Black and white*

There is no cat

That is a shade of gray,

Just black and white,

Nice or mean

A drawn out decapitation
Of a psychopaths mindset
Brought to life by everyone
They done wrong
It's a beautiful thing
Like he is and that other him
And obviously him and
You.
Whoever you are.
I know you found better,
That's great because everyone has
But if I could take back what I did
I would in a heartbeat.

From physical to
The mental state,
I am a regret that each
And every one of them has made

I am the bad choice,
The part they will never
Tell their grandchildren
I am the easily replaceable,
The forgettable if it wasn't for
The things I regret doing,
Would you even remember me?

I am the one you scrub off your skin,
Mouthwash the taste of my type of love
Out of your mouth and spit the backwash
Where you left me,
Where you found me
Down here on the ground

I am the opposite you look for now,
I am the reminder of your low standard
I am the 'What the **** was I thinking?'
I am the **** of all jokes you know

But I'm the reminder of
How far you've come and the road
Of everything you now know
To look out for and staying clear of it

So,
At least I
Did that right.

Maybe I don't deserve to know,
Maybe I already do and I simply...
Just can't admit it to myself because
I stretch myself thin but
Not the thin guys like you like

Maybe I can't handle reality because
Everything is my fault as always
I want to play the victom but I lost it all,
From the way these hands move and
The words my mouth speak

Maybe I didn't understand the way you looked at me,
Maybe it was all just a fairytale dream
The kind where you were everything I needed
And I was somehow what you wanted

I can't let it go because you were the first.
The one I hurt most,
Not even a goodbye or a I wish you well
Line ending and so much left to say

Do you imagine it?
If I never met him and it was just us?
Would you have been strong enough?
Would I put my doubt aside and decide
To stay instead of just going?

I hope you found that peace,
I dream they give it to you
And all of your days,
I hope you remember me
And maybe wonder if I'm doing okay

He looks like the type
To mock religion
For the soul purpose of getting under your skin,
Chasing his dream from what I remember you telling me
While I expect nothing at this point in life
And am still let down by everything,
Mainly myself obviously
Maybe with my ability
To predict makeshift prophecy's
I could move to California,
Become the modern day Charles Manson
Minus the murdering,
I cry over almost hitting an animal in the road
And the followers?
Akin to Helen Keller,
The inability to realize I am physically nothing
To be obsessed over and they don't comprehend
The complete ******* I spew from my mouth
About connections and ideas.
Even with the followers,
Your stamped-over question mark existence
Would still be boiling water in my vains,
Insects in my muscles,
A riddle in my head,
Confusion in my heart
Does it excite you to be everything you despised about school?
Does it still bring satisfaction to know
You have the ability to turn tables better than anyone
And years later still have me on my toes
With no solid proof of who you are?