You'd think I wouldn't care,
It's been so long since I wrote it
But the loose strands of hair in this water
Says something completely different otherwise

Water drips from the tips
Of these fingers that wrote it,
That betrayed so many

The droplets creat a maze between
The hair on my legs until
They return back to their home

You wait to see what *******
I write about now
I wonder who would dramatically
Reveal their face in the neon glow
Of convenience store lights

You're a part of a circle
So it's not like you care
You want to live out my old work,
This isn't poetry I'm writing now
This is my new journal

From my fingertips
To your eyes
Free of charge

You wanna know what I would
Write in that same book all these years later?


I wonder what it would feel like
To rest my head on my knees in this
Lukewarm bathwater and feel
The skin

S t r e t c h i n g

over my ribs as I try to think
Of one good reason to still be alive


But I don't do that.
I don't have to.
I wash away the possibilities of you,
The regrets and mistakes,
The white cars and mean words

I wash them away until
I can finally think of them
And not
Feel
Like
Dying

Orange you glad to see me
Isn't the start

It goes back to school buses
And unbreakable trust

It's how you lost the one
That hugged strangers,
Told them you cared about them

The church camp and
Mean people with nothing
Better to do

It's a dwindled fire,
But it's still inside of you

He drove past me
Like I was nothing

Couldn't even be yourself
But here I am.

I am messy,
A burden too everyone
But I am kind
Too much sassy
With a touch of tenderness

A liar
But a dreamer

I used to be mine
And you could have loved me,
Could have cared

But I'll get drunk and womder
Where you are
And your friend that's strictly friends
Can judge me

But you lied too

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

Still



Wondering



There



Buddy



???

Come on,
Color speck boy
It takes more than that this time

I can see through it
But I still have to look at the ground

Don't worry,
Color speck boy
It's like that with every guy
You are no different

Even the boys that don't
Make me feel intoxicated
Has the same power over me,
Makes me coward away
Like I'm indifferent, lacking,
Never good enough

And I've made plenty of them,
Color speck boy
If each mess was a drug
I would just now be coming down
From all the highs

So I'll stir it up and
Down it later,
Preferably in the dead of night
So no one can hear,
No one can see or know
That I am dying,
Crying for the things I lack,
The things I can never get back,
Every little and big things that
Make me not enough for the guys
That make us connected

Because you know of me,
I know of you
You've heard of me,
I have heard of you
But you will never know me
Like I want him to