I could be anyone I want
The craigslist killer,
The boy scout that helps you cross the street
I could be a hundred million things
Do you know who I am?
Have you heard of me?
The way I lie and contort myself to be
Exactly what you want?
Have you heard of the good that I do?
Or did you just hear the bad?
Does it shine brighter than my strive to be
Accepted and given a chance?
I want to paint galaxy's with my words
And touch souls with my feelings
Have you considered yourselves not actually better than me?
Have you tried?
Have you reached out?
To really know me, to bust open the skull
To learn me.
What have you done?

I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise

Look at you,

Adding onto your mosaic wall of art

I will eventually too

But mine's just more permanent

And never hidden in the dark

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

I

  have

   absolutely

    nothing

     left

      to

       believe

        

                    in.

Black and white*

There is no cat

That is a shade of gray,

Just black and white,

Nice or mean

It's just a coincidence my father
Pointed out styrofoam,
And I have no one to trust
It's just a coincidence my father
Loses track of keys in the way
I find everything because I'm observant
It's not a coincidence that I
Wonder of people that give absolutely
Not one ounce of care for me
All these noises in my streets,
I overshadowed the possibility
The only thing I should ever fear
Is myself

Another tally under
Everything I Do Wrong
If numbers are truly limitless
I can keep this up
My body is even reacting the same way
As last time
And I want to laugh and cry
But mainly I just want to die
I want to die so bad that
I can taste it behind the alcohol
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to laugh and joke around
I don't want to feel the ache in my body
I want everything to be still,
I want to feel peace
I am drowning by no one but myself
Will there ever be a light?
Will there ever be another way,
Another person to come along and just...
Care?
Care without having to already,
Care and see that I am ******* rotted out,
Dying and barely holding on?
Will they tell me I deserve so much better?
Will they show me Im finally not alone?
Im so ready to drive straight through a curve,
To not hear the car coming
Im ready for something else
Something that isn't here

It must feel nice
To feel like you have the
Complexion of God or karma

Cover your face,
I have a secret to spare
I'm broken in the ugliest of ways
And your jokes or attempts at being clever,
It passes by me

You can't touch what's not there,
You can't punch the feeling
When it's hallowed out
Only comes alive for a guy I'll never know,
The kind that moved on

The questioning pinning,
The drama of it all
It's for the birds

He doesn't think of me
But I know he's out there
He doesn't see me anymore
But I dream of a figure that still cares

I'm sitting in this almost sunset sun
And I'm wondering if yours are this beautiful too
Or if they're more beautiful than mine
I hope they never hurt you like mine do now
Do you feel free with every one of them?
More free than the last one
And I'm wondering if I'll live another one now
Without wondering how they would have
Tasted in my grinning mouth
And on my sun bleached hair and perfectly
Normal and good enough skin if I was the one dancing
In them with you
And I want to get drunk,
So drunk that I stumble down all these streets and alleyways
Until I make it back to your memory
And lay in the frosted grass beside you
While we watch the puffs of our breaths mesh together
In this perpetually never ending winter air
And I'd close my eyes while your unchanging hand
Caresses my still young face and I would breathe your form in
And open my eyes to watch you disappear
Then run, run as fast as my tired feet could take me
Back to where everything really started and
I wouldn't have cared this time if you got mad
Because I wanted you to feel it, to taste it on my lips
To know that it was me and this was special and it really was meant to be
And you wouldn't vanish from my hands that are around your face and the anger
Would be gone and your eyes would flutter open along with mine and I'd smile
In the exact same way you used to make me smile
So I could vanish with you this time and
We would live these days with no walls and I wouldn't let myself
Go and look like this and think like this
And we would grow old and tired but I would love you just the same
And maybe I wouldn't be something to be ashamed of and you wouldn't misuse words and promises because I hurt you and we wouldn't wake up one day when it's too late
Because when you disappear into the sun, no matter where you ever go and who you go with,
I swear I will disappear with you

I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here

I get the sense of how upset
I was to not get to watch fireworks that year
And then when I met you,
I was glad I didn't get to
Because you set fireworks in me
That exploded on their own many years later,
With no one to see the full potential of the colors
I wonder when you stopped
Wishing I was around to see firworks with you
And started wishing it was someone else
I wonder when I'll stop remembering
Things because of everyday actions,
And if I do stop,
Will it be this constant hollow void
Instead of the momentary void
When I am reminded of something
That is then replaced by nostalgia
Because that summer was
******* brilliant
I don't know how to be that brilliant anymore
I've loved since then and had some great summers too
Even if it's gone,
You have to admit it was extraordinary and life changing
And I'll never understand how
I could let myself no longer be your favorite summer

I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.

Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door

His words could be

        

    

               Like honey,



Thick and sweet,



                       Fills up too fast and



  Constructs the air in your throat




Or it could be milk,



                Smooth and stills



And calms the burning of doubt

You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you

I wonder if I did
The right thing with you
Would you be here today?

Would you get bored,
Find something better and
Eventually walk away?

That's the mindset of someone
Who was told they weren't good enough
At a young age

I'd search the world
To find out who you really were,
Creat delusions of you caring
But not about how I look
Or what I'm remembered for

Just caring about me

And maybe you would have
If I never met him,
It's been a whirlwind for so long
At least your guessing game
Is as consistent as me
Ruining everything

Hand tattoos

I remember it now

Hands and

I could show you what these hands do

I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me

What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?

Sheets soaked,

She lies in silence of the great unknown

Her body quivers as she tugs

Her graceless arms between her risen knees

She takes deep breaths,

Stares at the fading sun

Vivid yellow like the locks

She tries to recapture to remind her

Of the time she partook in his time

Eyes baggy and dark,

It was another restless night

Now grow dry from remembering

The way he once made days shine

She blinks halfheartedly once,

Lost concentration staring at the wall

The sun had turned orange cream in its descending fall

The colors seep through slit blinds,

Slice her from neck to thigh

Her heart beacons with a mournful why

As her mind does tell her the defeated rhyme

She wonders how the sun tastes to him now

And if he buys them the prettiest flow-ers

She sighs a sigh of defeat,

Rolls over and let's her aching thoughts

Carry her off to a sacred retreat

She touches him there,

Runs her fingers through his hair

Up against the closed door of a bathroom stall

Legs protect her from the fall

She breaths him in,

Goes where she imagines no one has ever been

She only realizes in her dream

The whole time she had cried,

Up until telling his shoulder goodbye

Maybe now she'll
fully participate when
she's imagining your
graceful love and she doesn't
know if your hands are
soft or rough but
she imagines they're soft so
the hands that pass the time
on her are soft and
she doesn't remember what
you smelt like or if you still
smell like that but the
darkness of her eyelids portray
the grass and water and
trees and it will sometimes
smell like it just rained
and sometimes it will smell
like sunshine and summer air
and she doesn't know
how it feels to be a part
of your hair but the hair
in front of her will be yours,
eyes closed and she is
used to this, imagining
it was someone it would
never be and it never
felt right and she doesn't know
if it will always stay like this
but at least with her
eyes closed now she'll
participate and
wouldn't you know,
that's a whole
new joke of
it's own

There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,

I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found

Can you see me?
Can you feel it?
Like waves crashing onto a shore,
Wind bending trees.
I am the feeling someone yearns for.
Is it you?
Is it myself?
I long to be longed for the kind that doesn't want me.
I am not beautiful like your last or
Like the ones on screen.
But I love beautiful like them,
Maybe even more so.
I want to run my fingers through your long hair,
I want to taste sunrises with you
Whoever you are.
Who are you,
*blue l

The moon is big
And it's full,
It's the kind of moon
That lights up the whole
Place at night,
Almost like this deeper twilight
And it's beautiful in the way
It's indescribably sad
And it watches me console
My own tears and holding
Them tightly in
Is the moon leaning down
To kiss you now?
Does it wrap you up
In the warmest form of a hug?
I wish I could say
That I was asleep in the sense
Of frozen and forever
But every breath is labored
And unbelievably painful,
Every time I cry, I just keep
Crying more until my eyes burn
And my head hurts and there's
Not a single person here
To help it, to hold it until
All of this bad goes away
And I'm just talking to my
Very own moon,
The light shines but it's too far to reach and
I think death would be
Substantially better
Than this hell

I tried to find it today,
Thought I tucked it away
To be found by someone in a land to help light their way
But I dug and I tore,
My mind was racing until sore
And I just couldn't do it anymore
Now I want to go back to my old ways,
Find something to take me back to those old days
Where laughter never dies
And you stay forever on my mind
I couldn't find it today but
I'm telling myself it's okay
I'm getting on an aeroplane,
Helping me find my way
Where you will always stay
And these memories don't fade

There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.

Heart of blue florescence
The memory like moths,
Attracts the reminder
Unforeseen the pain
In the way I now sob your name
But there's no one meeting under here
Silence creeps in like the night
Confusion bites like mosquitoes,
Realization is the thump
In the surrounding woods, unseen
The dark consumes fast

This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough

There's a person

                That tells me I'm sweet,

   That I am a good person,

        They never say anything about me,

      And that I should never listen

To what others say

                 I'd cry and ask her why

     I feel this way

And tell how it hurts that

     I don't know what to do

        But I was told by another to be

Prepared for the worst,

             He was never mine,

     And don't let it bring me down

But if I go any further

  


             I think I'd hit some

      Of these people's





                                 levels






And I wonder how he could change

            Or maybe he hasn't



Will time ever tell?



              Stay tuned

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

I am alone in this cold place
I am slightly drunk and
I am alone
I could easily go out,
Find a married guy and spend 15 minutes with him
In the back of his car
I could drink some more and feel braver,
Stare a hole into the guy I find appealing,
Make it uncomfortable for anyone
I could cry but I've done enough of that
I could continue to snap myself in half
Between the sweet person I am that occasionally makes not-so-great decisions
Or the two faced horrible person you presume I am
I could walk back into that store,
Snowflakes melting in my white hair
But does it matter?
No matter how much I wish and pray and try,
Sometimes you just aren't enough
Would you let me down gently?
Would you call the cops?
Laugh and tell all your friends?
Another mark on my belt,
But not ******.
Just the laughing stock of the town.
Would you give me a chance?
See me?
Past these layers of rumors and truth's,
Past my body and ****** up mind
Who are you?
Would you care?
Would you go past hearing my name or
Would you just turn around after hearing it?


Do you know how alone that feels?

Is it safe to say
that you're a better man today?
Is it clear enough
that I acknowledge your contentment in this life?
Have you found
everything you have looked for?
Is it obvious with the way
they find time to make you blush?
Years have passed and
it doesn't fully make sense.
Horrible like a deceiving snake,
I spend my life asking what if.
Doomed to life of hell,
it's what's deserve,
it's what I get.
Year's later, hard to forget.
And honestly, that's the
worst hell that could
ever be foreseen.
Scraping ice of windows,
time has no defeat at your hands.
Living with seeing bear and
never knowing,
a life spent in despair.