Look
Who's
Nonexistent
Now
That
I
Found
It

It wasn't a willow tree,

                     It wasn't pine,

      Definitely not a place to hide a form of dime

             Defended your high honor,

               Talked endlessly for days

         Where embrace took breath away

     Promises to always stay

               But things don't go as plan,

            And I'm no longer your most admired fan

       Under that big tree no longer stands

            The wood curved to host,

    Mocking tree with wood,

           A cruel joke

      Under tree, I'm a fish out of water,

           Breathing becomes harder

    I shake from the cold,

Even though sun shines in pure gold?

          Dirt sticks to crimson stained skin

      Bare like the tableless tree,

   Heart mourns to the akin

Of the disjointed promises to be free

             And the never knowing

     Taste of thee

I am alone in this cold place
I am slightly drunk and
I am alone
I could easily go out,
Find a married guy and spend 15 minutes with him
In the back of his car
I could drink some more and feel braver,
Stare a hole into the guy I find appealing,
Make it uncomfortable for anyone
I could cry but I've done enough of that
I could continue to snap myself in half
Between the sweet person I am that occasionally makes not-so-great decisions
Or the two faced horrible person you presume I am
I could walk back into that store,
Snowflakes melting in my white hair
But does it matter?
No matter how much I wish and pray and try,
Sometimes you just aren't enough
Would you let me down gently?
Would you call the cops?
Laugh and tell all your friends?
Another mark on my belt,
But not ******.
Just the laughing stock of the town.
Would you give me a chance?
See me?
Past these layers of rumors and truth's,
Past my body and ****** up mind
Who are you?
Would you care?
Would you go past hearing my name or
Would you just turn around after hearing it?


Do you know how alone that feels?

It's just a coincidence my father
Pointed out styrofoam,
And I have no one to trust
It's just a coincidence my father
Loses track of keys in the way
I find everything because I'm observant
It's not a coincidence that I
Wonder of people that give absolutely
Not one ounce of care for me
All these noises in my streets,
I overshadowed the possibility
The only thing I should ever fear
Is myself

I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me

I haven't cried
In front of my father
For at least five years

And I haven't felt
This lost in
Quite literally ever

I'm crumbling,
F
  a
    l
      l
        i
          n
            ­g

      A


                          p
  
    a

              ­     r

    

                                        t

And


I

have never needed
something as bad as
I do


                                                      you


­But you're

                           g o n e

you're good at
what you do
you sit and
listen for weaknesses
you're a judgmental
user who likes
to form their
very own lies
you act like
you are better
than everyone but
in all reality
you're the lowest
of all lows
but dont worry
who you are
has nothing on
my past so
you can try
and bring me
down but yet
i will always
rise.

Who
am
i?

I will stay on my knees in this bright searchlight and I will feel the heat melt my skin.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

I will stick to my promise and I will speak my truth to you.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

And when you sang that song again, loud enough for me to hear it,

Was I alive enough for you then?

Is it safe to say
that you're a better man today?
Is it clear enough
that I acknowledge your contentment in this life?
Have you found
everything you have looked for?
Is it obvious with the way
they find time to make you blush?
Years have passed and
it doesn't fully make sense.
Horrible like a deceiving snake,
I spend my life asking what if.
Doomed to life of hell,
it's what's deserve,
it's what I get.
Year's later, hard to forget.
And honestly, that's the
worst hell that could
ever be foreseen.
Scraping ice of windows,
time has no defeat at your hands.
Living with seeing bear and
never knowing,
a life spent in despair.

Throw your head back fast,
Don't over think it,
Lids closed don't last
Eyes down to fit

Wooden table with years of weather
It's probably long gone,
Replaced with something better

You find comfort in knowing
That new trees are growing
To build new tables

And you'd sit at the table,
Place it in the same spot
And wait for a dying fable

You would sit there forever
For him to find a little down time
Because he knows how to be clever
Turn the ending sublime
And make you feel better
When you knew it was the end of the line

I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.

The wind picks up,
the roof can give way.
In this bed I'll stay,
daydreaming my life away.

The rain will pour down,
but I will continue to lay.
I will continue to watch
every memory fade.

Like a vacuum of a godly design,
I watch the moments embedded in my mind
float to the surface of a great divine.
Next are the things I wished to have done differently,
making dying not something akin to finally.

Childhood memories of my mother's
golden hair tickling my face,
the way my grandmother filled me with faith.
I have so much to cherish,
so much to lose.
I have so much to perish,
so much I never got to choose.

The wind picks up,
tears flow above.
At the untimely moment of death,
I can't help but find so much to still love.

At the moment alone
in this house made of old stone.
And if I die,
I'll take every broken bone.
It can take everything.
Take everything until
it's all gone.

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

Rip out your eyes,
search even deeper for something close to truth.
Examine every aspect of a line,
A game you were made to lose,
that's all you will ever find.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hand.
But you will never believe that man.

Tear apart your half beating heart,
going past the deepest of scars.
The pain that you first felt,
it's the same that you delt.
You call out to the long gone,
emptiness will stay a phantom in your arms.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hands.
But you will never believe that man.

Search for light in the peace,
a feeling that will never cease.
Longing for a great divine,
a feeling that will out stand time.
A burden you will never heal,
the fate of never knowing has been sealed.

Make a beat to shake my ground,
write words for a heart to cry without a sound.
Your happiness was never mine to be found.

I tried to find it today,
Thought I tucked it away
To be found by someone in a land to help light their way
But I dug and I tore,
My mind was racing until sore
And I just couldn't do it anymore
Now I want to go back to my old ways,
Find something to take me back to those old days
Where laughter never dies
And you stay forever on my mind
I couldn't find it today but
I'm telling myself it's okay
I'm getting on an aeroplane,
Helping me find my way
Where you will always stay
And these memories don't fade

Freckles,


         They just aren't on your face


And they connect more


      Than just random shapes on skin,


They connect people like


           Stars and galaxy's in the


Palms of the beholders.

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

Have you seen what I'm working with now?
I'm running it into the ground,
Bringing it to my level.
You were down here once, too.
I'm ultimately sure of it.
Are you doing your smirk at my sad existence?
Or just watching it pass by?
Maybe that salt life is still calling your name.
It's funny either way,
You have a way of popping up.
I wanted to ask you why you used to look at me like that.
Used to, that's the big part.
Now you can't even look at me,
Red means go to me,
Just in my head for a minute.
The sweet relief of metal in my side and broken glass in my skull.
Just a minute of daydreaming of everything ending.
Maybe if it was on the couch and the scratching of nails
From my dog being locked in its crate,
Heavy breathing was heard.
I would have asked you and now, years later,
A different house and a different couch,
That grasshopper noise would stick with me
Why am I writing about this?
Why do I even think about it?
This year has been a record breaking year.
I'm no longer negative about anything,
Just my self and my sad existence.
I guess that's what happens when you've finally
Been hit with a train wreck and you're frozen,
Grounded to the spot with the hard hitting reality
That everything is my fault.

I went through my things
And I found it today

Out of everything,
I don't know what to say

There's nothing I would change
Even though I contemplated throwing it away

I looked for the same kind
Green and 7 ruled subject
But with my consistent luck
There was none to find

So I bought the closest to it
I don't know if the pages will fit

I've tore out four pages so far
And I keep losing focus
In the way that I always do
But it's not lost on other things
Just the things I wonder if you
Would have liked to do
If you'd like this
Or if you'd like that
But then I remember I'm fat
And you never liked me anyway
I just can't fit it in a perfect poem like you

And I wonder if you'll get the notion
To search this place in 10 years again
Will you still see how everything I write
Will still have a part of you in it?

And do find an inkling of respect
Tell me how great life is
Leave the foot shaped mud tracks real deep,
Tell me how the I Do went,
Kids and everything
Make sure it hurts

But I'll sit here,
Write about the things I remember
Somehow tell him it's obviously about him
If there ever is another him

You shall know
the truth and
the truth shall set
you free

And I feel like
I have died
and there isn't anything
Left in me

But somehow
Flowers and trees,
Butterflies and birds
That sing are
Replaced with new

And even though
I'm way, way past the end
And I know I will
Never see you again
You'll always be my friend

And my pain will
Wash away my dusted sins
And a new life will begin

I'm messing up
And I'm messing up bad
And my dad says to not worry
But we're losing the house probably
And I haven't done anything with my life
And now every time I mess up
I'm back to being fourteen
I feel you now
It was fast
Everything is so fast now
And I breathe in and you're in the air
I scrub my skin but you're in my veins
I cry and your the salt I taste
And I want to throw my head back
But you're the water above my head
And I have never wanted a promise kept so much
But I've messed up
And now I just want to be more numb
Than any pill I've ever taken

To think you differ
Is a tragedy within itself
I would hate to be
Around when the world
Decides to bring it back down
But with neither reason or
Apathy
I still wouldn't wish it on you
Sit high up in
Your rose-colored tower
Boy
And see what
A real human like
Me
Can handle
You'd be amazed
At how far I have come
And how broken and yet
Willing to rise
I will give a hardy laugh
When I still am heads up
After every slip up
And untimely
Fall
To be persistently
Unapologetic towards
Someone with a
Golden broken heart
You my acting dear
Are the worst of
The undoubtedly worst
But forgiveness is
Vengeful and
Undecided in the victor
When you are no longer
The porcelain
Chosen one
I need not another
To find a way
What will be done
When kingdom come
Of the highest knowledge?
I earn my marks
And find strength in
Continuous relay
I know my worth
My name
And infamy fame
But I stand true on
That day