,
Buried beneath the wear and tear
You reminded me of it
Just forever too late
And it's a regret I'll carry to my grave
And I know my words mean nothing to you
But I know I'll miss you forever, it's true
I hope you don't forget me
But if you do I'll understand
Your life is filled with big plans,
None of which involve the help of my hand
But I will always stand,
Forever in time,
Cheering you on in my mind
Always to remember the summer of sublime
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Sheets soaked,

She lies in silence of the great unknown

Her body quivers as she tugs

Her graceless arms between her risen knees

She takes deep breaths,

Stares at the fading sun

Vivid yellow like the locks

She tries to recapture to remind her

Of the time she partook in his time

Eyes baggy and dark,

It was another restless night

Now grow dry from remembering

The way he once made days shine

She blinks halfheartedly once,

Lost concentration staring at the wall

The sun had turned orange cream in its descending fall

The colors seep through slit blinds,

Slice her from neck to thigh

Her heart beacons with a mournful why

As her mind does tell her the defeated rhyme

She wonders how the sun tastes to him now

And if he buys them the prettiest flow-ers

She sighs a sigh of defeat,

Rolls over and let's her aching thoughts

Carry her off to a sacred retreat

She touches him there,

Runs her fingers through his hair

Up against the closed door of a bathroom stall

Legs protect her from the fall

She breaths him in,

Goes where she imagines no one has ever been

She only realizes in her dream

The whole time she had cried,

Up until telling his shoulder goodbye
Like thousands of pixels,
He disappeared
She hits the cold hard ground
Walls no longer here the sound
bluevelvet Oct 2017
Can you see me?
Can you feel it?
Like waves crashing onto a shore,
Wind bending trees.
I am the feeling someone yearns for.
Is it you?
Is it myself?
I long to be longed for the kind that doesn't want me.
I am not beautiful like your last or
Like the ones on screen.
But I love beautiful like them,
Maybe even more so.
I want to run my fingers through your long hair,
I want to taste sunrises with you
Whoever you are.
Who are you,
*blue l
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.
I wouldn't need to yell what's already being whispered to you
bluevelvet Jun 2018
There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.
bluevelvet Oct 2017
Another tally under
Everything I Do Wrong
If numbers are truly limitless
I can keep this up
My body is even reacting the same way
As last time
And I want to laugh and cry
But mainly I just want to die
I want to die so bad that
I can taste it behind the alcohol
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to laugh and joke around
I don't want to feel the ache in my body
I want everything to be still,
I want to feel peace
I am drowning by no one but myself
Will there ever be a light?
Will there ever be another way,
Another person to come along and just...
Care?
Care without having to already,
Care and see that I am ******* rotted out,
Dying and barely holding on?
Will they tell me I deserve so much better?
Will they show me Im finally not alone?
Im so ready to drive straight through a curve,
To not hear the car coming
Im ready for something else
Something that isn't here
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise
I've never felt more inadequate. A few boards are missing, the remainder are weathered and mossy. In a sick twist of karma, I'll sit on this porch alone until I realize my enough is enough, just not for you.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.
I wish I could go back there to tell you this. I wish you weren't so far away but every time I reach out now, it's just all the things you left behind.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door
bluevelvet Sep 2017
"God,
Give me a sign
Or I have to give up.
I can't do this anymore.
Please just let me die.
Beigh alive
Hurts too much."
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Look at you,

Adding onto your mosaic wall of art

I will eventually too

But mine's just more permanent

And never hidden in the dark
bluevelvet Jan 2018
I know you're somewhere out there
You're just not here

And that speaks volumes
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I was tempted to actually eat
A whole meal today,
No junk food or nibbles
And the crumbs of forgotten food

But I'm full on eating my self esteem away

And the convince store snacks
Taste better coming back up,
Steaming pile on the frozen ground
Mixed with alcohol because

I can eat my self esteem away but
I can't seem to drink the fact
You don't care away

You don't owe me anything,
I can never change what I've done

But hey,

When I keep my head up
It's in the midst of the night,
Face soaked and cold from tears
Laughing at the night sky
Above the *****
Stumbling around,
Cleaning off my mouth and the snot

Because
I am
Completely
Alone
bluevelvet Jul 2017
There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.
When you find it, let me know. See if it'd work for me.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
And I felt it. I felt something that was familiar and unknown. It was recognizable. It was a quiver in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. But there isn't a single thing to do to prove it and even if I sat down you would have still walked away. So now what am I supposed to do with this feeling?
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