Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
bluevelvet Nov 2017
Dedication.

It's a simple concept
But hard to comprehend

I can finally say
I'm starting to do things right

Nitpick and you can find
Flaws in what I do

If I was more careful
That dedication could have
Been to love me

Not play the game,
Not put me in my place

But you dedicate to someone else,
Someone better than me
bluevelvet Nov 2017
If anything awkwardness
Is an attractive attribute
A lot of people find enduring

And I am awkward,
A social pariah
I stutter and hardly make eye contact

I run my hands through my hair,
Bite the skin from my lip
Trip over what I mean when I speak
And over thin air

I am awkward
I am me
bluevelvet Jul 2017
It wasn't a willow tree,

                     It wasn't pine,

      Definitely not a place to hide a form of dime

             Defended your high honor,

               Talked endlessly for days

         Where embrace took breath away

     Promises to always stay

               But things don't go as plan,

            And I'm no longer your most admired fan

       Under that big tree no longer stands

            The wood curved to host,

    Mocking tree with wood,

           A cruel joke

      Under tree, I'm a fish out of water,

           Breathing becomes harder

    I shake from the cold,

Even though sun shines in pure gold?

          Dirt sticks to crimson stained skin

      Bare like the tableless tree,

   Heart mourns to the akin

Of the disjointed promises to be free

             And the never knowing

     Taste of thee
I don't see a light.
Just the place we carved memories into time that was tore apart,
Gone.
Like a dream.
bluevelvet Nov 2017
It is possible to
Hate and love some people
At the same time,
I wake up everyday
With this feeling
For myself
bluevelvet Jul 2017
How much further
can she possibly go?
Sit back and as always,
enjoy the show!
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I am nibbling on this bait,
Fast with the possible date with fate
But I remember those days
And it's a pastime game
If it kills me it'd still be like never knowing,
Dead inside just the same
Nothing ever added up,
But you remembered everything
And now it's enough
Now you're all I can seem to remember,
You're all I'll seem to love and want.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Look at you,

Adding onto your mosaic wall of art

I will eventually too

But mine's just more permanent

And never hidden in the dark
bluevelvet Jul 2017
You told me
Even if you wasn't there
That you would always be here
Carrying me until the end
And then you would still stay
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I can feel my bones better
And I know what you're thinking, Tommy,

Why would I try to stay relevant?
The question is
When did I ever become basic

Because it's a hard life to live
Wanting someone to come out
Of the woodwork to show me they care

When it's easier to pop open
Cold ones to point a gun finger
To my head and say,
"Here I am"

And I am broken,
Like cool ranch chips under your feet
I am dying to be gone

I want to matter to someone

Be fine china in their arms,
Delicate and a daydream
To be a wonderland for their mind
And a restlessness in their heart

But I'll keep counting cans
While throwing up,
It was never easy destroying everything
Because I wasn't good enough

Count the spaces in between,
It's simple as one, two, three
I hate everything about me
And it's clear to see

But
Here
I
Am
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I miss the addiction of freedom,
When you knew it was time to go home
By the streetlights turning on
Running up the hills and catching lightening bugs
I miss ice cream trucks and
When swimming pools meant
I was picked up and thrown out further by my dad,
Not me doing it for a little boy who doesn't have one
I miss the addiction of summer,
Vacations, camps
And bus rides with secret plans
Watching the stars for the beauty,
Not planes for the unknown
I have lived and died a hundred thousand times
And this time,
This time on the ground,
I don't have the will to get back up
Frostbitten and shaking,
My breath blows smoke and
Smears the stars and just for a moment
I close my eyes and reach out,
Feeling and tasting freedom once again
You would have never left,
You would have cared
In a way no one else does now
bluevelvet Jun 2018
There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
There's a person

                That tells me I'm sweet,

   That I am a good person,

        They never say anything about me,

      And that I should never listen

To what others say

                 I'd cry and ask her why

     I feel this way

And tell how it hurts that

     I don't know what to do

        But I was told by another to be

Prepared for the worst,

             He was never mine,

     And don't let it bring me down

But if I go any further

  


             I think I'd hit some

      Of these people's





                                 levels






And I wonder how he could change

            Or maybe he hasn't



Will time ever tell?



              Stay tuned
You didn't expect me to say that?
bluevelvet Dec 2017
You know you're gorgeous
And you flaunt it
You come from 'round here
And you make a joke
Out of me

You're gorgeous and
I regret it even me
Because I could never get that now
bluevelvet Jul 2017
It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again
But you didn't know by some miracle when I would be working so let the town whisper to you about how i really cry and feel how it maybe doesn't make you want to stop me from feeling worried or sad
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Shallow,

                

                      Hollow breaths


           Blued and grayed skin



    Stretches over expanding rib cage



        Padded microscopic indented tips

        

                 Move over spherical bone

  

          Over and over again


               Maybe now she's enough


      Years of being alone,


               Nothing made sense


    Chapped and cracked lips


Break into a smile



              Liquid moisturizes scarce places,


             No longer dry


        He'd prefer her like this,


Something to be proud of




                          She takes a breath,




    Another one,




                   Haggard and labored



      She is frozen
Do they make you proud?
Dive so far in and bring yours out?
Do they light yours up?
Have they added onto the things you should be proud of?
Obviously.
bluevelvet Nov 2017
All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough
bluevelvet May 2017
you can
decieve me,
plant fear in me,
string me along,
run my name
through the mud.
you can break spirts,
break the threshold
between eyes and cheeks,
break my hope and
all that I hold,
but you will never
break me.
if you're such a man
of god,
come back and find out
that you are just
one in the same,
with your little head games.
you can laugh at me,
you can splash mud on me,
you can embarrass me,
but that will never
put you above me
or bellow.
bluevelvet Aug 2017
And

I'm

the

broken

eggshell
bluevelvet Jul 2017
This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough
I found it once before a few months ago and I couldn't remember then still. I actually put it in the trash because it reminded me of him-how ******* ironicly pathetic of me. I decided it was a bad idea, something told me I couldn't throw it away. I dug it out and hid it. I sometimes lose myself in daydreams where I'm brave and trusting and you would be delighted to receive it. I cry at those almost the most. You know how to tear a gut out and teach how life isn't fair.
bluevelvet Oct 2017
I am alone in this cold place
I am slightly drunk and
I am alone
I could easily go out,
Find a married guy and spend 15 minutes with him
In the back of his car
I could drink some more and feel braver,
Stare a hole into the guy I find appealing,
Make it uncomfortable for anyone
I could cry but I've done enough of that
I could continue to snap myself in half
Between the sweet person I am that occasionally makes not-so-great decisions
Or the two faced horrible person you presume I am
I could walk back into that store,
Snowflakes melting in my white hair
But does it matter?
No matter how much I wish and pray and try,
Sometimes you just aren't enough
Would you let me down gently?
Would you call the cops?
Laugh and tell all your friends?
Another mark on my belt,
But not ******.
Just the laughing stock of the town.
Would you give me a chance?
See me?
Past these layers of rumors and truth's,
Past my body and ****** up mind
Who are you?
Would you care?
Would you go past hearing my name or
Would you just turn around after hearing it?


Do you know how alone that feels?
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Sheets soaked,

She lies in silence of the great unknown

Her body quivers as she tugs

Her graceless arms between her risen knees

She takes deep breaths,

Stares at the fading sun

Vivid yellow like the locks

She tries to recapture to remind her

Of the time she partook in his time

Eyes baggy and dark,

It was another restless night

Now grow dry from remembering

The way he once made days shine

She blinks halfheartedly once,

Lost concentration staring at the wall

The sun had turned orange cream in its descending fall

The colors seep through slit blinds,

Slice her from neck to thigh

Her heart beacons with a mournful why

As her mind does tell her the defeated rhyme

She wonders how the sun tastes to him now

And if he buys them the prettiest flow-ers

She sighs a sigh of defeat,

Rolls over and let's her aching thoughts

Carry her off to a sacred retreat

She touches him there,

Runs her fingers through his hair

Up against the closed door of a bathroom stall

Legs protect her from the fall

She breaths him in,

Goes where she imagines no one has ever been

She only realizes in her dream

The whole time she had cried,

Up until telling his shoulder goodbye
Like thousands of pixels,
He disappeared
She hits the cold hard ground
Walls no longer here the sound
bluevelvet Oct 2017
Can you see me?
Can you feel it?
Like waves crashing onto a shore,
Wind bending trees.
I am the feeling someone yearns for.
Is it you?
Is it myself?
I long to be longed for the kind that doesn't want me.
I am not beautiful like your last or
Like the ones on screen.
But I love beautiful like them,
Maybe even more so.
I want to run my fingers through your long hair,
I want to taste sunrises with you
Whoever you are.
Who are you,
*blue l
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.
I wouldn't need to yell what's already being whispered to you
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I get the sense of how upset
I was to not get to watch fireworks that year
And then when I met you,
I was glad I didn't get to
Because you set fireworks in me
That exploded on their own many years later,
With no one to see the full potential of the colors
I wonder when you stopped
Wishing I was around to see firworks with you
And started wishing it was someone else
I wonder when I'll stop remembering
Things because of everyday actions,
And if I do stop,
Will it be this constant hollow void
Instead of the momentary void
When I am reminded of something
That is then replaced by nostalgia
Because that summer was
******* brilliant
I don't know how to be that brilliant anymore
I've loved since then and had some great summers too
Even if it's gone,
You have to admit it was extraordinary and life changing
And I'll never understand how
I could let myself no longer be your favorite summer
bluevelvet Aug 2017
Murmuring gets you no where.


But I've been here before and not


just because I walk this way everyday.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
A bat followed me home,
I looked up through the window

It flew in and out of the light
That my car gave off to the overhanging trees
For a short time

And it instantly clicked,
Bats and rats,
Rice and beans,
Baseball and Saturday's

Why do you remember everything?

And my overbearing imagination
Likes to pretend it was
Almost as if saying you were here
Because I've drove that road hundreds of times
But I've never been down one
That hurts and opens me up
Just like the one you built for me

And it's laughable to say
I would gladly go float in that nasty pond
So the bats could gather and fly me away
To a place where you would choose to stay
And I wish you were here because I have never been so scared and i ******* need you and i need help and i need you to tell me it's okay and i need you to show me the way and i need you to hold me and i need you to just be here. I need you like i have never needed anything else
bluevelvet Oct 2017
Another tally under
Everything I Do Wrong
If numbers are truly limitless
I can keep this up
My body is even reacting the same way
As last time
And I want to laugh and cry
But mainly I just want to die
I want to die so bad that
I can taste it behind the alcohol
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to laugh and joke around
I don't want to feel the ache in my body
I want everything to be still,
I want to feel peace
I am drowning by no one but myself
Will there ever be a light?
Will there ever be another way,
Another person to come along and just...
Care?
Care without having to already,
Care and see that I am ******* rotted out,
Dying and barely holding on?
Will they tell me I deserve so much better?
Will they show me Im finally not alone?
Im so ready to drive straight through a curve,
To not hear the car coming
Im ready for something else
Something that isn't here
bluevelvet Nov 2017
Im consumed with this thought

This yearning of someone who cares

And in the end

If it isn't with blood

It doesn't exist

I wasn't good enough for my past

And now I just float,

Hoping to fimd a light of my own

Not a light to show me everything wonderful

That replaced me and everything

I could never be

Just a comforting light that is warm and says

This world would be so worthless without you
bluevelvet Jun 2017
I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise
I've never felt more inadequate. A few boards are missing, the remainder are weathered and mossy. In a sick twist of karma, I'll sit on this porch alone until I realize my enough is enough, just not for you.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.
I wish I could go back there to tell you this. I wish you weren't so far away but every time I reach out now, it's just all the things you left behind.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
She no longer has that power

He flew away in the midnight hour

Nothing lasts forever

Wings flap in shades of clever

There's no longer any voodoo talking

He likes to come back for vengeful haunting
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down
How sad right? The blunt of a joke reminded of everything and it punches back this existence that no longer wants it.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here
bluevelvet Jul 2017
You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,
"Not long at all..."
bluevelvet Jul 2017
What a colossal joke
When it is written
Neither loves you
When you only love one
R <3 U
bluevelvet Jul 2017
You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I was tempted to actually eat
A whole meal today,
No junk food or nibbles
And the crumbs of forgotten food

But I'm full on eating my self esteem away

And the convince store snacks
Taste better coming back up,
Steaming pile on the frozen ground
Mixed with alcohol because

I can eat my self esteem away but
I can't seem to drink the fact
You don't care away

You don't owe me anything,
I can never change what I've done

But hey,

When I keep my head up
It's in the midst of the night,
Face soaked and cold from tears
Laughing at the night sky
Above the *****
Stumbling around,
Cleaning off my mouth and the snot

Because
I am
Completely
Alone
bluevelvet Jul 2017
What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?
You can remind me of who I was but that doesn't mean it's who you are still.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Oh



I told you not to stand beside them

And you told me of another,

The one before

And hey,

No one compares to the first,

Right?

And it's good if you're

Finally able to give it all,

You know?

Finally able to be free


'Cause he works at camps


And he's happy and been


Together for years and ****,


How about some compassion?


He was my first.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.
When you find it, let me know. See if it'd work for me.
bluevelvet Jun 2017
And I felt it. I felt something that was familiar and unknown. It was recognizable. It was a quiver in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. But there isn't a single thing to do to prove it and even if I sat down you would have still walked away. So now what am I supposed to do with this feeling?
bluevelvet Jul 2017
His words could be

        

    

               Like honey,



Thick and sweet,



                       Fills up too fast and



  Constructs the air in your throat




Or it could be milk,



                Smooth and stills



And calms the burning of doubt
I learned to not double message after a semi questionable (on my. Part) mutual acquaintance. But you remember how you just wanted to say thanks for me defending you? And you set down, and I wanted to feel wood. I tried my best.

It wasn't enough.
bluevelvet May 2017

Death has rotten
me from inside out,
you finally came back.
How does it feel?
Do your worst.
my mind a battlefield,
my soul a sunken broken ship.
My heart is tattered,
eyes filled of hollow.
How does it feel?
The words of spoken, mispoken and
unspoken rush
through these vains.
I hate the person I had become that hurt.
I hate the person that all the pain I've caused made me.
A life spent wondering what if,
a life spent bound to hell.
I deserve more than what you have in store.
I deserve poor,
freak,
weak.
I deserve death.
And years later,
your wish is fulfilling.
So how does it feel?
bluevelvet Jun 2017
To show life is truly not fair
You made sure I existed
For something that is no longer there
Did it taste this bitter
When I said the same thing?
When I loved him and forgot you?
And when it finally got better
How sweeter did it taste than
Anything to do with us too
Sometimes life isn't fair.
bluevelvet Jul 2017
I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that
bluevelvet Jul 2017
Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door
bluevelvet Jul 2017
He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me
bluevelvet Sep 2017
"God,
Give me a sign
Or I have to give up.
I can't do this anymore.
Please just let me die.
Beigh alive
Hurts too much."
bluevelvet Jun 2017

Now I'm left to wonder if it's fair to touch another heart, another soul, another being. No matter how many layers are cleaned off there will always be this one that stays. Permanent like a tattoo. A youth forever remembered by all the things I should have done. It'd not be fair to leave those black fingerprints on them when I leave because I don't think anyone could ever make me forget this.

And when I wipe my eyes clean, the black turns to liquid and runs into my eyes. The pain is close to how I remember thinking you'd forget me by Fall. But it was me. It was me that let you down.

Everything is quiet now. Silent like the evening you sang that song. And I can feel the way it made me feel empty because it felt like you took everything out of me to admire but slammed it back in when I pointed out the similarities and you said no, it's for when you find the one. But you were looking down then and I just realized that too.

And now you sing it to the one and I feel the ache again but it's different because you're not here and you never will be. And in brief moments I wonder if it tastes bitter to sing it, to feel those words on your lips. If it reminds you of the table that is long gone and the way the birds were singing in the cooling down summer evening air. Of how I had my hands gripping the bench on each of my sides because I was so nervous. And I wonder if they knew I was the first to hear you sing it. But there's a first for everything and there's always a last until the end. And I'm always the first that's replaced and forgotten.

But I'm only talking to myself here. Reliving this past alone. Drowning in black salt water by myself. And now I'm just asking your ghost when the air will be gone.
Next page