Bleach you out.
Shave it all off.
I wish you were gone.
My hair,
A prised possession.
Your love,
Another dimension.
Don't forget me,
God.

The sun kissed the moon
In pastel candy
And I thought of you
I had a poem in my brain
Until I got fully numb
So that's where the rhyming stops
I wanted to share all these moments
With you
A touch,
A kiss.
A hug,
Hands held.
Did you forget me?
I should probably grow up.
But my soul has turned black,
My heart is stone cold.
I want you
To forget me
But remember me for
Who I was.
Young and helpful
Full of life and wonder.
A beacon of possibility.
Before regret and distates
Took it's final place.
Remember me.

I don't write here anymore
Because there isn't a reason to.
I was never a poet or someone to rhyme words
In a lyrical form.
I copycated.
I formed them into my own words,
My own experience.
After 26 years of living
All I want to do is die.
I throw up regularly.
I drink to numb.
I cry to feel.
My ***** soaked fingers do the deed.
I will find a way to live
without you.
The possibilities.
The wonder.
The amazement.
Heroine could be stopped.
Talking it out,
Rehab.
Never go back.
Alcohol is there.
Plain sight.
A warm embrace.
A gentel kiss.
I wish we weren't caught.
I wish I believed your dreams.
I wish I kissed you.
I wish I held your hug longer.
I wish I never believed you.

There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.

It feels like this.
When you're sinking further into the ocean
And all you can see is the sharks and the snakes
And you can only move with the shaking of finger tips

All the regret and could habe beens,
The should habe beens al wish I could be younger
Drags you further down
Until you're sea level of the floor

The coral and seaweed wraps you up.
Every scream of a name or two or three escapes
And travels to the surface to even
Being ignored by the seagulls

Or you're alone,
Soaking wet in your room
Can't even look at a mirror
Because every inch of you screams
Liability

Putting listings out for guys that aren't it but
Are a bigger picture of it all
But wanting to put a hit out
For your ownself

Make it easy, messy free.
A bullet to the head,
Three months to tell all them you tried.

Because you did.

You tried being kind enough,
Skinny and perfect enough.

You tried until it really mattered.
And you let yourself go.

You break and bend and you wish

You'd ******* ****

To try again

Your mood swings toward me
Are drastically unproportined that even I
Can't keep up with them
But I'm headstrong, I know how this goes
Every person I meet is an Anne Frank
And I am drowning beside ******
Only one can be saved

I don't know.
Maybe it's because this liquid courage
Strengthens my backbone just enough
To think easily of how those headlights seem
To be on the right side of the road but really,
They're just barely over the yellow,
Just enough so that the bones in my nose and forehead
Disintegrate into the tinniest pieces,
Slicing through my brain

Liquid courage helps spill my guts,
Not my blood

And I know what you're thinking
That this is a bigger joke than even myself,
That it's disgusting and maybe pathetic
But it's actually just entirely sad

Because there's no use for miscalculations,
There's no worry of the outcome
When you feel like life is not worth living
And the fact stretch marks don't even come close as to why
You're not even halfway good enough
For boy's like that

But the daydreams,
The longing of a hand on your thigh
While he's driving you to his favorite place
Or the first kiss you share,
Holding you every night

It makes the dull lit flame in you,
That you have no idea how or why is still there,
Spark and grow into this wildfire within your chest,
Tightening and warming it as you breath.

And that's exactly what you do.

You breath, you smile,
You imagine

Because there, in your imagination,
A boy like him would never hurt you
A boy like him would care

There's one vital scene I watch
Over and over again.
And I almost want to do it.
I know what you're thinking.
She's lying.
She's dramatic.
She wants attention.
And maybe you're right.

But I set there before.
In the bathtub.
And the blade was in my fingers.

And you can know me for a hundred million reasons
But each of them fades when I want to see my blood
Because I think life would be better,
Would be simple
If I couldn't feel

I am letting down the only person I have left.
The only one that stuck around after
They told me he was the dark path,
Wrong road to follow

And it isn't you that I sesrch for
But I can tell you know.

One flinch of the nose,
Hannah decides to have more ***** than me

But I look at my finger tips.
They are rough and chewed.
They are old.

I can take the shaking,
The vomiting
The stumbles and slurred words

But I look at them and I want what you have
The smallest heart beat in the world,
Fingers around my pointer finger
The love of my life there,
Beside me

And for once,
For ******* once
They say,

"You need to eat"

Because the feeling of bones is better than my worth
The feeling of belonging is better than my tears

And bob doesn't know me today,
Or ever really,
But giving up isn't in my blood

I encountered two addicts today.
One didn't even attemp to hide it
As she spaced out, listening to me
She licked her fingers and touched my change,
I almost wanted to complain
But I didn't

I have been there before,
Numb to the world,
Wanting the next fix
Slow movements and slurred words

Smack!
Like the ant size of my worth,
Crush it on the counter

And out of the 700 things you could have said,
You said that.
I'm sure somewhere written between the pages
That I spit on, yelled at, cried on, punched and scratched
It says for you to do it

I am an addict myself,
The only unconditional love I have ever found
Hardly asks for anything,
Is faithful through and through
The coldest of loves but keeps me warm,
Keeps me alive

But there's other addictions that's worse,
Far more dangerous
And that's where you fall

Because I remember you too
And you are far different from back then

My ant sized worth has been squished and kicked around,
Forgotten, regretted, hated
I am laying on my back in this ocean of life,
And I almost get to shore until the smallest of waves
Breaks on my face and fills my mouth
And I am drowning,
Lost in everything wrong and everything that could be right


But you are not alone

You keep up the work, baby.
You're a real crowed pleaser.
Bite that toung, not that food.
And you can finally see it.
That face is thinner,
Those fingers overlap more.

You're on the right track, girl.
You a bad baby with a whirlwind storm.
Two years top,
Buy that couch.
Find that stranger and make it obvious.

A colorful accent,
Rosy cheeks,
Lopsided smile.

Let him feel those hipbones, sweet thang.
Do some ******* or ecstasy on that bone,
His choice because it is.

Bounce and you grind it, baby girl.
**** that neck and watch the sun rise.
Tell him. Demand him to listen.

"You see, I was never enough.
Never for the flash of cameras,
The holy trinity of delusion,
The fear of opening up.
I was a child, working for some kind of love."

And you smile because he's about to ******.

"Life is about compromising for the one you love."

You hop off, yiu throw him to the gravel.
Dump that lighter fluid, sweet child.
You use your last bit of strength to lift it up.
Toss that **** over the cliff.
Flick the match to follow.

And you look up.
The sun is up.
The wetness on your face dries.

Fold up the childish things,
Compromise with the ones you love.

One of these days,
You'll be good enough to be engaged too.

Nephew*
That's the name of the game.
Nose Go
That's how you start.
One two worded hint
Worthless ******.
The rules are simple.
There is only one rule
It's a delight to break,
Hard to forget when implanted.
You can collect dust in your room
Or spend time with your family.
You can explore,
Foot accessible form.
You can do anything.
But you can't sit around and play rewind.

Of the strob lights,
Hands in the air.
She's a queen working hard for that money.
And you sit alone,
Drink the nastiest thing to ever be created.
You go home alone to the sound of a scream.
Dear God, here.
Take it. Take the ******* pack,
My father's car.
Point me in the direction to hit restart.

But not the point of laying in his room.
Dusty and grimy,
He can't even stand the sight of you.
But when he blows smoke into your mouth,
It's the only thing you have sustainable.
So you hold on.
And you walk in the summer heat,
You lose that weight.
But he isn't there.
And your eyes twitch.
No glass table is as fragile as your reputation.
And you're sitting in your yard,
The sun's going down.
It makes a grey and blue hue.
But not the same kind.

So let's go back more.

You're fourteen and you grab your crotch.
He rolls his eyes,
It's just a front.
He ties the knot and sits down.
There's so much to learn about him.
So you get up.
You follow him to the porch.
Is the rain cold?
Is the birds chirping?
Does your weight cause the gravel to squish louder?
You don't know.

Do you not get addicted to drugs?
Do you go to college?
Do you eat healthier?
Would you have been enough?

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

You bite your lip as he stands up,
Illuminated by the grey and blue flooding her room.
He was a ******* God to your innocence.
But you don't follow him.
The puff of cool morning air and the rain,
It would have been bigger than his.

And now?
  *Now you walk alone

Some people find God
Smoking a cigarette,
I found him in the way
I made them laugh
And it comes in the forms of colors
Like blue and green,
Brown and a slight tent of red
But it doesn't matter,
At least not most of them
Because it doesn't matter what I do
I will never know what it feels like
To know if you would have loved
Every color in me

I know you're somewhere out there
You're just not here

And that speaks volumes

It's day one
Excluding New Years Eve
Because hey,
It's been a hell of a ******* year

And there's no pieces left to piece
Just the resounding of
No one cares anymore
Replaced and forgotten
Remainder of a ******* notebook
That has zero substantial meaning
To who I am today

Except for you
And you make it hard
To let it go

It's you and I know
It's branded into my soul
That I was a careless *******
Because

*******

Look at you and it
Doesn't even
Matter

Because look at me

Remember me?

Yeah,

I don't either

Hey
Maybe you're just
Another level in the scheme of things
Or maybe you're different

But don't think you
Don't matter, ever
Because there are real people
That genuinely feel indifferent
Like me

And they can be petty
And they can be mean
But everyone gets what they deserve

So let them feel that way
Be classy and hold your head up
Life is a **** show and
Those people

They are the turds of
All your wildest dreams

And I'm doing horrible as ever
But my comebacks are clever
To fit my personality
And you can think whatever of me
Or you don't
I am fat and worthless
But I am a hotmess
Of potential
Just need some inspiration
From someone that seeks desire
In imperfect tramas

Your eyes
Are
The answer
To
The riddle

Also,
"You're so
Fat and ugly
Why even bother?"

You know you're gorgeous
And you flaunt it
You come from 'round here
And you make a joke
Out of me

You're gorgeous and
I regret it even me
Because I could never get that now

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

I know you
Four eyes
And a nerd
Heart tattoo

You knew me

And I wish I could
Say this to you

But maybe this isn't you
I hope you're happy and
I hope life is fulfilling

I hope you go to amusement parks
And listen to so much music
I hope you're full and
I hope they don't treat you

Like I did

Train A takes 30 minutes
To get to the station,

Passenger J takes 20minutes
To get to the station

Train A has 10 minutes before departure
How many cowtails can Passenger J eat
While fixing a cowlick

Before Train A leaves?

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

Shhh

Hush now

It's a secret

Stop now

He doesn't care

And all at once

He will be the one

I have been waiting for

And it will be funny

Because people think I deserve nothing

But will give me more

Than what they have,

Than what they could give to offer

My broken soul will be mended

And my loneliness will have healed

No thanks to the omes that left

And the ones who think they're better

Does that only apply to me

Or

Do you not understand

Everything has repercussions?

Give me what you think,

You'll get yours.

Scratch it,

That's not you!

Because that's not what I wrote

And God knows your dedication for turning tables,

It's impeccable.

That could have been me today

Or probably not

Because I'm at the bottom of the barrel,

The last thought in the foodchain

That's not you,

That's who replaced me.

I was tempted to actually eat
A whole meal today,
No junk food or nibbles
And the crumbs of forgotten food

But I'm full on eating my self esteem away

And the convince store snacks
Taste better coming back up,
Steaming pile on the frozen ground
Mixed with alcohol because

I can eat my self esteem away but
I can't seem to drink the fact
You don't care away

You don't owe me anything,
I can never change what I've done

But hey,

When I keep my head up
It's in the midst of the night,
Face soaked and cold from tears
Laughing at the night sky
Above the *****
Stumbling around,
Cleaning off my mouth and the snot

Because
I am
Completely
Alone

If people feel like
They know what you
Deserve
I'd surely hate that for them
Look at me,
Feel me,
Breathe me,
You will never be me
Keep it to yourself,
You'll get yours too
For thinking you can
Dish out what someone
Deserves

I wonder if I did
The right thing with you
Would you be here today?

Would you get bored,
Find something better and
Eventually walk away?

That's the mindset of someone
Who was told they weren't good enough
At a young age

I'd search the world
To find out who you really were,
Creat delusions of you caring
But not about how I look
Or what I'm remembered for

Just caring about me

And maybe you would have
If I never met him,
It's been a whirlwind for so long
At least your guessing game
Is as consistent as me
Ruining everything

Im consumed with this thought

This yearning of someone who cares

And in the end

If it isn't with blood

It doesn't exist

I wasn't good enough for my past

And now I just float,

Hoping to fimd a light of my own

Not a light to show me everything wonderful

That replaced me and everything

I could never be

Just a comforting light that is warm and says

This world would be so worthless without you

Even the strongest forms of religion
Gives up on lost souls

Curly hair set free long ago,
I wish them well

Lip rings and tattooed hands,
They aren't here to mend any fences

I'm a broke soul
Looking for a way home
I never worked good on my own

And I need something that doesn't care,
Something that passes me by but I feel it's there

I had a dream not so long ago,
New place and eating my ****** lunch
He comes up and asks if Im okay
I look like death past the decayed

Lost weight and eyes sunk in,
But from even the view point of him
I knew it was pure and good

That's all I have left for holding on
I would give up but I just can't
Find the way to let go

To stop everything

Hand tattoos

I remember it now

Hands and

I could show you what these hands do

You assume you're better

Are you sure?

I could snap you in half

If you'd like to grow some *****

Or maybe I'll look the other way

Because who even are you?

The equivalent of a gnat to my life

I'm replaceable and so are you

You'd think I wouldn't care,
It's been so long since I wrote it
But the loose strands of hair in this water
Says something completely different otherwise

Water drips from the tips
Of these fingers that wrote it,
That betrayed so many

The droplets creat a maze between
The hair on my legs until
They return back to their home

You wait to see what *******
I write about now
I wonder who would dramatically
Reveal their face in the neon glow
Of convenience store lights

You're a part of a circle
So it's not like you care
You want to live out my old work,
This isn't poetry I'm writing now
This is my new journal

From my fingertips
To your eyes
Free of charge

You wanna know what I would
Write in that same book all these years later?


I wonder what it would feel like
To rest my head on my knees in this
Lukewarm bathwater and feel
The skin

S t r e t c h i n g

over my ribs as I try to think
Of one good reason to still be alive


But I don't do that.
I don't have to.
I wash away the possibilities of you,
The regrets and mistakes,
The white cars and mean words

I wash them away until
I can finally think of them
And not
Feel
Like
Dying

Orange you glad to see me
Isn't the start

It goes back to school buses
And unbreakable trust

It's how you lost the one
That hugged strangers,
Told them you cared about them

The church camp and
Mean people with nothing
Better to do

It's a dwindled fire,
But it's still inside of you

He drove past me
Like I was nothing

Couldn't even be yourself
But here I am.

I am messy,
A burden too everyone
But I am kind
Too much sassy
With a touch of tenderness

A liar
But a dreamer

I used to be mine
And you could have loved me,
Could have cared

But I'll get drunk and womder
Where you are
And your friend that's strictly friends
Can judge me

But you lied too

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

Still



Wondering



There



Buddy



???

Come on,
Color speck boy
It takes more than that this time

I can see through it
But I still have to look at the ground

Don't worry,
Color speck boy
It's like that with every guy
You are no different

Even the boys that don't
Make me feel intoxicated
Has the same power over me,
Makes me coward away
Like I'm indifferent, lacking,
Never good enough

And I've made plenty of them,
Color speck boy
If each mess was a drug
I would just now be coming down
From all the highs

So I'll stir it up and
Down it later,
Preferably in the dead of night
So no one can hear,
No one can see or know
That I am dying,
Crying for the things I lack,
The things I can never get back,
Every little and big things that
Make me not enough for the guys
That make us connected

Because you know of me,
I know of you
You've heard of me,
I have heard of you
But you will never know me
Like I want him to

If anything awkwardness
Is an attractive attribute
A lot of people find enduring

And I am awkward,
A social pariah
I stutter and hardly make eye contact

I run my hands through my hair,
Bite the skin from my lip
Trip over what I mean when I speak
And over thin air

I am awkward
I am me

I can feel my bones better
And I know what you're thinking, Tommy,

Why would I try to stay relevant?
The question is
When did I ever become basic

Because it's a hard life to live
Wanting someone to come out
Of the woodwork to show me they care

When it's easier to pop open
Cold ones to point a gun finger
To my head and say,
"Here I am"

And I am broken,
Like cool ranch chips under your feet
I am dying to be gone

I want to matter to someone

Be fine china in their arms,
Delicate and a daydream
To be a wonderland for their mind
And a restlessness in their heart

But I'll keep counting cans
While throwing up,
It was never easy destroying everything
Because I wasn't good enough

Count the spaces in between,
It's simple as one, two, three
I hate everything about me
And it's clear to see

But
Here
I
Am